I'll start. There was a guy in my last ward who went up to bear his testimony about the church and he said that he felt the Holy Ghost testify to him that it was true and that it "smelled like roses."

???

That was a new one for me. I didn't know the HG had a particular smell. :)

When I was a teenager, a woman got up and went on and on about how much she loved her husband. Weeks later, she filed for divorce and married the county auditor who also left his wife. We were in absolute shock!

woh! bizarre!

That doesn't mean she didn't love him!

She just got a better offer...

I guess she just couldn't talk her way into it.

gemini Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> When I was a teenager, a woman got up and went on
> and on about how much she loved her husband. Weeks
> later, she filed for divorce and married the
> county auditor who also left his wife. We were in
> absolute shock!

It's often a bad sign when someone talks about how much they love their spouse all the time. It's better to show than tell in such circumstances. (I don't mean PDA.)

One lady was crying and going on about how she left a houseplant on their stereo. When she watered the plant, water got into the stereo. She was blubbering about how her husband had told her to move the plant. I have no idea why she had to tell everyone at church.

Another time, some weird old lady (not me) got up and bragged about how she made the best pie. Seriously, that was the content of her entire rambling testimony.

Pie recipes, pleasee.

LOL
She didn't share anything useful like the actual recipes. Besides, if the only one bragging is the cook herself, I don't think her claim has much merit.

I guess testimonies are a way to fish for attention and compliments for some types. Shrug.

Pet some ducks for me!

I wonder if she knew her husband was going to beat the crap out of her for not obeying and ruining the stereo. Probably hoping god would help her with that one.

Ultra cringe story.

There was a critically ill person in our ward and this one man (who apparently thought he was a prophet) declared during F&T meeting - directly to her family, calling them out by name - that she would be healed, not to listen to the doctors, it had been revealed to him that she would absolutely be healed and get up and walk again, she was going return to her normal life.

It was one of the most uncomfortable testimonies I've ever sat through and I felt so bad for that family, who of course, wanted so much to believe that she would be healed. She died about 6 months after this.

Yikes. Sad and very cringy indeed.

Back in the 70s when satellite TV was newer, an older guy got up to talk about how bad they were, because they are beaming R-rated movies all around you, even if you don't watch them.

>> because they are beaming R-rated movies all around you, even if you don't watch them.

Okay, now -- that's a funny one. Cable TV must drive him crazy!

Coax cable is one of Satans tools.

Our bishop got up and said something to the effect that his wife was very spiritual and that every prayer she uttered was answered with her desired outcome. Then she got up and basically, tactfully, refuted his testimony. OMG! Awkward!

Once, in their testimony, this guy said Joseph Smith was the most decent and honest person who ever lived.

A sister, named Gail, started talking about herself. It went real deep.

Gail doesn't talk to me anymore. Gail is quiet and unresponsive. Gail is hiding today. Gail doesn't understand my needs. Gail needs to behave...She continued every sentence with a third-party Gail. It went on for almost 30 minutes.

The bishop kept coughing into his jacket, another councilor face palmed every other sentence that came from Gail. The other had his eyes shut and appeared to cringe as her testimony had nothing to do with normal church topics.

Right before she ended, she introduced Betty to us. And both bizarre personalities had this "chat" over who loved the church more.

Clearly, she was suffering from some kind of personality disorder. And knowing that, I now realized why she abruptly "snapped" while visiting her house. She was a specialized trauma RN who also served as the Scouting advisor to obtain the first aid merit badge. You really had to prove to her that you were capable of saving one's life. I spent a lot time practicing bandages, applying pressure on wounds, and knowing how to treat a victim suffering from shock. However, in the middle of a lesson, she would wig out. She once walked in and found the peanut butter jar empty. She chased one of her sons and conked him over the head for finishing it.

The following week, the bishop tried to be funny and asked Betty - Who are you this week?

This was around the time that Madonna had done a risqué book "Sex". Some sister in the ward took it upon herself to trash talk Madonna and her evil influence over young men and society. The sister never mentioned her name, but let it be known that she would never buy her music, watch her on tv or even look at her face on magazines at the checkout stand. I have no idea why she went on that rant.

I thought to myself- Good. I don't care for your piano solos, your need to drown out other people when singing in the ward choir, and if I saw this sister's face plastered on magazines, I would want to barf.

PS I asked my mom who was also present during F/T what she thought about Sister Priss' testimony. -Gee, that was strange. I wonder why she doesn't like Elizabeth Taylor. I like Liz.

This older sister had just moved up from the Bay Area and was explaining how she wanted peace and quiet in my foothill town. With plenty of money, she hastily moved into a house centrally located in town and right next to a busy railroad line.

According to her, every time she attempted to pray, a train would pass through town interrupting her prayer. Trains were driving her crazy. And then she had a vision where the lord had told her to go forth to the bishop and ask him to cast Satan out of the trains. One guy started laughing in the chapel to the point he had to leave. He could still be heard in the foyer and then I had to exit too :D

After F/T, my dad was confronted by this new sister of the ward.

-Someone suggested that I should talk to Brother Goop because you work for the railroad. What should I do with these train horns interrupting my prayers?

My dad didn't work for the railroad but was known for his love of trains. He piped up- Simple, stop praying.

The sister retorted- I don't find that amusing one bit.

And my dad shot back- And I don't find it amusing when people move into a home near a railroad and then complain about the noise.

And 3 months later, the sister was moved out by the EQ to another part of the Golden State.

I was about 1/2 block away. While sleeping, my subconscious knew it was going to pass and there was no danger to me. Also, the horn tooter was very sophisticated. The horn was almost like jazz music.

I live next to train tracks. The only time it bugs me, is when they block trains below me. That’s because the house shakes not the noise.

I've got a great one.

Once I was in an F&T meeting and some guy stood up and told a wild tale of some Middle Easterners riding a boat to the Americas and establishing a Jewish theocracy until Jesus blew it all up. Then later the American Jews divided into two teams and got in a fight in Madison Square Gardens or some such place and the losers all died.

I think that's about right. It's been a long time so I may be fuzzy on the details.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/19/2023 01:26PM by Lot's Wife.

Middle Easterners riding a boat to the Americas?
Crazy-did this nut case then claim that these were the principal ancestors of the indigenous people in the Americas?

I think he said that those crazy Middle Easterners were "the ancestors," no "principal" about it, ancestors of today's Native Americans. But he may well have changed his mind once or twice since then.

Go figure. . .

A member testified that he doesn't have to forgive anyone.

His logic and reason: If I never feel offended or hurt then I don't need to forgive.

And it created a hell of a shit storm. The bishop then gave a 15-minute church lesson about forgiveness. He even read scriptures which you are not supposed to do during a testimony. Still worried about the erroneous testimony, the panicked bishop called the ward's gospel doctrine Sunday School teacher with the hope that this brother would squash any misunderstanding about the call to forgiveness.

The SS teacher was clearly incensed about being called to the stand during F&T. I noticed that the brother was napping during most of sacrament. He took his time walking forward and then said- Most of us believe the church is true and that a person can choose how to worship according to his conscience.

He then looked back at the bishop sitting behind him- Is that what you wanted to hear bishop?

After F/T the bishop was still arguing with the member in the hallway. The only one who was getting his dander up was the bishop.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/19/2023 01:57PM by messygoop.

What a great post, I love these stories.

One of our ward loonies, the father of three wild teenagers, got up and went on about all kinds of things that made no sense. Then he said something about fish having spirits and are influence by the Holy Ghost! The wife and I looked at each other and just laughed.

Well, Mormon doctrine says all living things and in fact the earth have souls/spirits and are informed by the light of Christ, so the dude wasn't far off. . .

One of our ward loonies, the father of three wild teenagers, got up and went on about all kinds of things that made no sense. Then he said something about fish having spirits and are influence by the Holy Ghost! The wife and I looked at each other and just laughed.

One of our ward loonies, the father of three wild teenagers, got up and went on about all kinds of things that made no sense. Then he said something about fish having spirits and are influence by the Holy Ghost! The wife and I looked at each other and just laughed.

And you people want to give all this up? Where else could you get this kind of entertainment?

PHIL Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> And you people want to give all this up? Where
> else could you get this kind of entertainment?

Because most of the time, unfortunately, F&T is not this entertaining.

Not exactly a Fast and Testimony meeting, but I was in a priesthood class once where someone mentioned JK Rowling. It all started innocently enough talking, and he mentioned how she donated money and new clothes to good causes etc. That wasn't exactly relevant to the class topic, but it was fine. But then the man began to talk about how his "sperm had entered Jo's egg", and announced that he was the father of JK Rowling's child!

This was long before Rowling became a hate figure for her opposition to transgenderism and Scottish independence.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but historically the "odor of sanctity" seems to be a real thing.

https://www.noemamag.com/the-centuries-long-quest-for-the-scent-of-god/

It's often described as rose-like.

The guy in Toronto who got up and cried about not being worthy to date any of the fair young women in the ward because he masturbates.

wow, I had no idea that this was a thing!

Thanks!

We had a lady in the ward who we thought did seances and looked through crystal balls.

She used to regularly shriek: I KNOW THAT THIS CHURCH IS TRUE. LISTEN MY FRIENDS, GO THROUGH THE WALL OF FIRE!!!!!

The kids loved it. We laughed and laughed for years afterwards. She left quite an impression on us.

Her son must of have been so embarrassed.

I zoned out during F&T...especially after mom got baptized and I had to endure her blubbering on about the gawzpel. That was painful.

Iv'e shared this before.

In my ward there was an odd man who would show up periodically on fast and testimony Sunday. His are the only testimonies I remember in my 20+ years as a TBM.

In one F&T meeting he stood up and bore testimony of his toothbrush that he kept in his pocket. Since he kept it in his pocket the bristles were scrunched up, but recently, when he pulled it out of his pocket, the bristles were straight again! In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

The last time he stood up in sacrament meeting, back when the microphone was passed around so the bishop couldn't stop him in time, he said, "I used to be a homosexual but now I'm not." Then he promptly sat down. This was in the mid 70s when people weren't so comfortable with that sort of announcement. He disappeared after that. At least he livened up F&T meeting.

A guy talking about how he spent a fortune buying a huge 2-story tent for the end times. That was about 15 years ago.

On my mission a guy kept saying Mary was the mother of God and Jesus and she was a goddess on Earth. Eventually, he got the hook from the bishop.

"Convrrted (?)" JW member says (naming them) Most of the JW doctrines are accurate

Frmr BP repeats "Aloha' a few times to open, doesn't stop until a few in congregation retreat ot..

Did I forget to mention he & family had just returned from vaycay in ... (guess where).

“ I can never know as much about the gospel as my husband because he has the priesthood and I don’t “.

What?! No Three Nephite stories?

No stockpiling of shoes for the walk to Missouri?

No lists of all the things people don't think of when getting their 2 year supply in order? (Do you have enough sanitary pads (tampon being a dirty word)? Enough mouthwash? Enough garments to last 2 years?)

No conversations with the Devil?

I am soooo disappointed.

One time, an elderly woman stood to bear her testimony and said, "I'm so thankful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the Plan of Salvation. I always wanted to meet Elvis, but I never got the chance. Because of the temple and baptism for the dead, I know that someday I'll finally get the chance to meet Elvis. Oh, and Liberace too. I know he played for 'the other team' (she made a limp wrist gesture), but he was such a marvelous musician that the Lord HAS to forgive him. It just wouldn't be the Celestial Kingdom without Liberace."

We attended an inner city ward, so we often got an interesting mix of people at fast and testimony meeting. One time, a middle aged man (who nobody knew) stood up to the pulpit and said, "Hi, my name's Ed, and I'm an alcoholic." Half the ward looked bewildered, but the other half knew the script and spoke up in true AA fashion, "Hi Ed!"

Elvis and Liberace, well She at lease has good taste in music, poor people with serious or low grade mental disorders, I remember the missionaries years ago not wanting to bring "investigators" during fast and testimony meetings because it could get weird and chase them off.

Seriously, this older lady got up and sang Our You Lonesome Tonight by Elvis Presley. I think that was my last Fast and Testimony meeting I've been to. This was at the Washington Terrace Rehab Center in Ogden.

When the church used to assign home teachers and members were pressured by the church to allow them to come into your home and read the church magazine. I wasn't there, but Brother Persnickety came over with his wife to home teach my parents. Out of the blue he makes this off the wall announcement about suffering from ED- yes the medical problem about sexual performance and his wee wee. He starts talking about his childhood, being taken to various doctors with his mother, not being able to perform his priesthood duty of making babies and why he still feels let down after raising adopted children.

My parents weren't prudes, but this was 100% inappropriate and unsolicited. My mom thinks he was making it clear that he was not interested in my mom. He mentioned (I think he has narcissistic attributes) that all these women adore him and he has to let them down gently because he's such a good person.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/21/2023 01:13PM by messygoop.

Ward campout on a Saturday on several hundred aches of beautiful church owned property on the Stillaguamish river in WA. Bathrooms, showers, big BBQ, camping spaces, etc. A very short drive from gas, food, etc. and maybe about 30 minutes drive from homes in the ward.

A woman that camped with her hubby and toddler son got up the next day in F&T and talked about how the campout finally helped her understand and relate to the mormon pioneers crossing the plains to Utah...."the trials, the hardships, the tribulations"....etc.

Really? All that from a church campout?

Another was on my mission in Jamaica. A senior missionary gets up and starts going on about a new contact that he and his wife were teaching. The new contact was visiting church for the first time. He's singing the contacts praises and then says that the lord is telling him that the guy is going to be the next branch president. The guy left after church and never came back.

One more. The 1st counselor opens the meeting up for testimonies and tells the entire congregation that its fine if children want to come up by themselves, but parents should not bring them up and whisper what to say in their ear.

The very first person up was a woman and her little kid and she immediately starts whispering what to say in his little ear, with a beaming smile like she was so proud of him. You could hear the congregation gasp and whisper "didn't she hear what (1st counselor) just said?

When are these fast and testimony meetings? Sounds like the perfect time to finally take up the offer of Mormons Adjacent to me to come visit their church one Sunday.

Mormon Adjacent Lurker Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> When are these fast and testimony meetings?
> Sounds like the perfect time to finally take up
> the offer of Mormons Adjacent to me to come visit
> their church one Sunday.

Usually the first Sunday of every month if there isn't a conference on. But as I said above, most of the time F&T is very dull. These are the edited highlights.

Fast and Testimony Sundays are like Open Mike Night - but at Church. Anything may happen. Usually you experience painful silence.

Are you allowed to play games on your phone while you wait for some action?

So what you’re saying is 99.9% chance of mind numbing boredom for a 0.1% chance of crazy. I think I’d rather spend an hour on Sunday morning with the Unitarian Universalists, at least they have coffee and donuts.

Some people here have a testimony of Google search.

How naive!

One F&T Sunday the first sister to speak began speaking about her miraculous healing. Her brain tumor had been cleared! This sister spoke continuously without interruption for over an hour. We learned that she died that Sunday afternoon.

There were many strange happenings on F&T Sunday. It got to the point that the bishop would give those who liked to give "interesting" testimonies a time limit. One of them he would hold up 5 fingers when the guy started walking up to the podium and the guy would hold up 6 fingers and so on.

One guy got up and said that he thought it was appropriate we had F&T meeting once a month as women had their periods once a month. NO LIE! And that wasn't enough, he got up a bit later and added on. I don't remember what he said after that. The wives of the members of the bishopric always sat close to the front on most Sundays, but sat on the back row on F&T Sundays. When this guy gave his testimony, we heard one of the wives say "Oh my, the secret is out." They were quite hilarious wives.

There were many more.

The guy who the bishop would limit his time didn't live too very far from my roommate and I and one Sunday he came to the door and asked if he could borrow some toilet paper as he didn't want to go buy TP on Sunday. My roommate didn't say a thing. She just turned around and went and got some toilet paper and handed it to him. Then when the door closed we both burst out laughing.

I suppose he was dealing with the digestive system equivalent of an ox in the mire.

You were nice to give the TP to him, but definitely deserve the laugh.

Just after the first Gulf War was winding down, one sister who was known for her unusual testimonies, went on and on about how blessed (pronounced blesst) her family was and that her son who had been serving in the war had been spared and was able to call home. She told a story about him serving on guard duty late at night and walking the perimeter he came upon an Iraqi helmet and poked it with his rifle "and brothers and sisters, there was a human head inside that helmet! And I know the Church is true! In he name of Jeezus Christ, Amen."

Many of the older children (and adults) looked horrified. My youngest son confided to me a few years ago that this was the point where decided he did not want to be a Mormon when he grew up. I think he was in first grade at the time.