I told her about meeting an actor I love at Comic-Con and she borderline makes fun of me and says stuff like "no one cares about this dude" as well as making fun of other convention goers and calling them losers. If I talk about movies I like, books I'm reading, video games, cooking, ANYTHING, she's always rude and snarky as hell about it. And then she wonders why I don't like talking to her.

I don't get it. Is she really this angry that I have a life outside of work?

She's jealous her life was consumed by the church, not her own interests.

You know, this is probably 100% the problem. If it's not spending all your time on "the Gospel" then it's useless.

Well, now you know how to win praises from your mom!

…just like we have to earn ghawd’s love by being righteous!

How old are you? This comes across as Mom trying to control a teenager.

How is Comic-Con different from General Conference? Comic-Con is better because you don't get to meet the GAs. It also has better cosplay than the Mormon temple. So maybe you shouldn't care about Mormonism either.

I think moms are programmed to be control freaks by evolutionary biology. It's not her fault that her mom never bought her comics. Tell her if you take really good care of comics, they will be worth something someday.

I would confront her about it, every time -- "Mom, you're being rude. I don't make fun of, or disparage your hobbies and interests. I don't think you should wonder why our relationship has suffered as a result."

Sounds like my mother. I think if she's not a narcissist, which I think she is, she at least has some narcissistic tendencies. I figured out that she downright competes with me. If I call her out on how she treats me, then she tells me I'm crazy, my thinking is up a creek, I just like to argue, etc. She's the one who likes to argue.

But I've been battling this for my entire life. They don't like to be called out on their behaviour. They'll just turn on you.

The only time I have ever had any success is when I've refused to engage. One time I said to her, "If you criticize me again, then I'm just walking away."

One time I drove an hour to visit her and the first thing she said to me was a criticism. I said nothing. I silently turned on my heel, walked out the door and went back home again. Everyone around us was stunned.

But it worked. She didn't criticize me as much for many years, until recent years. She's now 95 and nothing gets through to her. Her thinking is all skewed and she has become quite paranoid. She goes on the attack quite often and we get into an argument. My sister tells me that I need to learn to ignore her, but unfortunately she knows where all of my buttons are.

It's ironic that in her old age, I'm the one who ended up taking care of her. The most difficult part of dealing with someone like that is learning how to not engage. It takes away their fuel. They can't stand that, but that's just too bad. You need to protect yourself first, for your own mental well-being.

I agree with the narcissist perspective. My dad was the same way. To a narcissist, anything you earn, win or enjoy somehow "costs" them, even if it's not something that they want themselves. Attention paid to anyone else, and anyone else's pleasure, must be undermined. It's twisted, but that's what they do. They'll also try to take "credit" for your very same accomplishments.

I was 12 or 13 the first time I noticed this in my dad. I was BMX racing and actually doing pretty good in my age group. Naturally my dad made fun of me constantly. But then one day I overheard him bragging to one of his colleagues (he had no friends) that I was winning races! It blew my mind at the time, because it made no sense. I thought he didn't like what I was doing. That it was laughable, and stupid, and yet he'd brag about it for whatever feel-good social credit he could get from it.

Deny you anything; steal your thunder. That's one of the things narcissists do.

Anyway, this was obviously long before I even knew what narcissism was--it took me most of a lifetime to figure it all out--but it made a big impression on me when I did learn about it, and recognized it in action that far back into my childhood.


Narcissists are smart. If you rattle their cage enough, they'll modify their behavior (mainly to avoid their own pain or embarrassment), just like your mom did. Perhaps as she ages her filters are failing and she's reverting to her natural tendencies.

Gordon B. Stinky Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> I was 12 or 13 the first time I noticed this in my
> dad. I was BMX racing and actually doing pretty
> good in my age group.

Neat. I wanted to do that.

This was a Sunday sport, so I never got the opportunity to race officially. I got on the track on Saturdays until the official BMX racers showed up. The adults of the group ran us off their track.

>
> Deny you anything; steal your thunder. That's one
> of the things narcissists do.
>

That was my bishop as a youth. No matter how well I did in school or scouting, it was a nothing burger to him. And he told the ward about it too. Probably why church was such a downer. The leaders told us that we were losers, even when we did what we were suppose to as aaronic priesthood holders. I resent the denial of recognition.

> > I was 12 or 13 the first time I noticed this in my
> > dad. I was BMX racing and actually doing pretty
> > good in my age group.
>
> Neat. I wanted to do that.
>
> This was a Sunday sport, so I never got the
> opportunity to race officially. I got on the track
> on Saturdays until the official BMX racers showed
> up. The adults of the group ran us off their
> track.

I'm not sure what days we raced on, but shortly afterward, my dad was transferred to Germany, and there was no BMX there at that time (late 70's). I had a lot of friends with BMX bikes on the American base where we lived, and had a lot of fun, but no actual racing.





> > Deny you anything; steal your thunder. That's one
> > of the things narcissists do.
>
>
> That was my bishop as a youth. No matter how well
> I did in school or scouting, it was a nothing
> burger to him. And he told the ward about it too.
> Probably why church was such a downer. The leaders
> told us that we were losers, even when we did what
> we were suppose to as aaronic priesthood holders.
> I resent the denial of recognition.

I definitely understand what you mean.

Gordon B. Stinky Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> But then one day I overheard him
> bragging to one of his colleagues (he had no
> friends) that I was winning races! It blew my mind
> at the time, because it made no sense. I thought
> he didn't like what I was doing. That it was
> laughable, and stupid, and yet he'd brag about it
> for whatever feel-good social credit he could get
> from it.

Yes! Others will say to me, "I don't understand why your mother treats you the way that she does. She goes on an on about how amazing you are and how she couldn't survive without you."

That leaves me very confused. It's difficult to imagine her talking about me like that.

Greyfort Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Yes! Others will say to me, "I don't understand
> why your mother treats you the way that she does.
> She goes on an on about how amazing you are and
> how she couldn't survive without you."
>
> That leaves me very confused. It's difficult to
> imagine her talking about me like that.

It is odd and confusing, especially for a kid. Like I said, it took me most of a lifetime to sort of piece it all together. My dad passed away, but fortunately my "survival skills" now work with my older brother, and my TBM brother.

I was all for most things she has done except go back to church. That was a rough few years after she went back.

My long, long, long time therapist told me "this is your daughter. I don't think she does it consciously." He said to quit letting her trigger me and IT WORKED. It has been a lot of years since that happened. Four or five. And we have a really good relationship and we don't argue. I don't say ANYTHING about the church. I stood outside the temple when she got married, but I picked her husband???? No, I told her she was going to marry him 4 or 5 years before they got married and they are so happy and I adore him.

Now it is my daughter who will tell me things that bug her about the church and I just listen. I don't get into a discussion as I know where it will go.

My therapist also told me years ago that if my mother threw a tantrum to ignore it and that worked, too. He said choose to do for her what you can do and leave it at that.

If I didn't have my therapist, I don't know where I'd be. I would bet if you were still going to church, she'd find something about that to criticize you.

My mother, when she would make her biannual visits, always complained that we had too many books. We have a room with books and my musical instruments. It is a bit of a sanctuary to read and practice. To my knowledge, she never read a book in her life. Now with our 4 year old twin grandchildren, we have tons of books all over the house for them to read. They love to jump on our laps and have us read to them.

I believe folks like our mothers, criticize things they do not comprehend. There is no acknowledgment of alternate ways of living. They just have their narrow focus and lack curiosity. Unfortunate for them. My mother passed away 3 years ago. She could of had a more interesting life.

Bughuul Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I told her about meeting an actor I love at
> Comic-Con and she borderline makes fun of me and
> says stuff like "no one cares about this dude" as
> well as making fun of other convention goers and
> calling them losers. If I talk about movies I
> like, books I'm reading, video games, cooking,
> ANYTHING, she's always rude and snarky as hell
> about it. And then she wonders why I don't like
> talking to her.
>
> I don't get it. Is she really this angry that I
> have a life outside of work?

There's a LOT in this short post. First of all, my heart goes out to you.

> she's always rude and snarky as hell
> about it. And then she wonders why I don't like
> talking to her.

Dang, this really hits home. My parents had no idea what I was interested in because they never asked.

Here's something I learned, and I use it all the time. When I don't have anything nice to say, which is pretty much all the time, I'll ask the other person to "tell me more."

For example, in any conversation about money, politics, s3x, or any other topic, when the other person says something outlandishly stupid and I'm tempted to berate them with my superior intellect, I stop and say, "Tell me more about that."

Often, people have really interesting reasons for believing what they believe. And since most people have nobody in their life that listens to them, they think I'm the nicest guy in the world. They often walk away saying, "Wow, that was the best conversation I've had in a long time."

yeah, the more you let a person prattle on, the more he or she thinks, "What a great conversationalist he/she is!!"

Fascinating, EOD. Tell us more!

People that aren't happy inside don't like to acknowledge the happiness of others.

Each to their own. I can't stand things like Comic Con, and the fetishistic side of it: dressing up, celeb worship and cultism... and I think it is a poor commercial substitute for genuine mythology but... it's also not my money and it does no harm to me so not my choice.

Bughuul Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I told her about meeting an actor I love at
> Comic-Con and she borderline makes fun of me and
> says stuff like "no one cares about this dude" as
> well as making fun of other convention goers and
> calling them losers.

I missed commenting on this part before.

The irony is, other people can say the same about the "leaders" she worships, and that no one outside that group cares about them, and that members are losers, etc. It's funny how people can't see themselves the way others do.

Besides, there are probably more people going to comic-con than the morg's conventions (at least more who are enjoying themselves).



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/25/2023 03:57PM by Gordon B. Stinky.

One of my friends seems to watch endless Marvel and Transformers movies. (He's a grown man in his forties.) I've watched a few with him and they mostly seem to consist of folks/monsters/robots throwing each other around and through buildings etc. I watched "Avengers: Endgame" with him and another friend at the cinema, and told him plainly what I thought of it!!! It was dull and I could predict every plotline in it.

In return, I decided to show him "All the Money in the World" starring Christopher Plummer. He kept saying how good it was. Sometimes you have to go out of your comfort zone. It's like eating candy or junk food, it will satisfy your appetite in a while, but it won't be healthy, and there are much more rewarding things out there waiting for you if you look for them.

I suppose you are young now, but don't seriously don't want to still be a (wo)manchild in your late twenties and thirties. That would be creepy and pathetic. Those people end up being unable to cope with life or in permanent therapy.

People sometimes enjoy things that defy age or that others might consider plebian. I enjoyed teen-oriented movies (the "Brat Pack," etc.,) well into my 30s. I also enjoyed going to fan cons of a particular TV show into my 40s. A friend of mine, a retired corporate XVP, enjoyed Avengers movies well into old age. Lots of people enjoy comic-derived movies, Star Trek, Star Wars, etc.

Who exactly are you to judge? It's all entertainment. If we all shared the same tastes, the world would be a boring place. We'd also all be fighting over the same tickets to events. And plenty of people enjoy both low-brow and high-brow forms of entertainment.

  
  

I say give her a long break.

It was the bishop and his prick-opric who told me that my outside interests would lead me away from the church. They were ridiculously jealous that I enjoyed activities outside of the church. I didn't live for Saturday Service Projects or Youth Temple Trips.