Those of you who know my story might remember that for many years, both of my husband's daughters were very estranged, thanks to their mother's parental alienation campaign. Both are now well into adulthood, and the younger one reconnected with my husband in 2017. She lives in Provo.

Over Labor Day weekend, she sent us an email that read "Happy Labor Day", complete with a picture of her standing by her front door. There was a caption that read "Our Labor Day will be sometime in February 2024". That's how we got the news that she's pregnant with her fourth baby. I think this one will probably be the last, but you never know.

We happened to be riding a gondola over German vineyards when we got the news. We had just been talking about her eldest, who is about to turn six years old. We sent her congratulations and my husband got all verklempt, because he loves being in touch with one of his daughters. He wishes the other would connect, but even being in contact with one is more than he ever hoped for.

I thought it might be nice to send his younger daughter a care package, since we usually send stuff from our travels to the kids (with some of her favorite German candy thrown in). So I asked her what scents she likes and if anything in particular is making her feel sick right now. She told me what she likes, so I got her a couple of Molton Brown assortments. I figure she can pick which one she likes best. One of the bottles has a scent that smells of tobacco. It's kind of nice and woodsy. Hopefully, the name won't put her off.

I threw in a pair of Irish wool socks, ginger lemon chews for nausea, Dutch chocolates, stroopwaffles, and some German skin cream for the inevitable stretching. I can hardly believe it. I never thought this would have been possible a few years ago. She is the complete opposite of her mom, which is a huge blessing.

I started calling myself "pseudogranny", because it's fun to shop for my husband's grandkids. It's been fun getting to know her. When she was younger, she was the most estranged, but she made up her mind to escape her mother and live her life on her own terms. I couldn't be prouder if I were her mom.

Beautiful.

And . . . your heart is to big to be "psuedo" anything. Lots more to being a granny than blood lines. I'd say genuine granny is more like it.

I am very familiar with your story and I admire your class and restraint. No doubt that will be noticed more and more with you just being you.

Aw... thank you. That's very kind.

I guess I just don't feel comfortable thinking of myself in that way because at this point, I have only met my husband's daughters in person once. Also, my husband's lovely mother, who never got along with his ex wife, was completely cut out of her grandchildren's lives and replaced with his stepmom... who is not as bad as Ex is, but is pretty "extra" herself. So I'm sensitive to that... even though I do genuinely despise my husband's ex wife.

Younger daughter is now getting to know her lone biological grandmother, but she still calls her "Parker"... which is the name my MIL chose when she decided to legally change her name twenty years ago. Ex was adopted and both her bio mom and her adoptive mom are dead now. I think Ex tried to replace SMIL with her current husband's mom, but that never took. Younger daughter still sees my husband's stepmom as her grandmother.

There may come a time when my husband's grandchildren call me Granny, or something along those lines. But I want them to do it because they want to, not because someone made them (Ex made my husband's daughters call her current husband "Dad").

As for my restraint regarding this situation... well, you just have to know where to look. ;)

Anyway, it really is awesome to see my husband and his daughter bond. They're a lot alike.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/15/2023 01:31AM by knotheadusc.

"As for my restraint regarding this situation... well, you just have to know where to look. ;)"

That made me smile a lot. Flying under the radar are we?

Sometimes it comes out on Facebook. But I mainly confine my most venomous comments to discussions with my husband or my blog. I’ve found that people aren’t always very objective when it comes to step situations, especially when it comes to subsequent wives. Also, most people’s exes aren’t nearly as toxic as my husband’s ex wife is. People often assume I’m lying or exaggerating, or otherwise being unfair.

I do vent, though, because every time I think I’ve heard the worst of it, more disgusting stuff comes out. It’s like a big stinking onion with many rotten layers. I write about it to process it, and I no longer care if she reads it.

My husband truly is a wonderful man, though. Just ask Susan! LOL Ex gave me a great gift by divorcing him.

Knotty, your story has resonated with me over the years, as we have a similar situation to you in our family. My husband and his first wife had a very ugly and contentious breakup, and as a result he was estranged from his two then quite young children.

His daughter reached out to him when she was in her 20s. She told him that her relationship with her mom had been difficult and toxic during her growing up years and she had left home to live with a friend's family at 14.

My husband was overjoyed to have her back in his life of course. Our two kids were teens at the time, but had been told from a young age of their siblings' existence. She began visiting us, and slowly we built a relationship with one another. It changed our family dynamic somewhat, but that happens with growth, and in the end it's been positive thing.

I introduced myself to her by my first name (which coincidentally is the same name as hers) and that's what she called me. I had no expectation that she should call me "mom". Although she was at odds with her own mother (and is now estranged from her), she was still her mom and I have never set out to replace her. Over time, however, my stepdaughter began to call me "Mom" - intermittently at first, but eventually she settled into calling me that exclusively. I would never have asked this of her, but I consider it an honour that she views me as a mom, and that her two boys call me Grandma. If she went back to using my first name I'd be fine with that too, it wouldn't change our relationship.

I'm so glad for your husband and you that your stepdaughter has reached out.

I’m very glad to read that you and your husband had a similarly happy outcome. I think kids are much smarter than people give them credit for being. I remember during the one time I visited my husband’s kids and former stepson (who called him dad, because Ex did the same to her first husband), hearing younger daughter commenting about how her mom never let her do anything.

Somehow I knew, even back then, that they were going to have a difficult relationship. However, during her visit, she slapped my husband for having beer in the fridge and accused him of being a drunk. So I didn’t have a great first impression. And thanks to her brother, I was a little wary of her when she came around.

But she has turned out to be a lovely person and wonderful mom to her kids. And she has suffered so much! So I try to stay out of the way. I did send her a comic about a fetus calling “womb service”, though. She thought that was funny!

My husband got to see her in March 2020, days before the world shut down. He said they hugged for a long time, because it had been over 15 years… and they talked a lot. I have noticed people need a long time to debrief after being around Ex. When he came home from Utah, my husband brought me a lovely handwritten note she wrote, thanking me for making her dad so happy. <3

I was very moved, not just because it was such a kind gesture, but also because it’s the kind of thing her dad does.

This makes me so happy!!!!! It's so nice when something works out. This was such a horrible situation, for so many years and at least in part it is so much better :) I think you have picked out great things. In the future maybe start a doll collection for her from different countries you travel to. And real German bears for the kids would be treasures.

Um, and I am available for adoption :)

LOL... you've seen enough Arran "bromance" videos on Facebook to know you'd be taken care of! God, we miss our Arran (rescue beagle who passed away a few months ago).

Last month, we sent the kids a box from our epic trip to Scandinavia/Nordic countries. In the box, we included a toy wooden hatchet that was made by a Norwegian archaeologist at a museum we visited in Bergen. It went with the wooden sword we found at a German castle for the oldest. We sent a walking stick from Latvia, too. I figured it would make a good princess staff for the lone granddaughter. Younger daughter videoed the kids opening the box, and it was just so adorable watching them react.

I think before too long, maybe we'll ask her if she'd rather us help pay for lessons or sports. I know she's short on space now. They're probably going to have to move, now that #4 is on the way. They need a new car, too. But for now, the kids are still really little and I am having a ball looking for stuff to send them.

It's been slow, but this is how things ought to turn out. Your approach has been perfect from start to finish.

Thanks. Coming from you, I would take that as a compliment.

But not an empty one. Like most of us here, I've followed this story for ?? years and it seemed insoluble at the beginning, but you and your husband have handled a weird and terrible situation with patience and kindness (when it was allowed ;-), and that weird and terrible situation is less weird and on the road to healing (if I remember correctly, your DH has another daughter who remains "estranged", as they say...).

All the best to you both

Tom

Yes, he has an older daughter who hasn’t seen him since Christmas 2004. The last time he heard from her was in 2006, when both daughters sent him letters demanding that he allow them to be adopted by their mother’s third husband (with whom she has another son and daughter). He refused to do that, and she’s been as good as her word. Oddly enough, she still considers my husband’s dad and stepmom family. When my FIL died in 2020, she wanted to go to the funeral, but my husband’s sister and stepmother would not allow it. We weren’t even able to attend ourselves.

Last year, Ex and older daughter, and her daughter with #3 went to see my husband’s still grieving stepmother. It was the first time she’d seen older daughter in many years. Sure enough, Ex tried to get money from SMIL, even suggesting that she move in with them in New Hampshire. I had noticed Ex tweeting celebrities for money and trying to raise money online, so I warned my husband’s sister. She later confirmed that Ex had tried to get money from SMIL.

Older daughter is 32 years old and still lives with her mother. She does the cooking and cleaning, and takes care of Ex’s youngest child, an almost 17 year old boy who has severe autism. She supposedly attends a counseling program in graduate school, which Ex probably pushed her to do to get the excess student loan money. She did similar things to younger daughter years ago. Ex’s husband is the only one earning a paycheck in their house. He is a nurse’s aid.

Yes… it’s a very weird situation, and I have only just scratched the surface of it. Fortunately, my husband is absolutely worthy of enduring the weirdness.

Just to keep this on topic— younger daughter says Ex only goes to the LDS church now when her need for cash is especially acute.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/16/2023 02:34AM by knotheadusc.

We got a video this morning and younger daughter was telling us about how American chocolate gives her a headache. Last year, we sent her some Dutch processed cocoa powder from Belgium, which she just now opened. She was craving hot chocolate, even though it usually makes her feel sick.

The Belgian cocoa was a mindblower for her. Not only did it taste much better and have a richer color, but she didn’t feel sick after drinking it. I couldn’t help but think she was finally being exposed to things. Even something as simple as European chocolate is amazing to her.

I wonder if it’s going to occur to her the things she could have missed out on if she hadn’t gotten out on her own. To me, THAT’S a mindblower!

Adoptiere mich, Oma!