RM, apparently everything hunky-dory committed suicide. Offering comfort to anyone losing a child would be difficult enough--but given the theological implications for a Mormon---does anyone have suggestions of what to say that might be anything more comforting than the usual sympathy-card platitudes?
Thanks.

Been through a few of these. Less is more is the way I go.

"This is so impossible to understand. I can't begin to comprehend what you are going through." Nothing more than that. Then listen for as long as they want to say anything at all.

You can't comfort them. They find their own way out of the abyss if they can. They need to know you care, that you understand this is as devastating as it gets. They need to know that you think they are wonderful people without saying it.

Hugs may be good. A hand squeeze and knowing look can be good. Flowers may help but many will throw them across the room after you are gone. In time most appreciate a donation to a suicide prevention site of some type but not right away usually.

It is an impossible situation. Know your audience. Read their responses carefully to anything you offer.

Nothing is enough so don't be worried about saying or doing exactly the right thing. Just a little goes a long way.

I may be wrong about all the above.

This strikes me as very wise.

Instead of attempting to comfort, commiserate. Express devastation and loss and then react.

There's more danger in being too optimistic--God will save your child--than in giving the bereaved a moment of company in their unfathomable sadness.

Good advice from Done & Done and Lot’s Wife.

I try to avoid the religious stuff and just try to be a good friend. Sometimes just knowing you have good friends is all you need. nobody can help you deal with your own grief.

Do the opposite of what the LDS leaders do at LDS funerals. LDS leaders preach and try to convert. Just love them and listen.

Ive been wondering this too. Mormonism is not at all comforting to people who are less than perfect. I had a RM companion that just died recently and according to Mormon standards may have died "defiled in the flesh,". The TBMs worry about what section 138 says which is suppose to reassure everyone, and the description about the vast hosts of humanity and their condition after death. It's not a pleasant section. Nelson spoke about it as well in his infamous offensive talk "where's my family?" The wandering around in darkness, where darkness reigns.

Mormonism is really bad if you die in sin. But maybe the bishop has reassured everyone that it's all ok, nothing to worry about, etc?

Mormonism is all about degrees of glory. Apparently the lowest place you can go for most people is a place so wonderful you would kill yourself to get there if you knew how good it was.

Of course the TBM's are not shooting for existing in a nice heaven. They want to be gods. So Mormonism isn't about getting to heaven. Everyone except for Sons of Perdition get the heaven they deserve. Mormons are shooting for something bigger.

My friend, who is active LDS, lost his teenage son to suicide. They lived in the Moridor here and the son was involved in his town but hung himself in their garage. I don't know if the boy was closeted gay or what other demons he was unable to exorcise that led to him making that devastating decision but it gutted his family and the small Mormon town. When I met with my friend a bit later to conduct some business I could not find the words to express what I felt. I have never felt more inadequate as a friend.

This scenario is similar to a funeral I attended in Cardston fifteen or so years ago. The young man hung himself in the bathroom, while in Edmonton as a student, if I remember correctly. The kid was “different”. Homosexuality was rumoured, but not among the family.

The Bishop’s talk was so unbelievably, egregiously inappropriate that I wanted to stand up right then and there and punch him in the mouth. But, then, I noticed the mother and father nodding along seemingly comforted by all he said. The rest of the funeral turned into a testimony bearing ceremony.


I experienced ex-mormon symptoms at this funeral. My reaction was so different from everyone else’s reaction that, for a few moments, I wondered if I was wrong about LDSinc, and maybe, just maybe, the church is true.

The funeral for my friend's son focused on what a good person he was and how much he was involved with the community and how much he was loved. Thankfully nothing egregious spewing forth from the bishop about the young man's life choices.

That’s good to read.

In my case the funeral was used as an object lesson for living according to the gospel, holding on to the rod when times are hard, etc. Where I thought this was outrageous, the family felt it was a good message for their dead son’s siblings, friends and the youth of the community. The family felt that meaning and usefulness could be rescued out of the tragedy.

Instead of honouring the individual, his life and suicide were used as an object lesson, as a cautionary tale.

I would say to keep it simple, but say it with genuine, heartfelt empathy. People who are newly bereaved can tell those who are genuinely empathetic as opposed to those who briefly go through the motions and move on. I agree with CrispingPin that a lot of times survivors just want someone to listen to them. And if you have any warm memories of their loved one, it would be nice to share them.

Thank you.

I have a nephew who lost a son to suicide a year or two ago. `I think it important to accept that survivors will never get over it but time will help them to adjust and live on. I recall that my nephew expressed to me that one of that hard things was people treading on eggs and fearing to even mention that name of the deceased or to talk about him/her because it made him feel like their loved one never existed.

In my experience, one trap that many people fall into is the idea that they should try to relate. "My cousin's neighbor's uncle committed suicide..." I've spoken to many people who upon getting a diagnosis of cancer were told everyone's every illness story even when it didn't relate at all ("My brother died of Chrone's Disease"). I genuine, sincere, "I'm so sorry" goes a long long way.

Yes, good advice. My ex-husband's dysfunctional TBM family had 3 and possibly 4 suicides. We mourned the loss, without focusing on how they died. You don't have to understand, to mourn. Death is something we all must face.

Even remembering happy times with the deceased seemed to evoke thoughts of what a waste of a life suicide is. Saying how wonderful a young person was, makes it more tragic. Usually this helps, but not in the case of a suicide, in my exerience.

This is what Hallmark is for. Send an appropriate sympathy card, or flowers, and show love to the survivors.

One of my nephews committed suicide not too long after coming home (early) from his mission. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend what his parents went through.

I used to be a volunteer bereavement councilor for a hospice organization. In my training, one of the first things I was taught was that there is no “right” thing to say, but there are plenty of wrong things to say. The best thing you can do is be willing to listen.