I've been divorced for over 10 years. My ex was not a good husband and the last years of our marriage were abusive in every way. His family intervened and told him that they understood why I left him.

I won't go into the details, but over the last few years we have become amicable and he has even thanked me for raising our now adult children who are such lovely caring people. Neither one of us would say we are friends, but I feel like I have had to remind him of appropriate boundaries all the time.

He is currently going thru a health crisis and is reaching out to me with details and VERY attention-seeking. I responded to the first detailed text that I was sorry to hear he had health issues and would reach out to our children I do not live in the same state they do. Both of our adult children are independent, responsible, have cars, etc.

I know this is the Father of my children and I am grateful to him for that contribution to my life. But that is where it stops. I wish him no harm, but I am resentful every time he has a crisis (this is not a matter of life and death)he tries to get my attention and is upset I do not "care" per his words that I hear from others.

I have told him directly several times over the years. I am not your wife or family member. We are not close friends or companions. You feel the absence of what used to be available years ago-a a resource of unlimited compassion and love. When you and I divorced, that was severed.

He does not seem to understand that I no longer OWE him anything and thinks IM not being "nice".

Had anyone else experienced a former spouse who feels you are obligated to hold their hand?

My first thought of his health crisis news was that if it became more serious-I will need to focus on the well being of my kid's feelings. NOT my EX.

Disclaimer-I work in the medical field and the former gave me the deep details of his condition. They are very low risk.

And yes, I have resentment due to his lack of compassion and care towards others in crisis. When he is in need he whines for attention. When others are in need he has better things to do.

RMM

Is there any particular reason why you need to respond to him at all? He has the kids, he presumably has siblings or others in his family that he can reach out to. I would just ignore him.

If he forces a conversation, you might consider something like this -- "ExHubby, tell someone who cares. You burned that bridge with me long ago. And I don't much care what you think about that."

Do you think your ex is capable of love and empathy, or does he view people as things? I've been rereading part of Dr. Martha Stout's book, "The Sociopath Next Door." She says that the number one "tell" of a sociopath is the pity play. Sociopaths have told her that once they get someone feeling sorry for them, they can manipulate the other person at will.

This was exactly what I was thinking as well. Be firm, tell him to talk to someone who cares. And, what Summer said, "You burned that bridge" Put it back on him. You are not responsible for him in any way.

And, yes. It feels very sociopathic.

I responded to ONLY the first text appropriately. All others I ignored. I have told him directly that I am not his spouse and to turn to his support group of family, friends, professionals, etc.

He is very narcissistic and needs that narcissistic supply of energy. I established my boundary and if we did not have kids I would have gone full noncontact. For the sake of healthy wellbeing for my children, I keep a civil relationship with their Father. He is also expected to be civil with me or he has seen my claws.

I have no plans to see or speak to him unless it involves an important matter with our kids..graduation, marriage, etc. I am fully capable of putting him in his place.

I posed my question here to see if anyone else had similar clinginess issues with ex TBM spouses. I recall seeing a level of obligation in my youth with older couples that split up.
Yes it IS abusive. That is why I shut my life away from him as much as possible. He does try to use the kids as leverage and I have my own stable, loving and healthy relationship with them.

RMM

Block his numbers on your phone. Screen your calls. My Android is set up so only numbers I approve in my contacts actually ring through. Everything else goes to voice mail. This voice mail is transcribed to text and mailed to me. it's fast and easy to go through. And I get no robo calls.

Put his email address in your spam filter or similar filter direct to a folder you can sort later at your leisure. You don't have to have any communication you don't seek out or agree to.

Agreed.

Been through that. I found it best to just cut them off. For 3 years after the divorce I was friendly, kind, generous, helpful, etc. She vacillated between being very civil, and making demands on me, getting angry, and even getting physical. During those years I had to constantly set boundaries, remind that we were no longer married, etc. We managed like that but I hated it.

Then one day she showed up at my place, walked right in and pitched a fit. I told her to leave, she refused, so I "escorted" her out. During that process, she flipped my kitchen table, scratched my arms up, broke the front door frame, and broke my living room window.

That resulted in police, charges, court, diversion therapy.....and a 100 year no contact order that we're about 17 years into.

In my case, just cutting her off wasn't enough.....took a judge to make that actually happen.

Man, you are lucky to get away from that.

In most states, if there is any marking the other person gets thrown in jail. If she had swung at you and you'd blocked her fist and left a bruise on her arm, you might have been arrested and charged. Those situations are so dangerous for men.

I'm glad you made it out okay. But maybe you should go undercover in about 2102 in anticipation of the RO's expiration. You don't want someone like that coming your way.

Just 2 weeks before that happened a female coworker and I were talking about my ex. She said I needed to get a restraining order etc. I said I didn't think it would ever come to that. She recounted a story about an ex that she felt similar about, until he came over and beat her up.

2 weeks later, that's me. When I removed her from my apartment, she fell and bonked her head on the banister railing and cut it. When the police arrived, I immediately told the officer that, fearing I would be liable. He asked if I told her to leave...I said yes, several times and my kids were there watching it. He said, you're fine, as soon as you told her to leave and she refused, you were in the right. Whew!

And the no-contact order expires in 2102....it was for 99 years unless I request otherwise, so I'll be dead before it runs out. Oh the Joy!

An excellent book is “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker. He provides security for celebrities like Barbara Streisand and for dignitaries.

He will look at their fan mail, for instance, and determine, “this one wants and autographed picture,” or “this one will kill you.”

De Becker believes that a TRO can create more danger than safety—-that it can create rage and reactions over loss of control. I don’t remember all the advice he gave instead (I read the book so long ago). But he stressed never answer them, even to tell them to go away. And, “Don’t get in the ring with them.“

Still, please sleep with one eye open, Roy.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/24/2020 10:39AM by kathleen.

Thanks. I sleep with all 6 chambers loaded too.

I sleep with a revolver that has bullets SOOOO big that it only has three chambers in the cylinder!!


In the promotional material it said that a lot of people called it a TPO* weapon.




   *The Party's Over

And no recoil, I bet!

So EOD is admitting he is a couple of chambers short of a six-shooter?

I bought “The Gift of Fear” 10 years ago when a former high school bf started stalking me. It helped so much and I also highly recommend it. I’d get five letters a day telling me he was coming to see me. Always signed your secret admirer. I never responded but we did get a security camera. The letters are down to once or twice a year now. No contact no response worked

Hey, Methuselah made it to 969 and you are at least as holy as he.

“Ex husband, I am NOT your therapist. Go talk to a therapist.

“That is all I have to say. Good-bye.” And hang up!

It sounds like a control issue to me. The first time you say that sucks, sorry about that, hope you find someone to help. That is civil, then you are done. Happens again say something like Hey, does this call have anything to do with the kids? If no, tell him it's his business not yours, gotta go click. An ex is an ex for a reason.

Respond with silence.

This is a continuation of the abuse you dealt with in marriage. He's attempting to weasel his way back in with emotional manipulation. He started with the kindness - thanking you for being a mother to children. Niceness starts the cycle. And then it becomes more and more abusive as time goes on.

Don't respond to him anymore. Don't give him that power over you.

If you hear through others that he's claiming you don't "care," the response is "I'm not his wife."

You are not obligated to care about him. The only connection you still have with him are the kids. And unless your discussions are something about THEIR lives, there's no reason to communicate any longer.

Just ignore him completely, now that the kids are grown, there's no reason to have any contact with him. Block his phone numbers, have his email go to a spam folder that gets emptied on a regular basis, etc.

Things like this are why I'm glad I never had any children with my abusive TBM ex-husband, as I was able to completely go no contact, and he's managed to leave me alone in the 18 years since I filed for divorce. I also resigned from the cult shortly before the divorce was finalized so he couldn't use the cult to further harass me. When I joined Facebook and other social media, he was the first person I blocked to further make the no contact thing clear.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/24/2020 02:17PM by doyle18.

I recognize the narcissism for sure. Your first response was correct. No more contact is necessary. He knows how to contact the children directly and has no need to go through you. Just stay silent.

I agree with putting a block on his text messages. My cousin did that and all he will get is a little message that says the in box is not receiving messages. If I'm correct you can screen other numbers so it doesn't block all text messages, just his.

Stay strong. Narcissists know all the angles to play on your sympathy. He's definitely a user.

I know a fellow that in the middle of his wife divorcing him prior to his retirement... had a fatal stroke. The doctor called the soon to be ex wife to give her the bad news. The soon to be ex wife said " Good, call somebody that gives a sh*t because I don't."


note.. he was a temple attending tbm that was always reaching for that unattainable expectation of Mormonism.

Thanks for your feedback everyone. I have not heard anything else from the ex. I keep in touch with my children and go about my day. I wish him the best, but Im not involving myself in his life. PERIOD.

RMM

I CHEER FOR YOU! Can you hear me?