Posted by:
Nightingale
(
)
Date: May 06, 2021 03:54PM
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have questioned use of the word 'tortured' in the OP.
I took it literally, as I tend to do with language, which is a frequent thinking glitch of mine.
I realize it's not up to me to characterize someone else's experience. I'm sorry I did that.
From the many accounts I've read here over the years it's readily apparent that growing up in a repressive religion can be exceedingly harmful, intensified if one's parents are especially observant, demanding and/or punitive. I remember stating years ago that a Mormon childhood, especially with excessively faithful parents, evokes the image of a treadmill in my mind. I said that Mormons can be 25 years old, with seminary and mission behind them and marriage and children already in place, before they may get a second to think. And then they feel trapped due to having felt compelled to follow the script laid out by the church and imposed on them by their parents.
A BIC poster who had shared the common story of growing up Mormon replied that it's exactly like that. A whirlwind that consumes a third of their lives before they can draw breath and think about what they really want or would choose if they had the chance. That struck me as profoundly sad and it still affects me the same way.
That doesn't even cover the damage that is done with "complications" such as wanting something different from the Mormon blueprint or {gasp} being gay, a group the Mormon hierarchy still shuns, yet say they love. That is mind-bending.
We all have challenges growing up, needless to say. Some win life's lottery by being born to cool parents. But for most, clashing with one's parents is a rite of passage. We are encompassed by a parent's dreams for us (which often don't match our own) and face their disappointment if our views and desires don't match with theirs. This is, obviously, greatly intensified if religious zealotry is in the mix and we don't buy in.
I was a quiet, shy, self-conscious child, even up into my 'teens. I had always wanted to be a nurse and knew the stories of all the famous nurses through the ages. My father asked "Why not be a doctor?" (indicating that a nurse is second best). His attitude hurt my tender heart and it was a point of contention between us. It felt to me that he didn't know me at all. That held true in many ways and yet I always considered us to be close. Still, there were stressors and fervent disagreements on many fronts. Dad was the champion swearer of all time, absolutely. And I never got used to it. His favourite emphatic statements hurt my ears often. When my marks in nursing school were only 5th in the class instead of 1st he would tell me to study harder, do better, instead of accepting, as I did, that there is always going to be somebody quicker, smarter, better at certain things. He was noisy and swear-y and always, always had the highest expectations of us kids. Completely the opposite of me. Sometimes I even wondered if he was really my father. Still, I thought we always had a good relationship, positive in many ways, and I felt close to him. We were good friends in my adult years with him. Despite conflicts, mostly due to his strong opinions and expectations, I would say we had a good childhood, great homes, vacation cabin in the woods (that I loved dearly), wonderful Christmases, lots of parties (with bagpiping friends!), multitudes of books (we had read all the classics before high school), trips overseas to visit relatives and plenty of family friends who were good to us. Even though he wasn't religiously observant he let my older sister and me go to church for a while with a neighbour who was a pastor. But there were no enforced religious beliefs from either of my parents. (Makes you wonder why I was so religiously inclined that I joined both the JWs and the Mormons before giving up on the concept of religious "truth").
However, despite all the positives, some of the childhood stuff strongly impacted me at the time and into adulthood, feelings of not being good enough, feeling shy and wounded and not understood. The latter can make you feel very alone. My older sister agrees this happened to her too, for different reasons.
This is why I can somewhat comprehend the misery that a fundamentalist style religious upbringing can impose on a person. If non-religious environments can still create challenges and long-lasting issues, even phobias, for many people, how much more so when you also add strict religious beliefs and practices.
Even a convert cannot truly comprehend what it is like to be born into such a belief system. I remember being shocked to learn that Mormon children have to go to seminary before regular school, often very early in the morning. A couple extra hours of sleep every day would do them more good. And to have to be so submerged in Mormonism. Every. Single. Day. And the weekend. And not just meetings but all the extras too. It's exhausting. And stultifying. I just never found Mormonism all that interesting. And that was when I only went on Sundays. Always waiting for some true inspiration or even just a profound thought. I really missed the sermons I was used to, even with the JWs, that were positive and often held at least one thought that was worth pondering.
There were my JW friends, two glamorous sisters, whose father committed suicide, a terrible sin in the JW world. I didn't know him but he was labelled "inactive" as he attended a few meetings here and there but didn't "witness" (going door to door or standing on corners with the magazines, activities that are expected of every member to be in good standing). I always wondered if the experience of even mild shunning he endured due to that is why he took his life.
I think of my Mormon convert friend, the one the missionaries lied to in order to get her into the font. What kind of religion teaches its missionaries to lie to convert I often wondered. And how did they silently impose their will on me so that I didn't tell her they were lying?
Yes, converts are hurt too. But how much more so can the religion insidiously and negatively affect BICs? BICs who endure the system, the treadmill, from birth. And for as long as they endure it until some finally leave. And the leaving hurts. Wrecks marriages, families, relationships. Tragedies from beginning to end.
I can see that. But mostly only as an outside observer. And from reading RfM for years. The family tales are often the most poignant. Mormonism is definitely one of those things you can leave but they may not leave you alone. And you may not ever get over the leaving of it. As a short term "convert" (I never considered that I really converted) I could walk out the church doors one day, cross the lawn, and shout Hallelujah as I made the instant decision to Just. Leave. And that was it. No further contact, no family complications. Thankfully I wouldn't think of marrying a Mormon so no worries on that front either.
But with BICs it can rarely ever be that quick and easy. And those are the stories we read about here. So many through the years. The hell of growing up Mormon (for so many people).
I feel for you all. And, again, I'm so sorry that I inadvertently may have minimized your pain by quibbling over a word choice. However, you want to describe it is what's important. I will try to keep Dictionary Nightingale under control. We're not dealing in strict definitions here but rather in accounts of real life stories and the pain and even agony of so many people born into a nightmare system that so negatively impacted their lives and the lives of those they love.
Elder Berry said "RIP FlattopSF".
Yes indeed. That one hurt mightily.
As many have said through the years, Mormonism and its leaders have a lot to answer for.