Posted by:
Tevai
(
)
Date: October 22, 2019 04:49PM
This is a really interesting question, because I realize that (in the situation cited above) I have one, very deep, opinion--but in an analogous situation re: ultra-Orthodox Jews, I would feel the opposite.
So far as language goes: Put-down language, name calling, anything that would be felt demeaning to (especially) a child or an adolescent, hate speech (racial, sexual orientation, ethnic, religious, etc.) I think are fair game for correction, especially if a short explanation would cause the "offending" child to think.
When it comes to what a person wears, I am of two different minds and I don't have a rational reason for distinguishing between the two.
When I was preparing to go to Israel, I went shopping for a specifically "frum" [means: would pass an informal ultra-Orthodox sight test] outfit I could wear to [Orthodox] religious services, and which I could wear in situations like walking through Mea Shearim (an ultra-Orthodox area of Jerusalem). Skirt well below the knees, opaque top which covered all of my shoulders and arms and wrists, and didn't show any of my chest. (I didn't worry about a head covering; anyone viewing me would have no idea whether I was married or not.) To me, this was just practical: no reason to offend those who would be offended if I did NOT do this, and on a self-protection level, I certainly didn't want to become the center of a angry flash mob of strange-to-me men who were outraged by my desecration of "their" part of Israel.
But somehow, my preparations for going to Israel seem fundamentally different than telling an unrelated-to-you child/adolescent that their normal wear is unacceptable, and that wearing it makes certain adult authority figures uncomfortable at the very least. Whether it is a child who is involved, or an adolescent, I think the entire idea of saying that their normal (acceptable to society at large standards) attire is disturbing to an adult is dangerous: It sends the message: YOU are not okay by me....and this is a terrible thing to do to a child growing up, and can result in lifelong problems for that child.
[There is an exception here: If there is some real danger to the child, such as a male who is known to have boundary problems or pedophilia problems, then forget what I am saying on this issue: The task, instead, would be to keep that child safe, regardless of any other consideration. My step-grandfather had child molestation problems (it was actually more serious that "just" this), and throughout my growing up, I was NEVER allowed to be alone with him. This was an iron-clad rule, no exceptions allowed, from my Mom, bolstered by her experiences and by her step-sister's experiences, as they grew up.]
Back to your question about your friend: I know that hurting the child/adolescent emotionally is not what is intended by the adult, but this IS, almost certainly, the message the child/adolescent will receive: that their body, whether it is a child's body or an adolescent's changing body, is somehow deeply unacceptable as it is, which makes them (in their own mind) feel [fundamentally] "wrong," repulsive, scary, or unacceptable as a human being.
For your friend, I would say:
Remember back to that developmental time in your own personal history, and bring back the memories of how uncertain you felt, and how MUCH you wanted to be accepted for "who" you are (even if you didn't have much of a clue as to what this meant), and how IMPORTANT it was to you to be understood and accepted as the person (and the body that that person inhabits) who, having no control over what was physically happening (or would soon BE happening) to them physically, just wanted to be loved and accepted "as is."
If the practical problem is that YOUR child is being raised with certain rules, and THAT child is not, then you explain to your child that people come in all different varieties and "flavors," and what is acceptable for THAT child by THEIR parents (etc.) is okay for them, but that your family has different standards, which your child is expected to conform to until they reach the point in physical and mental maturity where they are generally accepted as co-adults.
When I was in seventh grade, a teacher who should have known better (she was in my life because she had been awarded a prestigious special role as a teacher, which was of very great value to her professionally) purposely and actively did something to me which I definitely did not deserve, and which took me more than a year of active effort to finally "reverse" (to the extent that this was possible at that time). The whole thing was stupid, and I knew it as it happened--what she was asserting would have been instantly shown as false by checking my cumulative record, to which she had access at any time the counselor's office was open.
She did this to me at a time when I was trying to survive through what was extreme turmoil for me at home, for reasons I did not understand at that time, and would not understand until many decades into the future. The important thing is: Just about every day of my life, since she did that to me, something happens, or I read or hear something, and I instantly flash back to how much she actively tried to ruin my life (and this is what she really WAS trying to do), and I wonder where she is now (I do understand that she is, almost certainly, deceased), and if she has any idea that she did not, in the end, "win."
The wounds of childhood (my Mom and her step-sister growing up), and any stage of adolescence (Me), can cut so deeply, and SO "permanently," that they can still actively affect someone's life not only through future decades, but for all of the rest of that person's life.
Again, for your friend, I would say:
You have every right to have your own life and home standards, but the swimwear situation is a time when boundaries should be subject to common sense modification, in respectful consideration for that child's not only current, but also future, self.