I was a Mormon that lived in both universes. The tight ship Mormon one and the normal hip society one...my whole family practically still does (Mormonism is so astounding to me because they are the only cult in America that is mainstream and people become Mormon to be popular or accepted...that is if you live in a community that is ran by the Mormons. looking back I saw it frequently. I was underground-jack Mormon but still loved my religion, heritage, and whole heartily believed it). I could cross between both at any time or be in both. Now that I have sorted out the truth I don't visit the Mormon parallel universe but tomorrow I am going home to visit my Mormon family that I haven’t seen yet since people found out I was no longer a believing Mormon. There is a huge difference to the Mormons if you are a wayward project or someone that will outwardly tell you why it's not true and tell you to stop putting their name in the temple so you will soften your heart and come back. I told my sister that yesterday when she told me the list of people that have been doing that. I have to put on my filter for the next 9 days and my I don't care that the Mormon Church is the biggest joke mask.

It has been a very lonely journey and I have finally found some people that understand me...never Mormons..but I still long for the closeness of someone that walked in my shoes, went to BYU, full heartily believed the whole stupid religion and then found out the truth and knew they could never go back. That's where this website has come into play. Whenever I feel alone… or like..am I crazy??..I get on here and a lot of the time; find the same very intelligent people writing over and over again. I feel like I can relate to them and they know my pain. Mormonism is a very distinct special cult that would have to be lived to fully understand. (Sometimes my boyfriend falls asleep when I tell him crazy Mormon stories) I want to thank them and tell people it's good to have a voice of reason, especially when people are too scared to say anything about religion. There is a fine line that I keep crossing that is offending my loved ones and that’s what scares me the most. I have been on a three-year journey that is nowhere near over. I tell my boyfriend that I can't wait for the day when I never talk about the stupid Mormon religion but don't know if it will ever come. I still have family that are members so I can never let it rest. I am going to Utah and Idaho tomorrow to face the family and friends that I haven’t seen since I came out. I am up late and scared for the sorrowful disappointed faces they will share with me. I don't want to go and think why I am putting myself through this pain? I know that I need to be strong and face them. I even think what if someone is in a place I was in four years ago starting his or her journey out? I need to be my natural self, because I wish I had gotten out sooner.

I know everyone that deals with this will adjust to the outside world in different ways and in different time periods but I literally can see different stages I have gone through in this process and right now I think I am still angry and not ready to face my super Mormon family. I am especially scared of their dominant husbands and how they will be on the defense. They don't want me to be around their wives of older children in fear that I may say something or they will see that you can leave and be happy. People reading this I want you to know that I almost went on a mission and graduated from BYU-I. I know too much and know how to target them where it hurts. The men are scared and I am too. I just want to live my life and be happy. I am not happy knowing what I know and not being able to explain it all to my loved ones.

I am writing this to help others, get it off my racing mind, and read responses from other people that have advice for me who are further along in their journey… out of a manipulative organization that puts stipulations on self worth according to your standing with Heavenly father.

I went to a closing ceremony yesterday for my niece in Mesa, Time to Blossom (similar to EFY). I wanted to cry because they talked about all these great topics and addressed issues that girls face when it comes to puberty but it all related to the gospel and living a pure life. I told my sister when she asked me what I thought of it that I wish I had gone to a camp like that as an adolcesnt but feel sad that they think their self worth is tied into living the church’s version of what is righteous. She responded by saying of course they have self worth, you can always repent. I decided there that I should just stop talking about it with her. She has 5 kids and I don't want to ruin or disrupt a good thing, she is already too deep. I made sure to tell her yesterday that I left at a crucial turning point in my life, a pivotal moment, before marriage and children. I feel a lot better now that I have written this all down. I have experienced a lot of pain, much like a lot of people that turn here for support. I hope I have helped maybe just one person. My stomach is in knots and I hope I don't slip by saying something offensive.

Hi notinspite. That's why I'm still here. I feel healed from Mormonism, but ex-Mos are the only people who will ever understand where I've been, where I am now, and where I hope to go.

In Mormonism, we all have a strong sense of tribe. I guess, to me, the ex-Mormons became my new tribe.

I wish you the best of luck with your visit. Just be yourself. Don't try too hard to please, or to shock, or anything like that. Just be you. They can accept that, or they can't, but that's basically all you can do.

You can tell them that as well. "Look guys. This is who I am. Please just accept me as I am, and I'll do the same for you. But no more trying to turn me into something I'm not, okay?"

Those who are true friends and family will be okay with that. One thing's for sure. When you come out once and for all as someone who will never again be a Mormon, you really find out who your real friends are.

Ain't that the truth. Wise words by Greyfort.

I have definitely been there. I went on a mission and went to BYU and come from the most TBM family. I realized the church was all lies at 23 while still at BYU.

One of the reasons I am here many many years later is because I never ever had anyone to talk to about it. I have been with my partner for 30 years now but he was never religious and although he realizes the church is a cult, he has no way to understand the depth of what we have been through. It made me laugh that you said your BF falls asleep when you talk about it.

I was like you all alone with it. I didn't know any non mormons or exmormons and there was no site such as this. My only issue in life after all these years is my relationship with the family. I made it clear in a nice way, that there would be no religious discussion. As you know, the word discussion does not come up in the mormon vernacular--they only have agreement. When the prophet has spoken..... you know the rest.

Maintaining a relationship with your family can be a very difficult road from this point on. I was prepared to not be part of my family anymore if my not being mormon became an issue. As a result, they did not bring it up and neither did I. This resulted in an OK relationship. I would have preferred something on a higher level, but that was the best that was possible.

You can build really beautiful relationships in life with a significant other and real friends that will far surpass your relationship with your family. You will come to treasure them.
It is not wrong to value these more than your relationship with your family because you may find as I have, that although I know my family loves me, the relationship is stunted, clearly stunted because of their testimonies, and since I've just got this one life, I will only settle for relationships that are brilliantly open honest and promote the fullness of life.

If I had any advice, it would be to stay reserved, do not bring up the church, and if they do--change the subject. Further,in a low key way, make it clear that you have no agenda to push and are only there because you love them. And above all, be yourself. Do not come across as needy,this will reinforce their assumptions that you have lost your way, and you will never change their minds. What you can do is show them that losing your way looks damn good on you. Have a few good stories or an interesting book to talk about--a lot of mormons are starved for outside information and you can steer the family event to something enjoyable.

In the end, some of the family are afraid of me, but after all these years, to many, I am just the exotic eccentric one with the amazing life.

Can you make religion a non-issue? Keep all conversation about other topics?
Have an "out" - someplace else to be?
I like to have an appointment -- with myself -- that I do not divulge, that way I can leave and come back later. :-)

I hear you about being nervous about going into the middle of Morgdom, where you will be surrounded by family and friends still entrenched (and enmeshed I might add) in the cult, and on their turf as well. At least that's how I felt recently as I went to Provo to attend my son's wedding. My wife and I stayed with my mother who is ultra-TBM, and although no one said anything out of sorts to us (other than my crazy ex-wife who can usually be counted on to say something unkind, even though we divorced in 96! but that's off-topic...)

My family still smiles and treats me well enough, but through the smiles I think I detect a sort of sadness and a longing for me to come back, and I must admit it causes me some discomfort. I know all too well how they think, since I once thought the same way. (I was in it most of my life, and I'm in my early fifties now.) At any rate, we went over there on a Saturday, and were going to stay until Monday, but on Sunday, my mother left for church around 11:00 am. We went out to go for a hike, but 4 blocks from her house I said something like "Let's get the hell out of here." We turned around, went back to her house, got our stuff, and hit the road. That's when I realized just how uncomfortable I am being in the middle of it all.

Some of them called to ask me why I wasn't at the barbeque that evening, and I just told them I had to get back for work.

The interesting thing to me is how much of an effect it has on me to be around so many Mormons, especially family, at this point. I've only been out for a few months, so I guess I'm still pretty raw about it.

Anyway, good luck with it. I hope this doesn't make you more nervous about your trip! It's different for everyone, and I hope you are able to find your happy place and have a good time. Maybe you will even get the chance to have a heart to heart with a relative or two! It's rare perhaps but it's been known to happen.

Pretend they're Munchkins. Fascinating but odd.

Thank you all for your advice, it has been coming in huge except I do sometimes speak before I ten second myself! I even got the flu from staying up so late and being so stressed to see my family and friends. The first night I stayed with my two best friends from BYU-I. When one went to the bathroom the other asked me, "So, do you go to church at all anymore?" I was like no. Then the super Mormon one came back and our conversation died down. It's been a wild ride so far and I was right, they do treat me a lot different but I am fine only coming up here once a year. I find it hard to relate to them. I didn't go over to a town where my aunt and uncle live. I think I offended them but it's really hard on me. I will get use to it and I think they will too. I could write pages on all the details and the comments they have made to me so far. I will spare you all and I bet you can only imagine...it ranges from politics, gay rights, when am I going to get married, and people being overly nice to me. It's alright though. I am just glad I am getting the hardest part out of the way. Thanks again everyone that commented and write other interesting posts.

I agree with kolobian. You should feel proud of yourself for what you have accomplished in questioning what you are doing with your life and why; and in finding your own path. You've left your old tribe because you no longer fit and you are slowly finding your new tribe. You will probably find many Ex-Mormons in this new tribe, along with Ex-Jehovah Witnesses, Ex-Scientologists, Ex-Catholics, Ex-whatever... You'll find Agnostics, Atheists, Humanists, gays, lesbians, people who wander through life, and people who are curious, open, tolerant and accepting of others and their various lifestyles. It can be a bit scary, but overall, it's a fantastic, enrichening journey.