BIC. Married first civilly then sealed a year later. I've had 3 sexual partners in my life. 2 of those partners were in my late teens. Those 2 relationships lasted about a month each. Who knows about sex in their teens - not me! Married at a very naive 20. Shortly after marriage, sex drive tanked. Shortly as in after the first week. I faked it in the bedroom for years. Something must be wrong with me - why was sex amazing before marriage and now...its dead. I've initiated plenty of dry spells. Frankly those dry spells are a relief. Then it was having 2 children, post partum depression. Being a young mom who knows nothing about life and then experiencing overwhelming Anxiety? Check! Depression? Check! Feeling like I made a huge mistake in getting married and becoming a mother 2 X's over, CHECK! Enter therapy. I went though LDS therapy because it was bishop recommended and free. I was given the cyclical Mormon Rx which was to re-commit myself to the religion and my temple covenants. Don't leave my husband. Consider the children and my blessed role as "mother". The therapist is so sure that I love my husband despite all my questions and issues (marrying too young, not knowing about life, I don't feel attracted to him, feeling to my core I should not have been a mother, different parenting styles, feeling alone and unsupported during those years when my kids were babies, poorest of poor communication skills during those early years of marriage, and always, always going through waves of wanting to run away from it all). The years roll by. I committed myself fully to the checklist of the Church. I end up wholly empty and naturally ease into deconstruction. My bedroom life still suffers. I discover.... critical thinking. OMG. I didn't have these skills. In learning them, I drop my LDS therapist to find a non-religious one. I learn about how harmful purity culture was to me. Yet I still feel the lack of attraction to my husband is something that is "wrong" with me. I learn more about bodily autonomy, put up some boundaries like "My having a shower does not mean I want to shower with you" and "A locked bathroom door is not an invitation." After boundaries are hated, then understood, then respected (by him), I felt respected and a little more comfortable. Comfortable experimenting with roll play, words, accessories. I must be so vanilla. I must be the issue. Initially, experimenting sparks some adrenaline and excitement. However, after or on the onset of trying something new, these things ultimately leave me uninterested. The thought of it may spark feelings but the actual physical connection happens and I feel dead inside. I engage because he wants to - he will say nothing is wrong from his perspective - he won the jackpot in all areas. I think to myself " that must be nice." It's been 18 years. I'm approaching my 40's. Is a fulfilling sexual relationship really worth seeking?
I wonder though. We are financially secure. We are good friends. We've made it "this far" We learned to communicate and understand each other in other ways that were highly dysfunctional before. Why throw it all away to be sexually fulfilled with someone else? Can I possibly find someone to check all the boxes? Is this sunk-coast fallacy? God it sounds a little naive now that I read it over. I'm cringing a little bit on the cusp of posting this.
It's still an ongoing therapy discussion. If I know one thing, human relationships are messy. If I know another thing, the church really messed me up!

Marriage ruins sex for a lot of couples.

Because it becomes a bone of contention (pun not intended ;-).

You have to do what is right for you. We were so dumb about sex when we were young, then we make the biggest decisions before we have a clue what is going on. Of course church types will tell you to go to church, pay tithing, and sacrifice everything for your husband and kids.

At 40 you could be experiencing the start of a hormone roller coaster. If it is a libido issue, you might want to discuss with your GYN MD. I think it is normal to develop a different relationship with your spouse later in marriage. Hot romantic attraction fades away for a lot of folks and they end up living as friends. Who knows. Maybe you will meet someone that trips your sex trigger still. Think through what you want out of life. You only get one go at it. Protect your financial future and be wise in your decisions. The church will take take take and make your decisions for you if you let it.

That said, I'm not a therapist. I'm glad you got one outside the church. Good luck. Know at least that your feelings are not unique.

I just want to thank you for sharing your story. It is sad, poignant, and entirely reasonable. I hope you find answers that make sense to you.

Talk to Rep Boebert. She might have some pointers. Maybe vaping would help.

No one can tell you what to do, but I will say that there is such a thing as sexual incompatibility. You're in a tough spot.

sex, at least to me, is / can be a double-edged life item.

hormones, Ahoy!

if nothing else, the other marriage / friendship / partnership activities take up (ja ja) more time than boinking.

I find at my advanced age, snuggling & cuddling to be 'almost' as much good for the relationship as "O", 'but' sexual satisfaction can also be as much an individual pleasant experience as a Team Sport!!

Your story reminds me of a letter posted in Playboy magazine to the then-Playboy Advisor James R. Petersen back in the 1990s, if memory serves. The writer was female and was having trouble because she wanted to have less sex than her lover/husband.

Petersen's advice? Paraphraising from memory, he said that expecting both partners in a sexual relationship to have the exact same sexual desires was unrealistic. He noted that while society placed legitimacy in differences in other areas, it did not (and he very much blamed churches for this) recognize differences in sexual compatibility. His solution? As with other areas in the marriage/relationship, partners needed to learn to make compromises with each other in the bedroom. He noted that if such compromises could not be made, then the marriage/relationship was probably over.

I found Mr. Petersen's point about religion to be especially telling as I had read much the same thing in writings by the late Dr. Warrell C. Pomoroy (he was a licensed sex therapist and author of several books including "Boys And Sex," and "Girls And Sex,") many decades ago while I was still in high school. I have also heard over the years many preachers, both Protestant and Catholic, try to smooth over sexual compatibility differences saying that it will all work out in the end (sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't).

Like Dagny, I'm not a therapist myself, and like her, I strongly urge you to continue communicating with your non-Mormon therapist (toss the Mormon one aside if you haven't already done so) about how your sexual needs are not being met in your current relationship. It may well be that you will have to divorce your husband, and, if so, be prepared should your partner decide to have a courtfight over access to both property and children.

One other thing, and again, I am not a licensed therapist so I may be totally wrong on this. However, reading your story, it sounds as if your partner has more concern for his own pleasure than yours. If my interpretation is correct, then you need to let your non-Mormon therapist know about your partner having little or no concern for giving you pleasure. Good luck!

I was trying to think of a good analogy -- maybe cooking. Some people are good at it, some not. Of those who aren't, some can be trained, some can't. In any case, food tastes may differ widely, and what your partner thinks makes a great meal may leave you wanting.

Love and respect for your partner can make a huge difference, but it can't bridge everything.

>> reading your story, it sounds as if your partner has more concern for his own pleasure than yours.

I read it the same way.

Disclaimer: I'm not hinting what you should or shouldn't do, everybody is different.

I was in similar situation when I turned 39. I was ok with the divorce even though it was extremely painful. As it turns out, I needed to feel the passion again and eventually I did. I would say it took 3-4 years to get my head on straight and realize we both married the wrong person. My ex-TBM wife had just turned 20 when we married, I was 23.

30 years later... My wife, ex-TBM and I were drinking wine at our house (she is ex-mormon now) and unsolicited apologized for putting me through so much turmoil and raising the kids Mormon. I told her, no apology needed.

Wonderful!

Imagine having the leaders tell you to marry someone gay and that we could do this. They gave me information and made assignments. I was one of those virgins when I got married. I was 27. I learned more about sex from the bishop when I was that age than anywhere else.

So my husband leaves me after I guess 10 years or maybe sooner. He left 3 or 4 times. We now share the house I somehow paid for. I got together with a guy I had dated at my job at age 20 and we got together in 2005. He was not a mormon. He had wanted to marry me at 20. Of course, it was an entirely different experience to be with a straight nonmormon guy, but then my husband was very experienced WITH MEN. Very experienced. So is the straight boyfriend with women that is. But it was a relief to have sex with a straight man.

As I've been thinking about this, the church doesn't care if you are sexually compatible. It is YOUR JOB to keep him satisfied sexually. It doesn't matter if you are. I was told it was my fault my gay husband cheated on me. They still say that and we were married 39 years ago. It is all on the women. In the lds church women are not valued at all.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 09/18/2023 01:20PM by cl2.

Former Mormon bishop (and now ex-Mormon) Bob McCue once wrote that Mormon marriages have more in common with those of primitive societies than with modern society. The reason? The focus of the Mormon marriage is on the greater group (i.e. the Mormon church) and not on personal fulfillment. So it should come as no surprise to anyone that both CL2 and Askalice had a lot of problems with their Mormon marriages.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/18/2023 11:25PM by blindguy.

I am normally against divorce, and usually encourage people to try to "work it out". But sometimes divorce is the solution. I got divorced and my life improved dramatically in many ways.

Of course, there are a hidden costs of divorce; financial, emotional, and social. And those aren't apparent until the bill comes due.

Even though my life improved dramatically, that only came after a lot of work on myself. I had to do a lot of thinking. Where did I go wrong? What was my part in that? How do I start a new life with a new person and not fall into old patterns?

The real work came after the divorce.

Best of luck to you!

As was the usual case at BYU in the 1960's and 1970's, we married too young. I dropped out of school, got a loser job in SLC, was always broke, and finally went to my awful hometown in the middle of the Mojave desert and got a job at the mine. Best short-term choice I ever made. After that I joined the military and stayed for 21 years, before retirement and finding a job in Civil Service, where I stayed for 22 more years. Yes, it all worked out, thanks to Forrest Gump-like Serendipity. Somehow, through it all we maintained a real healthy and rewarding sex life, even with having five kids, and having to up sticks every couple of years and move to a different part of the world. And even after I left the church. Now, however, we find ourselves in the throes of trying -- again -- to re-light the flame. We are both well-preserved; my wife is great looking and has a good body, much like she had in college, and neither of us has let ourselves go. She looks 15 to 20 years younger than how she should look. But the pilot light always burns too low to restart the flame. Neither of us knows why. Truth is, neither of us is all that interested anymore in trying to maintain the love we u used to have, or even the mutual respect. I guess it happens. The challenge hurts us both, but neither is seemingly able to do owt about it. Obviously, I'm not giving advice. I'm only saying that, when two people who live with each other also love sex and don't mind looking at each other, it can be a great thing for as long as the cycle lasts.

Whether married or not, I'd suggest finding that particular man or woman you would love to love, even if it means infidelity or divorce. That's because sex is too valuable to gaff off for any reason.