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Posted by: Cold-Dodger ( )
Date: April 01, 2021 12:26AM

In the beginning, God said, "Let P = ±√[ (+s)² + (-s)² + (is)² + (-is)²] = 0"

Then God said, "Furthermore, let G = L^3/MT^2, C = L/T, and h = ML^2/T."

And behold, the universe which was a singularity at the time interval of zero (probably) suddenly expanded, and kept expanding, and behold, simple matter bubbled into existence from the vacuum of space-time itself, which in no time at all formed Hydrogen in abundance.

And it came to pass that God pulled up a lawn chair and put on his shades, for the gamma rays during this period of time were intense and lo, all was exceedingly hot with energy, and he kicked back and sipped a margarita and didn't have to do shit for billions of years.

For behold, the laws of physics, which were set from the start and consistent throughout the universe, not only allowed for creation to happen without a helmsman micromanaging every little thing, but made it inevitable that things would happen whether or not God woke up from his nap to manipulate it.

It came to pass that stars formed from immense clouds of hydrogen, because gravity.

And it came to pass that more complex elements were formed in the heart of these stars, because fusion.

And it came to pass that these stars tend to explode as they get close to exhausting the hydrogen in their cores, spilling their guts back into space for the laws of physics to recycle into smaller stars with systems of rocky planets made from the more complex elements leftover from the first generation of stars.

And the Lord saw that creation was doing its thing all on its own without his intervention, so he drank 12 beers, got high, and passed out on his lawn chair for nine billion years.

And it came to pass that the Lord woke up, and he beheld a mid-sequence star was like so many billions of others in a galaxy like so many trillions of other galaxies had a planet with parameters meeting the Lord's requirements for his plan of salvation, and he saw that it was good.

And Thus we see that with so many stars forming in so many different galaxies, the probability that at least one of them would meet the expectations of the Lord was guaranteed, and lo there were many others that would have also sufficed also.

And God made to rise from his lawn chair, but collapsed thereon because his divine will was like my uncle Larry who lives with his mom at the age of 45, and he waved his almighty hand in dismissal and went back to sleep for another four billion years.

And it came to pass that when God awoke, he saw that big terrible lizards of many kinds roamed the planet he had intended to give to mammals, so behold he intervened only once since the Big Bang and hurled a big f***ing rock at it, knowing that mammals would rise in the ashes.

And it came to pass that God took a shit in Signas A and watched as it swirled around the supermassive blackhole and erupt into the most powerful gamma ray bursts seen since the beginning, and God was pleased.

And it came to pass that God returned to earth, and he beheld that mammals were on the rise and also that earth had recovered.

And it came to pass that God chose an omnivorous lineage of apes, and behold he raised the isthmus of Panama to change ocean currents, which changed global weather patterns, which unfavored the trees in which the ancestors of humans called home, and behold the apes in no many generations learned how to walk upright and eventually run on the African Savannah to chase prey.

And behold, they learned to hunt in packs, and as they ate meat, selection pressures were thus that their brains got bigger and bigger, and they lost most of their fur to avoid overheating and learned to sweat to regulate their body temperature.

And it came to pass that God remapped their brains, sacrificing a large part of their short term memory in order to teach them how to use and comprehend language.

And behold, there were many species of hominid in those days, but God only needed one, so he let them squabble over resources and territory and sexual access to females until only the most violent and ruthless was left standing, and God was amused.

And this new species was good to go and as ready to be communicated with by deity as they ever would be for perhaps three hundred thousand years, and God held his baited breath trying not to laugh as these thinking talking monkeys used their higher brain functions to wonder why suffering and death were things.

And then God finally picked one, maybe, and he took the man and plugged him into a Matrix simulation which may have been in Missouri but was more probably in Mesopotamia somewhere, and lo in this simulation the man opened his eyes and perceived himself to be in an immortal paradise devoid of suffering and death.

And behold, the rules didn't matter anymore after this point, because it was a computer simulation where anything went, so bla bla bla, woman made from a rib (really just another kidnapped human plugged into the matrix), talking snake, fruit, sin, God was angry, and he yanked them out of the simulation and told them the world outside of the simulation was the consequence of their actions, because God was bored for 13.799998 billion years and had a really bad attitude.

And thus ended the set up for the beginning of the Bible, which God said took only six days and ended on the seventh, for behold, God was a prick.

For verily verily I say unto you, God had all knowledge about how the universe really worked and withheld it from the humans he tormented, and because there are seven wandering lights, or celestial bodies, in the firmament of the heavens apparent to humans (yea the sun, the moon, mercury, Venus, mars, Jupiter, and Saturn), thus seven can be argued to be a magical number to all the humans who were superstitious and kinda stupid back then, so God told them to take every seventh day to drop what they were doing and to kiss his ass instead.

Thus were the heavens and the earth complete, and God contemplated the many ways that he would fuck with his new toys, I mean children's, minds for the next six thousand years or so until finally squashing them with nuclear fire or with ecological collapse or something else entirely avoidable down the road. In other words, God would not need to do anything, he merely needed his acolytes to make the stupidest decisions possible on dire issues affecting all of humanity out of religiously-enforced ignorance and blind piety and resist all forms of reason and correction as one would resist Satan, and thus the end would come one way or another on schedule.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/01/2021 01:02AM by Tevai.

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Posted by: Cold-Dodger ( )
Date: April 01, 2021 12:32AM

Being atheist in and of itself doesn't make me feel like nothing matters; arguing with the faithful makes me feel like nothing matters.

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Posted by: Chicken N. Backpacks ( )
Date: April 01, 2021 01:34AM

Did they edit out the part where the Battlestar Galactica survivors interbred with the locals?

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Posted by: paisley70 ( )
Date: April 01, 2021 10:04AM

Nice work. I'm very impressed. There are so many things referenced here for those that know what you're talking about in every detail. Of course, more could be added, but for the sake of brevity, you nailed it! 125.6 GeV.

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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: April 01, 2021 10:12AM


Only thing that could make it better would be George Carlin's voice. Or even Ricky Gervais.

Bless you my child.

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Posted by: thedesertrat1 ( )
Date: April 01, 2021 11:11AM

MY MY MY there is a lot of passing here

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Posted by: Concrete Zipper ( )
Date: April 01, 2021 11:42AM

I need to rig the board to allow TeX equations. That would have made your post much more legible.

CZ (geeky admin)

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