My husband and I live in a part of the country where there is not a large Mormon presence. People generally do not understand what Mormonism is, and will often think it is the FLDS. He never tells anyone that his family is Mormon or that he used to be a Mormon. I don't tell anyone either. Even my/our closest friends do not know.

His family has never had a relationship with me because they "do not know if I am evil." They have a lot of issues, so it's probably better for me that I don't have to spend time with them. I don't think they work for satan, but I also don't have a high opinion of them.

My husband and I work together, so a lot of people know us as a couple. Occasionally, people will ask about his family (usually in small talk). His is related to the language skills he developed during his Mission, so people will often ask me about his language history.

It makes me really uncomfortable when people ask me about his family. I also don't have good explanations about how he learned the language.

Does anyone have suggestions of good responses to respond to these types of questions without getting defensive?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/13/2020 11:09PM by june.

Since people are asking as a part of making small talk, I would keep your answers as brief as possible. "His family is from _______. His father works as a _________. He has _____ brothers and _____ sisters" -- something like that. People trying to make casual conversation don't need a blow by blow. If pressed, perhaps you can state that you are not close to them. That's not an unusual situation, and I think a lot of people could relate to it. Or you can say that you are both very busy with your business and don't have a lot of contact with them. My feeling is that if you can anticipate conversations that will be difficult for you, it is best to have rehearsed answers to questions.

As for the language, you can say that he studied it for a bit and traveled in the home country for a while. Again, rehearse possible answers so that they come easily to you.

Thank you... I can see that some of the problem is that I'm in a reactive mode when the person is just trying to connect.

IMO, this is something you two can discuss to good effect. Come up with some standard vanilla answer or script that either of you can memorize and use at a moment's notice.

Alternatively, what's his usual response when he is asked about his family and/or language skills? Just use the same answers he gives.

Then quickly change the subject and ask the other people about their favorite new movies, or if they've been to any good restaurants lately.

BTW, you're not alone; there are people who have known me for decades and have no inkling that mormonism is part of my past because I'm embarrassed to admit it.

I'm glad to hear that I am not alone.

After seeing your comment, I realize that I need to have more conversations with my spouse about shared responses and shared responsibility. My husband is super, super, super passive. He is able to sit there and not show any external reactions to things -- even though he says he is stressed inside. He is like a stone during stressful situations. I am thinking that I am most bothered by when the family stuff comes up when we are together. He's not really doing his part to divert the conversation. He just sits there observing my response to it.

Thanks for your feedback.

Play up the In'Law aspect? There is always humor in that tactic which keeps the defensiveness out of it.

"Hahahaha. Oh Lordy lordy lordy. His family? Don't get me started. Seriously."

OR the obvious change of topic:

"What's the deal with your husbands family?"

"Beautiful day isn't it? Supposed to rain tomorrow though." Wink wink chuckle.

Thanks for your feedback. I'm going to practice a generic response.

To amend Logged Out Again:

Talk this through with your husband, to make sure that what you say separately to other people is consistent. If there are differences between how each of you explain his mission trip, for example, people may pick up on that, and press for details out of simple curiosity. So (to pick up on Summer), vague, brief answers that are consistent between the two of you should suffice.

If he is, say, Latvian, it's quite enough to say he likes to connect with his Latvian heritage and has "visited Latvia some" to learn the language and culture.

And it's a basic social skill to change the subject smoothly when you've divulged as much as you want to. You strike me as quite up to that task.

Thanks for the feedback. I try to be a good and kind person, but my social skills are not my best quality. :-O I am especially bad at small talk.

I'm going to look up and practice the social skill of changing subjects. Good point! And... that will probably be beneficial for me in other areas of my life as well.

There was a time when I was bad at small talk as well. What helped was a lot of practice at it. I agree with the others that ideally you and your husband should be on the same page as to how to respond. Then rehearsed answers and the ability to redirect a conversation will be helpful.

It's also useful to remember that people love to talk about themselves. If people want to talk about your husband's language ability and travels, you can give a rehearsed answer and then ask them about their own travels. If they want to talk about your inlaws, give a brief, rehearsed answer and then ask them about their own family. Other possible topics for redirection can include the weather, TV shows, current events, sports, etc. If someone is inclined to talk, just about anything can get them going!