Okay, so I had two macadamia nut and chocolate chip cookies today with an iced latte. The combination was pretty good, but I realized afterward that I needed to punish myself for this indulgence. It seemed like an appropriate punishment to read three verses from the Book of Mormon (one verse for each--one for each cookie and one for the latte) to see how they look to me now that the intense conditioning of my Mormon childhood seems to have dissipated.

Well, I knew it was bad. But it's not just bad...it's, like, reeeaaally bad.

Here's how this pinnacle of spiritual literature looks to me now (comments/observations are in brackets):

1. I, Nephi, having been born of goodly parents [[It's always a nice touch to say something good about the parents, gets the reader thinking you're a nice boy or girl. So far, not too bad.]],

...therefore I was taught somewhat [[only somewhat? Why not a lot? What's wrong with Nephi's parents? I thought they were supposed to be goodly!]]

...in all the learning of my father [[I guess we're supposed to assume that Lehi had a lot of learning, but that's not what's being said here. Could be that he was a kind of semi-illiterate redneck or hillbilly and that's why his boy is doing all the writing.]];

...and having seen many afflictions in the course of my days [[I guess we have to assume that they were epic afflictions of biblical proportions to merit being mentioned in the first verse of the most important book of scripture on earth. But since there is no elaboration, Nephi may just be referring to some acne or a recurring rash or dandruff, or all of the above]],

...nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days [[Okay, he's seen many afflictions, but he's also been highly favored of the Lord in all his days. Seems a bit confusing, but give him the benefit of the doubt.]];

...yea, [[True story. The Book of Mormon is where the Beatles got the idea for much of the lyrics for their early songs. Yea, yea, yea....]]

...having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God [[He's only been taught somewhat, but he ended up with a great knowledge. Way to go, Nephi!]],

...therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days. [[Who talks like this?? I make a record of my proceedings in my days??? How about "I put into writing an account of the eventualities encountered by me in the sequential passage of experience that is contemporaneous with my existence"? Yeah, that's better. That's more Nephi-like. I was worried that he was getting all Hemingway on us with that terse bit about the "record of my proceedings in my days." Can't have that. ]]

2. Yea [[more Beatles lyrics]], I make a record in the language of my father, which consists of the learning of the Jews and the language of the Egyptians [[Really, what the hell does this mean??]].

3. And I know that the record which I make is true [[Sounds like he's scared we'll think he's fibbing. Why would he be trying to persuade us right off the bat that he's not lying and bullshitting us? Seems a bit odd...and suspicious.]];

...and I make it with mine own hand [[What? No secretary? No stenographer? No dictaphone?]]; and I make it according to my knowledge [[So not really coming from the guy in the sky, then. Thanks for that confession.]].

-- . -- . --

So, I read the first three verses above and made a record of my initial exmo reactions with mine own hand and according to my knowledge and I concluded that the Book of Mormon really is something. It's like a flaming turd, only without the flames.

;o)

"Yea" is pronounced "yay." The Beatles used "yeah," pronounced "yeh." Your entire argument is therefore invalid.

(This criticism brought to you by the FARMS School of Logic and Argumentation.)

is that they would have pronounced it as "yeah" in 600 BC. John Lennon knew this because his first wife studied deformed Egyptian as a hobby.

Interestingly, Joseph Smith apparently pronounced it the Beatles way when he got it through the peepstone. But his scribes kept leaving off the "h".

An entry in Oliver Cowdery's diary indicates that this was the case: "And then Joseph lifted his head from the hat after a particularly long session and looked at my manuscript. He looked consternated and said, 'where the h?' I didn't know what the h he was looking for, so we moved on."

Gorspel Dacktrin Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> is that they would have pronounced it as "yeah" in
> 600 BC. John Lennon knew this because his first
> wife studied deformed Egyptian as a hobby.
>
> Interestingly, Joseph Smith apparently pronounced
> it the Beatles way when he got it through the
> peepstone. But his scribes kept leaving off the
> "h".
>
> An entry in Oliver Cowdery's diary indicates that
> this was the case: "And then Joseph lifted his
> head from the hat after a particularly long
> session and looked at my manuscript. He looked
> consternated and said, 'where the h?' I didn't
> know what the h he was looking for, so we moved
> on."


No, no, Yoko was the one who is into Egypt, not Cynthia

Yoko comes from that area of the world:

Nehemiah 6:2

"That Sanballat and Geshem sent unto me, saying, Come, let us meet together in some one of the villages in the plain of Ono. But they thought to do me mischief."

The Plain of Ono was a notorious hotbed of Deformed Egyptian stuff.

;o)

The Book of Mormon story begins at 1st Nephi around 600 B.C. “in the commencement of the first year of the reign of Zedekiah, king of Judah.”

According to the Bible, the year before, King Nebuchadnezzar had carried “all Jerusalem” in captivity to Babylon including the king, the king’s mother, the king’s wives, the king’s officers, all the princes, all the men of might, all that were strong and apt for war, and all the craftsmen and smiths.

Nebuchadnezzar leaves behind only the “poorest sort of the people of the land” and makes Zachariah king to govern them.

Nephi says that his father Lehi had “dwelt at Jerusalem in all his days”. So somehow he and his family had avoided being carried away with the rest of Jerusalem. Perhaps they were among the “poorest sort of the people of the land” left behind. Perhaps it had something to do with Nephi being “highly favored of the Lord”. Avoiding captivity may have been part of the “many afflictions” Nephi says he had seen in the course of his days.

Nephi says that he is writing his record on metal plates in the language of his father Lehi which consists of “the learning of the Jews and the language of the Egyptians”.

The above average seminary student may wonder why a Hebrew man who had “dwelt at Jerusalem in all his days” would teach his children to read and write Egyptian?

Much has been written on this “reformed Egyptian”. However, suffice it to say that later the Book of Mormon explains that the metal plates were not large enough to use Hebrew characters so reformed Egyptian characters were used because they took less space.

The above average seminary student might ask why they did not just write smaller? Why did they use so many words to say so little? Why didn’t they make the plates bigger? They seem to be capable – Nephi says he made his plates with his own hands.

Nephi says that “I know that the record which I make is true”. The above average seminary student may ask herself how many other biographies or histories begin with the assumption that future readers may doubt its veracity.

Nephi spends 10 of the 20 verses of Chapter 1 writing about his father Lehi’s visions and dreams. Lehi has enough prophetic visions and dreams in the first 20 verses of the Book of Mormon to last the average Old Testament prophet a lifetime.

Nephi gives little in the way of details or specifics concerning these visions and dreams – only the effects these visions and dreams have on Lehi which cause him to quake and tremble and praise God.

A curious reader may wonder what constituted Lehi’s great and marvelous visions and dreams. Nephi declines to give any details. Instead he prefers to make “an abridgement” of the record of his father and concentrate on telling the story from Nephi’s point of view.

Unfortunately, to date, Lehi’s records remain lost to the ages.

Tune in next time when “Ziller’s Guide to 1st Nephi” continues with Chapter 2.

ziller

Hence the visions and quaking and trembling -- not to mention the auditory hallucinations.

Ziller's Mormon Concordance?

Oh, if I still prayed, I would pray that this would come to pass in my lifetime by the might and power of Ziller...

Anagrammy

The first 10 pages of the BofM were Joseph Smith's litmus test. It contains an account of a band of people who broke at least three commandments, all for a higher purpose. They coveted, stole, and then killed someone in the name of god for these brass plates.
Joseph Smith figured that if someone were willing to believe that, they would believe anything.

I read the BoM with my TBM wife shortly after having my eyes opened about the church (probably to help me get the spirit back) and I remember reading a verse that talked about the Lamanites being cursed with a skin of blackness. I raised the red flag, and my wife told me that a BYU-I professor taught her that the black skin was not the curse, and was just a result or something - the actual curse was separation from God. I then re-read the verse with her and pointed to the wording that specifically stated that the curse was the black skin.

We don't read the BoM together anymore.

...therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days. [[Who talks like this?? I make a record of my proceedings in my days??? How about "I put into writing an account of the eventualities encountered by me in the sequential passage of experience that is contemporaneous with my existence"? Yeah, that's better. That's more Nephi-like. I was worried that he was getting all Hemingway on us with that terse bit about the "record of my proceedings in my days." Can't have that. ]]

My mom says the BOM is so well-written that there's no way Joe Smith, that unlearned farmboy, could have written it. hehehe...

"I make a record in the language of my father, which consists of the learning of the Jews and the language of the Egyptians"

You know, after brother Joseph dictated this he stopped and pulled his face out of his hat, and asked his scribe if in ancient times there really were Jews in Jerusalem. He was told that yes, there were Jews living in Jerusalem. Joseph then looked relieved and said "Good, I thought maybe I was deceived."

This story is powerful evidence that this humble farm boy did not make any of it up.

Sincerely,
Denial C. Saltpeter

Maybe I should follow your lead. I think if I were to make myself read the BoM every time I ate something "bad" I would be back in my skinny jeans in no time.