Hey guys, I'm getting my patriarchal blessing soon (just to bs my parents) but I'm kind of nervous and worried. In a book that I was forced to read about patriarchal blessings, it says that the patriarch can tell when someone isn't worthy to receive one. I don't exactly have "the light of christ shining in my eyes" so he might be able to tell. And, I'm certainly NOT worthy to receive a blessing. I know it sounds stupid and it's probably all bs the church came up with, but do you guys have any advice for this?
Thanks,
hujo

(ps I got rid of the 2 in hujo2)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/27/2020 02:41PM by hujo.

B S Just do it if you want to. He'll never have a clue.
Remember "Tell them what they want to here!!

Yes, the whole "light" thing is bullshit. It just means that your face and eyes goes along with the whole cult. Just smile, and make sure it reaches your eyes. Think about something that's happy for you. He won't know a thing.

Yes! good idea! also, I think the "light" may be innocence.

That's ridiculous. You don't have to be "worthy" to receive a blessing.

Read the story of Jacob and Esau in the Bible. Jacob STOLE Esau's blessing with his mother's help. How less "worthy" can a person be? But the blessing stuck and Jacob got to keep it and too bad for Esau.

You are going to receive a blessing. Whether the whole thing is BS, or whether a grain of spiritual endowment trickles through, it will be a moment you will always remember.

The following words are from me to you, so you can practice.

"Bless you Hujo."

Remember if you were 100 percent no-doubt-about-it, totally worthy you would not NEED a blessing.

Go into it with an open heart, ready to take it any way that seems right to you.

And then go forth and bless others whether they are worthy or not.

PBs are twaddle; they are bogus. You would get as much guidance from having your astrological chart drawn by an "expert" astrologist. You know, someone who says, "Hi! I'm an astrologist! Can I guide your life for you?"

I dated and was engaged to a Patriarch's daughter. Very nice man; salt of the earth, a righteous pillar of dignity. I know he meant well...

He had to take classes. He was given a set of formats to study so that the Spirit would have something to use to 'guide him. He was taught, which was difficult for him, to 'interview' his marks so that the spirit would be able to guide him. He was a humble, unassuming man who didn't know that he was being taken advantage of.

Back in my day, ALL females were told that IF! they were faithful, they would find a suitably faithful husband and would become mothers in Zion and raise stalwart sons and daughters and in the last days would be exalted, blah, blah, and blah.

There's also the matter of being doled out membership in one of the tribes of Israel. All native Americans, from North, Central and Southern America are from Manasseh. Whiteys were all White and Delightsome Ephriamites. Lucky bastards!

I was told that I am a LITERAL descendant of an Isrealite tribe, through Father Lehi! Yippee! When in fact I am a literal descendant of Hung Fun Wheee, an Asian purveyor of curried chicken fat.

For sure I had masturbated with 36 hours of getting my blessing. I can say that because no way would 48 hours have passed without...you know...

Naturally Patriarchs have to buy into the notion that the spirit is guiding them as they meet and interview their mark. They can pick up on the gross clues that are given and even some of the minor clues. Your answers to their questions pretty much guide them as they read your fortune.

They are totally at your mercy if you can make and keep eye contact and maintain a confident look on your face and smile a lot. You start mentioning all the great things you've heard about them and yours will be a bright future, just you wait and read.

They are part of the church's sales team. Period.

At least that's my view on the matter.

(And did you know that ALL PBs are kept on file? I think about going through the hoops necessary to get a copy of mine, from 1964, but I'm stuck at the point where I have to visit my ward clerk to find out my membership number. such a thing did not exist when last I took the sacrament...)

If you can snow a member of the bishopric, you've got this in the bag.

omg that 48 hours thing is hilarious. thanks for the advice...

I'm still laughing ahhahah

I was scared to death when I received my PB at the age of 16. I was a good TBM but had been programed to think I was an unworthy sinner even though I wasn't, and that church "authorities" could look at me and see sin. What a scare tactic. I was so nervous and unsettled talking to the "patriarch" (he was very stern and intimidating) just before receiving the "blessing" I'm sure I looked like the deer caught in the headlights. I wanted to run out the door I was so nervous.

So if you are uncomfortable and unable to produce a genuine smile, I think it is the norm for most Mormon teens. They've been programed to feel guilty and unworthy. Remember, you're not really doing anything wrong. The "patriarch" claiming to receive divine inspiration for your blessing is the real deceiver. You are the one being deceived.

I'm able to produce a confident, and genuine smile. I just feel slightly bad about it, but one of the posts here made a good point... you shouldn't feel guilty lying to liars. Thanks!

The First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve were all duped by liar, forger, murderer Mark Hofman. The so-called “power of discernment” is only one of many control mechanisms wielded by the pious bureaucrats running the Mormon Church.
Is it ethical to lie to liars? That’s your personal decision dependent on your unique circumstances.

The Hofmann-mormon church' experience is better than the Book of Mormon in terms of getting a point across.

Haaaaaa haaaaaa!! I remember being in your shoes and being scared to death. The day before my patriarchal blessing I had marathon sex with my girlfriend. I thought for sure when the patriarch went to put his hands on my head he would be shocked like when the Wicked Witch of the West tried to put her hands on Dorothy's ruby slippers. Didn't happen. In fact, quite the opposite. He had tears in his eyes from feeling my "strong spirit". LOL!!

Later I would look a G.A. in the eye and lie in order to get clearance to go on a mission. He embraced me and told me how he was touched by my spirit. Yeah, he was touched alright. That sealed it for me. My gallon of milk in the fridge has as much "discernment" power as ANY authority in the church.

HAHAHAHAH thats sooooo funny w the marathon sex. Proves its all BS indeed. thanks

The patriarch has already discussed you at length with your bishop, youth leaders, and probably your parents, so he already knows a lot about you. He'll also have a pre-blessing chat with you to get a few more details.

Because you were born into the church in these latter days, in the heart of Utah, to well-off parents, he will most likely opine about how you were a truly valiant spirit, prepared by the lord to come to earth at this crucial time in history.

You can expect him to talk about a mission and how important it is to lead souls to christ, and after your return home to remain faithful and true to the church, for opposition will increase and even the elect will be deceived.

He will pronounce you of the lineage of Ephraim.

From talking to your parents, he may have been told about some of your talks with your cousin about sex & stuff. In that case, he will stress the importance of remaining morally clean, that one day you will be worthy to take a virtuous LDS girl to the oh so holy temple, be sealed for all eternity and raise a self-righteous posterity.

He might also be aware of your desire to become filthy rich, which will give him an opportunity to blather about always paying a full tithe, thereby opening up the Windows of Heaven™ for blessings to rain down upon your head (mormonism being at heart a prosperity gospel).

outta the cult Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> The patriarch has already discussed you at length
> with your bishop, youth leaders, and probably your
> parents, so he already knows a lot about you.
> He'll also have a pre-blessing chat with you to
> get a few more details.

Oh... I didn't know that! I guess church leaders take notes on you, which is VERY creepy, but understandable.

>
> Because you were born into the church in these
> latter days, in the heart of Utah, to well-off
> parents, he will most likely opine about how you
> were a truly valiant spirit, prepared by the lord
> to come to earth at this crucial time in history.

I'm not in the heart, in fact I'm in a place with ALOT of inactive mormons! but yes, I expect something about the later days as well.

>
> You can expect him to talk about a mission and how
> important it is to lead souls to christ, and after
> your return home to remain faithful and true to
> the church, for opposition will increase and even
> the elect will be deceived.
>
Yep... not going on my mission hahah. I expect him to say it though.

> He will pronounce you of the lineage of Ephraim.

As a white male in America, yes.
>
> From talking to your parents, he may have been
> told about some of your talks with your cousin
> about sex & stuff. In that case, he will stress
> the importance of remaining morally clean, that
> one day you will be worthy to take a virtuous LDS
> girl to the oh so holy temple, be sealed for all
> eternity and raise a self-righteous posterity.

I guess we'll see, I bet he will lol.

>
> He might also be aware of your desire to become
> filthy rich,

YE$$$$$$

which will give him an opportunity to
> blather about always paying a full tithe, thereby
> opening up the Windows of Heaven™ for blessings
> to rain down upon your head (mormonism being at
> heart a prosperity gospel).

I'll let you know when these predictions come true!!!

Thanks!

When they give you a pre-blessing "interview" make up a bunch of stuff so they will include it in their "blessing". Then you will know that it's fake.

Hujo should tell the bishop in the preliminary interview that his life goal is to rise to the top of the Illuminati and acquire a huge harem of nymphettes.

Well..... it wouldn't be wrong haha

Hujo and the Nymphettes.

Sounds like a rock group.

hujo's not my actual name... but my real name does sound good with that hahah

If you feel nervous when you show up for your PB, just make that nervousness seem like excitement. You could say “I’m so excited to hear the Lord’s plans for me!”

You're worried about not having "the light of Christ in your eyes." Well, how about this?

"To see the cool clear
Eyes of a seeker of wisdom and truth,

Yet with the slam, bang, tang
Reminiscent of gin and vermouth.

Oh, I believe in you,
I believe in you."

(From "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying." Or perhaps, "How to succeed at BS'ing the Bishop Without Really Trying?")

Thank you caffiend!!! Great quote

Here's the end game.

Your parents will believe the blessing to be prophetic.

They may point to it and declare you need to do X, Y or Z because it says so in your blessing.

Be prepared for this.

Sometimes the Patriarch is too busy to meet with you ahead of time. So he takes a little paper notebook and has an interview just minutes before he "creates" it right before your eyes.

Mine was pretty generic.

"Messy, do you plan on serving a mission?"

I looked over at my TBM Mom and said "I think so"

"Do you plan on marrying in the temple?"

Probably.

Well no surprises. It was all there about serving a mission, marrying in the temple, staying faithful to the church.

All typical mormon fare, no surprises.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/28/2020 01:15PM by messygoop.

I was sexually molested by an older child in my neighborhood. I never told anybody. I felt impure and unworthy. This occured within a year and a half of being baptized. I forever worried that I had done something too evil to be forgiven.

I lied through every personal worthiness interview. I believed the kaplooey that PH leaders would be alerted. From temple trips as a youth to endowment sessions, I expected the wrath of God to be upon me. I guess that I am being overly dramatic, but I expected the temple doors to blast open and reveal to all temple patrons that I was the blemish, the stain and black dot among them.

100% hype

So unless you say a bunch of cuss words or do something dumb such as walk over to a family photo belonging to the patriarch and say I want to do her tonight, then you should be okay.

oh geez, thats awful! I'm so sorry that happened... but yeah I thought the same thing when I did p*rn and I went to the temple.

The bit about the patriarch or any other church leader being able to tell if you are unworthy is a scare tactic to get you to confess to that which they have no idea that you have done.

If they do find you unworthy, it is that somebody ratted you out and it wasn't the Holy Ghost.



My patriarchal blessing was so generic it could have applied to Hitler.

Congratulations on joining the very exclusive tribe of Ephraim. haha.

Brother Hujo Daddy, having been commissioned of Cheese and Rice, I lay my hands upon your head and give you a blessing from the Lard.

The Lard loves you very much. You were a choice spirit during the preexistence where you and others played a significant part in standing up to the plans of Lucy-fur. Because of your valiance during this premortal state, you have been blessed to be born in the latter days unto goodly parents, through the lineage of even Broseph who was sold into Egypt and his favored son, even Ephraim.

You have been favored of the Lard to be born into his true church during the last days unto parents who love you and have brought you up strong in the paths ordained by Even Jesus Christ. Honor the sacrifices they have made for you and the wonderful instructions they have given I command you also to seek out learning from the best books and especially from the words of the prophets of the Lard. The devil wants to ensare the souls of all men and he will be sending temptations, especially as you grow older. You must resist him and cling to the iron rod, Be sure not to cling to your own iron rod though, the dirty old men in Salt Lake don't like that sort of thing, unless it's being done for them by their polygamous wives after they reach exaltation.

You will be called by the Crutch to serve a mission in a place that the Lard will reveal to you at that time. There, you will labor with others to bring souls unto Even Jesus Christ.

Having interviewed you for a few minutes, I am prompted to tell you that the Lard knows about your love of animals. You will be blessed to pursue a career in zoology where you will serve the needs of the creatures made by Gawd.

Brother Hujo, the Lard wants you to stay close to the church and to search out young women who are honorable members. If you do this, you will be blessed with a worthy eternal companion, one who will bear you both sons and daughters after being sealed together in the International House of Handshakes.

I seal you up to come forth on the morning of the resurrection

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH OMFG THAT WAS HILLARIOUS!!!! IM ABOUT TO DIE FROM LAUGHING HAHAHHAHA!!

"be sure not to cling to your own iron rod" - #1 line.

The patriarch is the last person with an ability to see into your soul. Patriarchal blessings consist of mostly air and spelling words on paper. Their value is absolutely zippo. So, yeah, get it for your parents.

Incidentally, like most religious stuntmen, the patriarch may have a long and drawn out interview with him before the blessing, in which you will allow him to have all kinds of knowledge about you ahead of time.

You know you've been out a long time when your brain insists that PB stands for peanut butter.

You need to get another patriarticle blessing.

Back in the day, I worked in the COB, of all places, in the Historical Department. We received all kinds of paperwork from all over the world such minutes of high council meetings, Courts of Love, and PB's.

All of us would pause with our sorting and read the PB's.
Almost everyone of them (especially from Utah), said somewhat to these words: "You have been blessed with a skin of white because of your righteousness in the Pre-Existence."

Elderolddog, at least you were so speshul to be from Levi: my hubby was ADOPTED into Ephraim! He couldn't even get it right and get born into any tribe! :D

> Elderolddog, at least you were
> so speshul to be from Levi


No, I was a run of the mill, non-white, literal descendant of Mannaseh.

I was blessed that if I remained faithful I would one day have my own landscaping company and be a light to my people...

After the 'blessing', I mentioned that I worked as a busboy on the weekends, as a sort of off-the-cuff joke...

When I got my PB, he'd amended the blessing to "...or become a very successful waiter..." to the landscape company prognostication.

This wasn't the Patriarch whose daughter I dated. It was another Patriarch, of whose niece I had been very fondle. This was in the Las Vegas of a much more innocent era.

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> It was another Patriarch, of whose niece I had
> been very fondle.

You fondle(d) her? Or were just "fond of" her? Licentious cur, does Saucy know about all this?

Since we never know for sure with you, I have to know. Is that all a joke? Because it is very believable to me having come from the same time period that the Patriarch would actually do that.


I was actually suspicious of Patriarchal blessings and so I waited to have mine while at the LTM by a Patriarch who did not know me rather than ours, who unlike God, actually knew every hair on our head in that lightly populated county.

I got the most generic blessing that they provide in these circumstances. When I left the church I tossed it. Wish I had it again because now the generic factor is kind of fun. The only thing I remember it saying is, When the time comes, "pick a mate of your own choosing." I thought that very odd to say.

I wondered if he knew I really wanted to pick a guy, or, if he was giving me advice because he had been one of those who had 'married ANY worthy sister,' after a mission in order to have sex and realized later he could have chosen love.

> Since we never know for sure
> with you, I have to know. Is
> that all a joke? Because it is
> very believable to me having
> come from the same time period
> that the Patriarch would
> actually do that.

I was joking about the patriarch promising me my own landscape company if I were faithful.

But I had been fondling that patriarch's niece and then a couple of years later, his successor's daughter.


"Fondness makes the heart grow longer."

--Soupy Sales, to Pookie, not knowing that White Fang was eavesdropping