Date: October 14, 2019 01:28PM
MORMON: Hey, Moroni, it’s almost time to go out and fight the Lamanites.
MORONI: Okay, Dad. I’m ready.
MORMON: What’s that helmet with the horns sticking out of it? Everyone’s going to think you’re a Viking.
MORONI: Dad, you know there won’t be any Vikings on this continent for more than 600 years. Besides that, they don’t wear helmets like this. Some guy named Wagner will popularize this accessory in the nineteenth century. I just want to be able to say that I was the first. It’s called avant garde.
MORMON: Kids these days. You spend all your time on the Urim and Thummim watching the Future History Channel.
MORONI: Well, it’s better than watching the Playboy Channel.
MORMON: What can I say? I love bunnies.
MORONI: You’re not fooling me. Those aren’t bunnies; they’re girls. I’ve heard you: “Ooh, white and delightsome!”
MORMON: Don’t talk to me that way, sonny! You might just feel a little differently when you’re the last Nephite. Besides, we weren’t talking about my viewing habits. We were talking about your crazy helmet. I’m not so sure I want to be seen fighting next to you wearing that thing.
MORONI: Come on, Dad. Vikings are cool.
MORMON: What’s so cool about them? The raping, the murdering, or the plundering?
MORONI: No, that stuff’s no different from what our own Nephites are doing. Vikings are cool because they’re so strong. And they build awesome ships. And they’re so fierce. I bet if we had a couple hundred Vikings, we could wipe the rain forest floor with those Lamanites.
MORMON: Speaking as the Nephite commander in chief, I think we’re not doing so badly.
MORONI: You mean like gathering all our people into one place so we can be wiped out all at once? Haven’t you heard of asymmetric warfare? If we were Viet Cong, or Taliban, or even Gadianton Robbers, we would hide out in the mountains and surprise attack them in small groups.
MORMON: We had to gather here at Cumorah so we could bury the golden plates where Joseph Smith will dig them up and translate them.
MORONI: You do know, don’t you, that Joseph Smith isn’t even going to use the plates to make the Book of Mormon?
MORONI: He’s going to use a rock that his neighbor finds while they’re digging a well.
MORMON: How is that supposed to work?
MORONI: Sort of like the Urim and Thummin. Only he has to put it into a hat and then stuff his face into the hat to look at the rock.
MORMON: You’re shizzing me!
MORONI: I’m serious.
MORMON: Do you know how much trouble I went to engraving “and it came to pass” on the plates over and over again?
MORONI: I know, right?
MORMON: I even had to do a parallel history since the little shiz is going to give his buddy Martin the first 116 pages containing the Book of Lehi and get it lost.
MORONI: It’s not fair.
MORMON: Well, it’s too late to change our strategy now. I hear the Lamanites coming. And I still think you should ditch the Viking helmet. You should be proud of your Nephite heritage.
MORONI: Well, Dad, there is one other thing the Vikings having going for them that we don’t.
MORMON: What’s that?
MORONI: The Vikings are real.