My favorite 'old teaching' is the one used against me, that if a Lamanite will turn 'white' if he's righteous, it must mean that if he's turning 'darker', he's sinning.

I didn't think of it at the time, but if that doctrine were true, then there wouldn't be a 'white' band around my wrist where I wear my watch.  It's there, and it's 'white' and boy, does it contrast with the tanned (evil) skin!

And my feet, from just beneath the ankle to my toes: pure 'white'!  And my butt!!!! If I pull down my pants near a wall, you can do shadow puppets from the glow!*

If it were 'sin' that was causing the changes, one supposes it would be uniform, as opposed to the changes caused merely by exposure to significant sunlight.

If Sis. Stewart and/or Sis. Bunker ever come down from the CK, Imma mention it to them ...  (redacted superfluous cursing)

What's your favorite 'old' teaching?


 



*photos available on request; please include a stamped, self-addressed email address.  Sorry, no butt photos!

I knew there was a part of you that would appeal to TBM Sisters.

Don't listen to him! He's not responsible for his actions.

TBMs will dismiss the more interesting old teachings as not currently (or never were) doctrine, but it’s virtually impossible to nail down what exactly is doctrine. Were blacks less valiant in the pre-earthly existence? That was in an official statement signed by all three members of First Presidency, but now it was just a misunderstanding. Early church leaders clearly stated that polygamy was necessary for exaltation, then it became grounds for automatic excommunication. If we’re exalted do we get to create our own worlds? Old teaching: yes, new teaching, no.

Are we going to push handcarts back to Missouri? When I was a teenager, I knew a girl in my ward who always had a new spare pair of shoes in her closet for the return to Missouri.

The church is like week-old sushi. It smells mighty fishy. Consume at your own risk.

A rules drama even the mormons would enjoy:

RMs meet and celestial marry at the Y. A couple of babies later her plane goes down in a South American jungle. The wreckage is found, but not all the bodies can be found. She is declared legally dead.

He marries in the temple again and a couple of babies later the first eternal wife shows up, wanting to be with her kids and eternal husband again. The second wife says, “sure, why not? We’re mormons!”

How does the church decide to handle that?

hopefully ~



the church will use the glow of OPie's white ass ~




to cast shadow puppets upon the temple wall ~




to discern a solution ~

It is still just as 'true'...the thing is that it is new and improved eternal truths. Brought to you by "prophet today, man tomorrow" truth oil sales men.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/10/2022 03:57PM by cheezus.

I really prefer to stick with the basics.
Like "I saw a pillar of light..with two personages"...or was it just one personage (Jesus) or was it an angel...or an angel with a choir or what?

Maybe it was a newsreel?

Yes, but I ask you. Is the news real?

I'll see myself out.

You get your own planet, provided you are of the correct ancestry and gender.

You get your own harem, or eternal pregnancy, depending on your gender.

Bandelos were true. So was Scouting.

Bruce R McConkie knew the answer to every "gospel" (in the Mormon sense of the word) question........

...except race and the priesthood. Alvin R Dyer had that nailed ("For What Purpose" talk at missionary conference, 1961) The talk was faithfully copied on carbon paper (ask your grandparents) and widely circulated on the Mormon Underground.


Mormonism, like Heinz, comes in 57 varieties, all of which are true and correct.

Or 31 like Baskin Robbins

True and Mormon Church are mutually exclusive terms are they not?

It’s true the mormon church isn’t true . . .

I think the internet and the advent of Google are to Mormonism what the printing press was to Catholicism. People who did the Google search found answers on the internet they could never get by searching, pondering, praying or asking ‘priesthood authorities’
The internet changed and proved MORmONism a fraud, but many Mormons I know stick with it because they don’t think the alternative is any better.

A favourite few that I remember, but it has to be said I don’t know if all of these are still commonly taught/mentioned, nor if I’ve remembered them accurately; a lot of this was taught to me as an investigator and new-member. Thinking about them again has raised some questions too:

-Satan controls the ocean, so be careful when you’re swimming in it. Apparently his power extends to swimming pools if you’re a missionary.

-Sleep paralysis (a real medical phenomenon) was explained as the sons of perdition /Satan’s followers visiting you at night and holding you down. This only happens to the most righteous people as a way to try and defeat them when they are extra resistant to temptation.

-Getting your own planet was commonly taught as doctrine and now it’s being swept under the rug. God lives on (/near) Kolob on an an actual tangible planet(?), as opposed to another dimension that I had assumed heaven would be. So how did Jesus get there after he ascended? Does he have a spaceship, or does he fly through space Princess Leia-style? Do his powers extend to travelling at warp speed?

-The celestial kingdom will literally be Earth renewed to a Celestial glory, so will god and Jesus fly back to earth and live here instead? I’ve probably mixed up the story (oops doctrine-not doctrine) in my head. Someone please explain...
So are the telestial and terrestrial kingdoms actually other planets then?

-Ironically mormons don’t believe humans will ever evolve to the point of a space travel age. Presumably because the second coming will happen before that. So space travel can only happen (I suppose) if you become a god. But if those mormons become Gods, at what point do they leave the celestial kingdom (Earth) and start creating their own planets? Will they create just one planet each or will there be multiple universes?

-Related to that, we are living in the Last Days. I haven’t heard that mentioned so much lately, even framed as ‘Latter Days’.

-The Miracle of Forgiveness used to be a staple mormon book to study. If this isn’t being downplayed by now I’d be surprised. It’s an evil book IMO.

They (like most religions) just made stuff up as they went along until science came along dumping light on their BS.
Then they try to dump what was wrong down the memory drain. Mormonism must have a clogged drain by now.

What's your favorite 'old' teaching?

I guess it is old now that Jesus has a hedge fund but what happened to the end times nuttery?