I have told this story many times but there is so much to it that the only way I could really do justice to it is to write a book (I am trying to).
I became a Mormon at 18 and after my required year of going to church, meetings, institute, paying tithing, and ignoring things I put in my paperwork and was "called to New York City Spanish Speaking"
All I was really told was how "great of an experience" going on a mission is and how I can serve and change other people's lives.

Well on getting to the MTC it started dawning on me bit by bit that
1.)Dogma was being shoved up our a%$ 24/7.
2.)Lots of People were not "volunteering" to be there but were there because of how disappointed their families would be if they didn't "serve" a mission or would become friend only materiel to women.
3.)That the Church is a corporation that does not have the answers anymore than the evangelical church's I was raised in.
4.)What cognitive dissonance and group think can do to people.
5.)If I can be pushed into doing this than what else can I be pushed into?
I am sure I will remember even more but I only lasted six weeks after ending up on in the counselors office and being sent home because he thinks "I am susceptible to depression."
Not sure what is the most infuriating thing about that experience but
I had to listen to talks from Holland, Monson, Oaks, ect. They design that system and I am not sure if they overtly do it just to break kids down and keep them in something they know is a fraud or have convinced themselves they have good intentions, or some combination of both??? But I look back on those six weeks with anger and disgust and I would like to hear what anyone's thoughts or ideas are about those at the top who put kids through that.

Your post reminds me of the Moonies selling flowers back in the 80s. People were amazed and outraged that all those young people could be brainwashed and manipulated like that.

There were articles like this, from Christians, obliviously unaware they were using the same tactics. I could substitute a few words to illustrate, but those who see it, see it.

https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/1982/march-5/moonies-seek-niche-in-american-religion.html

From the 1982 article:
"Everybody has seen a Moonie. They are those strange-looking, apparently mindless people selling flowers at airports. They are led by a mysterious Korean who has probably brainwashed them. They are bizarre and alien—not at all like “normal people.”

"They are smart, and they work hard to be accepted, but they clearly teach heresy."


Now when I see missionaries, I can't help but think of them as versions of Moonies. Kids shouldn't be subjected to that kind of manipulation until they are consenting adults IMO.

I have mixed feelings about that whole 2 years. I was one of those who went "because of how disappointed their families would be if they didn't "serve" a mission".

But I also went because it was an acceptable way to get away from said family. And as a bonus, they paid for it!

On the downside, I spent two years distrusting most of the words coming out of my own mouth. That didn't really feel good.

They tell you that there is only one real problem in the world, and that is people's willingness to accede to the instructions of the Q-15. Everything else is a distraction placed there by Satan.

I’m glad I went because it put my on the road out. That was necessary. If hadn’t gone on a mission, I would have been a “sinner” and then repented and come back and would therefore later be perfect material for becoming a bishop and stake president, and thus less able to get out.

gw, I also had similar feelings as you did. The start of my mission (1977) pre-dated when the domestic elders went to the MTC in Provo. So, I spent a week in the SL Mission Home in Salt Lake City before flying off to Virginia to be a door-to-door salesman for Joe Smith. I never had a worse week in my life. The warm loving “Jesus loves me” church I grew up in, warped into a mean-spirited church boot camp.

I saw the mission home leaders dish out many acts of incredible emotional cruelty and I began to wonder if I was at the right place. The first set of emotional cruelties was witnessing the scene of missionaries being separated from their families and girlfriends. I had never seen so much anguish and sadness erupt in so many people all at once when the families & girlfriends were told to say goodbye to their missionary and to immediately get out while callously reminding the sobbing elders, as their families and girlfriends walked away, that they would not see them again for two years.

Since I was from California, I had already experienced my own tearful goodbyes to my family and girlfriend two hours prior and I was still reeling from that. How gut wrenching it was to witness again people having their hearts broken, and while this ugly scene was transpiring, watching the mission home leaders smile with a sanctimonious glee of sick satisfaction. I wanted to punch them so badly. This scene looked like a WWII movie where families were being ripped apart to be sent to Nazi death camps.

Oh, remember, families are forever...yea, right.

The mission home nightmare week progressed with the mission home leaders attempted to brainwash me, along with the rest of the Elders, with their non-stop scripture and discussion memorization, multiple temple sessions, endless boring meetings, horrible food, no down time, and sleep deprivation. It was like a week-long Sunday with everyday being not just a 2 or 3 hour block of boring meetings and nonsense, but an 18 hour block of boring meetings and nonsense with no breaks. I got so fed up with all the berating talks from the mission home leaders or some pinhead General Authority. They constantly said that I (we) did not or could not be worthy to God in any way, that we were not any better than pond scum. They cruelly chastised publicly any Elder when they asked any tough doctrinal questions. The General Authorities were the meanest, coldest, and cruelest SOBs I have ever seen. Any respect I had for them, or the church, was now gone. I saw that they had no more inspiration than that of a rotting old fence post and no more compassion than someone dripping hot wax into your eyes. If Jesus Christ was like them, I would rather be in outer darkness.

Each day this SLC mission home experience was becoming more and more of a “Bad Boys Reform School” nightmare. I remember one particular day when everyone was gathered in the main meeting room, the GA speaker asked what our jobs as missionaries was to be. Some poor elder raised his hand, stood up and said "...to teach the gospel of Jesus Christ and fellowship people into the church." The response from the GA was, "No Elder, you are totally wrong. Your job is to not teach the gospel but to be obedient and tract out people."

That elder was so humiliated and stunned. I was stunned. Everyone else was stunned. I sat there and thought, "This is not what I signed up for. This is not what I was taught since my early childhood of what a mission was all about.” This was a major damage moment to whatever testimony I thought I possessed. It seemed like I could almost hear that testimony fracturing, like a glass window being over-stressed. I kept thinking over & over, "I left behind my beautiful Asian girlfriend, the love of my life, and scuttled my college educational opportunities, and sold my car, and gave up my good life to endure this emotional brutality?" It finally occurred to me that I had been lied to all my growing up years of what a mission was.

Oh, how I wish that I possessed the courage then to just get up, pack my bags, and hail a cab back to the airport. But at 19, I was too much of a coward to do so. To this day, I regret not taking charge of my life’s direction and just fly back home before suffering two long years of crap.

Being a cynical person by nature, I inquired at the front desk of the mission home and asked if this was really the LDS mission home. They said "yes, why do you ask?" I replied that I have yet to witness any manifestation of Christ-like love from anyone here. That raised their eyebrows and after that I seemed to be watched more closely than before.

I did not succumb to the brainwashing but by the end of that god-awful week, I was exhausted and shaken from what I experienced. I was still "Flash" and would not allow myself to turn into a mindless Morgbot named "Elder Flash". I still had my self-respect and identity intact after all the ugliness I endured and witnessed. I would not drink their Kool-Aid.

Others around me were drinking the Kool-Aid, and heavily, and it was scary but interesting to watch as people became brainwashed and changed before your eyes into mindless missionary Morgbots. Critical thinking skills had evaporated from most of the Elders.

I did talk to a few elders who were seeing things as I saw them, and they too, wished they had never signed up for missionary service. One of the Elders I talked with did escape because one morning he was gone, bags and all, and no one knew how or when he left. I wished that he would have taken me with him.

Every night, lying on my bed, my thoughts went around in endless circles for hours thinking: Where was the brotherhood in this nightmare? Where were the spiritual experiences to confirm my testimony as promised? Where was the Christ-like love and appreciation from the Church and its leaders for their "volunteers" that gave up so much to be here? Where was any ounce of compassion for the Elders shaken from being separated from their loved ones?

At the conclusion of this nightmare week, I discovered that whatever testimony I thought I possessed was gone. All that I was taught prior to this experience of what a mission would be like was false. I could not believe that I had been deceived my whole life and that I could not see through the lies. I felt so wronged and trapped and now I could no longer trust anyone anymore.

On the cross-country flight from Utah to Virginia, feelings of great emptiness, deep sadness, and foreboding overcame me with such intensity that I could not speak to anyone the whole way there. My thoughts only consisted of saying to myself "I don't want to be here! How could I have been so foolish to get succored into this shit? I should be in college now. I miss my girlfriend so much it hurts."

That's a powerful story, Flash. I remember reading your mission story several times.

Here's a prior thread that you and others wrote on. GW might find this interesting:

https://www.exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,2373817

If you can find your story about the Roanoke mission, and your last day there, I think GW might find that of interest as well. I did a web search, but couldn't locate it.

I had a visa delay to get into Brazil for my mission so they sent me to the Roanoke, VA mission where I served in Newport News. This was back in 1991-92.

I went on my mission in 77 too. It was called the LTM then…Language Training Mission. Your post reminded me of that.

summer, a post of my last day can be found here.

https://www.exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,2471706,2471706#msg-2471706

Yes, that's the one I was thinking of. Thanks for finding it.

"after my required year of going to church, meetings, institute, paying tithing, and ignoring things I put in my paperwork and was "called to New York City Spanish Speaking"

That's why I never put in my papers. If they were really inspired, they would extend a mission call without papers. After all, if you volunteer you're not being called. Your being assigned.

Back then I didn't understand church doublespeak.

Missions are specifically designed to break people's wills and make them completely, passively obedient; not really any different than breaking a horse to perform its rider's will.

Church leaders hate it when they encounter people who refuse to be broken, at which point they ratchet up the petty vindictiveness (hence the accusations of "rebelliousness" and "pride" and "murmuring" and "Korihor" etc.) to show who's in charge.

While I consider the church itself to be a cult, others may not; but missions are absolutely a cult by any measure, no question.

"5.)If I can be pushed into doing this than what else can I be pushed into?"

That line is block-buster for me. I have always said, "If they can get you see something as banal a coffee as something that would keep you out of the CK, then they can get you to do anything." The way you put it says the same thing. They count on you not wanting to admit you've been duped. They count on you "throwing good money after bad", not turn your back on your "investment."


They always warned us that that is how Satan works. Always tricks you with some small thing and then step by step, little by little, he leads you to the big sins.

That's how Oaks and his ilk work. I don't know their reasons but they have Google and for them to believe the church is what it claims to be is absurd at this point. It feeds their sick egos can be their only reason.

Guys who go on missions are at that age when often you are the most idealistic and many go for that reason. I did. Others are going for the reasons you mentioned--getting the goods from your parents and getting the good women.


I would say "what you can get pushed into" is the hook for your book.

"If they can get you see something as banal a coffee as something that would keep you out of the CK, then they can get you to do anything."

If they were wearing the lab coat in the Milgram experiment, that would be a scary proposition. MMM showed that the early saints really were capable of anything.

Even in the general population, only 1/3 of us will refuse to comply with orders to kill. What happens when you cull that 1/3?

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milgram_experiment


On the bright side, I am glad you get that. How many rebels does it take to change the tide? At My Lai, it only took one: Hugh Thompson.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hugh_Thompson_Jr.

Which begs the question, should we really abandon the church to its echo chamber of banality? I mean, those of us with family still in. Maybe they need a voice of sanity.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/17/2023 01:16PM by bradley.

I remember one "troubled" missionary who told us kids the best way to cripple a member of an opposing gang. And how he was told he either went on a mission or he would have received serious jail time. He scared the **** out of me.

The negative things that people are posting seem to have come from the over the top concentration on obedience and nose-to-the-grindstone attitude copped by the church leaders some time in the 1980's or 1990's, with a seeming goal of snuffing out any possible enjoyment. I went on my mission in 1969, still during the time when missionaries were trusted more with their own missions. I think that, first of all, leaders felt that missions were voluntary, and conscious that we were all privately footing the costs, some families at great sacrifice. So our latitude was great: We wrote home using our real addresses, without not sending them through the mission office for editing and addressing from there. We would know our next address before making a transfer, allowing family and friends to make the change. We arranged our own transfers, and went by ourselves. (One of my own transfers was from Torino, Italy, by train to Genova, where I boarded an overnight ferry to Porto Torres in northern Sardinia. Then I boarded a train bound for Cagliari, where I hung out in the station to meet all the other guys in my gaining district who came to greet me. We went to lunch of wood-fired local pizzas, before going to our flat.)

If we were ill or had got injured, we found a doctor; it was rare that we had to get the mission involved. We had one "diversion day" per month that was 24 hours long; the other three D-days went only until 6pm. The good part was that we could do whatever. Surprised to find bowling alleys in Italy, we went bowling a lot. Even though the mission president did not prefer we did so, it still wasn't forbidden to go to a movie. Wed hang out in Italian bars (more like family-friendly neighborhood pubs) eating sandwiches and drinking 7-Up, while playing all the new American hits on the jukebox. (I first heard CCR's "Bad Moon Rising" there, as well as the most popular stuff by Fifth Dimension. Joseph Fielding Smith had conniptions and was incensed when Fifth Dimension performed at BYU, because "Negro music," especially after learning that the students could not stop themselves from dancing in the aisles during the performance.)

Part of my mission was in Italian-speaking Switzerland, where we had easy, easy access to multiple hiking paths that we explored on our downtime.

I still had bad drama at home, and had a relationship with a girl that pretty much scarred me for life, and still had two years of life and education sucked away and wasted, save for the fact that, many years later, I got me a transfer to a cushy job in the American Embassy in Rome because I had tested well in Italian. That's the only high point, however, but still... It was a sort of reward.

Just saying that I believe that our missionary work was more fruitful than today's experiences, because a content missionary is a better missionary.We were turning into adults, and leadership seemed to honor that. The church has turned missionary efforts into a losing proposition at their own expense due to poor leadership and lack of inspiration. Today's leadership treats missionaries like they're sniveling little 8th grade gits, and have taken away every private moment, replacing it with iron-gloved, humiliating control.

That's my take, anyway. 1969 -- no expectations to go on a mission, and much more honorable treatment.

  
  

Today, my English would be much more "French." The answer to,"Do you masturbate?" would become "Just f*ck off!"

I remember reading Mitt Romney's account of his mission to France, and it had the same flavor. Missionaries were treated as the volunteers that they were, and given a lot of latitude. It should go back to that. But first you would need to convince today's missionaries that they are, in fact, volunteers.

I'm throwing some rough estimates, but I think the church profits from every missionary who serves and pays the full 24 months of missionary supplemental support. It used to be 350 per month, but I think it's now 500 for families who send a young man or young woman.

What if the church has a surplus of 1K for each missionary at the end of the year?

With 60,000 serving a full year, I think the church nets 60 million or more~ which is beyond the actual costs of missions. I understand the equalization plan (some missions cost more than others). I still think the church saves a bundle through multiple elders living in run down apartments and strict utilities control. Also, the church leases a handful of vehicles per mission~ not every missionary has access to a mission vehicle. Elders and sisters must buy their own bicycles.

I had a suicidal companion who had a complete mental breakdown in the MTC. Fun times.