My long term relationship came to an end about two years ago, and I did not feel ready to re-enter the dating scene until recently.

As a result I have not asked a woman out for, literally, 30+ years.

I understand that things have changed since I last asked a woman out in the last millennium, but I'm wondering how I should feel about this...

Two months ago I bit the bullet, and asked a woman out. Someone I used to work with briefly. During the time we were colleagues I thought we hit it off. And although my radar has been out of service for a long time, the last time we spoke I thought for sure she was sending me signals (dropping into the conversation how long she's been divorced, and what her favorite type of restaurant is...)

I didn't have a phone number, so I sent an invite through Messenger. Is Messenger a no-no for some reason?

I have no interest in dating apps, but if I understand dating apps correctly, it is very easy to just ignore anybody that you are not interested in. Has this seeped into dating culture in general?

I ask because I never heard back from the lady in question.
Being unconnected on FB, I know my message went into her message requests folder. When I didn't hear back, I asked a mutual FB friend to send her a message to check her requests folder.

When I never heard back after that, I emailed her work email (last resort) to ask her to check her request folder.

But nothing. Two months of silence. Obviously the most obvious reason is that she's not interested, that I'm not as devastatingly handsome as I've always thought.

But Ladies, has it become the norm that if you are not interested you don't even bother with a "no thank you" and just ignore being asked out? Or should my feelings be a little hurt?

I'm asking this anonymously instead of asking people I know directly because *I think* the fact that I didn't even qualify for a rejection makes me look like a complete loser.

Maybe she thinks there is nothing she can extract from you. The juice isn't worth the squeeze. Be grateful she doesn't have your balls in a vise.

If the last guy had no other option but divorce, where does that leave you? He already did your due diligence for you, but you're like "Nah, I feel lucky".

You have to consider who you're being rejected by. If cannibals don't invite you to dinner, that's not necessarily a bad thing.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/13/2024 05:48PM by bradley.

Last thing most women want is to be dependent on a man.

I wouldn't take it personally. Yes, it's fine to use Messenger. She may not have seen your message or may not be interested for one reason or another. If she was not interested, she may not have known how to handle turning you down.

The younger people all use the dating apps. You might give one or more of those apps a try.

If she actually did receive the messages, she doesn't sound very nice!

I would respond to a phone message or a text asking to chat. I'm so tired of scammers everywhere that I don't even read most stuff, let alone respond.

But yes, most people respond to an invitation with a thank you at least. Don't take it personally. It says more about her than you being a "loser" or rejected.

Maybe she only likes to flirt and isn't actually serious about hanging out with anyone. Maybe she's the one who feels insecure and scared of trying out dating again. Maybe she likes to be chased. Who knows, You shouldn't have to play her reindeer games.

Women don't always realize it takes courage to approach someone and risk being rejected or ignored. The ball is in her court. My guess is that she blew a nice opportunity for a possible relationship.

Good luck. It sounds like you are doing things just fine. There isn't a right way, from what I can tell as an observer.

Edit to correct spelling error.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/13/2024 06:37PM by dagny.

I am not FB savvy at all. I have found people I knew in other jobs or social situations. I sent messages to a few of them via messenger and I never heard back from them at all. In one instance, I connected with them in a different way and found out they had never seen the message. So, perhaps your message never showed up in a place that she was able to see it.

It could also be that she's just not on Facebook all that much.

Well she hasn't updated her FB in about 4 years, but even so, I just thought everybody has Messenger now that we are living in the future.

    Maybe she's like me?  If I thought someone wanted to date me, I'd assume there was something very, very wrong with such a person!

I know! There are so many parties I would have liked to attend but didn't because they invited riffraff like me. ;-D

Masochism at its finest!!!

Oh. Hmmm. Okay.

Being asked out out of the blue (when was the last time you spoke?) on messenger is kinda cringe.

If you have her work email, you could have called her to say hi, just to catch up. First contact via internet can be a bit unsettling. Then you had a mutual friend ask her to check her messages. Then you emailed her at work. I’d be carrying my mace right about now.

I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU ARE DANGEROUS!

Just moving too fast and too persistently with someone who, I guess, remembers you last as being married.

You only worked together briefly. She may have been attracted to you, but who knows what may have happened in her life since you last spoke?

It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with whatever she’s dealing with in her life and has dealt with since you last spoke. It’s not like you were confidantes, right?

Please leave this one alone.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/13/2024 11:30PM by Beth.

I’m a member of a hiking group for my area and age cohort. Also there are hiking groups through Washington Trail Association, and I’m a member of a group that erects fences for dogs that are tied out and their owners can’t afford to create a run or fence their yard. Workgroups go out and erect fences for free and help get dogs spayed and neutered. I’m part of a foraging group, a group that picks up trash in the city…basically you can find things that interest you and meet people with similar interests. Friendship first.

^^^ This is the only web based way I’d consider meeting someone.

ETA

Tinder is for hookups. It’s also a good way to get ruffied, raped, and rolled. Ok Cupid, etc., are rife with fake accounts and catfishing. Don’t do it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/13/2024 11:41PM by Beth.

You see...this is why I'm asking. I need feedback like this.
Ladies, is Beth right, was it cringe?
And to clarify, we were both divorced last time we spoke, and it was about 2 months from then until I messaged her. Not years.
My intuition was yeah, whatever is going with her life, she's not interested for whatever reason. I accepted that a wile ago. My question was mostly whether it has become the norm to not reply at all, or whether I should take it personally.

Apologies.

Okay. So, I am not on messenger even though people are given the opportunity to message me. I don’t get notifications or anything like that. I was off FB for five or so years, and I have the privacy settings locked down as much as I can. I have a sticky post that tells people that if they message me, I’m not going to get it.

Not sure what happened with her. Being ghosted can be hurtful. Totally legitimate feeling. You can’t help but take it personally. You put yourself out there to a degree and didn’t get a response. I’m sorry.

Now dust yourself off and think about things that make you happy. Through that you might meet people who make you happy and you them.

Given that you last spoke two months ago, I think it was fine that you reached out to her about dating. It could be simply that she's not on Facebook all that much. Or, if she responds to you, she has officially linked her Messenger account with yours, and she doesn't want to do that. Or, she never checks her message requests and doesn't know where that is or how to do that.

I would just move on and try someone else. Again, don't take it too personally.

Thanks Summer.
Yeah, I'm gonna just tell myself that she never saw the messages.
And that I am as devastatingly handsome as I have always been!

My current enamorato made the point to me that I chose him. (He confesses that he groomed me.) Looking back, I realize that was true for every major relationship in my life. I made the move. I'd say, watch for a signal that a lady is interested.

We call it geriatric dating because of, well, you know all the little issues that spring up in late life. 2 beds is where it's at.

“Online Dating After 50 Can Be Miserable. But It’s Also Liberating”

I only skimmed it. Anyway, this is a gift article that will get you past the NYT paywall.

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/15/magazine/dating-after-50.html?ugrp=c&unlocked_article_code=1.kk0.Q9O5.zDfZvb2Ho8tQ&smid=url-share

You are awesome Beth. Thanks for all the replies.

Just a guess, based on the limited information.

Either she doesn't want to go out, or she didn't see your message.

My experience dating after 24 years of marriage was very different to say the least. I tried a few dating apps. I found them to be a horrible waste of time. It's not my thing.

I joined a group of people who were studying Japanese in Tokyo, since that's something I do. There was one woman who was interested in me, but I was not interested in her.

The particular issue I had was one-itis. That means getting so focused on one person that I thought she was the only one for me. So I'd focus all my attention on her, making myself available when she was free, and being very liberal with my spending on dates. I had really moved up in my career, so it was nice to be able to spoil women on dates.

But being hyper-focused on one woman was counter-productive. I have no idea what it's like from a woman's perspective, but I got the feeling that I was not giving off the type of vibe that made her want to date me. I got friend-zoned, and she called me to cry on my shoulder when her boyfriends dumped her.

I had it all wrong. Life was passing me by.

So I completely gave up. I went on a lot of 1st dates. Coffee. Lunch. Chilling in the park. I would even grab coffee with a woman from work that I had no interest in dating. I just needed to learn how to be around women again.

AND when I found the woman I wanted to be with, I was not worried whether she was going to go out with me. If she said no, I had 3 other women I could invite for coffee. In fact, the day I met her, I was waiting for another woman to join me at Starbucks. When that woman was late, I walked over, got her info, and then waited a short time to message her. We hit it off.

We'll celebrate 10 years together this year.

Thanks TB.
My thing is I just don't feel ready to make the effort, but I thought I'd give it a try for this one woman. But definitely not one-itis.
I will keep your advice in mind for if/when I decide to re-engage.

Maybe she was abducted by aliens.

That's what they always say.