Many of the stories here are inspirational. Getting out is the best thing for people. I realize this is not the only way to celebrate being free from a CULT.

But I seem to be having issues with being out, It's like being lost on a dirt road, with two ways to go in front of you.

I am now at this intersection, one is going back to LDS Inc and the Safety I had, or to continue to forge my way forward, acknowledging that I am who I am.

Being rejected by a support network, other than my therapist,and mom, was heartbreaking for me. But I realize it was all fake. No real friends. My best friend from 1995, he dropped me as a friend, because I left.

I have a stable friend, but he is taking care of his family.

Then I came here, writing out my 'process'. It's hurt me more than everything I've ever gone through.

I Feel like I have nowhere to go. I feel isolated. I'm meeting with my therapist on the 18th. I just feel like things are going backwards. That I'm on a bumper car ride, with a ruthless operator.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/05/2023 02:29PM by lousyleper.

There's more than one way to leave the church and everyone's journey is different (some are easy and other's are difficult).

It took me 5 years to drop the guilt that was imposed by church leaders for making the decision to leave the church. Yet, I had every right to be angry about a church who left me high and dry after my house burned. I also felt trapped by confusion and conflicting emotions.

It becomes easier as time goes on.

After hearing Bruce Donkey McConkie speak at a stake conference, I realized that I had ZERO interest in being in any "Heaven" that contained MORmONS, or in being around MORmONS at all.

I understand how you feel, lousyleper.

The price for having integrity can sometimes be loneliness, but there are ways to meet new people and enjoy associations with sincere people.

I don’t miss the former associations, because like you say, they were phoney; they wouldn’t give a glass of water to a drowning man.

There’s a peacefulness not being bothered by home teachers who asked us:”would you like us to be your friends or just home teachers? What kind of a question is that??

TSCC is a business, but worse than that, it is a cult. Pat yourself on the back and think that it’s a positive thing that you left. I’m proud of you that you were brave to leave.

This forum has been extremely helpful to me as I navigated my way out. I’m sure you’ll be getting a lot of good advice and support from everyone here.

For some reason the whole thing bothers me, because I left close to bad terms with the ex. There are some days that things are going to go haywire if I even get out of bed. My mental illness is controlled by meds, but the second part, the therapy, is what is going to be hard, if not downright impossible. Because now, I don't have a core belief.

I have tons of issues. Issues from the programming of my brain by LDS Inc, to my sexuality, to who I want to be. Everything was stifled when I went into the 'church'. When I became a number. A tithe paying number.

Believing it all was a lie, is difficult, because it's what defined me for 10 years. I was still relatively new when I met my ex at the single's ward. We were married within one month after meeting.

Then I started a new job, and the feeling of belonging were reinforced by one person working in the same department. I want to become interesting. Not for the church, but for myself. My brain is interesting, because of schizophrenia, even though it is hell to live with.

Did everything that happened really destroy that core belief in me, and replace it with a fake belief? A false sense of belonging, that would be reinforced by guilt for so many years?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/05/2023 04:28PM by lousyleper.

One thing that I've learned in the ten years since I left the church is that leaving isn't really an event, it's a process.

It's taken me years to become comfortable with the fact that I'll always be affected by the church. It shaped me. I spent the best years of my life devoted to it. I still think about my experiences in it every day and that's just how it's going to be.

I don't know how long you've been out, but one thing that I can promise you is that you will not be the same person next year that you are today. I felt like I was a strong person when I first left the church, but a decade later, I am infinitely stronger and have grown and learned about myself in so many ways. But it was all baby steps. I don't regret my decision to leave AT ALL.

Church leadership is always telling members that it's easy to leave the church and hard to stay in. That is probably one of the biggest lies told in the church. Leaving was the hardest and best thing I've ever done even though the price to leave is steep and I often feel like I continue to pay the price. But as time goes by, the price feels more and more worth it. Living with integrity feels amazing.

Good luck to you. Stay the course. It is worth it.

I feel like I lack my core makeup, because of schizophrenia, and obeying the church for so long. There really is no 'me' right now. I was the church, I was the good convert that would do temple work for the rest of his life. Callings: Scout Master, baptistry worker, veil worker, and other genealogical callings.

I was embedded in the culture, ready for my next calling, endowment actor..

So many people were mad when I left, because I would focus on my callings, but maybe they were envious of what kinds of stuff I did. Who knows.

I really have no beliefs right now. No real moral compass or anything. I hate not having a purpose.

Regarding friends, a true friend will not care about what religion you do or do not practice. I've sometimes gone for years without discussing faith matters with very good friends. What you had in the church were what I call "situational friends," meaning that the church was a critical reason why you were friends. It's the same thing when you leave a particular job -- you might keep up with some people, but not others.

I would disagree that you have no moral compass. I think that you likely have a very good idea of how to conduct yourself and how to treat others. Have you heard of the book, "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten"? It's kind of like that. Share, be considerate, include others, don't take what isn't yours, etc. Be a good human!

You can find purpose in your life, but you will need to generate that, and it's not normally the work of a day.

that my ex divorced me because of our disagreements. I realize there was something else too. It was weird, because when I left, she came after me. I mentioned that she wrote her resignation letter.

I asked her, now that the letter was done, sent or not, to go and find herself. To find out who she really is. It was her chance to fly, even if there was a possibility that we wouldn't stay together. Her self-discovery was what proved impossible. She could not separate herself from the church, even though I felt I was going to witness her flying out of my life.

I figured that we would be a world apart, as she continued to watch Little House on the Prairie reruns on KBYU, and me, working to become a professional genealogist.

I realize that we were not compatible. She locked herself away in a time capsule from then on. For another priesthood holder that also believed that black people were the ones rightly called the N word, wished the same thing as her family, that the end of the world was going to ensure them liberty.

Beliefs aside. Throughout our marriage there were stop signs flashing. I forgave her... She not once forgave me for anything.

I don't hate her. I realize also, that there is tooooo much emphasis on getting married, having kids early. Because we followed it as a message we needed at the time.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/05/2023 06:14PM by lousyleper.

It sounds like it's a substantially more peaceful existence without her. You outgrew her. It happens.

I thought about that. A greater feeling of accomplishment is the fact that I am back to school. I feel good about it, and I am doing well in it.

I start Chapter 4 (out of 15 chapters) tomorrow in my Intro to Psychology class, and I'm in the high 90's when quizzes are taken. Chapter tests show me as 92 to 97 percent, with an average of 80 percent higher than other students so far.

I found a groove. Completing a chapter every other day is nice.

Not bad for a 46 year old. ;)



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/05/2023 09:08PM by lousyleper.

Going back to school as an adult can be scary at first, but soon you realize that you've got it. You treat it like a job. I had a far better GPA in grad school in my 30s than I had as an undergrad.

I almost did not graduate high school. My illness was misinterpreted as depression, because I didn't say anything about the hallucinations, I was too scared, because they said, if I mentioned them , they would kill my family. The high from Prozac did not help either.

But when I went to college, I held a 3.74 GPA, out of the 4 classes I did take at SLCC back in 2002-2004.

I have my next classes filled in, Intro to Sociology 1010, Criminal Justice 1010, and Criminal Justice 1330. I will be doing one at a time, unless I want to slightly increase the learning level, plus a little extra stress.

I will be doing math at the same time at Khan Academy. I need to relearn Algebra 1, and elevate it to Calc 1. Then take a placement test, to hopefully take a higher class than MATH1040... Intro to Statistics.

Thankfully I have a while. I reoriented my start date to Fall next year. I'll see where I am at when it gets here.

But it's slowly taking shape one class at a time.

BTW, 4 chapters complete of 15. Holding at 96 to 97 percent overall. Better than 80 percent of enrolled students in the class.

Yes, tooting my horn!



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/06/2023 02:01PM by lousyleper.

Mormonism can provide an identity and a support group but you have clearly decided that they are of a kind you do not want to have. There are plenty of replacements out there which can fulfill those needs. There are service organizations, volunteer groups, and even other churches that would welcome you with no more demands on you than you are willing to give.

I have spent time over the past few years with a young man (to me he is a young man) who suffers from paranoid schizophrenia. I have seen some amazing changes in him which I put down to the support friendship he has received from many. You have bravely taken a step to control you own life. Don't stop stepping out now. You have the control.

that I need to make a choice as to where my feet are going. I believe in God, yes. But it's not the Mormon God, or bible or any other type.

It's a personal God. Maybe subconsciously, that I can bounce ideas off of, or just 'hear' talking. In one of my processing posts, at the end I said 'And I was screaming'. My personal God heard me. I figure there's billions of faces to God. Every view is different, even a non view. People are free to believe what they want. Ymmv.

Reminds me of a multifaceted D&D character.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/05/2023 09:31PM by lousyleper.

have you ever considered EMDR therapy? It might do you a world of good.

Can it be found on YouTube?

Sorry for being abrupt. I am trying to plot my general ed courses for an AAS in Criminal Justice. Then I am going to work on my Psy101 class.

Again, I am sorry. Getting kinda stressed.

I got nowhere else to go!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=T575Pbo4eWM

The first thing I realized after my shelf collapse was there was no going back. I desperately wanted the church to be true but that was impossible.

Now, after 12 years, I could go back under a new paradigm. If I could handle Mormon blather which is unlikely. But maybe that's me. I could learn to engage the way you would at a five-year-old's tea party.

I will not go back. I made that promise to myself. I had to move on from that, or risk spinning my wheels even more.

I have a friend that understands where I am coming from. He is not married, in a singles ward, but is not interested in marriage because of all the drama from my marriage. He heard after the fact from me.

He told me it's OK to leave, and take a breather, and then return if warranted. He never held it against me, unlike the other friend. He said he was getting sick of all the talk about him not being married, but in a family ward. He is thinking of moving wards.

He is a good guy.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/06/2023 02:04PM by lousyleper.