Two pieces of twine walk into a bar for a drink. The bartender promptly throws them out saying, "We don't serve your kind in here!"
The two pieces of string didn't know what to do. Suddenly, one of them gets an idea: He contorts himself into a double bowline, pulls at himself until he is covered in loose fibers and then he marches back into the bar.
The bartender peers down at him and says, "Hey, aren't you that piece of string I just threw out?"
When Hydrogen U played Oxygen Tech, The game had just begun. Hydrogen scored the first 2 points, And Oxygen still had none. Then Oxygen scored a single point, And thus it did remain: Hydrogen 2, Oxygen 1... Called because of rain.
A young lady was gardening one spring, but was having trouble getting her tomatoes to turn red. Try as she might, her tomatoes wouldn't turn red. She noticed her neighbors tomatoes were bright red, and so she asked him how he was able to do that.
He said that every day, he comes out to his garden and flashes his tomatoes, he thought they must be blushing, so that is why they turned red.
The young lady thought that might work for her, so she started coming to her garden in a trench coat, and flashed her garden. She kept this up for about two weeks. One day her neighbor asked her how her tomatoes were doing. Were they turning red yet?
She told him "My tomatoes haven't started to turn red yet, but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
Did you hear about the guy who decided to start taking Viagra? When he tried to swallow the first pill, however, it got stuck in his throat...and he has had a stiff neck ever since.
He decides there must be a story there behind the peg leg, eye patch, and hook for an arm so he asks permission to interview. The pirate says "ARRRRight"
When asked how he got the peg leg the pirate says his ship was dropping anchor and his leg was caught in the chain, but that the peg is working out very well for him.
"Wow," says the reporter, "what happenned to your arm?"
The pirate says he had been out swash buckling with the guys and it was caught in the cross fire, but now he can even grip a sword with the hook.
"What about your eye?" Asks the reporter.
The pirate says, "I looked to the sky one day and a seagull committed an indiscretion in my eye."
"And that blinded you?" asks the somewhat incredulous reporter.
"No," says the pirate, "but I had only had the hook for a little while at the time."
I was in Baskin Robbins the other day, waiting in line, when a beautiful, gorgeous, sexy woman asked me for my number. I was flustered, so I awkwardly obliged.
I instantly realized what a dumb thing I'd done. She got her ice cream before I did, and I had to pull another number.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son,how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
A minister, a rabbi, and a Mormon bishop go on a pleasure cruise with their wives and are tragically drowned in a terrible storm.
The minister and his wife are at the gates of Heaven and Gabriel says to them, "You are obsessed with alcohol. You eat, drink, and sleep alcohol! Why, you even married a woman named Brandy!" So they get sent to hell.
The Rabbi and his wife walk up and Gabriel says, "You are obsessed with money. You think of nothing but money! Why, you even married a woman named Penny!" So they get sent to hell.
The bishop looks at his wife, sighs, and says, "I guess we better go, Fanny."
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/04/2011 08:46PM by itzpapalotl.
Have you ever heard of those cool international porta potties? When you go in, you're a Russian, when you're in there, European, and when you come out, your Finnish!
A man watching the big game on TV was bothered by all the flies that joined him in his living room. So he got busy with a rolled up newspaper and swatted a bunch.
His wife asked him "Did you get the flies?"
"Yes" he said, "I got four males and three females."