(posted with mod permission) *** Richard speaketh the truth. Thus sayeth CZ. ***

The short story contest was such a success that CZ has approved a new contest:

Write a limerick on a Mormon theme.

Contest rules:
- Must be in traditional limerick form:
Five lines
Lines 1,2 and 5 must be three feet long: da DA da da DA da da DA (da) and all must rhyme (an extra unstressed syllable is OK)
Lines 3 and 4 must be two feet long (da DA da da Da [da]) and must rhyme

- Post your entry here with the subject "Limerick contest"
- You may enter more than once.
- Post your entry before March 31
- Entries will be judged by the mods


Two examples:

A Mormon who lived in Salt Lake
Decided the church was a fake.
He told his young wife,
She threatened his life.
He now has a hard choice to make.

If you think the church isn't true,
There's only two choices for you:
Admit it's a lie,
Or else you can try
To pretend you don't know what you do.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/25/2020 04:27PM by Concrete Zipper.

   

Removed 'cause it sucked.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/25/2020 05:09PM by Lot's Wife.

A contest is about to begin
Your limericks please do send in
Five lines a piece
and rhyming at least
if you're really expecting to win

Do you understand what to do now?

Yes.

But using rhyme and reason seems a bit much when talking about the church...

Rhyme only. No reason allowed in the church.

Roy G Biv Wrote:

> A contest is about to begin
> Do you understand what to do now?

There once was a laddie called Markey,
Who could churn out tons of malarkey.
Till investors got wise,
And jerked his disguise,
Which landed Mark down in the pokey.

There once was a mormon named Mitch
Who's bowels were suffering a twitch
When he started to squirt
It got on his shirt
If skid marks were money, he'd be rich

This first entry is a bit below the belt! :)

Edited.....paints a clearer picture.....sort of.

There once was a mormon named Mitch
Who's bowels were suffering a twitch
Whenever he sneezed
He soiled his G's
If skid marks were money, he'd be rich

There once was a church full of saints
Who started to voice their complaints
The BoM was quirky
Nelson quite jerky
So the members turned into ain’ts

A young priest was feeling contrite
He couldn't get the sacrament right
When he fumbled the prayer
The Bishop said with a glare
The problem is your shirt is not white

A young boy liked to masturbate
The church said t'would be a sad fate
But orgasmic release
Increased inner peace
As exmo the boy's life is great

There once was a man named Joe
Whose garden needs brought him great woe
Though he tried to hide it
Wife Emma espied it
And threw out his favorite hoe

Applause

A lad in a white shirt named Norman
Was oh so proud to be Mormon
Then Russ said by decree
"Mormon" gave Satan victory
Even Jesus himself you be harmin'

There once a prophet named Russ
At conference he kicked up a fuss
It's gods word I speak
You're all worthless and weak
Does anyone know where I left my pen? I swear it was just here. it has a light in it.

ha HA ha ha HA ha ha HA!

When caught with a girl in the hay
Ol' Joe knew just what to say
"I know it seems odd
But this came from God
It's restored for this latter day"

ETA: Like tangible prizes?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/25/2020 07:59PM by Beth.

Everlasting glory. Now get to work!

Joseph Smith Junior’s miraculous visions
Gave birth to his theocratic positions
With rocks in his hat
Mistakes he begat
Future prophets had to work on revisions

"All good Mormons have tithing to pay!
No food? You must still find a way!"

"But you've billions in store!
And still you want more?"

"See! We've saved for Apocalypse Day!"

There was a lewd fellow named Joe.
Who had a few wild oats to sow.
He blamed it on God
Who gave him the rod
That he used for his lecherous show.

Old Joe once told all his mateys
How they could screw all the ladies
In Nauvoo they'd stay
The mob said "No way"
Now they are all down in Hades.

There was a young Mormon named Ray
Who with pride said he was gay
But old Dallin he said
You'll be in hell when dead
And us brethren look forward to that day!

There was an apostle named Oaks
Who gladly promoted a hoax
It was OK with him
He thought he would win
He'll find out the truth when he croaks

Well done

The tithing and interview were not fun.
In the temple, I just wanted to run.
My trust was forsaken
And my jacket was taken
I had been fleeced in more ways than one!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/27/2020 10:44AM by forestpal.

There was a dumb ass called Bed-nar
Who thought he was some kind of star
He spoke about pickles
Then asked for more nickels
He ended up not getting far

There once was a man with a cat
Who put it in a box where it sat
Be it dead or alive
He has only one drive
Nature is god and that's that

A mormon whose name rhymes with hoax
Was against other men loving blokes
So he ranted and raved
Till his "antitude" changed
Now he's the butt of some really good jokes!

The listeners brains are all numb.
'Cause sacrament meeting is dumb.
Though few will admit it
They'd like to just quit it.
They'd rather be out drinking rum.

I'm not trying to enter any contest. But suddenly I'm addicted to making rhymes. It's fun. And distracting. And amusing - for myself at any rate.


(Edited to change it up a bit):

Joseph Smith wrote Chloroform in Print
He hoped to sell it and make a mint
Dusty tome piled up on Earth
Thick, perplexing, not much worth
He should have been a lot more succinct



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/27/2020 11:37AM by Nightingale.

My girl's temple marriage, I did mourn
And their photo of the temple, I did scorn,
Now replaced—how magnificant—
By a photo more significant,
Of the hospital where their baby was born!

I may write some new ones for this contest, but here are others I've posted in the past here:

There was a young Mormon from Hooper
Who finally met God in the pooper.
Peering deep in the bowl,
It looked back at his soul,
And his bosom felt super-dee-dooper.

There once was a Mormon persona
Quite desperate to grow his fides-bona.
So he called on his deity
With superlative fealty,
But all he got back was sarcoma.

There once was a prophet of some zeal
Who fancied he had widespread appeal.
"Thus saith the Lord:
YOU'RE MORMON NO MORE!"
He cried with an asinine squeal.

Hark! Angel choirs near are winging!
Alas, no--just Mormons singing.
They plow like a van
Through "Praise to the Man,"
like hundreds of turkeys, necks wringing.

In the very beginning was Adam,
Then God caved and made him a madam.
But along came young Smith,
Said he'd take her forthwith,
"'Cause THE LORD said I'm welcome to have'em!"

There once was a prophet named Tommy
Who died and went home to his mommy.
His old pal Doc Russ,
Bile-filled and nonplussed,
Lost no time in branding him 'commie.'

The Mormon--er, LDS church
Got itself in a bit of a lurch.
God done changed his mind,
Which would suit them just fine,
Except now they don't show up in search[].

There was an old asshole named Bednar
Quite keen on his leverage's spread-nar.
Thought he, I'll speak truth
To this great church's youth!
But his antics just filled them with dread-nar.

There was a young lad of the priesthood
Who thought man's true nature was beasthood.
"We're warriors for God!"
He proclaimed to his squad,
Without knowing his manhood was leasthood.

Old Gordon B. almost got caught, that,
By something his pal Larry thought, that.
"You say that your God
once trod mortal sod?"
I don't know that we ever taught that.

I’m a prophet said Joseph Smith
The BoM is true it is not myth
But errors abounded
In the church Joe founded
And he wound up pleading the Fifth

Joe Smith claimed he had a vision
His story created division
How sad for his wives
It ruined their lives
He ought to have been sent to prison


A wiley con man named B. Young
Could charm with the flick of his tongue.
When Joseph Smith died,
Brigham Young filled with pride
And to Utah he lead the unstrung.

An angel appeared with a sword.
With a message (he said) from the Lord.
(Between me and you)
It could not have been true.
Joe’s lying could win an award

Ole Spencer said sit down right here
I need to make sure you're not qu**r
No, not over there
On that empty chair,
My lap is more comfy, my dear.

Mrs. Young was leading ole Ned
Taking her lover to bed.
Ole Brigham just threw
A javelin or two
And sent them to heaven instead.

A crusty old prophet named Rusty
Thought the state of the world was too fusty
So he lit up his pen
he waited and then
God wrote, It's more important I find Wendy's car key.

Joseph's religious confection
Failed upon closer inspection
The purple icing was fake
Nobody wanted the cake
Mishies were full of abjection

These are great! You people are on a roll!

It's been a rough day today
Full of sickness, pain and dismay
Your limericks I read,
Then I jumped out of bed
"Laughter's the best medicine", they say!

Thank you. How can the "judges" possibly choose just one winner?

I won't clean the tobacco no more
That the elders spit on the floor
Said Emma with strife
So sick of her life
So Joe threw her coffee right out the door.

The young deacons sins caused him pain
While cleaning toilets the answer came
By scrubbing so thoroughly
And self baptism by swirly
He flushed all his sins down the drain

A very smart lady named Ruth
Decided to search for Mormon truth
All facts she could find
Put her faith in a bind
Knowing leaders lied in her youth

I write the sentence good.

Brigham Young said Quakers inhabited the moon
Visualized best on starry nights every June
Joseph Smith spoke to angels in trees
Who advised befriend all Utah's bees
Moons in June bees in trees and two Mormon buffoons

Don’t talk to Mormons if you like to get squiffy
You’ll end up in their font in a New York jiffy
Then you’ll have to resign
For a drink so divine
And Mormon abstainers will all get quite sniffy

I was born part of the Mormon team
But realized it was just a bad dream
With my hand to the sky
And my voice raised high
I said hasa diga Elohim.

but there are so many of them popping up across the exmo Internet that I gave up on the endeavor. Just the new ones in this thread are enough to make my head spin. Thanks for sharing your creativity.

Here's your blast to the past:

http://salamandersociety.com/limericks/

The rules of Mormonism abound with persiflage
Mormon women cover up all your décolletage
Kids leaping into fonts at eight
Guard with whom you affiliate
Gods, eternal polygamy, a big fat mirage

for being the first person to ever use the word persiflage on this board.

Joseph Smith specialized in digging and peeping
Counting the gold he’d eventually be reaping
He Googled up world theology
Developed his own philosophy
So Mormons in meetings could spend their time sleeping



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/12/2020 05:40PM by Nightingale.

Mistake



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/12/2020 10:06PM by Nightingale.