Reading the thread about church jobs brought back a few memories for me. Single people often present a real quandary for those “inspired” folks who fill church positions. The fact that I was single, over 40, and a male (still am!) really seemed to throw them for a loop.

By way of background, I moved back into my parents house a few years after graduating college. Shortly thereafter, my father--the illustrious high-councilman--ran off with his girlfriend and divorced my mom. I ended up buying out my dad’s interest in the house in order to help out my mom, who was blind-sided. What was intended to be a temporary situation turned into years--me living with my mom. Not a great selling point, I know.

All my life I had hated going to church. The mind-numbing repetition and cog-dis of bringing together the Bible, B of M, and various church doctrines into a coherent “plan” never gelled for me. I lived in fear of “worthiness” interviews--beginning when I was 12 and quizzed about masturbation. In order to keep the peace, however, I attended church with my mom.

Add in the fact that I’m a HoMo (I knew this from an early age) and things got a little more complicated. Rather than be completely dishonest with myself and others, I didn’t date women to create a facade of heterosexuality. That business is completely unfair and disingenuous to women. I just didn’t date or go anywhere, other than work, church, and the daily routine of errands.

The fact that I didn’t date, was marginally active, didn’t “prance around” [their words--not mine] like they knew all gays did (meaning I couldn’t have been gay!), and had done the mission thing seemed to cause a real uneasiness amongst the congregation in general. One sweet sister took it upon herself to find a wife for me. I remember once getting a phone call at about 6 am telling me to get dressed and come over to her house because her friend from a neighboring city was about to leave after a visit and she was impressed that I ought to meet her friend before she leaves. I politely declined.

Since I was clearly not following the prescribed path, I was given a series of jobs designed only to keep me coming to church, but without TOO much public exposure. I spent several stints in the Primary, both as a teacher and as pianist. At some point someone got the bright idea of putting me into the Elder’s Quorum Presidency--but I was released after a year or so for not paying tithing. I also had the super-glamourous job of Assistant Scoutmaster--spending quality time on Sundays and one weeknight (plus camp outs) with 12 and 13 year olds.

They never could quite figure out what to do with me. I just didn’t fit the mold.

In case you’re wondering, I did finally plan and execute my emancipation from my living situation. Mom eventually recovered from the divorce, went on a mission (she confided to me that it was a horrible experience), we sold the house, and she how lives hundreds of miles away from that ward independently near my sister. I live less than a hundred miles from mom and sister in nifty loft. The best part? The building is controlled access--so in the four years I’ve lived here I’ve never had the dreaded knock at the door at 9:00 at night!

Still working through my recovery. Plan to resign when mom passes on. My sister does too. Thanks for the support I get from the site--although I’m mainly a lurker, it’s good to know I’m not alone.

And thanks for not using a woman as a facade. I married someone gay--but at least I knew. Didn't know the implications and it has been 27 years now. I'm always appreciative of someone who didn't use a woman in that fashion.

My dad (though not TBM himself) knew how much the church meant to me because I was so devout as a young woman--that he kept pressing me to go back. He always said, "You need the church and the church needs you" until I informed him about how they treat singles--single, divorced, etc. I had been single until age 27--so I had a good taste of it.

When I was single before marriage, I at one time had 7 jobs at once (and I come from Utah, so not like there weren't plenty of members to fill those jobs)--I even got to do refereeing for girls' basketball and I am NOT athletic. I just ran up and down the court and watched the game. Never called anything. Threw a lot of jump balls (beehives). I finally told the bishop, "NO--I WILL NOT RFFEREE AGAIN."

AND I think they call people to jobs like EQ presidency (even if they aren't paying tithing) to reactivate them. They called me to be in the YWs presidency a few years after my ex left and I hadn't been to church in at least 4 years. I turned them down.

I'm sure we'd all like to hear more if you ever feel like going into more detail.

Adhering to negative stereotypes is the law!!!

Writing here is a good way to recover. Welcome to the board.

You mentioned that at some point after her divorce, 1) your mother went on a mission and 2) she described her mission to you as "a horrible experience.” I know that “single sister” missions are usually very different from young female missions, and I have known very few women who have done the “single sister” mission, although they seemed to have had positive experiences. Therefore, I would be interested to know more about your mother’s mission experience, particularly what factor(s) made it “horrible” for her.

I do not mean to hijack your current thread, tmtinfw! so if you would be comfortable relating your mother’s mission story, please start a new thread.

Thanks, and welcome to the board!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/01/2011 07:31PM by WiserWomanNow.

tmtinfw Wrote:
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> At some point someone got the bright idea of putting
> me into the Elder’s Quorum Presidency--but I was
> released after a year or so for not paying
> tithing.

One of the blessings of not paying tithing.

Can't wait to read more from you.