Posted by:
Done & Done
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Date: March 19, 2021 10:08AM
You are the joke not me. Stopping premature conclusions will help stop that.
I did not know what Tao was when I left
I did not know a single anti Mormon fact when I left. So glad you had the facts, logic, and reason. That was not my route.
I was a recent RM at BYU when it happened. I had a testimony. I believed to the nth degree. This is how it happened which I consider very Tao as that comes down to connection and intuition.
Pearls before swine:
BYU was so long ago, and I don’t remember the chronological order of everything, but the last time I went to church, I was uncharacteristically late but still characteristically hypnotically following the normal Sunday routine: I got up, got ready, drove to the white-brick church building of my student ward, and very quietly entered the back doors of the chapel just as the bishop at the pulpit said, “I would be remiss in my duties if I didn’t stand before you this day and bear unto you my solemn testimony that...” and suddenly, as he went on, the words turned to some kind of mush, and just as suddenly, hearing that phrase again was like reading the phone book—over and over. How many times can you listen to that before you realize it is the Mormon equivalent of every banality, every conceit known to man. They dress this “testimony” of theirs up with the word remiss and then bask in their self-supposed sophistication. and, worse, this rarely used word they were so proud of, remiss, would invari- ably herald the voice change—the unleashing of the testimony voice: the unbearably sweet, treacly sincere “Aren’t I in touch with the spirit” testimony voice coming out of grown men.
I took a long, sweeping look around the meeting hall and had no choice but to leave. a force far greater than the word remiss would have been required to keep me there that day. I can’t even really describe the state of mind. I just could. not. be. There. anymore. And I could not explain to myself why—even if I had had at my disposal in that moment a team of psychologists led by Dr. Joyce brothers herself. I was just blank.
The service had started. as I stood there like an animal that had been darted and lost all use of physical functions except for the eyes, I surveyed everything in view as if I were seeing it for the first time—the wooden pews, the Navajo-white cinderblock walls with the oak-stained wooden beams, the all-purpose blue carpet, the white-shirted and dark-tied bishop and his counselors on the podium, and some anemic, potted yellow chrysanthemum next to the microphone. The bishop had just finished his remarks as the organist began, and the chorister was poised, right hand in the air like Queen elizabeth executing her regal wave, to lead the singing of the Joseph smith–worshipping hymn that was just being announced: “Praise to the Man.”
As the prelude to the song began, my eyes glazed over as if they were confusing their purpose with the duties already assigned to my ears. Like snow on a malfunctioning television, I had never felt so much noThInG in my life. This disconnect wasn’t to do with being gay. I didn’t feel unworthy to be there, and I didn’t feel negativity toward the people there, nor disgust, nor revulsion, nor deception. I just felt nothing. nothing. In this temporary mental paralysis, I walked out the door and never went back. I did not know why. I do think it was the beginning of thinking for myself, my subconscious mind having had enough of being told
That day my mind cleared itself, hit the reset button. That I know now, although I did not know it at the time. driving away, I do remember feeling a very low-key but uncommon relief—a very simple peace—at first.
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I found myself that day. I found my connection to the world. I had me. You call it anything you want to. I don't really need a title for the experience. It was more than a fancy word, what happened.
Dear Salviati--your rejection of that being Tao doesn't mean the sightest to me. Good Day "El sabe lo todo."