Date: October 05, 2019 01:09PM
Thanks for your thoughts everyone.
So the next day (Monday) I sent an email, and cc’ed the church staffer whom he always cc’s on emails, saying this:
“Please remove me from the group roster and mailing list.”
I had decided to not offer any details, so that he wouldn’t have anything to “negotiate” over, and assumed he’d get the picture.
He responded the next morning as follows:
“I have removed you from the mailing list as you requested. I also sent out an email to the group requesting that they delete your name if they have you on their mailing list. If you need anything you have my number and email address. Please feel free to contact me.”
Seems reasonable, except that the broadcast instruction to the entire group to delete my email address seems weird (he should have been bcc’ing anyway).
I had assumed my direct message to be removed from the group would be sufficient, but it wasn’t. Later in the day my phone rang. It was him. I didn’t answer. It rang twice more in the next few minutes. He finally left a voicemail asking if I also wanted him to remove my phone number from his phone too. So he’s not so dense that he doesn’t realize that my “rejection” may be larger in scope than the support group, but he’s apparently hoping it it’s not....
So, the next day I sent the following by email:
“Re. your phone message, I don't want any contact at all. None. I didn't come to the cancer support group to find a new best friend, or a personal social director. I'm tired of the relentless invitations, but the late-night call about an event in which I had already expressed disinterest was the last straw. You don't seem to ever hear, ‘no.’ Your attention makes me increasingly uncomfortable, and is unwanted. Thanks for understanding. “
I had decided again not to offer much detail, but to try to be very direct w/o name calling or accusations. Naturally, in spite of saying that I want no contact, he responded not once, but twice. The next morning he sent this:
“Thank you for letting me know what I did wrong. That is the only way that I can correct my actions. I'm sorry and apologize and hope you will forgive me. My intention was not to make you feel uncomfortable or upset you. I'm trying hard to keep the cancer group going and my agresivness has caused you to leave. I will keep the group strictly that and not get social outside the group unless asked. Sorry to have lost you as a member of the group. Your thoughts and input will be missed by all. I'm asking as a Christian for your forgiveness and a second chance. I pray that one day you may return to the group. I've deleted your number from my phone. Thanks for your support in the past. God bless!”
Then a little later he sent this:
“I wouldn't have called you late that night but I had purchased a ticket from [the church] and my church offered me a free ticket and a ride to the event and I wanted to go with them. It was a short notice and I was trying to give the ticket away so it wouldn't go to waste. You where the only one that may have been able to use it at the time. I ended up giving it to one of the pastors Tuesday night to try and give away. Again I'm sorry and apologize.”
This second followup of excuses is just complete BS. As I mentioned above, I had told him I did not want to go. But even more so, because he kept badgering me about my polite excuse (that i don’t care for these crack-of-dawn events) that I finally said “look, I can get up if I want to. I just don’t want to go.” But the guy never hears “no”.
So, the notion that it would otherwise be “wasted” is bull$hit. If he gave it to me it WOULD be wasted, because I had no intention of going.
To the notion that it was short notice...bull$hit...the event was three days away.
To the notion that only I could use it...bull$hit...he could have broadcast the whole group, or Facebook, or whatever (and I had no intention or interest in using it). Even emailing me would have been less intrusive than calling me at 11pm.
Even the notions that I’ve been supportive or will be missed is bull$hit. I’ve only been three times, several weeks apart. Only one other person has even been there all three times. And only one twice. It’s apparently a revolving group of attendees. No one knows me, let alone will miss me.
To me it all just seems like manipulation, but a couple of his odd word choices reconvince me that it’s not “friendship” that he’s looking for, and I wonder if anyone else notices.
Anyway, I’m ranting some here instead of lashing out at him directly. I’m torn between just ignoring him at this point, or really doubling down on “no more contact” (phone, email, snail mail, don’t show up on my doorstep, etc, and cc’ing the church person again. I did not cc her the second time, but probably should have.