Posted by:
ziller
(
)
Date: March 09, 2022 10:46PM
in b 4 ~
Three-Fisted Exmo Tales ~
“When MormonJesus Attacks” ~
Part 3 ~
The vast basement of the RfM Administrative Control Center is basically a Smithsonian-like repository of all things anti-Mormon collected by ExMormons around the world and sent here to be cataloged, archived and studied.
There in one corner was a collection of ancient Lamanite pikes, swords and halberds.
Along one wall a row of metal shelves groaned under the weight of wooden chests full of Nephite coins.
Another row of shelves held glass jars containing specimens of silk, honey, barley and wheat – all from Book of Mormon times!
There was even a restored ancient Aztec mural bearing the very name and image of the Prophet Joseph Smith, Jr.
It is rumored that the basement of the RfM Administrative Control Center had secret tunnels and bunkers containing artifacts that only the elite of the ExMo hierarchy were allowed to see – things like the shrunken head of Brigham Young, the lost 116 pages of the Book of Mormon, and, it is even whispered, the mummified body of the RealJesus!
But Ziller, ExMormonRon, GayLayAleJesus, RaptorJesus and The Man in Black were not interested in any of these unholy relics. They were on a mission. They were after the huge collection of LDS Youth Roadshow props and costumes garnered from apostate raids on LDS Stake Houses and LDS Slave Ships.
GayLayAleJesus dug through some Deseret Industries bags and found an oriental silk bathrobe and a turban that kind of matched. With his shaved head, it was not hard to see a striking resemblance to Url Brenner in “The King and I”.
RaptorJesus had found a box of costume jewelry and was carefully placing a large jeweled ring on each of his manicured talons. The rings beautifully accented the robes he was already wearing. A paper Burger King crown completed the ensemble and it was evident from the way RaptorJesus admired himself in the mirror that the outfit was RaptorJesus approved.
ExMormonRon and Ziller were in deep discussion over a two-man camel suit. ExMormonRon had already put on the front half of the suit and was standing there with the camel head under his arm while Ziller pretended not to know how to put on the rear half.
“Why does Ziller have to be the back half?” Ziller asked.
“Because this whole thing was your idea,” replied ExMormonRon.
“Ziller was just thinking out loud, throwing out some ideas,” Ziller explained.
“Well,” ExMormonRon said, “try to do better next time.”
Ziller slipped his feet in the leggings and pulled the rear half of the camel suit up around his shoulders.
The Man in Black stood watching silently, wearing his customary all black Zorro get-up and wondering how he had managed to get involved in a scheme like this.
“Hey The Man in Black,” Ziller called out. “When are you gonna suit up?”
“When am I going to suit up?” asked The Man in Black.
“Ya,” said Ziller. “When are you gonna suit up?”
“I am not going to suit up,” said The Man in Black.
“Why not?” asked Ziller.
“For two reasons,” said The Man in Black. “First, I am suited up. This is what I wear all the time for everything. Second, Steve Benson made me foreman of this operation, so I advise you all to get your things together and head out to the garage. There should be a limo waiting for us.”
Part 4
Tommy S. Monson screamed.