I am today craving some serious distraction.

Help me, please.

"I'll never forget the time I..."



(finish)

Last night I discovered that the planet we are on is not safe for humans. It happened while I was eating a container of hot oatmeal. I read and followed the Directions faithfully. As I ate, I counted 4 spoonfuls of oatmeal and a whole lotta sweet water.

Had I actually paid $1.66 for 4 spoonfuls of oatmeal? Really?

And worse, would I actually commit this cruel act again?

...lost my virginity.

But please recognize that for males, "losing" our virginity is not some kind of bumbling accident or even a tripping-and-falling-into-bed-and-landing-on-a-body sequence of unexpected events.

The ordinary mormon part of my story is that following the HUGE eruption of guilt, (after the minor eruption...) during which I imagined the heavens torn asunder (which rending produced a vagina-like shape in the parting clouds), with angels wailing and lamenting, I got dressed as quickly as I could and hastily abandoned the scene of my shame. I'm sure mormon men in that position are something to behold!

As I piled into the car, started it and got the hell out of my spiritual Dodge City, I was of course still overwhelmed by the shame I'd brought upon myself, along with the prospect of having to deal with my soul's eventual cleansing and restoration to purity.

But then during my 20-minute drive home, a very unexpected thing happened. (Although in retrospect, maybe it was to be expected!)

I don't recall all the details of what my mind's roiling was creating on the theme shame and mortification, but I certainly have a very profound recollection of suddenly having my mind cleansed of all the religious texts and sub-texts that had been rocketing hither and thither. And into my now empty mind came the memory of the process that had resulted in the now-forgotten mental anguish...the memories of each step by step action ... Kissing, etc., etc., etc., ETC.!

I made a U-turn.

That was a Friday night. The angels ignored me the second time.

I went back again on Saturday night.

I repented the next day.

EOD, I will continue on that theme but in a slightly different way.

I will never forget the time I experienced NO guilt for something I thought would absolutely bring me to the gates of hell.

As most already know and are sick of hearing about, I married a man in the temple. 22 years later he came out as a gay man. We divorced and I was in my mid 40's.

Sometime later, I met a man online, in an AOL forum for singles. He lived across the country and as time went on, we were anxious to meet. We met and I knew in that moment that we would end up being intimate. He knew how devout I was (or had been) in my religion. He gently told me that it would be ok. It was glorious. I felt no guilt. That was a total shock to me!

Many of the ex-wives of gays did a lot more than that. I was in shock.

Myself, I had given up my boyfriend at age 20 waiting for the mormon guy God was supposed to bring to me (ha ha ha). I wouldn't even let him French kiss me. So when he became available 27 years later and we were going to meet up after talking for 9 months, you BET I knew what I was going to do and, yes, I also was intimate with him and still am. No guilt whatsoever.

If you turn all the lights out, ghawd can’t see what you’re doing! If you do it in a heated pool in the dark, thermal imaging doesn’t work so you’re totally home free!

in b 4 ~ lost time ~



¿ ~ where does it go ? ~

Snuck out of Stake Conference at 14 years old. Saw a '71 Torino in the parking lot with the keys in the ignition and went for a joy ride. Unfortunately, I happened to drive by a County Sheriffs house who was working in his front yard and was obviously suspicious. Well, after he pulled me over, etc. he held me at the exit to the church until my Dad (who was on the Stake Council) came out. The entire Stake walked by, with me in handcuffs. Luckily, the owner (a convert) had had a pretty wild youth and refused to press charges.

I'm still ashamed of the shame I put on my parents that day. But, on a positive note, that was the last time I ever took anything without permission. On a down side, because of that shame, I totally hate thieves and liars.

By the way, that Torino hauled ass. 351 Cleveland's tend to do that.

in b 4 ~ this happened ~

I love this: loved Torinos and driving fast in anything. Also loved sneaking on church early.

I'd be posting that with my full legal name. Cool!

I'll never forget the time I...

Declined the opportunity to share a spliff with Bob Marley's mother, aunts, and cousins at their family compound in Jamaica when I was a missionary there visiting Bob's grave, so they brought out oranges to share instead. I kinda wish I would have done it, even with the other 3 missionaries there, and let the chips fall where they may.

Had a couple make out sessions with a totally hot Jamaican girl from the branch I attended.

Climbed up into the attic of the church and into a little utility room that was behind the wall of the chapel with my best non-mo buddy (were teenage) to enjoy a spliff and laugh and be silly. When we climbed out, my dad was waiting for us and escorted us back to the chapel for the rest of sacrament meeting.

Hah!

Your writing style and word choice give you away. You are not Jordan but rather a different member of our humble community, one brash and humorous and sacrilegious with a unique expressive style.

Jah bless, brother, and don't let the smoke get in your eyes.

Woops! I must have posted the title into the name field by accident!

Smoke don't bother me none.....my other moniker is Jonny the Smoke you know :)

That is why I put ‘the smoke’ into my reply. It was an inside joke!



ETA: Methodology. There are only a few people on this site who use the word "spliff." So when I saw that, it was easy to recognize your inimitable writing style.

I used "smoke gets in your eyes" as a signal to you but one that others wouldn't understand in case for some reason you wanted to maintain your confidentiality.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/26/2019 05:33PM by Lot's Wife.

I figured you had it figured. Not much gets by you :)

I shared my secret name "Deborah" to another ex mormon about 6 years ago. Although I knew that the church was false it felt so forbidden. I kept waiting for lightning to strike me the secret name that thou should never reveal.

I saw a guy that was in my dad's High Priest group perusing some porn mags at a convenience store late one night. I was there to buy smokes and when he noticed me looking at him his face turned red and he looked like he was gonna expire on the spot.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/26/2019 09:57PM by Lethbridge Reprobate.

Knowing you electronically, at least, I doubt you fully exploited the blackmail potential in that episode.

More's the pity. . .

Next time I saw him he was very sheepish...and no I didn't rat him out.

You shouldn't have ratted him out, just asked for the occasional donation for school supplies. I'm sure he'd have helped you--out of the goodness of his heart!

Hehe

What rule did I break by posting the story about me pissing my TBM daughter about her son's 'porn-shoulders' date? Was it the link to the photograph that caused it to be removed? I did black-out their eyes and noses so they couldn't be ID'd.

I thought it was a hoot that my TBM daughter was so proud of her son, even though the date was pure porn-shoulders, right there in the heart of zion, even Orem itself!

What's up with that?

This isn't any big deal but its all I got:

I'll never forget the time I ditched sunday school with my

mormon crush and we went to get mexican food. It was so good

we repeated it every sunday for a while. It was one of my

best sunday school adventures for a long time.

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> What rule did I break by posting the story about
> me pissing my TBM daughter about her son's
> 'porn-shoulders' date? Was it the link to the
> photograph that caused it to be removed? I did
> black-out their eyes and noses so they couldn't be
> ID'd.
>
> I thought it was a hoot that my TBM daughter was
> so proud of her son, even though the date was pure
> porn-shoulders, right there in the heart of zion,
> even Orem itself!
>
> What's up with that?

I'd like to know the answer to that one as well... Why can't they answer your question?

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> What rule did I break by posting the story about
> me pissing my TBM daughter about her son's
> 'porn-shoulders' date? Was it the link to the
> photograph that caused it to be removed? I did
> black-out their eyes and noses so they couldn't be
> ID'd.
>
> I thought it was a hoot that my TBM daughter was
> so proud of her son, even though the date was pure
> porn-shoulders, right there in the heart of zion,
> even Orem itself!
>
> What's up with that?

Are you sure it was in this thread?

Yes, very certain, because I put a Google link to a photo of the porn-shoulders girl and my grandson and then tested the link, to make sure I hadn't screwed up. It worked as intended.

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Yes, very certain, because I put a Google link to
> a photo of the porn-shoulders girl and my grandson
> and then tested the link, to make sure I hadn't
> screwed up. It worked as intended.

I can't find it (and I have looked).

My suggestion is to send a report to Concrete Zipper and ask, but he may have no more insight on this than I do.

...first had a cup of coffee at work around the time I’d started going inactive. I felt soooo guilty. It tasted great though.

I'll never forget the time I out ran the cops on a motorcycle.

...wait for it... and be sure to turn on the sound!

https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/da5ui3/nice/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

You look good in that hat but the blue shirt has to go.

Hahah ha. Baila muy bueno!

I'm sending this to everybody I know.

(as inspired by EOD)...

I was 17 years old at a multi-stake dance on a hot summer night. I had driven to the out of town stake center by myself. None of my friends could come, so I had driven by myself. I was standing there on the sideline of the cultural hall as the DJ played Michael Jackson. Suddently this beautiful girl approached me. I mean she was Hottt..with a capital H. She said, "Hi my name is Melissa, I just moved here from Alabama...I am living with my grandma...what's yo name hun." This dance was in Kansas, so her southern accent intrigued me greatly, along with her cowgirl boots, and Kristy Brinkley hair.

She kept asking me to dance, to which I was most happy to do, you know because I was a nice guy. Must fellowship and all.

Towards the end of the dance she came up to me and whispered in my ear..her breath cascading down my neck and her perfume sending waves of sensation through my body. She said, "Hey hun, I don't have a ride home, my grandma went to bed...do you think you could give me a lift." Without hesitation and trying to hide an explosion of latent and repressed potential sexual energy (I had taken physics), I said, "Absolutely...glad to..sure."

As we approached her neighborhood, she said, "I am so hungry, can we get a bite to eat..just go through the drive through there honey." After we got our food we proceeded to her house to which she said, "Oh hun your car lights are going to wake my grandma, tell you what let's go to that elementary school yonder there, and finish eating." So we parked in the parking lot of the school. It was about 12am. I was just going to finish my hamburger and take her home,no big deal. I had told the holy ghost that all was well..just shut up.

She then said suddently and to my astonishment, "hey..let's play the french fry game..have you ever played?" I said, "uh no..nope can't say that I have." She popped a french fry in her mouth 1/2 way, and then said, "okay now you bite the other half sticking out of my mouth." I thought, "wow this seems like such a fine and fun game...I do think I will play this game...yes I will..seems like a fine game to me."

My midnight blue '78 Monte Carlo, with a sun roof was wide open. It was a sultry July evening. Spandau Ballet playing "True" on my clarion casette tape and new Pioneer stereo system.

I will never forget what transpired during the 30 minutes that ensued. It was something I didn't expect but it was sure a lot of fun and ended in an explosion of joy beyond measure (just like the hymnal, but with a much different context).

I felt guilty on the drive home for about 2 minutes, but quickly repressed all that. The "joy" had in fact outweighed any guilt. I turned the stereo up too, with a smile on my face, "This is the sound of my soul..this is the sound..I bought a ticket to the world, but now I've come back again."

came home from Ricks on Christmas break and dad had bought a new 1967 Oldsmobile. I drove when we went to PM. Then me and 4 of my pals went joyriding during SS and burned a couple thousand miles worth of rubber off the rear tires.

I'll never forget the time how my life got flipped-turned upside down. I was in west Philadelphia born and raised
On the playground was where I spent most of my days.
Then a there was a couple of young men who were up to no good and started making trouble in my neighborhood. It's crazy but I got in one little fight and my mom got scared. She said 'You're movin' with your uncle. I begged and pleaded with her day after day, but she packed my suit case and sent me on my way. She gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket.
I putmy Walkman on and said, 'I might as well enjoy first class, and drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass. Anyway, to make a long story short, the plane landed and when I came out there was a dude who looked like a cop standing there with my name out. I wasn't trying to get arrested yet
I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror if anything I could say that this cab was rare but I thought 'Nah, forget it' - 'Yo, homes to Bel Air'

I enjoyed living w/ my uncle especially since they were not Mormons.