Remember exmo poster Somelady?

We used to go hiking, shopping, and have lunches together when she lived near me. She was grateful to RfM for the courage and information she needed to resign with her husband and children.

After receiving her final letter from Greg Dodge, her family continued to be lovebombed off and on. This was a very nice attractive family, but they were not related to GAs and did not present an unusually distinctive image.

Near Christmas an anonymous gifter left Mormon scriptures, greetings, and a figurine of praying hands on their porch. My friend took these unwanted items to the wardhouse and left them at the front door. She also reminded the bish that the family wanted no further contact as they were no longer mormons.

Then her middle school daughter was lovebombed at school. The mormon kids who had barely spoken to her before, suddenly wanted to be her best friend, eat lunch with her, invite her to their homes, and in particular they insisted that she needed to go to their ice cream social.

The girl was drawn in and thought they actually wanted and needed her as a close friend. The mom gave her own ice cream party and other friends but no mormons showed up.

Even after reminding officials not to contact them, the YW's leader and several others continued to drop off little gifts and notes addressed to the girl. One day alone she received three or four. No one asked permission from the parents. Everything was addressed directly to the minor child.

Then the high school son won a major award with a nice writeup in the newspaper.

Letters referring to this poured in from mormons with congratulations and pressure to return to church. One note with veiled threats about evil and salvation came from the bish who had been told about no contact. The mom intercepted and confiscated the letters.

She posted about this on RfM and was called an attention seeking liar. Since most exmos have no contact after resignation, posters assumed she must not be telling the truth. They kept telling her that she was mistaken and only "thought" the resignation had been finalized. They said her husband must still be on the books and came up with other excuses for why the mormons mistreated the family. She felt hurt by the RfM community she had once trusted and appreciated.

She had been a bright vital RfM contributor, but this episode somewhat curbed her desire to be a part of a community which took the side of TBMs over her in a time of emotional need.

It's good that resignation solves the unwanted contact problem for many exmos. However, if some continue to have harassment problems after they leave, I'd encourage posters to be helpful and supportive of them or at least not demean and heckle them for not being as lucky as most stereotypical former members.

No contact means NO contact, no churchy gifts, no official visits, no gushy phone calls, no emails, no church invitations, no church generated greeting cards, and no praying hands figurines left on the porch.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/04/2011 11:24AM by Cheryl.

post here. Despite the fact that he is a patient and loving person, he was ripped to shreds by RfMers. So I can sympathize with your friend, Somelady.

About those fake friendships, we have all had them. I remember when the SP came up to me welcoming me back to church. A few of the ladies saw this and completed the welcoming party by coming up to me at church. Later, the SP said, "Did you see all of the people that came up to you to say, "hello?!" They never cared sh*t about me before. They didn't care sh*t about me after he left the building. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at his comment. I did both.

Cheryl, I used to be a regular poster. Now I lurk off and on several times a day, but rarely post. Like your friend, I had one too many posts where I was seeking support and was blasted instead. Someone asked last week what traits exams hold onto from Mormonism. I think that far too many Rfmers have hung onto judgementalism. If I wanted to be judged for everything I say and do, I'd return to mormOnism.

The support I get from this site now is mOstly passive. I lurk here every day and read most of the posts. Many stories parallel my own, and I find support in that. But I have been here fhave been here fOr over ten years, so I don't need the same level of support that comes with being able to post and get feedback from others. I've noticed that the past several years we've had posters that are vicious and downright degrading in their responses. Remember when Theo (a poster of long ago) was considered excessive? His posts would be tame in today's rfm world. (and Theo, if you're lurking, I always loved your posts,even when I disagreed with you!).

Then again, I Often wonder if our whole society is becoming hateful, and Rfmers are just a reflection of the larger community.

Either way, I just wish peoPle here would be nicer, especially to those who are pointedly asking for support.

Thanks for sharing. Your posts are always insightful,and over the years I've found you to be one of the nicest and most supportive people on the board.

THANK YOU CHERYL.

This happens on this board way too often.

Sorry about the typos above. I'm posting from my iPhone and I'm still in bed.

Who were the idiots who called her a liar? Is that why she doesn't she post here anymore?

Then again, I Often wonder if our whole society is becoming hateful, and Rfmers are just a reflection of the larger community.

it could be....but i hope it aint.... it may be that there are just more posters....and so there is bound to be more posters that act like there isnt another person on the "other end"..... i wish people would speak as if they were in a person to person conversation..ya know face to face....there would be less confrontaion i believe!.
just sayin!

I am sorry that this happens - some folks are just plain rude. It must be the medium of posting on bulletin boards. I have noticed this too on financial and other boards. There is a social acceptance of rudeness that seems to be becoming more prevalent. We could delete all posts that perceived to be nasty and we do some. We get tons of hate mail already when we delete stuff and folks claim we are violating their free speech rights. Finding the right balance is impossible. With our limited resources and time we are doing our best.

Perhaps a header reminder of "Please be Kind".

I've seen how much more they have taken on over time and I'm most appreciative.

It's impossible to balance freedom of expression with civility sometimes and sometimes it's impossible to weed out every problem.

Just hoping we as posters will try to monitor ourselves whenever possible.

hey none of us are perfect..... I hope you are having a great
4th in them thar hills!! its gotta be Beauty up there this time of year!!
and you get hate mail for the deletions of threads???
You could run this board like a dictator..... but ya dont!! i think that is a "testiment" to your kindness and generosity! (and intelligence)!!
Thanks for all y"all do!! (just haddta throw in the y'all!!) :)

so, "harrassment" and mormonism just go together, huh?? in sync. I was never a mormon and just because I showed "some" interest, I almost didn't get left alone. so you never really leave, huh?(that's if you join)

I first came here to get information when my son was in Jr. High. I was raised in the church but didn't ever pay attention. At an early age even before baptism I knew it wasn't for me and stopped attending at 15(thanks dad for not pushing). I wanted to arm him with the facts in case some girl tried to lure him in.
I noticed right off the attacks from time to time. Didnt bother me as I wasn't fragile or trying to get out.

I can imagine that could really send people running. But if you stick around long enough you find out who to ignore if you don't like that kind of stuff. Just like you can ignore the apologists type.

I imagine each person's experience with the church is different. But I believe each person's account.
When I let the neighbors daughter stay here several years back for a while due to family issues I saw a total quest from the members around here to make sure she wasn't sinning.
My guess is the parents instigated it. Never had so many ward members. I let them have my living room and went about my business. the guy that was bishop later apologized to me for all the drama. He himself never came to my house. But he is one of those "good" people no matter where he chooses to worship. If I hadn't witnessed it I would not ever believe people could get that worked up over something.

I was taught to be kind and helpful to people when they are down but also to at some point start working on a solution. So that is my approach. And my father taught me to never judge others until I am perfect. That's not ever going to happen so no judging was the message I took from that. He said you never know what someone is walking around with.

It's fortunate that most exmos get little to no church harassment, but it's evident that in a few wards and stakes, that's not the case (for instance, yours, Cheryl.) Maybe the church members in such wards don't get the resigination concept. I'm wondering if going up the chain of command (I guess that would be the area member of the 70, Greg Dodge's office, etc.,) with a complaint about continued harassment would be helpful. But of course at some point one would have to consider a restraining order, lawyer's letter, etc.

I'm always sorry to hear when board members here don't feel supported. I try to do my bit even though I'm a nevermo. Eric, I'm sorry that you get grief over your decisions (which I think are entirely reasonable.) I know that being a board mod is a thankless task. You and Susan I/S are doing a real service, and I know that it is appreciated.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/04/2011 12:34PM by summer.

Since I have a real aversion to mormon strangers showing up unannounced, DH and I have complained and finally issued legal threats which we followedup on. These went to leaders of two local wards, the SP, the MP, several grassroots "assigned friends" types, and Greg Dodge.

The police have called the bish, the SP, and the MP and sent them letters telling them to keep official mormons away from our property. And the chief sent a black and white car with an officer to explain all of this to the bish. Since then, I hosed the mishies who taunted me and refused to leave as ordered.

Mormons can be like ooblek, the green slime in the old children's book, I think by Dr. Seuss.

I'm well past caring about their feelings or sensibilities and will hose first, ask questions later. Since it never occurs to me to curse or flip anyone off. I'd never think to do it and it would feel strange and out of character.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/04/2011 06:37PM by Cheryl.

Yep I noticed some mormon traits here also.

1. I'm BIC so therefore only those born in the church have been in morally repressive, mean spirited, brainwashing, what will the neighbors think upbringing!
Wrong! I was raised Methodist, but was a perfect 'golden contact' because my 'raising' was no different than most BICs!

2. When I have posted the bizarre behavior of former Bishops here I got a "well that sounds made up, and I can't believe it" response from a well established board member. So my word wasn't good enough.... not from their frame of reference. They'd been a very valuable and firmly established member of their ward before they read their way out of the church when researching a sunday school lesson. They had never been petty and nasty to members and they couldn't believe their fellow mormons could stoop to the abuse that some of us have suffered. (I guess when you're part of the 'in' crowd at church you don't realize there is an 'out' crowd and how they are treated behind your back.)

3. I notice that sometimes there is a fear of even looking at anomalies or investigating odd things that are happening in our society. Someone who alludes to possible hypocrisy of government leaders is immediately flamed as a wacko 'conspiracy theorist'. They are never given the credibility that maybe they have seen their local government cover up things. I guess once you leave Mormonism you have so much on your plate to sort out from your TSCC society betraying you, you don't want to know some of the other things in your 'outside the church' world that are out of whack too. After all the TSCC teaches you that you can't handle the outside world and to stay inside the womb.

4. I have lived within sixty miles of the Area 51. And yes, I do know a lot that I will not post.
I have read Dr. Quiggley's "Tragedy and Hope" that Skousen (the cursed and flamed) reviewed in one of his books. That prompted me to get Dr. Quigglys book. And I have watched much of what he wrote unfold over the years. But God help anyone point out even the smallest bit of it here!!!

I'm not a person who wants to bunker down in them thar hills with my food storage and guns...... but being aware of your surroundings is helpful to avoid problems.

I hated how the board chased off a poster a few years ago because he'd give well documented posts on some of societies ills here and he was flamed without mercy. I miss him very much.
He was right and the flaming posters were behaving like TBMs with their fingers in their ears sing la, la, la and flaming him at every turn. They couldn't leave him be with a polite "I don't agree".
So that part of being a Mormon is still here.

Nice post observer! Forget what some of the people on here don't believe. Forgive them because their brains are probably in the process of re wiring itself.

Hey! post some stuff on here about area 51!! I would love to hear it. I was only in the church for a few months and just from that short period of time...nothing will shock me. Make a thread on here and post some of the things you know. It is the only way to truly expose this circus.

Kind of sad that people would not believe the bizarre antics of a bishop! haha I would be more prone to not believe stores about bishops being normal.

I think that some of the exmormons would be more inclined to flame people online due to the fact that they have been oppressed for so long. Flaming people in a forum is probably a huge liberating experience for some. NO reason to flame anyone on here.

I'm sorry that happened.
How is Somelady and her family doing? I wish them well.
Susan

It will take a bit of bravery to say this, but I have seen what nolongerin has too. I have been lurking for almost 3 months and worked up the courage to post a few times, which went well - I got replies and was enjoying the interaction. But I said in one post that I can't condone some choices in life some/many RfM people are making, but that we can agree to disagree and there's no problem with that. Since then I've had no interactions at all and I see that some posts get mean-spirited, use really vulgar language, refer to really inappropriate things, and so forth. Just because we're leaving Mormonism (and couldn't be happier about it!) doesn't mean, for many of us, that we're turning into different people. I respect those on here who are gay and live that lifestyle, but I never will. Same goes for much drinking, etc. I actually tried coffee (and then aired out my house frantically in case the bishop stopped by!) and am taking off the g's when I can (bit of a story - I can't "out" myself just yet, but it will be soon), and I'm doing a TON of reading and research about the whole issue so I'm educated and informed. But, I'm still fundamentally "me" and I still love and appreciate solid support, clean language, uplifting threads, and a lack of descent into discussions about sex with dogs or wishing the G.A.'s would drop dead.

I don't know - maybe it's just me. I LOVE these boards and have found, to my great surprise, that I NEED these boards. Between them and all the books and other materials I've collected, read, and am reading I have learned more than I ever imagined. It has been a stunning journey, and one I waited WAY too long to take, but I'm so glad for it now - I just can't tell you!! So, I will continue to try to support others on here, provide uplifting comments, solid friendship (as much as one can on an online board, I guess!), and watch for those who are in need at a particular time. I too have found specific people whose posts I especially love and appreciate - I'd love to become that kind of person for others. I'm extremely introverted (obviously - see my name), but I interact well online. These boards have been a lifeline for me, truly. I feel terrible that Somelady didn't have a good experience and I so wish she would come back! We are here for her - please let her know that!

Cheryl, thank you for telling this story.

I also want to commend you for hosing those fucked-up mishies way back when. You're a great example of courage to me.

I worked a chamber of commerce booth at the fireworks tonight.

Can you believe my co-worker was an ex-mormon who left twenty-five years ago...."when I became a Christian" she said.

I loved telling her in a nutshell what all of the WONDERFUL people here taught me after I'd decided to leave.

Even with the flaming (not often thank goodness!)
the positives far outweigh the negatives.

I could share that there were seven versions of the first vision, JS marriages to over nine ladies ages 14 to 19 within six months ("pervert" she said), marriages to women who were already married whose nosy husbands got sent out of the country on missions and came back to 'miracle' babies (JS child) and what I found in the original BOM which I have a copy of!!!

She was glad to hear how many people are leaving monthly.

So thank you everyone.

I think "Ward Stalking Coordinator" is an official calling these days

Although some exmos never see or hear from mormons after resignation, there are many exceptions and it can be unnerving.

if true and I have no reason to believe it is not is the very kind of case that would probably be a successful lawsuit. I would love an opportunity to sue to Morg but it would take facts like these to have even half a chance. As for feeling beat up on RfM, I am always amazed at how hurt people can be by anonymous posters on a bulletin board. I don't get it.