So I am being way too sensitive about a “tbm” guy not wanting anything to do with me romantically, the reason why I say “tbm” is because he is such a jack behind closed doors and anywhere else. He even follows some exmo’s on social media from me stalking his page. anyways, I am trying to move on and not think about it, but he has given me so many mixed signals and still wants to be friends, so I am just confused and my mind keeps running and running, I guess you could say that he’s mean in a way and comes off as sort of abusive when he talks, so I did something really stupid, I hit on him, and now he’s saying that it’s the final warning because I did something before to fire his grill, when I was having a lot of mental problems and I didn’t mean it, but anyways, I feel like he’s not a good friend overall, even though he takes me out to dinner and stuff a lot, and he calls me his “best friend”, but it really doesn’t feel like it in a lot of ways, and he has a weird way of showing it, I just can’t stop thinking about him so much, it’s superly not fair that he says that he wants to be friends with me, but he doesn’t really contact me, I have to contact him first to get anything out of him, (unless he’s picking me up for church on Sundays), but that’s pretty much literally it, I know this is kind of a long rant, but anyways, he has given me so many mixed signals in the past and recently a lot too, it drives me crazy, they drive me crazy, I just don’t know what to do anymore really, I feel like I need to just stop hanging out with him, but then I would go crazy because I have no one else to hang out with, just wish I knew how to go about him and his mixed signals, because it drives me up the walls, should I ask him about the exmo’s he follows on social media maybe? Should I wear his favorite scent in his car or somethng? I know there is so many fish in the sea, I just really wish that he would like me back, but at the same time he smells bad and his breath smells bad and he’s rude, and he makes me wait a lot and ditches me for girls, so I just don’t know why I have all these feelings ): -any peace’s of advice would be helpful, thanks- (also forgive me, but it felt really good to vent all of this out)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/27/2023 05:32AM by beachlover.

If it's one thing I've learned in life -- it takes two. You can't love all by yourself.

So, let's review: He doesn't want to have anything to do with you romantically. He constantly sends mixed signals. He's "mean in a way," and "sort of abusive when he talks." He's "not a good friend overall." He never initiates contact with you, and he's rude to you. On top of that, he has BO and his breath stinks. Do I have all of that right?

So what's the attraction? That he pays any attention to you at all? Don't you feel that you should deserve better than this? I can tell you with a certainty that if a man is rejecting you (because that is what is happening here,) there is a solid reason for it that you are presently unaware of. In my case, when I was your age, my young man was hanging out for a wife from a rich family. I wasn't aware of that at the time, and he wasn't about to enlighten me. But I didn't qualify. I was mystified about it for the longest time. If I had only known what was going on, believe me, I would have gotten over him a whole lot more quickly than I did.

You may never understand what is going on, but you don't need to. He is giving you a firm and clear, "No." Time to move on. Keep yourself busy with interests and activities, and sooner or later you will meet new friends. When you make the effort to build up your own self-esteem, through achievement in school, work, and development of personal interests, you'll attract a better quality of man.

My best advice, from an older woman that knows his type well, RUN. You are always going to be looked down on and a thing of convenience. Take a class, join a group, MAKE NEW FRIENDS. There are people out there that will value you and treat you the way you deserve.

I can only add, RRRRRrrrruuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnn!

Then read the book "Co-Dependent No More". Great stuff in it for anyone stuck in this life.

I will for sure take a look at the book, thank you for the recommendation <3

"so I just don’t know why I have all these feelings"

I know why. You are crushing so hard on him that you are ignoring all of the red flags.

Suppose you are obsessed with blowfish because they are so cute when they puff up. Wouldn't it be better to become interested in a fish that isn't toxic enough to kill you or make your life very painful?

You are taking it personally that he's not that into you. You are finding out now, not after kids and a nasty divorce. How lucky is that? You are making it about you when it's not.

The ideal age to get married is 25. Not 24, not 26. You want to be in the honeymoon stage when your prefrontal cortex hardens at age 26. It sounds like you have time.

Maybe you have too much time on your hands. Have you considered joining a high-demand religious cult? Or get a hobby or pets.

>> "so I just don’t know why I have all these feelings"
I know why. You are crushing so hard on him that you are ignoring all of the red flags.

That's what happened to me all those years ago. The guy I was crushing on so hard was in my social circle, and I saw him often, so I thought I knew him. I ignored the multitude of red flags including behavior to me that was often cold and dismissive. As it turns out, he was cold and dismissive because he found out that my family was struggling financially after my father's death. That was not at all what he had in mind for a partner.

In a way I'm glad that my family didn't have oodles of money. If they had, he might have turned on the charm, which he had in abundance when he chose to, and I never would have known his true nature. He ended up marrying a very nice girl from a rich family, and I wondered if she ever figured it out (sadly, she died at a young age.)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/27/2023 11:32AM by summer.

Beachlover, I am sure you will think this is crazy but I SWEAR it applies to your situation. I know you are going to think "What the hell does this have to do with me? It's about SISTERWIVES!" But please, do yourself a favor. Watch it. Watch it to the very end. It is what Summer and I are saying, with examples. It's wonderful when you can learn from the mistakes of others so you don't have to make them yourself. As Bradley says, you are lucky to find out and understand these things now before you make further investments of time and emotion. Can you imagine having kids with this guy? So please, watch this, think about it, take it to heart.

Vent, ask questions, we are here for you :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-apyWZJ8rzA

"he’s mean in a way and comes off as sort of abusive when he talks"

"he smells bad and his breath smells bad and he’s rude, and he makes me wait a lot and ditches me for girls"

Wow. This guy's a real prize. Blue-ribbon stuff, he is.

----

"I know there is so many fish in the sea"

True, and a lot of them don't literally stink like your current flame.

----

"Should I wear his favorite scent"

Which is what, horse manure and dried sweat with a soupçon of skunk spray?

Lol I could pretty much see that, but it’s
Smoke coming from the environment, probably burnt anything, wet dog probably, and cinnamon



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/27/2023 02:02PM by beachlover.

Great. Sounds like it can be marketed as "Charnel No. 5."

Actually there have been a few guys I was friend with who acted like this. They were mostly mormon guys.

I know what happened to a few of them and not what happened to others. Two of the married in their late 40s or early 50s and I knew them when they were in their 30s. They also were after women who came from rich families.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/27/2023 02:23PM by cl2.

There's some very wise advice in this thread, beachlover, and I can vouch for the wisdom of the majority of the posters here. There is of course another problem: he's a mormon.

Run!

Soft Machine Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> There is of course
> another problem: he's a mormon.

Haha. It takes a nevermo, rather than exmos, to point out this very obvious and should-be-fatal flaw! Made me laugh. Sorry, as I know the situation you're in is no fun. It's always awful and often hurtful to pine away with unrequited love.

I second the comments that there's very good advice on this thread already.

Sad as it is to contemplate, our feelings let us down, often even, and so they are not the best indicators to use when making serious and life-affecting-and-changing decisions.

Sometimes our feelings mislead us by not really arising from what we think they do - I mean, you have feelings of attraction or love or lust or desire or all the above and you attribute them to this guy but when you list all the negatives in the equation (his general unattractiveness is how it comes across to impartial readers) it's obvious that whatever you're feeling is not centered on his actual physical being.

Try to take some time away from him no matter how hard it may be. You may be surprised how the feelings will dissipate (hopefully they will do so) and you will be able to see more clearly that what you are longing for is not him.

Also, try going out and about to a good few social gatherings where you may meet other interesting people who will restore your balance in terms of desires and priorities.

You can also ask yourself if you really want to settle for some guy who doesn't treat you well (and/or is trying to be unattractive to give you a message).

My advice (and I don't give advice often!) is Don't Settle. Move on. Mix much (meet lots of others). Don't be in a rush. Just try to have a little fun for a while. Most important of all: Work on seeing your own value. You're worth far more than the negative messages this guy is sending out.

Work on being the best you. Value yourself.

This is coming from another woman. It's my opinion.

Men may disagree, but this is my feeling.

If a guy actually likes you, they will initiate contact. You won't have to be the one to always call/text/talk first.

If you are not a Mormon, and above the age of 21, go to a bar or some other place to meet people. Go dancing. Use on of the apps for dating and find someone who may actually be interested in you.

If you are under 21, you still have a LOT of life to go. Drop the guy and love your life. Join a club or some sort of society to find friends. Go to a Library and join one of their book clubs or social groups. Go to a fitness club and join on of the fitness programs or groups. You probably will end up with friends that you can talk to if you join groups and clubs.

It sounds more like you need friends than you need this guy. Go and find some.

If you are Mormon, some of my advice probably is still good.