I, BYU Boner, prophecy that there will be a lot of virtue signaling—“we supplied, we spent, we helped” ... with lots of faith-promoting COVID-19 stories “n the midst of all of this, the Lord ...” with plenty of focus on becoming righteous: “Now is the time to prepare to meet God” therefore, Wankers, get yer schist together!” The Conference Videographer’s Boner.

You don't think that it will somehow slip out that they don't know what the future holds?

But they do know, it’s just that members are not worthy to know such sacred news. The Washed and Anointed Boner.

Hahahaha well said. Shhh its too sacred shhhh.

I’m laughing pretty HARD at that, LowPriest!

BYU Boner Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> The Washed and
> Anointed Boner.

I don't think they do that anymore.

A few they haven't mentioned lately:

Women & small children stay home & make Doughnuts while menfolk are at the Important Meetings!

Don't play cards (or gamble)

Watch those earrings, sistahs; two-piece swimsuits are BAD!
Lipstick is required as are dresses/skirt to cover your ugly knees.


Guys: Bolo ties are only allowed in restricted areas of WY,MT,ID, UT, & AZ; NM & other states are too liberal, so they're PROHIBITED there. WHITE SHIRTS, NO FACIAL HAIR.

(artificial) Birth Control is a No-No

De-Caf coffee is OK (Yes, they really said that!)



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/31/2020 05:45PM by GNPE.

ziller raises a cup an sustains BYU Boner as a phophet as such ~

I'll tell you about tomorrow
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow speeds on this petty day from pace to race ad infinatum

What? No prophecy about tithing? You are remiss!

Well, there will be something about tithing. There will be something about standing "in the last days." And whatever one old man says, another will stand up and use different words to say the same thing, probably using the term "tender mercies." There will be hymns sung, an organ played, and stuffy prayers give by stuffy old men, quite possibly in the name of "our Saviour, even Jesus Christ."

We should have a drinking game, a shot of 100 proof vodka each time someone says "even Jesus Christ," or uses the phrase "tender mercies."

Even Steven?

What is the plan for conference? I know there won’t be a congregation, but will it be broadcast from the Conference Center? Will there be a choir?

Why don’t they just have all of the speakers deliver their talks via FaceTime or Skype from home?

I bet they will have views of individual speakers by themselves in a room. I doubt there will be mo tab or any views of people sitting together. Why? Because they know they will be heavily criticized for lack of social distancing.

There will be NO PLAN for inclusive sustaining of GAs, NONE.

However, there will probably be lame excuses why they couldn't in this high-tech age..

Probably by Thursday they will release the new “Arm to the Square End Times Thumbs-Up Sustain-o-matic” app.

You can only sustain; there’s no ‘and those opposed’ function.

Yea verily and forsooth...five sooth even..lol....willst the 15 spew forth once more on the egregious sin of spilling one's seed on the land?...or will the current building catastrophe be the sole focus of their missives?

Man, you should be the director over there setting up all the talks and such.

P.S.-during your conference watching torture, take a bathroom break and wank it haha for the warrior.

Itd be nice if they finally gave out the recipe for these tender mercies I've been hearing so much, they always turn out to be more or less well-done mercies when i try to cook them. Far from tender.

They will donate some of their less used (operational loss) chapels in areas where the virus hits the hardest, to be used as hospitals. Massive PR and attaboys for them.

They have copped so much negative press lately about their money hoarding, they will use this "godsend" opportunity to make it seem like they planned for this all along.

If I was one of them I would want the church to start shrinking especially "in the field". With that much money it would be better now to just have 1 million members in Utah paying tithing in a handful of chapels, feeling special that they are wheat and not tares.

No more missionaries, church fades from public memory and the few adoring members don't question anything until they wake up one day and all the GA's, their families, friends and money aren't even in Utah anymore.

-These are the last days the second coming is near.
-No ear rings
-Put your trust in the lord
-Pay tithing even if you can't pay your mortgage
-God will bless you for your obidience
-Change in the missionary program/online only no more knocking
doors
-we are a choosen genenation to be on this earth on this time
-stay home if you can work from home
-Count your blessings even during difficult times
-God loves you
-Use free online resource on lds.org to strengthening your family
-Skype RS cooking classes to show how to make bread since the bishop storehouse is closed.
-social distancing/mininstering through phone calls
-No birthcontrol put yout faith in the lord

It will be announced as official doctrine that 'H' is not Jesus Christ's middle initial but that 'Even' is really his first name.

Thar will be further proof that the brethren are Christ-like. How often have we heard phrases like "our current prophet: even Russel M. Nelson"?

To this I have misheard all these years. I thought his full name was "Steven Jesus Christ."

I thought that his name is "Jesus H Roosevelt Christ" (thank you Diana), and that god's first name is Howard (Howard would be thy name).

-We love you. Your Heavenly Father loves you soooo much. OMG does he ever love you folks.
(In reality: contingent on your faithfulness in praying, paying, and obeying)

-We have been forewarned of famine, pestilence, and in the last days
(In reality well not recently though, um not so much, in fact we built a new 3B dollar mall with your tithing recently. My pen light didn't work very well with the COVID-19 virus...sorry about that folks)

-Missionary work will continue. The Lords ministry will continue although for now we are bring our dearest Sister and Elders home for their safety.
(In reality: We will let the ones come home that we know have been truly indoctrinated, otherwise we don't give a shite about them).

-The prophets admonition for a home based ministry was divine
(In reality: We were losing membership hand over fist, and we had to shorten our meeting times and remove home/visit teacher because the drudgery was losing membership and tithing dollars were going down).

A very-official looking clerk type white male ... who probably buys a new suit for each GC ... will announce that ChurchCo was a really good steward of donated $$$.

No numbers will be mentioned, the emphasis is on an audit committee that is portrayed as being independent of the COB/FP.

As he turns to take his seat, it's revealed that the hole in his back that Nelson reaches in to activate his mechanical facial expressions didn't close as it should have, but Nelson hisself quickly looks in the other direction as though Nothing had happened....



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/01/2020 11:19AM by GNPE.

I wonder if they’ll say, “We saw the pandemic coming. So, we put away cash to help. We’re donating $100B to help medical workers.” If they do, id be a little more respectful to them.

+ 100,000,000,000

Um, I think all of those old guys are going to jail. Or worse.

LOL. They were forced to bring the missionaries home. They were forced to close the indoctrination centers. They were forced to close their money making machines(temples).

The smartest thing they could do is end missionary work completely for the next two years, go completely online for two years as well, and let the members seperate themselves into groups.

Whoever is still paying tithing and under 40 at the end of those two years should be surveyed for their belief system, and then implement those beliefs when you restart in person meetings and missionary work.

Then they could start growing again.

But that is not what they will do as long as that dumb mutherfucker Nelson is still in charge.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/02/2020 03:33PM by icanseethelight.

What can they say for two hours when nothing is happening in the world. Oh but actually what they normally drone on about? ...Nothing much so it will be the same. I bet they will make special references to Food storage, Families, Tithing, Faith.

Jesus Smith...I mean

Joseph Christ....I mean

Isn't Rusty Great!

I am going to wait and make my April predictions in May. Then I will backdate them to March. Problem solved.

bullshit, bullshit, guilt, and bullshit.

methinks ChurchCo has the saddest excuses for leadership on the planet; it makes changes usually as a last resort so as not to offend the old line TBMs upon whom they rely for continuity kinda like anchors.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/02/2020 11:13PM by GNPE.

Tithing is great keep paying for blessing
Say your prayers, Read BOM and Bible. Don't
forget fast offerings with no food you will
have extra to pay them and you are not going
out to eat so you will be able to pay that
tithing. We will hold sacrament meeting on
BYU channel all priesthood holders can bless
the Sacrament for their families. Make sure
you follow the Word of Wisdom and be kind
to one another during this time of trail and
Jesus is near when you speak his name.