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Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum.
I remember when I went to the temple for the endowment. At the end, after seeing the people in the seats glossed over, we did the other stuff (Sorry, I am still decompressing), I asked myself, 'What the hell did I just participate in?'. I regret not giving my recommend in right then.
I almost removed my garments and folded them up, and left them there. That's how whacked I thought I was after. I should have left then when I found out what it was, what it really was. Evil permeated the place, but my ex told me that she would leave me if I quit. So I stayed in. I did temple work, and paid my meager tithing. I did everything I could to build Zion. I really did! My brain would help me undo everything 7 years later.
The sayonce was the thing that undone the core of it. The sayonce was known as witchcraft to me, because I investigated the entire endowment about a year before.
At the end of it all, I knew I would leave, after all my ex was not pregnant, the break would be clean. My illness and God told me that I needed to get out. That I would be judged by love, not excessive works, works that did not matter.
I didn't leave because I was in love with my wife at the time. But after 6 years of lies, by both the LDS Church and my wife, my brain could not hold. It let go...
My shelf had cracked that day.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/26/2023 07:50PM by lousyleper.
I almost removed my garments and folded them up, and left them there. That's how whacked I thought I was after. I should have left then when I found out what it was, what it really was. Evil permeated the place, but my ex told me that she would leave me if I quit. So I stayed in. I did temple work, and paid my meager tithing. I did everything I could to build Zion. I really did! My brain would help me undo everything 7 years later.
The sayonce was the thing that undone the core of it. The sayonce was known as witchcraft to me, because I investigated the entire endowment about a year before.
At the end of it all, I knew I would leave, after all my ex was not pregnant, the break would be clean. My illness and God told me that I needed to get out. That I would be judged by love, not excessive works, works that did not matter.
I didn't leave because I was in love with my wife at the time. But after 6 years of lies, by both the LDS Church and my wife, my brain could not hold. It let go...
My shelf had cracked that day.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/26/2023 07:50PM by lousyleper.
I swear. I could write a memoir on this stuff.
Yeah, the temple was kind of a creepy shock to many of us. It was my wedding right after going through for the first time, so I didn't want to say anything to wreck my wedding.
It definitely felt cultish and my gut was telling me it was not OK. But, I managed to convince myself that Satan created cults so that people would stay away from the temple. How's that for grade A mental gymnastics!
It definitely felt cultish and my gut was telling me it was not OK. But, I managed to convince myself that Satan created cults so that people would stay away from the temple. How's that for grade A mental gymnastics!
I can understand the temple. It's there to press the brainwashing in a bit more, to make the members comply. Then the sealing (my wife fought for it) was done. Knew it due to a Google search. I felt bad, because I was going behind my wife's and church's backs.
I was frantic some days, as I made those covenants over and over again. I was the convert, I was to save my parents, and all that would believe me. They needed to believe me. Because if they didn't....
I would be to blame if I missed any person, and did temple work for every single person I could find. I became a records extractor, getting pages and pages done (I think I processed 30 pages a day).
I was frantic. I felt I was running out of time. I felt like if I didn't save every single person on the films, I would lose my family. I wrote a really pathetic faith promoting fiction book. It was my first work, but it made me happy.
For a moment, I felt resolved. A week later.....
It returned. It was pointless. My ancestors were just a set of numbers. When I became a member I was taken to the SL Temple , and was baptized for 600 ancestors.
I was frantic some days, as I made those covenants over and over again. I was the convert, I was to save my parents, and all that would believe me. They needed to believe me. Because if they didn't....
I would be to blame if I missed any person, and did temple work for every single person I could find. I became a records extractor, getting pages and pages done (I think I processed 30 pages a day).
I was frantic. I felt I was running out of time. I felt like if I didn't save every single person on the films, I would lose my family. I wrote a really pathetic faith promoting fiction book. It was my first work, but it made me happy.
For a moment, I felt resolved. A week later.....
It returned. It was pointless. My ancestors were just a set of numbers. When I became a member I was taken to the SL Temple , and was baptized for 600 ancestors.
The live acting endowment is a serious mind fuck.
From the start to the finish, I faithfully anticipated the ultimate supernal transcendence that had been promised to me for my entire life. I anticipated it until the ultimate moment, when the temple workers hurriedly, and I felt prematurely, pushed us out of the celestial room.
I couldn't ever consider the temple in the same way after that, and suspected that a lot of people were lying when they bore testimony of the temple using the accepable Mormon cliches.
I couldn't ever consider the temple in the same way after that, and suspected that a lot of people were lying when they bore testimony of the temple using the accepable Mormon cliches.
The whole thing was insane. I have no idea why I did it. I did it for them, my ancestors.
But there was also my Patriarchal Blessing. That if I remained faithful, my family would convert. That I knew Christ, and I promised Him that I would follow Him and the teachings of the Prophets at all hazards, everyone I knew would be saved.
But there was also my Patriarchal Blessing. That if I remained faithful, my family would convert. That I knew Christ, and I promised Him that I would follow Him and the teachings of the Prophets at all hazards, everyone I knew would be saved.
I love genealogy. Not for the Church, but for history. I could read book after book of history, didn't matter where. The States, etc.
When I hit watered down records, I'd sit there until my eyes had adjusted to the writing on the sheets of paper.. whenever I made copies, the same trickworked, but it was black and white. Adjusting took an hour or more. I prayed when I did the work.
I guess you could call it a gift, or saying that I really knew what the hell I was doing. Many missionaries at the Family History Library, felt I was 'gifted'. I learned very quickly how to read the records when they were given to me.
Transcription was the first thing I learned. Then I learned was how to really understand the records. I worked for Ancestry as a second job, in the era of floppy disks.
I would transcribe records there, so it got easier to learn.
I've recently debated whether I should become a genealogist, a professional. But I realize I would not get very far these days, because of the internet.
I realize now, I was preparing to mitigate for a potential psychotic break.
Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 11/27/2023 11:04AM by lousyleper.
When I hit watered down records, I'd sit there until my eyes had adjusted to the writing on the sheets of paper.. whenever I made copies, the same trickworked, but it was black and white. Adjusting took an hour or more. I prayed when I did the work.
I guess you could call it a gift, or saying that I really knew what the hell I was doing. Many missionaries at the Family History Library, felt I was 'gifted'. I learned very quickly how to read the records when they were given to me.
Transcription was the first thing I learned. Then I learned was how to really understand the records. I worked for Ancestry as a second job, in the era of floppy disks.
I would transcribe records there, so it got easier to learn.
I've recently debated whether I should become a genealogist, a professional. But I realize I would not get very far these days, because of the internet.
I realize now, I was preparing to mitigate for a potential psychotic break.
Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 11/27/2023 11:04AM by lousyleper.
I made it back a few times, but not many, 4 or 5 times. My husband was trying to keep from cheating and he told me my not going to the temple would cause him to be unable to resist temptation. I got it from all sides. But I just couldn't keep going there. I got to sit in the foyer for 40 minutes the last time I went and that is when I meditated and never went back. Stood outside my daughter's wedding 5 years ago. Raised her and her brother as a single mother. If they said I could go in even without paying my tithing, I would have said no.
One of the first things I thought when the endowment first started was "This is not the church I was raised in."
The temple was the WORST part of it all.
My husband was the executive secretary (cheating with men and all--I wouldn't allow to go talk to the bishop about it--we had enough of that before we got married as I knew before and we went through a bunch of crap with the leaders and I would never talk to a leader again about him being gay. So he stayed in as ex. sec. and he went to the temple on bishopric night and I DIDN'T. He is still not happy with me for not going as he always had to make an excuse for me and I said just tell them I don't like going.
One of the first things I thought when the endowment first started was "This is not the church I was raised in."
The temple was the WORST part of it all.
My husband was the executive secretary (cheating with men and all--I wouldn't allow to go talk to the bishop about it--we had enough of that before we got married as I knew before and we went through a bunch of crap with the leaders and I would never talk to a leader again about him being gay. So he stayed in as ex. sec. and he went to the temple on bishopric night and I DIDN'T. He is still not happy with me for not going as he always had to make an excuse for me and I said just tell them I don't like going.
I learned quite a lot from my ex's attitude before the end of the marriage. I should have let her choose whether to stay in, but being out, as early as 2004, I remember that things turned into a large tailspin.
I forgot that one of my son's was not sealed to us, which I showed her that the Church had no power, I got a temple recommend renewal. I also realize that Nelson is in the place of God in the Church.
Making reference to the three men in the lone and dreary world. It was a way of showing that God was in control, but at the same time, the top three (first presidency). Mimic the Godhead.
Then there is the 2nd Anointing and such. I used to think that the entire ritual was just stupid. God said He would judge by the love in your heart. Even though I am Buddhist.
'Give us your money and we will guarantee you will be with your family in heaven! Just follow the Prophet!'. Oh what makes the families in heaven thing so funny to me now, is because it's not scriptural. Crist said that all are angels. No mention of family unit.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/28/2023 12:15AM by lousyleper.
I forgot that one of my son's was not sealed to us, which I showed her that the Church had no power, I got a temple recommend renewal. I also realize that Nelson is in the place of God in the Church.
Making reference to the three men in the lone and dreary world. It was a way of showing that God was in control, but at the same time, the top three (first presidency). Mimic the Godhead.
Then there is the 2nd Anointing and such. I used to think that the entire ritual was just stupid. God said He would judge by the love in your heart. Even though I am Buddhist.
'Give us your money and we will guarantee you will be with your family in heaven! Just follow the Prophet!'. Oh what makes the families in heaven thing so funny to me now, is because it's not scriptural. Crist said that all are angels. No mention of family unit.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/28/2023 12:15AM by lousyleper.