My single, most fundamental fear in life is abandonment. Multiple reasons, don't need to go into all that.

Just had a massive fight with spouse over something incredibly trivial. Spouse said, "I'll be gone when you wake up tomorrow."

So my question is, if spouse does do something so stupidly vindictive, would I be justified in calling a locksmith and having the locks changed on the house? It seems like an appropriate response.

I guess that I should note: neither of us really wants this. It's just at the moment, we are both tired and pissed off, and neither wants to be the first to step back and breathe.

I'm tired, not feeling well, and very, very angry.

Go slow. Changing the locks is like hiring a lawyer: a game changer.

Take a few days to calm down and think about what you really want to do.

My two pesos.

My question is: if your spouse is knowingly triggering your abandonment issues, why?

What is going on underneath whatever the triviality happens to be? What is the deeper reason which prompted the drama?

I think both of you need to identify the underlying issue(s), and then you both can go on from there.

So far as your house is concerned, that depends on the law in your state. If your spouse co-owns the house (regardless of whether their name is on the house legal papers), then no....you do NOT have the right to deny them the right to their own home.
If you are in a community property state (Arizona; California; Idaho; Louisiana; Nevada; New Mexico; Texas; Washington (state); Wisconsin), and you bought the home during your marriage, then your spouse is co-owner (regardless of what the paperwork may say). If your residence is a rental home or apartment, regardless of whether you live in a community property state or not, there are likely state laws which apply--and the answer is very probably "No, you do not have the right to do this."

If I were you, I would be worried about the sudden escalation of a trivial matter. This is not normal, most particularly if both of you are without concerns about possible personality disorders, etc.

I wish you all the best, and I hope you both will be able to find out what is "wrong," and then heal whatever that is so your futures will not continue to be threatened in any way.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/26/2020 02:24AM by Tevai.

OP wrote: "... neither of us really wants this. It's just at the moment, we are both tired and pissed off...." OP has answered her own question.

OTOH, if you really fear abandonment, do something about it. Put money aside for an emergency. Get closer to your own parents and family members, so you will have others to rely on, other than your spouse and his family. Stay close and protective of your children. Hire a lawyer, for the best advice. In case of abuse, do change the locks, and have the phone numbers handy of the police help centers, etc. Be very careful to not make your husband or wife so angry that they lose control. Know in advance where you could go and take the children in a hurry. I am a survivor (barely) of spousal abuse, and when you need to run away, you need to do it quickly, and go somewhere where you can't be found. Have someone ready to help take care of your children. Get a job. Get training, if you need to. I did all those things, and never had to see my thug of a husband again, though he pursued me for 3 harrowing months, until he got himself engaged to someone else. He didn't even wait the year until the divorce was final. He battered his second wife, and was put in jail several times for assault of various neighbors. What I'm saying is--there are worse things than abandonment.

I am afraid for you, unless you get prepared FIRST, then proceed from there. You will get through this thing, together or apart, but you will get through it. By 2022, you will be in a happier situation.

^ What Mother Who Knows said. If you are being abused, this is a whole different problem.

Wouldn't changing the lock help ensure you get abandoned?

If I owned the house (jointly or otherwise) and the locks got changed, there would be consequences.

I hope you can come to see that being alone is better than being in a relationship that ends up with you (and him) being vindictive over trivia. Let trivia go.

You are enough. I hope you can get yourself in a place where you are with someone because you want to be with them and not because you HAVE to be with them.

Good luck. I hope you are getting professional help if this is a pattern.

It seems like a number of side effects of being isolated in the Covid-ravaged world are psychological. When one’s physical health is compromised in any way, psychological health becomes much more fragile.

Give time a chance to smooth out the roughness of life’s path. Time is a great medication.

I've been quarantined with my partner since lockdowns began in March. Many times I have contemplated doing something dramatic, like leave him without a word. Then, I calmed down and realized what you said you already know:

"Neither of us really wants this..."

Breathe deeply, and give it time.

A former daughter of mine did just that and evicted me from a house I was promised for living out my life

I am sorry, desertrat.

Desertrat, I hope this wasn't your most recent situation?

(Reply to the OP below. It got misplaced!)

No, don't change the locks. That would be an overreaction.

But when your spouse comes back, you both need to figure out how to work through this. First, do a deep dive into why you are both tired and pissed off. Then at some point address the abandonment issue. It that's a huge trigger for you, your spouse should not be walking out. Spending the night on the sofa or in the guest bedroom, sure. Walking out, no.

But first, give yourselves some time to cool off. Maybe a planned "vacation" from each other might help. Is there family that either one of you could visit? IMO all spouses need a break from each other every now and then.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/26/2020 05:51PM by summer.

summer Wrote:
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> Desertrat, I hope this wasn't your most recent
> situation
this happened a year ago

I'm sorry that happened. I'm glad your living situation is secure.

Good advice above. Also, if still not feeling well, as you mentioned, can you get yourself checked out? If there's any physical or mental issue to be addressed it may really help with your outlook if you get it attended to, if possible.

I agree with the advice to take it slow (unless in physical danger, as Mother Who Knows, covered so well above).

AS we head into winter this household tension for many families is going to escalate I'm afraid. I wish I knew the answers, maybe zoom therapists/shrinks could provide social interaction help. This is a great time for everyone to practice and develop their interpersonal skills.

I hope things have evened out and today is a better day :)

Reg: No, don't change the locks. That would be an overreaction.

But when your spouse comes back, you both need to figure out how to work through this. First, do a deep dive into why you are both tired and pissed off. Then at some point address the abandonment issue. It that's a huge trigger for you, your spouse should not be walking out. Spending the night on the sofa or in the guest bedroom, sure. Walking out, no.

But first, give yourselves some time to cool off. Maybe a planned "vacation" from each other might help. Is there family that either one of you could visit? IMO all spouses need a break from each other every now and then.
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I'm so proud to be part of yous-all, who are willing to treed difficult waters in order to try and help others with serious problems. :)