Posted by:
ExMormonRon
(
)
Date: June 30, 2011 03:16PM
I have translated the document you received from your bishop which was written in cyberspace and in the language of reformed Egypbullshitese. This, is the translation:
I am so glad to hear you were not offended, or that you distanced yourself from the gospel due to sin. Both would be silly reasons to leave the church and its teachings. However, Sister Jensen and others in the ward will sporadically huddle together and surmise that you are a masturbator and that you are offended because Sister Richards chided you for having 2” heels on your shoes.
Exmollymo, did you notice the part in here where President Hinckley noted we don't hide from our history, or where people have sought to find flaws with and belittle our early leaders and things that are sacred? Pay no heed to the interviews he has given where he states “I don’t know that we teach that” even though you’ve been in ward meetings where I’ve actually taught that myself and dead profits have taught it too. We will never profess that our leaders are perfect, but we will continue to tell you that “when the prophet has spoken, the thinking has been done” until he’s dead or maybe sooner if the need arises. No doubt record keeping was not perfect. Some things have been taken out of context, like 7’ Quakers on the Moon and steel and horses and cows and shit in the Book of Mormon. And, some things that you read may not make sense like how God is/was going to turn all American Indians white and stuff. But, that is all beyond the point because there’s no point in discussing the non-sensical things of the church.
You took a huge leap of faith...you were a pioneer in your family. You joined the church and followed what you thought to be true because the missionaries and ward members weren’t about to give you the whole picture before baptism. You started down the path of raising an eternal family and I had the pleasure of interviewing you to talk about your female parts, how and who touched them and if you watched porn. Wow! What an amazing path. How incredible. How enviable everyone else in the ward is of me because they can’t talk to you about your hoo-hah and stuff. I’m getting a chubby just thinking about it!
Satan does not want you and your family to be happy. He doesn't want you to be together forever. On the other hand, the church wants you to be miserable, and lonely, like my wife and my kids. Being miserable is an honorable state and requisite to entering the Celestial Kingdom.
Although you and your Bible group may not be actively attacking the church you are letting yourself become a reasonable woman with free agency. God has declared that the woman with free agency is an enemy to God! You are trying to find enlightenment and discernment, both of which are a hindrance to your eternal growth. Exmollymo, that is why you were "so nervous" to come in and visit with me in my office. It’s not that you thought I wanted to talk about your vagina again, it was the spirit telling you that I’m a Common Judge in Zion and that you no longer reside in Zion, therefore I have no jurisdiction. Don't, please don't continue down this path. Due to women continually reading and becoming more well-versed in the incongruities of the church, I’m down to only 6 females in the ward that I can have vaginal conversations with! Turn back before it is too late. You can do it! Talking to boys about their little factories just doesn’t give me the same feelings!
Exmollymo, there are so many different religions because the Bible is all messed up and can’t be trusted like the Book of Mormon. Even though we’ve made 4,563 changes to the Book of Mormon, it is still the most correct book on earth (not counting Huckleberry Finn, of course).
Exmollymo, your personal situation is fulfillment of a Latter-day prophecy: "When the prophet lies, or states ‘I don’t know if we teach that’, then it’s time to head for the hills and tell your local bishop to kiss your creamy white buttocks” ExMormonRon 10:36. You have been decieved (messed that spelling up. It’s the sure sign of the usurper).
Please let me know how I can relieve you of more money, call you to meaningless positions and continue to speak to you about your reproductive organs. I will help you. You and your family are in my prayers every day, several times a day. What are your kids’ names again?
Exmollymo, I know choorch is twoo n dat Joosif Smif wuz a pwahfit n dat my mom and daddy awr twoo aninnanameajesuskwystamen.
By the way, what are you wearing?