We’re having family dinner at three, and my mother called me up to warn me that they were going to have Face to Face, BYUTV programming I suppose, on at the house right after dinner, but she didn’t want me to think that she was a surprise forcing of religion on me or anything —- they just want to know what’s going to replacing the scouting program. She said I could go out back or leave or whatever; she understood.

The call upset me. Maybe that’s why she has to walk on eggshells around me. But I wanna take out my frustration here, not her. Ive thoroughly screwed up this exmormon thing. Maybe there is no way to do it right, or in a healthy way — the brethren and the church’s program see to that. It’s not that I’m triggered by gospel subjects; I’ve been listening to it for most of my life. If it ever triggers me, it’s because they’re taking some jab at apostates or atheists and commanding the members to discount their point of view and also because I know from experience that when the church and I contradict my parents will choose it over me every time. I don’t even get a chance to make my case. My family is plugged in to this indoctrination machination, and trying to sever it only solidifies it. The moment I labeled myself in opposition to the church, my opinions stopped mattering to them, at least the ones that, again, contradict the church. The more I flail about trying to figure out how to emotionally navigate my situation, the more they figure that I must be lost to the Holy Spirit and everything the church says about me must be true. That’s what triggers me. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. I don’t know what to do.

I don't know what to do, either. I'm not good at compartmentalization, which might be a good thing. I've accepted that I will likely need to be in therapy for the rest of my life. I hope I can afford therapy for the rest of my life.

Please return and report.

You are loved.

Crazy making. Family first UNLESS the corporation comes up with a new PR inspired change in doctrine or policy that makes you out as evil.

I can imagine how disheartening it must be to have those you love most in the world deceived into thinking you might be a threat to them, their happiness, and their best interest. This is how cults work.

My boyfriend was bringing me home from his house after going to dinner and a bunch of people were driving down the hill to the stake center. I thought that was odd. It was about 2:55 in the afternoon. We'll see what a messed up program they came up with. So what have the kids been doing up until now? No program for how long?

Glad I'm not part of religion any longer.

Beth, I am actually good at compartmentalizing things, but I'll still be in therapy until I die. I've been in therapy since about the time I found out he is gay, so I was 25 and I'm 62 now. I couldn't have made it to this point without compartmentalizing.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/17/2019 07:06PM by cl2.

Well, the good news is that she understands why you might not wish to stay. And she is okay with that.

I do understand why you are upset. I would be upset as well. You want to feel that you count with your family, and that you are a priority for them. I think it's a healthy thing that you have brought your frustration here. That's what we are here for.

Here's what a dinner invitation looks like with my nevermo family: Arrive in the late afternoon and chill for a bit. Enjoy cocktails with them, then dinner with music, wine, and lots of conversation and loud laughter. After, we have dessert in front of the TV while watching a mutually-agreed upon movie.

Perhaps that is the type of life that you can one day craft with your own spouse, kids, and/or friends. Life doesn't have to be endless church. You can chart a different path.

To me it sounds like your family love you and want you (as in, they invited you to the meal)---and are trying to be who they are (they want to watch this thing about the new replacement for boy scouts)---and also willing for you to be who you are.
I think she literally was just giving you a heads up so you wouldn't feel like you'd been jumped or trapped, but would be able to decide whether you'd be more comfortable to leave after the meal, or stay and watch the thing they want to watch.
No pressure, literally.
Sounds like a mother who loves her kid to me.

Hey, there is no right way to do the exmormon thing :) Every person and situation is different. And lol, things change! You just gotta roll with the punches as they come. Think of it this way, how long were you mormon? You can't expect that you would just flip a switch, it takes time. It will take time for other people to find their feet with your new perspectives too :)

Oh, I hear you, Cold-Dodger!

"Maybe there is no way to do it right, or in a healthy way — the brethren and the church’s program see to that."

You nailed it. There's no healthy way, no polite way, no win-win for everyone in the family. The Mormon way is to have winners and losers, competition, battles! "We are as the armies of Helaman...The Lord's Missionaries." The Mormons don't believe or act upon these common, normal human principles:

Live and let live.
Freedom of religion
Freedom of speech
Freedom of thought
Creativity
"Be yourself,"
Unconditional love
Love at home (home is a place to teach Mormonism)

Mormon families are just weird and dysfunctional.

Your post is an example of the kind of thing that goes on all the time in my TBM family.

Yes, we can be understanding and forgiving. Yeah, your Mom probably was trying to be considerate and not cause a stir. (WHY in Hell's sake should TV cause a stir? Oh--it's the cult.) It is that we as former Mormons know the gossip, the defamation of character, the accusations of being evil. We know that the motive of the cult is to keep members trapped by brainwashing, fear, and ignorance. The Members are hopelssly locked into in obedience. It's like a mass-hysteria.

The OP said it all in two sentences--and this is my complaint, too:

"If it ever triggers me, it’s because they’re taking some jab at apostates or atheists and commanding the members to discount their point of view and also because I know from experience that when the church and I contradict my parents will choose it over me every time. I don’t even get a chance to make my case."

Once I understood that, in the case of my TBM parents, sibings, aunts and uncles and cousins, there was nothing I could do (I would never have a chance to make my case), and I could not help them, things got better.

I was in therapy for years, and really did improve--but I never had any kind of "victory". Did the cult win? Perhaps--but I withdrew, without surrendering. I never went back. I will always think Mormonism is a diabolical scam. I am living a happy life. I live among genuine, honest, loving people. No one is robbing me of my money every month. No one is lying to me regularly.

The Mormons have not succeeded with me, or with my children or grandchildren. Maybe that's all we can hope for....