This was a tough one for me.

Overbearing grandma, dysfunctional parents, and intrusive questions from bishops. This does not foster healthy boundaries in kids. I had to learn how to establish healthy boundaries after leaving Mormonism.

Proper boundaries are a sign of emotional maturity and essential for emotional well-being.

Let's start with Grandma. One set of grandparents was awesome. They loved to watch us as children. And as we grew up, they just accepted us as we were. We listened to different music, wore weird clothes (according to adults) and used new slang. My grandparents just smiled and loved us.

I had one grandmother who had a very poor understanding of boundaries. She once accused an unmarried grandson of being gay. He was getting his Master's degree and had a good friend who was his roommate. Grandma insinuated that he might be, ya know, "a little funny".

Grandma was known to openly admit to conditional love. She once hugged a relative and told him he needed to go to church. He asked, "Do you love me, Granma?"

"Yes," she said. "But I'd love you more if you went to church." This was way before the age when people start to lose their filter. Grandma was always like that.

I've talked about my dysfunctional parents before. Dad drank. Mom took care of him. My siblings and I contributed to the household expenses util we were lucky enough to move out. And Mom resented that.

Not only did I leave Mormonism, but I got divorced. One reason I got divorced was that I did not have boundaries and I had married a narcissistic psychopath (diagnosed by me and a website I found). You know the type; they isolate you from family, tell you who you can be friends with, and remind you on a daily basis that you're not good enough.

All of the craziness when I was growing up played into the difficulty with setting boundaries and marrying someone who did not understand boundaries. But somewhere along the line, things changed. Learning about boundaries and getting my head on straight actually ended that marriage. She complained that I'd changed. I had. I no longer allowed people to use me as a doormat. That completely changed the dynamic of the relationship and she filed for divorce. With a narcissist, that's called the "discarding" phase.

Fast forward a few years and I met someone amazing. Beautiful, smart, funny, a degree in Psychology from a prestigious university, and we value the same things. I'd never met anybody like this, or at least spent any time with someone this normal; good family, healthy boundaries, and... just normal.

I was keenly aware that I did not yet have good boundaries, and it's really hard to fake normalcy. But I had the motivation. New job, new city, new relationship. I did a ton of reading, saw a psychologist, and did a lot of introspection.

Setting boundaries does not come easy at first. Sometimes, the pendulum swung too hard the other way. Instead of just firmly setting down boundaries, I over-reacted to people who encroached on my boundaries, or I perceived that they were trampling on my boundaries.

I must have surprised the people who knew me when I was first learning. They were really taken aback when a usually mild-mannered doormat suddenly pointed out things that were not acceptable anymore.

Yes, I snapped at a co-worker who disrespected me. But instead of just saying, "That's not acceptable," I tore his head off. But those days are long gone. Today, if a co-worker says something stupid, I reply, "That's not very polite."

Learning to have healthy boundaries took time for me. But it has paid tremendous rewards. I have so much more energy, I'm much less resentful, and I don't have to avoid people who do not understand boundaries. I simply say, "Not today."

This happened recently when a work acquaintance who has poor people skills stepped over a boundary. I got up and left the conversation. I was the first one in my peer group to notice that there was something off about this guy. I guess the red flags are just more obvious to me. But I have no room for BS in my life. When a red flag pops up, I don't let it slide. One by one, others started to notice this guy was odd, and they all ended up leaving the conversation until he was sitting alone with his drink.

I call that a victory. No suffering in silence while an inappropriate person held me hostage emotionally, no over-reaction or ripping anybody's head off. Just a clean break.

I kind of like this newfound freedom.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/07/2023 01:10PM by T-Bone.

This is a very cool post, one that addresses a ton of Mormon baggage.