My wife is an always Mo. I left about 4 years ago and haven’t looked back. My wife recently asked why I watch Netflix shows and R rated movies that have naked girls. She said it bothers her that I’m watching shows to see that. I tried to explain that it has nothing to do with the girls or nude scenes but that it’s shows I like. These are not shows I watch in front of her or in front of the kids. Any tips on how to deal with this? She loves to try and guilt me and control me.
It only works if you bite. If she brings it up again a short "I already explained that to you" and a change of subject should do it. If it doesn't leave the room. You are an adult and what you watch in private is none of her concern.
I agree with Susan. You are watching normal shows that a huge number of people are also watching. Many younger people only have streaming services. Also, you are already accommodating your wife by not watching the shows with her or the kids.
I'm sure that she watches things that you have no interest in.
Marriage should be a partnership. She is not the boss of you.
Look at how he worded it. She said "it bothers me you watch programs to see this(nudity)". This is manipulative language designed to control behavior in a passive-aggresive way. A big sign of a relationship that does not have healthy communication about this topic.
This is not her with a legitimate concern, this is her forcing her will on her husband. If it was legitimate, the wording would have been different.
He needs to address the comment directly. He simply restates he does not watch the programs for the nudity, and for her to imply he does is dishonest communication, and then open the conversation to what is really bothering her.
If you set healthy boundaries and consistently maintain them, the person you are setting the boundaries with will either fix the behavior or remove themselves.
If she still has issues after your explanation, and can't accept that you are an adult who likes sophisticated entertainment and not a caveman drooling over boobies, who likes engaging and age appropriate stories about the way things really are and really can be instead of mind numbing, sanitized and "safe" time wasting,on-screen anesthesia, then you need to be honest with her and say your marriage is a super important thing and if itty bitty TV shows make her feel threatened inside such a rock solid commitment, then the answer isn't for you to quit watching shows. The answer is to go talk to a professional together to find the core issues that are making her feel distressed and threatened. This stuff is rooted way deeper than tits on a screen, I'm sure you know that.
Make sure it isn't a cult therapist. Not the Bishop or the Home Teachers, a real pro.
If she won't do that, if she isn't willing to stretch out of her comfort zone, then she doesn't have the right to expect you to reach out of yours. Marriage is a 50-50 arrangement, so it's said. She's not a baby and no matter what the cult insists, she doesn't have to believe that she is helpless or stupid or can't express her feelings. She doesn't have to hide behind cult prudery if she's got insecurities about what you're thinking and watching on TV. If she wants/needs more secure closeness with you, she needs to move in your direction and speak her own mind, not back away towards the cult's embrace. It may take her a while to realize that, but you might have to keep firmly reminding her that more controlling behavior only makes things worse. It's when we choose to open up and trust that the bond gets stronger.
Sorry about it...hopefully it's something that will resolve easily, but if not, don't (imho) waste effort going it alone. Counseling from a secular professional is the best remedy.
Edit: don't forget to mention that you only watch them alone because you're trying to respect her viewing preferences. She's more than welcome to watch with you. You're not hiding. You're just not forcing it on her. You can promise her you won't tell anyone and it won't get her sent to outer darkness.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/07/2020 11:08AM by ptbarnum.
> Just because a lie is > repeated doesn't make it true.
You mean like when you said you were not the same poster as Hwint? The same poster as Uncle Benson? Gourd Vidal? The same poster as LogicalCanuckExmo? Like when you appeared the other day as Anon Joe, one of your sock puppets from years ago, only to be slapped down by CZ? Your protests would ring truer if you hadn't proved yourself an inveterate, if inept, deceiver so many times in the past.
Regarding Free Man, no one thinks you are two are the same poster. He does not share your syntax and the incessant need to indulge your peculiar political preoccupations.
If you are coming back under your own name, great. But accusing others of lying is rich, don't you think?
Mormons are so over-the-top when it comes to R-rated movies. Even my own TBM mother (almost 90) complains about her same age husband watching PG-13 movies on Netflix that contain "bad language and often scantily clad women." He like cops shows and action movies, and if they have a bad word or two, or a woman in a bathing suit (God forbid a bikini), it sends her into a frenzy. I have to laugh, I'm sorry...she's just so, Mormon. Ug. He is a former bishop, etc. So anyway, that's an all to common scenario. I grew up in a Mormon home that didn't allow TV on Sunday's, and no TV shows above Little House and the Walton's, which meant I was not allowed to watch Lee Majors and Farah Faucet (6 Million Dollar Man). Still pisses me off..such a great show, with that beautiful Farah.
My advice, having been in your situation, with a Mormon wife who still believed for awhile before she left the church 10 years after I did. This interaction you're having about movie watching is a symptom of a bigger relationship picture that you should address first and foremost before figuring out how to handle movie watching.
You're in a tough situation where you were married under the presumption that you were both TBM's at the time. Now she is in a quandary having married you as a Mormon, and now you are a non-believer. This was the paradigm under which you were married. She probably feels betrayed and slighted to an extent and she doesn't understand. Also, she may have TBM family members who support her. If you love her and want to stay married, you must bargain, negotiate, compromise and find a middle ground. Define that new paradigm in your relationship. I would explain to her that this is what has happened. There's been a paradigm shift in the relationship. Tell her your sorry and that you recognize this, and that this has been so stressful for her. Just really inforce that you love her more today than ever, and that you respect her so much and want it to work. Until you negotiate, overwhelm her with love and devotion. Redefine your relationship with her. It may be that you have to compromise with her. For example, maybe you will have to watch only R-rate movies that she has approved of. Remember, as a TBM and female, she thinks pornography is of the devil. It sounds like to me that you have a great wife and woman there, with children - I would address this "big picture" before you address the "motion picture" issue.
Also consider that the church maintains control over people by controlling their behavior through guilt and manipulation. It only makes sense that individual mormons would attempt to employee the same tactics.
1. Frame your normal behavior as wanton rebellion.
2. Play the victim. So that their normal behavior equates to an attack on the believer.
3. Withhold affection, rewards, support etc.
4. Repeat above steps until compliance is achieved.
Kramer vs Kramer is rated PG. I remember seeing it in my extreme mormon days. It had a full frontal scene of a woman. From what I remember, we saw more nudity in movies that were PG or PG13 back in the 1970s. I didn't go see R rated movies for a while, but long before I left mormonism, I went to R rated movies. Even a lady in my ward wrote to the little new theater we had here in Hyrum years ago and said that the theater would do better business if they'd run R rated movies as adults wanted to see some of the R rated movies.
Then there is Ordinary People from back then rated R. I don't remember any nudity in that movie. It dealt with suicide.
I tend to know where her mindset is. I thought I had to monitor everything my husband did as they told me I had to save him, I had to monitor even his masturbation. This is RIDICULOUS and inappropriate. She is afraid you are going to cheat on her, leave the marriage. She's been threatened by teachings. She lives in fear.
It isn't her job. Once I let go of trying to control my husband, my life improved in big ways. He did eventually leave and it was horrible, but my marriage didn't have a chance of surviving. She's pushing you away and she doesn't know it because of the teachings of mormonism. Do I know how to fix it? No. Like someone else said, a therapist. Not a mormon one.
If she doesn't want you listening to cussing, then you can only watch G rated movies. P.S. This was sarcasm. I wouldn't let her control you, but you need to work on what the issues are.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/07/2020 11:06AM by cl2.
My wife always maintained that I was "addicted to sports."
The problem was perception. The home where she was raised had no interest in sports of any kind. No athletics for her, her brother or either of her parents. They did play chess. Nor were they fans of any sport or teams. They did not attend sports live or watch any sports on television.
Therefore, her husband must be "addicted to sports" if he does anything athletic or views any sports programming.
I worked at a university that gave employees free access to all athletic facilities so I would play basketball most days. "Do you have to sweat so much," she would say.
You must assume we had conflicts over watching (evil) sports on the Sabbath. No, I rarely watched sports live and never on Sundays. My callings were always done first before any game in the evenings of the week.
We had a special needs child. I never expected to watch an entire game or movie without having to address a crisis (or ten).
I never planned to watch sports, but our local station pioneered (before ESPN was even thought of) a 30 minute program of all sports highlights. I would record (to VCR) the sports report to view 10-15 minutes of the next morning.
Any husband who gives 10 minutes a day to anything must be "addicted." I wished our family could go on "Wife Swap" where women exchange homes and families for a week to experience other lifestyles. Maybe my wife could experience what a "sports addiction" is really like.
You would assume that my wife would have her hobbies and interests that she could do while her husband is "addicted to sports." Except that you would be wrong about our marriage.
My wife's sole priorities were: 1. maintain her temple recommend; 2. parade her family as examples of a "good LDS home."
My wife's only achievement in her life was to be temple worthy. Anything else was irrelevant.
Her only interest in our family finances were to ensure that we paid tithing. She cared not a whit about nutrition - except for that question about the Word of Wisdom. She only cared about order in our home when visitors from the Church were about to arrive.
The center of my wife's week was her callings. She would spend all Saturday night preparing her Primary or Sunday School lessons. When we arrived home after sacrament meeting she would drop into bed immediately and stay there until Wednesday afternoon to "recover."
She made no effort to get our children to school (since it wasn't church affiliated). Early morning seminary was waged as an ongoing battle.
My mother-in-law and all my wife's aunts were grotesquely obese. At her largest my mother-in-law weighed 495 lbs. None of these women had any education or career aspirations. When we would visit they would sit at the kitchen table. The only difference between the LDS and non-LDS were the LDS side of the family drank soda in judgment of the non-LDS women who drank coffee, tea or wine. My ~300 lbs wife would have been a ~500 lbs gorilla as well - except that we refused to become her perpetual servants.
Since my wife had her temple recommend, she saw no reason to improve her life. Too bad her husband was "addicted to sports."
Did that just not piss you off to the extreme? How'd you deal with the anger? Did you find *any* way of getting through to the person that might help OP deal with the frustration over the TV watching?
Are we not grownups who are allowed our own interests? The cult wants people to stay perpetual ignorant, childlike saps who hand over their wallets. But it never seems to work if you flat out tell people to grow the duck up. What does work?
I ask for another reason too. Someone in my support group is going through this with almost the exact same description, except the addiction they're accused of is reading books. Also, the spouse has passed the poundage point of being able to walk, but other than that, I'd wonder if your wife and this person weren't related.
Support Buddy is so angry right now that they're afraid to confront the behavior this week out of fear of losing it and saying something targeted to be hurtful about the obesity. I told Support Buddy that when you're afraid of the potential destructive power of your anger, it's time to get out. You've been bent for too long and you're breaking. Support Buddy still wants to try one more time.
I hate being controlled. It's visceral. It's the fight in fight-or-flight. I get angry on behalf of the posters here going through this stuff. I feel for my support friend.
At some point I learned to just leave my wife alone in her Mormon bubble. Anger wouldn't solve anything.
An LDS counselor advised me to approach my wife as if she were disabled. He was also a ward member so he got to see my wife "in action." "What would you do if your wife couldn't accomplish things because she was disabled physically or intellectually?"
My wife was emotionally disabled because of her interpretation of Church doctrines. The fact that nobody in her family had a job for 5 generations was also a factor. My mother-in-law's family came from an area of Canada where they can live on government benefits from cradle to grave.
I learned to set strict limits on what I could perform for my employer or at Church. My answer would be "No" if the commitment required my wife to do anything more than breathing.
I was a true blue, very active Mormon mother, and my Mormon husband became inactive, after discovering the Truth, and I have been where your wife is, now.
I am 99% sure that the Mormon cult is blaming your wife for your inactivity.
The cult is probably harrassing her about "porn addiction".
She has probably been brainwashed into thinking that you are being influenced by Satan.
Your wife's trusted "prophets" have told her that those who leave the Mormon cult are "offended, lazy, and wanting to sin." This means YOU!
Be prepared for your wife to strike out at you with heightened intensity after the next Mormon General Conference. Mormon leaders talk way too much about pornography, and are quick to accuse less-active husbands of being addicted.
IMO, there is nothing very unusual about your wife's accusations. You are married to a brainwashed Mormon, so live with it. I'm with poster Slskipper. YOU need to be more sensitive to her wishes. With Mormonism, it is everyone else who must tip-toe on eggshells, and alter their behavior, appearance, and lifetsyle to suit the Mormons. Otherwise, you can expect all those punishments from both your wife and her cult: the silent treatment, shunning, blaming, harsh judgments, smear campaigns, ganging up with other Mormons against you, and manipulations of all kinds.
Still...I agree that her issues might be more than just the "porn" you are watching. Like the other posters said she is probably very insecure in her marriage, now that you have left the cult. Maybe she is a narcissistic control freak. I don't know your wife, but Narcissists are common in the Narcissistic Mormon cult. Maybe she's just a nice person who needs more of your attention, and the TV draws you away from her. It isn't something she wants to share with you.
Find some interest that BOTH of you can share together. Or, just turn off the commercials and listen to what she has to say about her day, about your children, etc. Spend more time with your family. This would be good general advice, anyway, and would probably make your life better all around!
Compromise works well, if your wife is normal, and not a narcissist. Ask her which specific show seems worse to her than than the others, and give up just that one show. Or, you could watch together and ff over the sex scenes. Yeah, the sex junk is on there, yet the rest of the show might be good. Sex scenes depress me, and, frankly bore me, because they are from a male perspective. I ff past those scenes, and past the commercials. Less time in front of the TV is always a life improvement, IMO. I have a lot of other things going on. Maybe, you could wait, and watch your TV shows as re-runs, in the future, after you and your wife are more secure, or divorced.
I don't think I have any good advice, as my wife divorced me 9 years ago.
Your dilemma reminded though that my wife would not let me watch Will and Grace because of the LGBTQ issues. I didn't think much of it until it came up in conversation at work. Me ex also loved Glee until it started to get more detailed in the LGBTQ story-line.
This is the ex that forbade me from reading any more WWII history books after I told the bishop I lost my testimony during the primary children's program in SM. I told him it reminded me of the indoctrination of Hitler's youth.
Yes there is some advice that may help. From the Daily Wire, the famed screen writer, Jew turned Christian, right wing radio commentator, Andrew Klavan described his work in creating television dramas in the past that show the dark side of life, and smut. He said a good artist must show all the dark things in drama but in the midst of the darkness there must be the light. It's the light that we ultimately should dwell on though.
Shakespeare knew this he portrayed many tragic dramas such as hamlet and mcbeth, with many nuances and such.
Okay I've got mixed feelings about this. Nearly all the stuff worth watching is R. However, a lot of it is purely exploitative, and does little or nothing to advance the plot or characters.
The Harvey Weinsteins of the world don't just bring unnecessary sexual imagery to auditions but to the big screen too. A lot of the time it is pretty sleazy, while Hollywood pretends it is improving the world somehow.
If you don't have a lot in the way of assets or money in the bank, file the divorce in propia persona (do it yourself). Then when she goes to hire a cut-throat attorney to rip your financial heart out, she'll learn that cut-throat attorneys require a down payment or ample proof that the other party has the money to pay him when the judge, at the cut-throat attorney's request, issues an order that the plaintiff pay Mr. Throat. Cut-throats don't work for free!!
"Married with Children" on Sunday no less. He said these supposedly HUGE things I did lower his ability to resist temptation. Other things I did were to drink Diet Coke, leave church early (I had very young twins), let my kids miss primary one day because their cousins had just arrived from New Mexico after not seeing each other for 7 months. I've always been such a sinner. And I'm obviously the reason he cheated WITH MEN. ha ha ha
My boyfriend doesn't like most of the tv shows I watch. He watches Sci Fi channel. We at least like most of the same movies.
I refuse to ever kowtow to another man again in my life, which is one of the reasons I don't live with my boyfriend. I won't allow a man to make me feel guilty for just wanting to watch Dateline.
Mormon church says R movies are bad. You watch them and she says because it has nude girls.
Perhaps, she is more stuck on the fact you'd rather watch the R rated moves which excludes her spending time with you.
As others mentioned there is more to the issue here and perhaps watching a cooking show or trying a new recipe in the kitchen, enjoy the meal, and later screwing each other that evening is more in line with what she would rather do. That gets old too. I get it.
When she gets home from Sacrament Meeting and you're sitting in your recliner, drinking a beer, munching Fritos and scratching your testimonicles and watching Deadpool and she immediately launches into you, it's probably not just about the R-rated movie.
But imagine she gets home from a 5 mile run with her fitness-group friends and finds the above and she smiles at you and says, "I'm getting myself a beer, too. Want another one?"
Remember when Donnie and Marie made that movie back in the 1970's? People were all bummed out because they had to give it a rating of PG-13, because it involved the death of a man. Mormons everywhere were wondering if they should go to it because it wasn't "G" rated. Again, Mormons are weird, and focus on the wrong things in life.
My oldest son is still angry that he was kept in the classroom when the other kids went to see Shindler's List, which was rated "R" because of the violence. "We don't see movies that are rated R, no matter what they're about," was my wife's response. I really got on her case for that, and reminded her that when she was young and sexually active at BYU, she went with her various partners and boy friends to see whatever gritty, R-rated movie was showing. So today she has forgotten all about the R-rated thing and watches any movie she wants too. The only time she complains about all the F-words is when they are out of context, like in a movie that takes place hundreds of years ago, where people aren't costumed well and keep using phrases and words that didn't exist then.
Mt TBM Wife (now ex) slapped me once in front of her Mom and Brother for suggesting we go see Schindler's List. I wanted to punch her in the face, but didn't want to go to jail. I divorced the manipulative control freak ass instead.