I cried, and went to sleep when we got home. It took a lot out of me. Next appt.. Letting Go.

I will learn how to safely let my kids go, one at a time.... And that will take multiple sessions to do so.

Then, I will gain skills to let go of my ex. Multiple sessions will take place.

Finally, to let my entire past with the church go.

All of them have coalesced into one big hodge podge of despair for me.

I confirmed that she is NOT Mormon.

I am aching. Hopefully soon, that pain will be removed.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 12/18/2023 10:01PM by lousyleper.

Thank you for the update. I am rooting for you.

A number of people on this board have benefited from therapy, and I hope that you do as well.

Few have experienced the heartbreak that you have with the children. I can't imagine. It's time for you to heal and move along to a good life you deserve.

I'm glad you are working with a therapist. It sounds like a good thing!

That it's going to be exceptionally difficult for me, That it will require me to deal with their deaths and the associated feelings of loss (not allowed to the funerals), and we don't know where their graves are. All that information has been withheld.

My ex was very cruel. It's the first time I have said that about her. Not providing me closure is the worst thing she could have done.

My therapist also said, I can do it when I am ready. That I don't have to rush. She said that I should write, to be able to process things.

I didn't sleep well last night. My watch usually is able to tell me the quality of my sleep. There needs to be at least 4 hours of sleep data on it and it said I had less than four hours. I'm not dreaming.

Our therapy sessions will be weekly when the healing process can start.



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 12/19/2023 04:32PM by lousyleper.

LL, refresh my memory. How many children did you have (or do you have?) Did they all pass away? How did that happen? And why were you cut out of attending the funeral(s)?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/19/2023 04:29PM by summer.

3 kids. All of them passed from blood disorders. One was missing a blood clotting factor. I think it was prothrombin #9.

My second died of AML, acute myeloid leukemia

My third son, died of neutropenia - he could not generate enough white cells, when he got any type of infection.

I almost got taken out, but the ALL Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia ALL is A type of cancer of the blood and bone marrow that affects white blood cells. But it was caught early.

I feel like it was all my fault, because somewhere in my grandmother's line on my dad's side, my aunt had hemophilia. Two of my cousins died due to blood clotting issues.

The *absolute* main reason I want to do genealogy, is to find out what the hell happened on the DNA Level, and to find where it came from on my grandmother's side (dad's mom), and who may have started it.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 12/19/2023 04:17PM by lousyleper.

If I'd been through what you have, I'd be in the loony bin or dead. What a burden to bear.

In the circumstances I think you demonstrate immense strength.

It makes me sad that he instilled it in me, every time I cried.

He also is from the 50's. He uses racial slurs, and he's not even white.

But, it may not be, because when I was a teen, he told me that I would die if I were gay in any fashion.

He calls my a specific word when he is in distance.

He acts like a 2 year old.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/19/2023 04:38PM by lousyleper.

But I feel that l live for them.

I am fan of board games, especially thinking games.

My first boy, took a chess piece, the White Rook

Second, took the white bishop

And my third took a white pawn

White colors in my life meant purity.

Their love of peaceful music, made them. It made them so innocent.

Any time I play, I play the white pieces. But the side switches in tournaments. I can't picture them as black pieces.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/19/2023 04:18PM by lousyleper.

It's like all three are guardians for me.

Places around the valley. My psychiatrist said he hopes to never have to refer me to the state hospital. He said it's a very sad place.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/19/2023 04:48PM by lousyleper.

LL, you've been through more than should be asked of any one person. I know that you miss your kids. I'm very sorry for your losses.

I think it's great that you are making efforts to rebuild your life and move forward.

that are supporting me with school. First person is you, summer. Many other, like dagny, and others

dagny, summer, Soft Machine, Nightingale, Beth: these and others would understand much of what you are going through. And I suspect most, almost all, respect and support your academic endeavors.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/19/2023 05:04PM by Lot's Wife.

Hehe!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/21/2023 06:04PM by lousyleper.

I went back to school in my mid-30s, and started my new career at age 39. And now here I am, able to retire whenever I wish to, with a decent pension. I get it, I really do.

I would keep my covenants, and that I was a general in training, and that life would be extremely difficult. That if I held true, I would be rewarded with a seat next to the Savior.

It's sad, because if that we true, I gave up. Oh well!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/21/2023 06:24PM by lousyleper.

Best of luck, Lousyleper - and I'm one of the many here who are pleased you decided to stay with us. Sometimes debates get a bit rough here, but you have certainly come to the right place to find intelligent, caring ex-Mormons who understand where you're coming from (not me, I'm a nevermo). I wish you strength and release.

She referenced my background in writing. She asked me what I liked to write. I told her that I typically write fiction.

Éven though it's been a while since I've written, she said there is no harm in it, and would be therapeutic for me. At least until our next appt on the 15th.

My kids rubbed off of me it seems, May we all be able to meet together sometime. Like a huge exmos party! When is the next conference?

The conferences stopped a number of years ago. Sometimes exmos get together. I don't know the details.