Date: July 02, 2021 02:56PM
Quick background: Have been in Utah all my life, born and raised in the Mormon church, baptized at 8, resigned at 18, now 32. Had one relationship at 21.
I have a TBM grandmother on my father's side and both TBM grandparents on my mother's. TBM grandmother has been through hell on earth with her late husband, so while she believes in the church she also knows everyone has their free agency and respects choices, loves everyone regardless of who they are. My grandparents, well, we'll get in to them in a bit.
I'm currently working on a Bachelors in IT full time and working full time. My previous job required us to go to the office even when COVID was in full swing. Back then I thought it was deplorable that they'd make us operate with the virus around, but in my current situation working from home I am realizing I need other people around. I'm a quiet introvert though, so I have issues in public and the only people who can tolerate me are immediate family.
Last January my father was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer. During Christmas we all just thought he was having his usual stomach aches. Fast forward to February, and he passes away. He was one of the only people on this planet who loved me, understood me, that I could converse with, and he's gone. Maybe it's better I am working from home now because the majority of time is spent trying to distract myself or crying. He was an amazing member of his education community and will be missed by a lot of people, leaving behind some big shoes to fill as well.
32, single, childless, no one to pass anything on to, I feel completely worthless. I've recently been having nights where I don't sleep until 4 AM, staring at my phone screen at the national prevention hotline number. I hear people make excuses for me all the time: "30 is the new 20" "You'll find someone" ... it's become more insulting than encouraging. Mormons push and push for you to make kids so young, living in Utah it seems that if you don't get married right at 18 you're done.
I'm obese and overweight. Believe me, I know this is part of the problem. I'm not the type of person who will say "Oh gee I don't know how this is happening" or blame my metabolism/thyroid/whatever. At one point I dropped 130 pounds and was the best version of myself. My grandmother on my mother's side, for all my life, was constantly nagging to the following:
0-18: "Go on a mission and get married in the temple, go on a mission and get married in the temple, repeat"
19-27: "Wow, you are fat. Do you know how fat you are? I just need to make sure you know how fat you are."
28-30: "Oh, you aren't fat anymore. Why aren't you married yet? When are you getting married?"
31-32: "Hey you are fat again. You still aren't married as well and you live alone. Just need to make sure I remind you of this every time we meet."
When I was losing weight and active, at first I had a good headspace about it. As the weight came off and the constant "Why aren't you married" questions kept happening, something ticked and I threw myself in the dating pool unready. I failed in all fields and failed spectacularly, and almost came home one day from work with a suicide plan ready for action until I forced myself to drive to my doctors office and explain what was going on. The medication helped, but it zonked me out of whatever progress I was making and here we are again.
After dad died I just couldn't take this shit anymore, I sent her a text letting her know that I may not be an active member but I know there are some good rules Jesus lived by like do unto others and love thy neighbor. I asked her directly if she thinks less of me because I didn't go on a mission and get married. Of course I never got a direct response back. Of course she had to go ask my fucking siblings, reading them the text and asking what they did to deserve this woe is me.
I can't get another job without up and moving away at this point, and my mother (who I do love and is in no way like her mother) needs all the support she can get right now. I'm stuck inside all day, and my free time is doing school work. Last time I saw grandma we didn't have much of a conversation because I shut down her main talking points, that I'm fat and work from home as a childless single 32 year old. When does anything get better? I'll get my degree which will open doors and make me the bad guy by moving away from my widowed mother. I've wanted out of Utah since I was 13 and I've failed that spectacularly. I'm really thinking it's time to just make a god damn exit plan on life already. I miss my dad.