At the end of summer 2003, I was driving home from SLC and tuned into an NPR interview with Sally Denton on her book, American Massacre. At some point, they included comments and questions. Someone mentioned Brigham Young and blood atonement. Another caller interjected information, also new to me, about Joseph Smith’s polygamy. That got the ball rolling. Got on the Internet and was overwhelmed by a torrent of issues; within a few weeks, my belief came crashing down.

I continued to study, told my bishop about my doubts at tithing settlement, and called my stake president, a close friend, one month later. He said, you can have your doubts but, if you ever teach anyone about them, you know what I’ll have to do (a clear threat of convening a “court of love”). I wrote a letter of resignation that night but held onto it until October. Notarized, signed, and mailed on the eve of the exmormon conference in 2004. Church records acknowledged my resignation eight weeks later. Received reply on December 2nd.

Just decided (and it wasn't a sudden realization) that I didn't wish to compete with all the asshats going to Mormon heaven. I would rather be in outer darkness with ordinary people.

Everyone I know who told a bishop or SP about their doubts almost immediately were warned about heavy consequences is they conveyed their doubts--aka new found facts--- to anyone else. Heavy warning about not infecting the herd--or else!

I know several that, like me, were told by parents to keep your mouth shut around your siblings, or else. Don't you dare harm their testimonies!

What does that tell you right there?


My answer to your question is the MoF. Got rid of my testimony in minutes after one certain chapter. I was suddenly floating. For me it was the best news ever.Thank you HG for finally doing your job correctly. Wait. That was my gut.

I would hear some factual tidbit about the Mormon church or history like that (JS, BY, weird teaching, etc.). First I would defend the church assuming they were lying about the history.

Then I would look it up, expecting to prove them wrong.

Then I would be LIVID that the church didn't teach the entire story. I was surprised that from Sunday School, Seminary, BYU religion classes, and the few books by GAs I had read, only the "faith promoting" bits had been taught to me.

Then I was embarrassed that I had defended the fact and made a fool of myself.

But what really got the ball rolling was my husband's subtle comments about women's role in the church, an anthropology class, and learning about world mythology.

That darn anthropology. It has a lot to answer for.

My deconstruction from Christianity:

1. In my early to mid-teens, I started to read feminist literature. This convinced me that the church of my birth saw women as being "lesser than," and I had no desire to treat myself in that manner. I reasoned that a just God would treat women as we deserve.

2. From my mid-teens to my early 20s I studied world religions and philosophies. I started to see that people around the world had very different ideas about spirituality and how things work, and that those ideas were often appealing. I started to see that Christianity wasn't all that.

3. From my 20s to 40s -- I worked through a load of induced Catholic guilt. I started to see that the hyperfocus on ridding oneself of sin is not a healthy way to live.

4. From my 20s to 50s -- I realized that much of the Jesus story is myth. But at the same time, I felt that he was an advanced spiritual teacher.

5. Age 60+, my final deconstruction -- I realized that Jesus was really only interested in helping his own people, and was at best indifferent to the gentiles. He was not the person I thought he was.

>> What Got The Ball Rolling in Your Deconstruction <<

Being born into a mormon family and listening to my dad explain Joseph Smith and the history of the church when I was about 6 or 7 years old. I innately knew it was made up and that it wasn't for me. I pushed from that point on until they let me drop out at 13 years old. The only time I spent in it after that was going on a mission at 22 years old, which was a great coming of age experience for me. I dropped out again for good after getting back and after a temple marriage.

It started for me when I went on my mission, I found the people I met and taught were just as good or better than any Mormon I knew. I put all that on my shelf, but I knew it was there everyday of my life. Slowly and surely experiences began to pile up. I stayed for keeping peace in the family and my marriage.

I am an Accountant and my thought process is highly structured. All things must make sense and balance, if they do not, then you question what is causing the imbalance. I began to put all those years of experiences and observations into columns and rows in my mind. During my second marriage I began to inch away, since my second wife understood and appreciated my need for structure, truth, and responsible behavior. If it breaks, I fix it.

The final nail was the day a bishop ordered me to pay all back tithing per his calculations from paycheck stubs I was to retrieve and be back in his office in 30 minutes. I stood up, told him in a way to bite me, and I left. I then went onto the internet, researched everything I could find on the church outside of church sources, and all those columns and rows of data in my head did the final line up and matched. Anything left on my shelf by that point was swept away.

From that 30 day time period of researching, I found I was 100% done. No more partial attendance or anything else to keep the family happy. I just walked away, and never explained myself, and never will.

" . . .on my mission, I found the people I met and taught were just as good or better than any Mormon I knew."

I love that line because that is exactly what happened to me. I felt more like most of them should be "saving" me in stead of vice-versa.

I looked around the chapel when I was twelve, and I realized I didn't like any of the people. I would avoid them on the streets. This is awful, I thought. These are weird and bullheaded people, including my father.

Don, I’m so sorry. You had such a rough childhood in TSCC, at school, and at home. My dad converted when I was 15 so he was 42. I’m fortunate that church didn’t define our relationship. He was always a good provider and father figure. He was the one active family member who sincerely listened to my issues, understood, and supported my decision to resign at 44 years of age. In fact, he told me, “you did what a man has to do.” I sure miss talking to him. We had weekly phone calls until he passed in 2008.

  
    
  

Looking back, from the time I was young, I always had issues with the church. I disliked the misogyny, the idea of polygamy, the pressure to pay tithing, the way church members worship leaders, the class system in wards and so much more. I really don't think I actually liked much about the church, but I just kept it to myself. I assumed the problem was with me. The church was true and I had to figure out a way to fix my thinking.

One day probably over twenty years ago, I was flipping channels on TV and came across a show on the Discovery Channel about the Masons. It showed a reenactment of the Masonic ceremony. It was exactly like the temple ceremony. That definitely got my wheels turning.

Not too long after that, I came across Shawn McCraney's "Heart of the Matter" show on TV. He mentioned things about the church that I was sure were lies, but I decided to investigate on my own. Sure enough, he was right.

The members of the Gospel Doctrine class I was teaching. I asked the class why it was that the "one true church" that carried his name did not talk about him much (this was back in the early 80s) the way other churches did. The answers shocked me including one that was: "Other churches talk about him a lot because that's all they have."

The Book of Mormon.

The BoA papyri did it for me. I was a science nerd, with a side interest in linguistics, so I understood carbon dating, and that hieroglyphics could now be read and translated, etc. I was excited that now (circa 1967) we could confirm or refute the claims JS made about the BoA.

And they were all refuted, with zero ambiguity. Hugh Nibley furiously tried to cover that up with an academic tap dance, but his “research” was absurd, if you actually read the footnotes, which I did.

As soon as I got out of BYU, I never set foot in a Mormon church again except for funerals.

Most people have never heard of the BoA and wouldn't care much if you explained. I get how staggering for a TBM to get hit with the facts about it.

Cuzx, 2004 was the first exmo conference I attended. I remember you talking about your recent resignation. Nice to see you pop in to say hi. :)

I actually mailed in my resignation the day before the 2004 conference. Later that evening, I met two RfM members IRL for the first time in Ogden. After that, we used to eat regularly at an Italian Restaurant on 25th Streen in October. Such good people. We had the same last name, which brought us together. That's why I changed my RfM name to Cousin Exmo or CuzX. Sadly, they passed away in 2022 & 2023, after 55 years of marriage. And, as I've posted before, my wife passed away last April. We were married for 45 years. At least we had that. 2023 was truly the hardest year of my life.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/08/2024 11:19PM by cuzx.

I read "The Golden Bough"

Basically the book looks st primitive religious beliefs common across the world.

The prominence of a god-king/priest-king that has to not only die, but have their blood saturate the ground to renew the harvest is among the most basic religious beliefs.

Coupled with that, the renewal deity often resurrects.

I read do many ancient stories of gods dying and returning that I realized the Christian mythology is no different.

Whether Osiris, Ishtar, Jesus or any of a hundred others, the concept was the same.

A deity that requires spilt blood is beyond my comprehension.

Wow. That book is not an easy read.

The Golden Bough has been criticized on several scores, most importantly Fraser's tendency to make data from exotic cultures fit patterns he learned closer to home--like Micronesian rituals interpreted through Hebrew lenses--but given that it was first published way back when the Mormons adopted the Manifesto, it's held up exceptionally well.

I wrote about the annual death of the god and the consumption of his body--which were necessary for the world's vernal rebirth as well as the reincarnation of the dead--on RfM several weeks ago. My point was precisely the one you make here: no matter what Jesus was and did, the religion he founded was soon transformed into a run-of-the-mill mystery cult of the sort that was all over the eastern Mediterranean in the early centuries CE.

Viewed with that in mind, what is striking is God's lack of imagination. One would expect his "true" religion to stand out a bit more from all the cults.

https://www.exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,2501929,2501929#msg-2501929

But,but butbut but . . . . Our religion is different! Can't you see that. Our God isn't like the others. He's the real one!

At some point a ball was rolling in the Church that was damaging to my mental health.

What started the ball rolling? The entire concept of being worthy (or conversely, unworthy) of anything and everything to do with the Church and by extension as a father or family member. I am a capable person in every other aspect of my life. Yet I must go to a place that decides on a weekly basis that I can or can not perform a ritual of eating a cube of bread in front of my children? "Mommy, Daddy didn't have any bread! Why didn't Daddy have any bread?"

The conditions that most bishops judged me "worthy" meant that I could have the sacrament maybe ~3 times/year. Otherwise, "No soup for you!" It is just too depressing to experience that failure so frequently.

Yes, you can have a temple recommend. Sorry, I must take your recommend. Eventually, I decided that my relationship with Christ did not involve the temple. I would have a recommend or not have a recommend. Regardless, I would not set goals to attend. What a relief!

A second revelation was a discovery that Church leaders had no inspiration for me. Our son had special needs. If we were honest, his mother has the same affliction. Some ward leaders had compassion for our situation. Others could only read from a manual about what was expected of our family regardless of our circumstances. Anyone at a Stake or General Authority level was clueless. Their only prescription was more Mormonism when we struggled to go home after Church and make a sandwich.

Finally, I saw the light when I saw a LDS Family Services counselor. I was ready to quit the Church because the only other alternative I could see was suicide. The counselor confided in me that what I was struggling with to be "worthy" was only a sin if I was working to improve. AH HA! What a revelation. All I had to do was keep my mouth shut because what the bishop doesn't know about is OK?

This counselor was a Stake President in another province. Why hadn't bishop after bishop shared this special Church program with me? Wouldn't it have been much easier on both of us?

By then I was ~15 years into the Church. I hung around for another ~15 years because unless I was present to monitor the Church's influence on my family and children their influence through their TBM mother would have been unrestrained.

That is hard to read. They treat the most sincere people the worst. At least that is only your past.

When I consider who I was when I joined the Church, I realize that I was incomplete. While many converts are financially poor (approaching poverty), I was the top student in my class, succeeding in university and on my way to success. However, I was socially awkward and lacking confidence (so poor in other ways).

I genuinely wanted to learn about God. While a member of the Church, I learned many important concepts. The fallacy is that if God is real I could have learned those lessons through other means. The Church needs to recognize that God works with everybody however it can be accomplished.

The Church transformed me. I couldn't have conceived of 20-year-old me voting against my local leaders in sacrament meeting. Another meeting I vocally objected, "NO!" to the ward plans and repeated "NO!" every time my wife dug her nails into my leg.

When I left the Church by age 52 I was much more assertive. You have to be assertive with the Church or it will swallow you whole.

I contrast with my wife (now ex-wife). Her life mission was complete at age 20 when she was married in the temple. She developed no other goals the rest of her life since her calling and election was made whole.

Nice. You sort of confirm "that which doesn't break you makes you stronger. I share a lot of your sentiment. I got a lot out of being Mormon and some of it I consider I needed. Sure there are other ways to get it, but that still is one way and that's the way I got it. Thanks

Prayer didn't work. I figured that out at 5 as discussed elsewhere here.

Then the BoM/DC confirm the wackiest parts of the Bible that are easily falsifiable. The scriptures aren't scriptural.

Trying to be an even more faithful busy mum of a house full of little ones and my husband was never home. I decided to studt and learn about women in church history. Joined an online LDS bookclub and "in sacred loneliness" was the first one we did. Wow, that started an even bigger interest but everything I found was awful. Then trying to make sense of it and peace was impossible

I understand, Kerri. To me, as a nevermo, it was a horrifying, frightening book because it showed the hardships and emotional sterility of so many early Mormon women's lives, all in the name of religion? Impressive faith, certainly, but for what?

Deconstruct is such a good way to put it.

After reading this thread the thought occurs that it is as important to read the back of the box with Mormonism as it is to read the ingredients on packaged food. Well, only if you care about your mental health as much as your physical.

The removal of the "Use by" date was a clever ploy by the church, but obviously people are figuring it out!

Not only is "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark", but the state of Utah has its share of rotting, decay, and festering as well.

Luckily the church issues virtual nose plugs so one can continue to dine.

Actually, it started while on my mission. I had a former SS Soldier for a mission president (I’m not kidding) who treated the missionaries like prisoners. About six months before I came home I had a lightbulb moment, that maybe there isn’t a god and this is all bull scheisse. I came home with all the due glory that a returned missionary, who didn’t jump in front of a train (one actually did in my mission). I went back to college, and of course registered for Institute (or as my heathen friend would say…Instrafruit). It was in an institute class on Mormon history when the teacher pointed out the five different versions of The First Vision. His comeback was “Can you see that he was just trying get the right words to describe it?” I walked out and gained a testimony that it was all bull scheisse.

Dallin Oaks and his evergreen program. So utterly disgusting.

Already? You have to be kidding.

I never had much to deconstruct to begin with. My 2 semesters at Ricks and being confronted with "being worthy enough for a mission ultra Mormonism 24/7" kick started my journey out of the cult. I was NOT going on a mission and told anyone who asked.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/04/2024 12:24AM by Lethbridge Reprobate.

Found out the guy I was dating was gay. Went to talk to the bishop about it. He had no answers and from there on out what they did and how they acted was actually against what they taught me all my life. They wanted me to find out if the boyfriend could get turned on by a woman and the bishop gave us assignments, which we did one of is all. I not only was raised as a good little mormon girl, it isn't who I am to follow what they told me to do.

We realized not so long ago that both of us got married to survive as the leaders were destroying us. They tried. They didn't win.

My therapist said "We tested mormonism to its limits and it failed us." He is an exmormon.

I didn't deconstruct. Rather, I gave up on trying to construct. The parts and pieces were poorly fit together to begin with. I simply had to finally admit that it couldn't be true. Then it all made sense.

+1 That is why mine fell apart in an instant. And was a relief. I was the only glue holding that mess together.

I was a total TBM. The church was literally perfect. GAs met with Jesus.

One day I decided that I didn't want any of what the church offered. My own CK fiefdom, exaltation, a spirit harem, etc.

That gave me permission to investigate. I noticed that there were cracks in the facade. How could that be? If the church is perfect, why are there cracks? Research on the Internet led me down the rabbit hole. There was no going back even if I wanted to.

Today I know the BoM to be a man made synthesis of 19th century thought, not an ancient record. What continues to amaze me is that Mormon faith produces miracles even though it is based on pure fiction. So in a way, church leaders are right. Facts don't matter. However, to me, authoritarian douchebaggery does matter. I am still better off without them.

> What
> continues to amaze me is that Mormon faith
> produces miracles even though it is based on pure
> fiction.

You'll need to provide evidence of that, bradley. A bald assertion won't suffice.


--------------------
> So in a way, church leaders are right.
> Facts don't matter.

See above,

Atheism is a luxury not all of us can afford. I tried though.

That's not the question. The question is whether you can defend your assertion that:

> Mormon faith
> produces miracles even though it is based on pure
> fiction.

Can you do that? Can you prove that Mormonism "produces miracles?"

Just being alive produces miracles. Some of them get attributed to Mormonism. Note that “miracle” is a very squishy term, and it can be attributed to practically anything. Seagull throws up on you, build a monument.

When I look back, I could say polygamy in general started the ball rolling, but my mind was too young, I think I was 10 years old. But I remember looking around the church at all the girls and thinking, "geez, all these girls actually believe that they have to be married to a man with many wives. That would suck to be a girl."

Many years later, I was doing research on one of the apologetics websites where they had subject matter links to click on. I saw "Polygamy". I remembered that I never had a lesson on it and I wanted to hear some explanation of it. I clicked on the link, and it showed me a sub-category called "polyandry". BOOM! The house of cards crumbled down.