Posted by:
blackcoatsdaughter
(
)
Date: September 30, 2022 07:24PM
One thing that had me second guessing a lot and took the longest time to shed was the thought, "Am I too prideful? Am I trying to trust unto my own understanding? Are my expectations of God and the prophets too high?"
Of course researching the topics of controversy in the church(like the stuff in the CES letter) has helped me break free in the first burst out the doors. But there was still that clinging thought of "What if I'm wrong?"
A few things helped me.
1. Researching deeper into church history, particularly about JS and BY. The defense the church narrative gives, "those are accounts given by haters of the church and agents of Satan!" can only hold up so well against all the inconsistencies, the coincidences, and gross behavior (that the church half admits to in most cases, although they like to paint it in their own "faith promoting light"). Eventually, you cannot deny who the early prophets were as people, as human men with deceptive motives.
2. Keeping abreast of current day church news. It starts to make you queasy when you hear about the $100 billion rainy day fund, the horrible treatment of LGBT through doctrine, the very prevalent abuse allegations and coverups, and the ineffectual announcements and petty focus of the church as an organization (really? All that's going on in the world and you want to focus on what we allow people to call us? Is this a trans pronouns joke or are they just THAT out of touch?) and the very uncomfortable American centric view of the church(do you remember the big announcement in November 2020? It wasn't about the pandemic. It was #Givethanks to get everyone focused on an American consumerist holiday about eating meat and being privileged enough to share in gratitude with huge family gatherings, during a time when people are getting sick and dying worldwide). Even just going back a little ways, learning about Hoffman and the Salamander Letter and the priesthood ban finally lifted in just 1978. It starts to look like it's not inspired at all, or if it IS being run by some supernatural entity, he's either confused, evil, or both.
3. Research the BITE model for cults and watch exmo content going through each part of the acronym in regards to church practices. You'll start to realize very quickly into it that the way the church controls and manipulates people is not normal or healthy.
4. Research atheist arguments against god. It helped me a lot to start asking those deep philosophical questions. Like "why can't I know god is for sure real? Why am I forced to be here with half information? Is that moral or right to make me choose based on insufficient information? Who is worthy of worship?" It helped so much to figure out who god is supposed to be as a character, who I expected, and whether or not I was even allowed to set standards for who deserves worship and a relationship with me. One sided and blind with the threat of punishment is not enough for me. I don't accept the morals of a being outside myself. And I'm open enough on the atheism to say, "sure. Fine. God might be proven eventually or might reveal himself, but even if he was, I would not worship him. The god who was described and the god who made this world is not good enough for ME. I am allowed to set those standards. I am allowed to set my own standards of what is right and wrong and what my own destiny and purpose in life should be."
Very rarely now I'll have the thought, "What if I'm just being prideful? What if I'm being led astray?" And it is usually very quickly quieted when I simply think, "yeah but it's a repressive cult and I'm allowed to have standards for my holy organizations that doesn't include being manipulated, lied to, and abused." And it quiets those thoughts and makes it matter a whole lot less.
At the end of the day, after what Joseph Smith did, after what the church still does, the way it controls people, and the confusion surrounding god's intent and plan, even if it were true: so what? It's not a good organization and the being in charge of it is one that sows contention in families and people, confusion, and submission unto victimization. There's your what if. You get to the point of examination where you have to admit it's either all a lie or it's simply run by evil forces outside of this world. I prefer to think of it as all a lie because that's at least an evil we can tangibly prove exists.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/30/2022 07:29PM by blackcoatsdaughter.