My mother-in-law died suddenly just over two months ago. Beyond the grief of coping with her death, we now also have to gradually work through all my in-laws' belongings.

I don't discredit my mother-in-law's efforts after my father-in-law's death. He seemed to save everything, and she spent a lot of the last two years since his death trying to get rid of his personal items.


Besides the weeks we put in up there, we also brought back boxes of items nominally belonging to my husband. Last night, my husband and I spent the entire evening just working through two boxes of schoolwork that our respective parents had saved for us.

I get why our parents couldn't make decisions when we were little about what would be meaningful as we got older, but I know for sure it wasn't mimeographed exercises.


At my own parents' house, where my mother is still living, we've had to bring in dumpsters several times, and we will need to keep doing it in the months and years ahead.


Right now, I'm working on getting rid of not just our parents' stuff, but our own items. We don't have children, but I don't want either of us to have the burden of caring for all this stuff when the other has died. It's not right to either of us.


Anyway, I guess I am just now feeling the burden of material goods in a way I didn't when I was younger.

Tyson



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/24/2021 11:47AM by Tyson Dunn.

We tell all our retired friends, "Your children don't want your stuff"

Depends on your stuff.

As a musician, I have a rather large music equipment collection. About 30 guitars and guitar like instruments....acoustic, electric, banjos, mandolins, ukuleles, basses, sitars, tamburas, drum sets, PA gear, keyboards, recording gear, etc. as well a a nice collection of foreign and antique instruments I don't play with.

My son is a musician too. He gets all of it when I head to the great green room in the sky.

Same for my 85 piece antique camera collection.

So yeah, depends on what you clutter is I suppose :)

My own parents have some really beautiful things with strong ties to our family heritage such as a collection of silver spoons from Holland that have been passed down as well as delftware. Ilament that one member of the family tossed out yards and yards of Italian lace salvaged from my great-grandmother's trousseau.

I suppose if your family's taste runs in the vein of portraits-by-number-on-velvet of Elvis or cheap poorly-designed items from the dollar store you might not want to keep the lot.

I'm on the other side on this issue, but respect those that want to get rid of 'their' stuff. For me it's been constant fight cuz I collect everything and don't throw memorabilia away, but my family seems to enjoy rummaging through all NY stuff while I'm at work, I don't mind 8f people want to play with my stuff, but when it goes missing or gets moved I get irritatd, but any my condolences to your mother in law.

Society is changing: just go on Craigslist and notice how many are *giving away* pianos and beautiful furniture that's probably been in their family for many years. I have have several siblings and nieces and nephews, but still, after my parents died there's a bunches of stuff shoved into barns and sheds because they go to IKEA.
My family is going to have to deal with all my model railroad stuff and about 600 unbuilt plastic models I haven't built!

50 years ago when I worked in the piano & organ business, used pianos were desirable and there was an active market for them (except pre-1929 old uprights). Now, with many fewer children taking lessons, there's little-to-no demand for acoustic pianos except premium-make grands. Also, the digitals have gotten very good, and they don't need tuning, saving $100+ once a year or more. And if I had a "so-so" brand piano, and the tuner told me it needed hundreds of dollars of work, which is not uncommon, I'd ditch it in a New York second and buy a digital piano and fire the tuner, so to speak.

and I actually told my daughter I felt sorry for her as she'd have to go through all these decorations when I died. I gave a bunch to the DI and to one of my son's friends who wanted it, but I still have too much. I throw things out regularly. I have one box in my closet that has stuff from their school years that I would just lift the lid and put it in. I haven't been through the box, but there is just ONE box. I have one rubbermaid container of stuff for each of them. What my daughter saved is another story.

I thought of throwing out my journals. I have 2 I'd like them to see. I threw out my yearbooks. My husband has much more than I do. He has the garage to store things in. My boyfriend still has t-shirts from college and all his college books and notebooks. He has quite a large house and it is PACKED FULL.

My mother kept a lot, but my brother, who lives there, has found some gems that we are thrilled to have. I got my mom's cedar chest. I bought it from this brother (he is disabled) and I didn't want him to think I was taking it. I couldn't believe what I found in there. For one, my grandfather was in WWI and the flag that draped his coffin is in there. There are some of my cousins who would break into my house and take it if they knew I have it.

So there are some things that I believe we need to keep for our children. I am very picky about what I hang onto.

Let me know if you need help, I have a friend, "Louie the torch" that can help out.

Unfortunately, I have Louie booked for the next four years with an option on the fifth.

So much to burn, so little time. . .

Why do you have to “go thru everything “?. There are auction companies that will take it all and auction anything of value and send you a check.

bobofitz Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Why do you have to “go thru everything “?.
> There are auction companies that will take it all
> and auction anything of value and send you a
> check.

Because "value" is in personal perception.

With family memorabilia, economic value is often not an issue--it is the memories, and the emotional connection, between those who still live and those who "have gone before." (This phrase is from a very popular and well-known Jewish prayer/song: "Mi Shebeirach.")

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHKo3CjuzpY

EDITED TO ADD: In those old letters, postcards, Christmas cards, documents of one kind or another, personal notes to oneself or others, etc. there may also be information that, in the future, could be of great value to those concerned.

As someone who found out, decades after I became an adult, that my father (the father who raised me) was my biological uncle, and my uncle (my father's brother) was my biological father, I realize that all those old letters (etc.) may contain important information unobtainable elsewhere because people die. (I am, right now, the oldest person in either side of my family because everyone else who was once older than me has now died.)

I am not the only person who finds themself in this, or similar, situations (think: medical issues). Sometimes those old bits of paper may contain information that actually SHOULD have been saved.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/24/2021 04:23PM by Tevai.

That's beautiful, Tevai.

I'm familiar with the term 'those who have gone before' too.

It sounds a lot better than "died" or "dead", not so abrupt. Too, though, it holds meaning for those who believe in an afterlife.

We use it in my family, with love, to refer to all the prior generations, those we knew and those we didn't get a chance to meet.

Some Bible translations of Hebrews 1:1 use the words "those who have gone before" in place of "so great a cloud of witnesses".

Here's an example of the term 'those who have gone before' being used in an LDS article:

The writer says: "Those who have gone before us can still greatly bless our lives".

The article is about an uncle of his who was shot down with his plane in WWII.

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2015/02/young-adults/loving-those-who-have-gone-before-us?lang=eng



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/24/2021 05:25PM by Nightingale.

Thank you, Nightingale.

:)

Thank you Tevai and Nightingale for your thoughtful responses. My comment however was directed to the OP who expressed frustration with having to deal with all the treasures that were left behind. Everyone will place value on these personal items differently. They are obviously burdened with dealing with them and I was presenting a possible solution to their frustration. I see later where Tyson expresses a need to “go thru everything “ in case there are valuable certificates mixed in with the junk mail. Ok, sorry, I misinterpreted your original post.Best of luck in sorting everything out.

Sure, bobofitz. Your suggestion is a good one for many people. So is Ty's comment about clutter. But yeah, for many of us, the sentiment is a confounding factor. My mom's been gone for two years now and I still haven't dealt with most of her belongings, due to grief and inertia. I did manage to parcel out some of the furniture to siblings which is a lot easier for me than having to sell or discard it. I know it's irrational but I ended up even feeling sentimental about her luggage that she used to travel back and forth to England to visit the loved ones overseas. I did manage to part with that although it was a wrench. I knew it was silly to feel fond of luggage but couldn't help my response at first. Rational thinking finally won the battle when it came to belongings like that and a lot of her books too. The personal items are more difficult.

I also found some genealogy material I'd never seen before and that was amazing - my grandparents' birth certificates, birth names and places, etc. That's why I went through everything one piece at a time, with care, and I was amply rewarded with more family information than I had known before. Seeing birth certificates of my lovely grandparents somehow brought them closer to me, thinking of them as babies and their parents in that moment.

Different approaches are taken depending on our relationships and our own personalities. Now I know that the youngers don't want the antiques so it's up to me to deal with all that now while there's still time. I don't want someone's cherished items to end up in landfill so I'll pass them along or sell them.

But yeah, definitely, I'm going to do the clear out of myself so I don't leave much for my sibs to do. When I'm gone there won't be much at all for anyone to do to clear up after me. I'll just be a little whisper in the air if anybody ever thinks of me.

Beyond the obvious things like forgotten money and checks, there can be anything from stock certificates to birth certificates to personal letters and photographs, all mixed in with junk mail, old magazines, books, and so forth.

And yes, auction companies can evaluate what's valuable, but we have adult children who have sentimental attachment to their parents' items as well, not to mention their own items that they forgot or didn't know their parents still had.

Eventually, several things will probably go to estate sales, but we still have to do the first pass.

Tyson

    Or you can just store everything in the cloud!  That's what I'm doing...

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>     Or you can just store everything in the
> cloud!  That's what I'm doing...

One major solar flare away from losing it all.

I have been concerned about this too. We have tons of stuff I love. My kids are not interested in most of it. I keep thinking maybe my granddaughter might want things like china, crystal, antiques and heirlooms, but I'll be too old to deal with it by the time she grows up.

It turns out that all the things I thought were important aren't important to others.

In my mom's generation, all the aunts and uncles fought tooth and nail to get any of Grandma's stuff when she died. In my daughter's generation, no one seems to want to deal with it. They move around. They don't have room for stuff. They don't want grand pianos and needlepoint dining room sets. Times and lifestyles change.

    ...Laptops & Credit Cards...

Being a nomad I basically now live out of 2 suitcases and have a 5x5 storage unit for things I don't take with me. Its not fun to be beholden to clutter.

I am sorry about your MIL. I will text you now.

“… beholden to clutter.” Just read your phrase to DH. Goodwill, here we come !

Thank you, Alex71vl.

Past humans were masters of ready to hand tools. Modern humans are caretakers of their future tombs.

I've tried to downsize by doing something a little different.

When my kids/grandkids ask what I'd like for Christmas/Birthday, I just tell them, come over to the house and go thru the garage and take what they want.

Then take the rest of the stuff, have a garage sale and split the proceeds.

They haven't taken me seriously yet, but they'll figure it out when I'm gone.

Be careful about going through and sorting any kind of paperwork; if you have any doubts about keeping something, set it aside and keep it anyway.

My husband is a pack rat and I am the opposite; if anything has been laying around for more than 10 minutes, I throw it out.
Most of the time, I keep things that I think might of value, except for one time.

Shortly after my dad died, I was sorting through his papers and all that stuff. While looking through it all, I came across his insurance policy. It was dated 1958. Thinking that it was pretty old, and therefore useless, I tossed it out. Whoops!

Did you in fact reach out to them? I have an old pension of my father's that I still haven't been able to find anyone to take responsibility for, and this despite going through Federal resources and successor companies.

Tyson

Huge amounts of junk in my farm house got trashed, lie 1920s,1930s teen novels. "Maggie's Summer Camp ADventure," anybody?

Plus baseball cards. Anybody wants several pounds of them, ask CZ for my contact info. I'm still hoping to find the Lindberg kidnapping ransom.

Everyone should move every five years and pay movers to move. That’ll be a come to Jesus moment on how valuable all the junk in various crannies of house is really worth.

Nearly all of what you might save from your parents or grandparents just postpones it’s final ditching by one more generation. How much of your ggparent’s stuff do you have?

That's why I dislike OWNING stuff, sometimes.

Stuff to maintain, clean, fix...
Insure, protect, show off, guard...
Update, replace, lock up, donate...

I think others should own them... or come to me when they need something.

I want to give all my stuff away
Just before - and because - I die

I ain't gonna lie
I ain't gonna die

When my dad died I threw out 23 coffee pots and 16 blenders he "rescued" from thrift stores and packed away in nooks and crannies at the back of kitchen cabinets.

While record hunting with some collector friends (old jazz, rock 'n roll, etc...) we'd run into a procession of older white women who'd spit venom telling us about how they'd gone into their sons' rooms and thrown out all those horrible nasty junk rock records by the Beatles and Rolling Stones, but they kept all the "good" records collectors wanted by Jim Nabors, Andy Williams, Dean Martin, etc.... One of them proudly (and judgmentally) presented me with her collection of Jimmy Swaggart gospel albums and expected that us real record collectors expected to pay a lot of money for her collection.

They'd ask us what were the best collector records we were looking for, and they blow up almost in a state of rage when I told them we were looking for Black music made by Black people, old rock 'n roll, and nasal old country stuff made with a dance beat, like the '30s black swing Kansas City jazz bands and pre-war blues jazz '78s from the South, but had no interest in anyone who played in a Las Vegas showroom singing love songs.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/27/2021 02:09AM by snagglepuss.

Snagglepuss, that's funny, and crazy (23?). Wow

And, kathleen, so funny, and so true (for some, and a good laugh for the rest of us)!

He'd shop those tiny cheap stripmalls' stores with knockoff cheap junk and bring home things that didn't work. The most annoying were soft drill bits. Hardly better than lead, they were so soft. One use and toss 'em.

I had to laugh at the conversation ahead of me in line. Someone’s house was narrowly missed by the fire.

They we so disappointed.

My friend took it upon herself to clean up her boys’ room. She thought their joints were Job Sticks and stuck them in all her potted plants.

She put POT in Potted plants?

They should be So Happy!

°•○The plot plants○•°
(Not so much: the boys)

:D

The concept of digging a large hole and burying it all is becoming more appealing.

Just before going into assisted living, my mother began sending back gifts she had been given to the giver. We almost always give things we would like ourselves so it works out very well.

I rarely like a gift someone gives. And by rarely I mean never except for the German Chocolate cake or the Carrot cake or Guava Pastries from Porto's. Oh, and their Tres Leches.

But I digress. I got back a rose quartz marble ball on a brass stand, a painting I did of a vase she gave her grandmother who raised her when she was a kid--Roseville--and a bracelet I gave her when I was in Italy with the BYU Folk Dance team. I love them.


One sister was mad I didn't come to unload the rest of the house (after she got all she wanted). I was like, call some people and have it hauled away and I'll help pay. I was too busy keeping the company going during covid and staying off airplanes.

I second getting rid of the clutter. One person's treasure is another man's trash so at least leave a lot of those giant plastic trash bags to go along with it.

That's a good idea. We often buy things we like as a gift for others.

My problem is, most of the people who gave me stuff are dead. Otherwise, I'm sure they would have enjoyed getting the stuff they gave me!

I cleaned out my father's garage after he passed. I found the task daunting and overwhelming. My wife gave me a lot of needed support. He had amassed tons of materials: piping, parts for motorcycles, tools and more tools.

He had his hobby of trains and was extremely proud of his expertise in wiring. He had wired up a train yard for up to 10 persons to control the train (this was before wireless control made train control easier to use). I had the task of cutting and removing his control box. A big dumpster awaited and it was very hard on me.

My mom and other siblings wanted no part of the clean up. That was their way of dealing with it.

I feel your pain. Fortunately my clean up was in two parts, first after we sold Mom's house and moved her into a small apartment and after she passed.
Highlights:
-Tea stained glasses that were around when I was a child
-Tools, tools and more tools (also many assorted screws and nuts)
-3 sets of China (sent to consignment shop)
-Afghans. I swear they were mating in the closet for years
-Electric bill receipts from 1968

Nothing was monetarily valuable. And then there were the photos...

A couple moved here from the coast in a Ryder truck.

Midway, the truck tuned over and burst open.

People were stopping and stealing their stuff.



What a great promo for Ryder.

Hi, exmos. I came here to see if Russell Nelson really said soaking is OK, lol. Yeah, I'm still a pretty big sucker.

I'm also having the WORST YEAR EVER, thanks to Munchymomom and her failures to provide for herself and her stuff. I won't bore you with details; suffice it to say it would have been bad even if she had died in her sleep like she wanted to believe she would.

Instead, she has spent this year in two different facilities - three, if we count the hospital, and four if we count her readmission to the assisted-living place where she fell and broke her hip, only now she's in the memory care unit - while Brobotaz and I struggle with her house and its contents and figure out how to keep her dumb ass in care.

She cancelled some ridiculously inexpensive long-term care insurance years ago, because no one knows why ... and now everyone is having the year from hell.

This is going on with my grandma.My grandpa died last year and there is an entire basement worth of tools that are about 34 years old that he spent about a decade and a half collecting, and then he used them when he refurbish some condos, but he sold those and he didn’t really have a use for them after that so they sat collecting dust for 15 years. There is some interesting stuff down there though, I bet it’s gone now but I went down there once four or five years ago and I found a few dozen copies of dialogue: a journal of Mormon thought. My grandpa was a university president in the late 70s and 80s when that thing was starting to be trendy, before the Internet age.

I asked my grandpa once if I could have one of his crossbows, because his arthritis prohibited him from using it. I knew at the time that it might sound insensitive but he had a bunch of crossbows and shotguns and stuff and he just couldn’t use any of them anymore, and he said they were going to David, his son, maybe that was an insensitive thing to ask After all I kind of still regret it. I should have asked for the journals.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/03/2021 10:57AM by midwestanon.

Read "Swedish Death Cleaning." Lots of valuable advice.

The previous owner(s) were major clutterers. A major downside of clutter is you can't find what you're looking for, so you go out and buy another. Thus, multiple ratchet sets, hammers, drill sets, etc. etc. (ETC!!).

So here's what I'm doing: I set up a row of boxes and bins for different categories of tools and inventory. If it has anything to do with plumbing, I drop it in "this" bin. If it's electrical, it goes into "that" bin. A large box for hand tools, a couple for power tools and accessories...you get the point.

Also, a couple of bins for antique tools. Quite a few of those!

I'm not sure what we'll do with all this, but at least it's broken down, and we have some sense of the situation, and can identify what's useful, maybe valuable. And I have "clear" access to more of the shop and can bag the trash, separate out recyclables, shovel and sweep the dirt and sawdust.

Separating things into gross categories might be a system for some of you to employ. Good luck!

(PS: Still haven't found the Lindbergh kidnapping ransom, but you never know!)

According to American Pickers some old tools are collectable and can be quite valuable.