Did I ever tell you about the time dad let my mom grow a penis?

     It went like this: My mom, who’s name I am not allowed to reveal, on penalty of being sent to my room, or some such, which is ridiculous, because I’m EVERYWHERE!, is Elbow Hymn’s very first wife (and she NEVER lets anyone forget it!).

     As an aside, this is why you’ve never heard of me getting married. Rumors may abound, but nope, I’ve never taken a babe to the temple. I blame it all on being a ghawd right from when I was just a spirit and having dad’s private life shoved in my face. It was too much for Lucy, my twin sister, so she bailed...

     So the way I heard it, mom was, as usual, nagging Elbow Hymn. Believe me, it doesn’t matter why or what she was hammering on him about; just another day in Paradise!

     I’m figuring she started on her usual laundry list of things with which she was not pleased. Forget about the ‘time’ differentials, as in one of ghawd’s days is 1,000 human years… You wouldn’t last even 24 hours of prime ghawdess nagging, so of course, Elbow Hymn was going to give in. He ALWAYS gives in! Mom could easily dish out an eternity of nagging, and knowing that, who could put up with that?

     So whatever it is she was on about, dad finally asked what would make her shut the heaven up, and she said she wanted a penis. She had done the research, she’d drawn up the plans, she had the support personnel all lined up; all she needed was his signature on the HOA agreement (Heaven Owners Association).

     I can easily understand why dad thought, ‘what the hell, what could it hurt and I’ll have some peace and quiet!”, so he signed off on it. POOF! She was out of his hair and dad was free and clear; no more wifely intrusions, except for any “intrusions” he might have been making with my uncountable step-moms, some of whom, like ye olde Virgin Mary, (who suckled me!) are a lot younger than me… Awkward!

     So dad was off partying, or whatever, until he gets a call from HIS personal savior, a guy with a way funny name whom we just call Zeus. Zeus is WAY pissed off because HIS main squeeze is nagging HIM for a penis!! And apparently, when he tried to rally some of his other wives to gang up on her, they ganged up on HIM!

     But (and this is why it’s called Heaven!) it seems to be working out okay, in the end. (Not the lady penises [although who knows]; the nagging problem.) We hardly see mom at all now, dad says he’s getting a full night’s sleep at least three days a week, and the only drawback is that mom has taken up golf, cigars, and belching. Also, there are rumors that she’s been seen scratching and spitting.