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Posted by: rutabaga ( )
Date: March 31, 2021 04:38PM

I'm surfacing momentarily to offer this oldy-goldy from 100Proof

-- For Young Women Only -- Your Body, Your Garage by 100Proof

A speech given by Apostate Hunerd Proof at the RfM Young Womens Conference on February 3, 1999

My dear special sweet young spirits, I wish to address a topic that is very sacred and dear to the Lord.

The Lord has blessed us with special bodies. Our bodies are like a house. We have many different rooms for many different purposes. Dear girls, the Lord has instructed us on the proper use and purpose for all our rooms.

This morning, I would like to talk about your garage.

As you mature, you will find new vines growing around your garage. You may discover an urge to raise the garage door and explore the opening. Satan will tempt you to fiddle with the automatic opener button, causing the door to rise and fall again and again. Resist Satan's temptations, for he simply likes to watch.

My dear sweet special things, the Lord has asked you to keep your garage closed until you have chosen a car for time and all eternity. Keep your garage empty until you've found that one special car to join you in the Celestial parking lot. Resist the urge to put your own bicycle in your garage. Do not allow foreign tools into your garage. Keep the door locked, for that is what our Heavenly Housebuilder has requested.

And if you find the temptation is too much, I have a suggestion for you. Turn your thoughts to construction sites, to messy bulldozers and cranes. Think of the noise and the mud and exhaust fumes. Imagine all the dirty grease these monsters drip. Are these the things you want in your garage?

You may find young men eager to park their cars in your garage. Young men like to brag about their cars. They like to show you their cars and let you feel the finish. They may even ask that you help them wax their cars, and then they'll insist that the wax job be followed by overnight parking in your garage. Dear ladies, do not be deceived by the shine. Encourage young men to park on the street, to wax in their own driveway if they must, for your garage is to remain unsoiled. Young men need to drain their crankcase once in a while. Do not allow them to drain in your garage, for they will leave a mess behind for you to clean.

Occasionally, young men drive cars that are loud and have strong engines. These cars are sports cars and are most dangerous. You should never let one into your driveway, for the Lord has asked that you marry a family sedan or a minivan. If you see a sports car in your neighborhood, you should schedule a visit with your Bishop. Your Bishop knows your neighborhood well and can instruct all young men on proper parking and driving.

When you find the one automobile that is right for you, and you both have been sealed in the showroom, allow him to park. He may need assistance parking his sedan the first few times, for if he has followed the maintenance schedule, he will be due for an overhaul. Keep your garage attractive and free of other cars. Trim the vines, and scrub the door.

Yours is only a one car garage, and he is your eternal car.

©1999 Playelder Magazine

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Posted by: Lot's Wife ( )
Date: March 31, 2021 05:05PM

Genius it was, genius it remains.

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: March 31, 2021 05:09PM

Vroom, vroom!

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Posted by: moremany ( )
Date: March 31, 2021 06:09PM


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Posted by: heartbroken ( )
Date: April 01, 2021 11:24AM

For years I had a pristine garage. All the nice cars wanted to park there: a Mercedes, a Ferrari, and a BMW. Although I was very eager for them to enter my garage I remained strong and kept them out. I was told they weren't good enough for my pristine garage because they didn't have priesthood powers. I was told to hold out for a minivan. I didn't like minivans.

Time past by... I kept my door closed for the luxury cars most of my life and now they weren't as eager to enter my garage as they were before. I was afraid my garage would remain pristine but empty so I lowered my standards and raised my door for a used broken down Ford.

I longingly remembered all the shiny luxury cars with leather upholstery I kept out of my garage just to end up with a broken down rusted car that smelled and leaked oil. I asked myself, "why?"

I eventually kicked out the rusted used car and once again had an empty garage. I was told it could never again be clean no matter how much I scrubbed it. Fine with me.

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Posted by: cl2 ( )
Date: April 01, 2021 11:41AM

I've heard that one before. Cringe worthy.

Same for me, heartbroken. I dated many nonmormons who I met at work. They knew I was never going to have sex with them. And we all know who parked their car in my garage. I just realized recently--believe it or not--that he never saw me as a romantic partner in any fashion. I can't believe it took me all this time to figure that one out.

Well, the BMW came back.

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Posted by: heartbroken ( )
Date: April 01, 2021 11:53AM

I'm so glad your BMW returned. Mine is long gone. It found another garage and now has mini coopers.

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