I've lurked for a while and finally created an account.

I am an ** active ** member of the COJCOLDS.

I show up for meetings.
I smile.
I shake hands.
I do every calling that I am asked to do.
I bear my testimony.
I pay my tithing.
I nod my head and agree with stupid things that people say.
I do not question.
I sing the songs.
I clean the building.
I read the scriptures.
I shovel the snow.
I attend the temple.
I give blessings.
I do not rock the boat.
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I have not believed any of this for decades.
Totally living a lie.
I'm caught in a trap and I can't walk out...
---

I'd like to participate here to retain some sanity, get your point of view, make a few thoughtful comments plus many sarcastic ones.

** lieguy **

Welcome.

Lying is a very valuable survival tool. What are you surviving?

There is the old story about staking elephants to the ground when they are young and can't pull the giant stake out of the ground. Later when they could pull the stake out they still think they can't and so they stand there tethered when thy could easily yank it out and walk away. But knowing you can pull the stake out and still standing there is another story. Liking being controlled? Maybe for the hay? Or, the funeral potatoes?

For me neither family nor anything else was enough to continue a lie. I hit the ground running the second I figured it out. Never wanted the kind of family and friends who couldn't like me for being me. I liked me. That was enough.

Wish you well whatever.

Cannot say I have an answer. Each of us has our own demons in the closet.

But I can give you this for whatever its worth.

What I gave up has not exceeded what I have gained.

But then again (for me) I do not really care about social norms that have no real value. So I am not prone to guilt, shame, or threats if the offender tries said methods. Which in turn results in my telling the offender to bite me in a direct but non-hostile way.

I have a few bishops, one Stake and Mission President, who can testify to that reality.

So why am I telling you this? Because this enabled me to walk cleanly away. I was considered a problem and nobody cared nor ever followed up when I stopped showing up. And my second wife has never brought the subject up.

LDS Corp. really, really, really......hates independence.

Welcome to the board. We are glad to have you. You are not the only one walking this path. Some members stay in to preserve family harmony and maintain community relationships. Everyone has to make a decision they can live with. You have my sympathy.

A lot of us understand your situation.

My husband played along for years, waiting until I figured it out on my own.

There are a lot of reasons people keep up the charade for family, career, and cultural reasons usually. At some point though, it eats away at you. I didn't want to hurt my elderly parents by rejecting the only thing they thought was important in their entire lives. Others feel honestly is more important. Everyone needs to handle it the best way they can for the best outcome.

I can tell you that cutting off the hold Mormons had over me was the best thing that has happened in my life. I cringe to think that I could have spent my whole life on that Mormon hamster wheel of nonsense. The world is much bigger. There is so much to learn that Mormonism keeps suppressed.

Happy journey, whatever it is for you.

I was you once upon a time. While I always encourage people to resign their membership, I can think of plenty of reasons to stay in and be an active or inactive active member. I suspect you check all the boxes for reasons to stay in.

Do what you think is best. I always smile when I see that phrase because it more or less supposes we have some sort of Magic 8 Ball, and actually know "what is best." We're all making our best guess, and our best guess may well change over time.

We're happy to serve as a sounding board/decompression chamber. And we are also testament that leaving is indeed possible and survivable, even if it looks like an impossibly high obstacle when facing the prospect. But yeah, some relationships are probably going to suffer. I left at the same time I was moving to another state, so relationships were changing anyway. I think that happens a lot.

Pull up a chair.

I found it interesting to go down your list and realized I am a bit out the door than you. Here is where we differ.

I show up for meetings. SAME
I smile. USUALLY
I shake hands. NO PROBLEM - I'm a friendly guy.
I do every calling that I am asked to do. NOPE - I turn down callings that are too time consuming or require me to bear testimony (bishopric, EQP, High counsel)
I bear my testimony. NEVER - that's where I feel I can't lie.
I pay my tithing. SORT OF - I let my wife pay based on what she thinks our income is...it works out to to just over 1%.
I nod my head and agree with stupid things that people says NOPE - I rarely participate in classes or discussions...Praise the smart phone.
I do not question. NOPE - I just don't participate
I sing the songs. Only the ones I "like"...ex Christmas songs
I clean the building. NOPE - Refuse, or just don't show up if they assign you.
I read the scriptures. NOPE
I shovel the snow. NO NEED - No snow here
I attend the temple. ONLY FOR OCCASIONAL WEDDING
I give blessings. AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE...I pass the vial of oil to someone else,
I do not rock the boat. Yeah, sure!

How can you stand it?

My level of non-commitment works for me. It keeps the wife happy-ish and her ultra-TBM family at bay.

That's good. You've found a way to make it all work for you both.

I just found it all quite mind-numbingly boring and so repetitious it really irritated me. And not very exciting. Not that I expect religion to be all that exciting maybe but at least not bland, mundane, boring, repetitious and uninspiring if at all possible thank you very much!

But I had no reason to stay in so it was easy for me to just slip away.

Finance Clerk Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> I pay my tithing. SORT OF - I let my wife
> pay based on what she thinks our income is...it
> works out to to just over 1%.
>

That's, uh, interesting. I know it's not the topic of this thread (Welcome lieguy!), but what are the reasons to not be on the same page with one's spouse re: finances?

Ya...seems odd, aye? My wife pays tithing on what shows up in our joint bank account that she manages(net paychecks). If I get a bonus, it goes in that account as well. She knows we have other sources of income besides our paychecks (all legal and legit) due to good planning and a couple businesses. Some of that extra income is left in the businesses, but as S-corps it still transfers to my tax forms and I pay tax on it...just not tithing. When the businesses sell (one has), there is a nice windfall that is rolled right into stock market investments. Some of the extra income is in the form of stock dividends and re-investment. Although she has access to it, it stays in a brokerage account and she is somewhat oblivious to it. It ain't perfect, but it works.

I have accepted all those callings, bishop, eqp, hc, and many others.

I am amazed at lack of insight and discernment of the leaders who called me. This was one of my fist big clues.

When you called are to be EQP, the bishop recommends you and the high council and the stake presidency approves.

When you are called to the High Council, it's the same except you are called by a member of the stake presidency.

Same goes for Bishop, except you are called by the Stake President. Additionally, bishops are approved by the first presidency. At least that's what they say.

So the centenarian leader of the church prayed and said, "Yep, that's our boy! Now he as a TESTIMONY!" The stake president showed me a letter from the first presidency saying they approved and that they knew what a good job I would do.

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And these guys have revelation?
---

I'm also amazed about people who I set apart or gave a blessing to over the years. "I really felt the spirit," they said. "How could you know that I needed to hear that. I haven't told anyone about that." It was completely random.

I found if I payed attention, it almost worked like a cold reading from a fortune teller. People hear what they want and they seek validation and match patterns. Some happy thoughts are common to everyone. If it did not apply, they did not hear it.

I have consoled myself by believing that people chose this church. I am validating their choice. It makes them happy.

That's wish thinking.

Anyway, kudos on drawing the line.

Everyone had great comments on the OP. I wish I could say I give myself the forgiveness that they so. I feel like a bad guy.

--lieguy--

Don't leave, we need moles on the inside.

Welcome. All are welcome here as they are.

(btw, I was in a bishopric when I showed up here over a decadeago.)

You only get one life. We all have to do things we don't want to do. That's life. But you might want to check the percentage of what you want to be against what you are.

"Would I be loved if they knew?" That is the question I had to know the answer to. To be or not to be.

I told my family when I was 24 a year after getting out. It was traumatic and rough. The elephant in the room when I visited home was in the middle not the corner. At the end of his life my dad made a point to tell me how much he liked me and was proud of me. I already knew he loved me but being liked was everything. Much more to me. As Mormon as he was, Dad was deep and non-judgmental. My Mom not so much. I worked hard and forged the best relationship I could with her. She was happiest when it was only over the phone.

I'm not giving advice at all. But I wonder. Sometimes don't you just really want to find out?

Shawshank Redemption.

When Andy after crawling through a pipe of filth and stench finds himself standing in water with rain coming down. Raising his arms up he turns his face upward into the rain and takes in the moment of pure freedom.

That is what it is like to leave Mormonism!

That is it. I never saw that movie but I know the feeling.

The second I realized the church was false I felt like fifty thousand tons had been lifted off of me. I swear I was floating. All I could think was, "It's over!"

How can I stand it? I’ve actually heard that before, nothing new there.

Cypher: I know what you're thinking, 'cause right now I'm thinking the same thing. Actually, I've been thinking it ever since I got here: Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill?

There's nothing wrong with sticking with the devil you know. It's safe, it's predictable. I thought the same thing you did: "OMG, my whole life is a lie!". Well yeah, that's the game for everyone. You only get to choose which lie to believe. The lie isn't the problem. What the lie does to you is the problem. Doesn't your knowledge give you a kind of immunity?

Most of us here believe in the Enlightenment. That's a bigger lie than Mormonism could ever hope to be. Feudalism, colonialism, and subjugation through power only morphed into new forms. At least Mormonism attempted to solve that problem before totally selling out.

Welcome!!

Living a lie is no way to live.

There's the rub. To thine own self be true, but what are you willing to lose? Everything?

The words of Pete Townshend come to mind.

I'd gladly lose me to find you
Gladly give up all I got
To catch you, I'm gonna run and never stop

I'll pay any price just to win you
Surrendered my good life for bad
To find you, I'm gonna drown an unsung man

I call that a bargain
The best I ever had
The best I ever had

<Keith Moon's otherworldly drumming>

Yes, living in the light of day, not pretending is a life-defining step.

I gained massively more than I lost.

Most of all, that 20 years later I can hold my head high.

That alone is worth everything.

Or Bob Seiger. "Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then". Against the wind.

I'm a nevermormon, like several regulars here.

Welcome from the southern Alberta Moridor.

Welcome lieguy,

I don't know how you do it, the thought of sitting through another church meeting listing to that watered down bs, no thanks! I'd rather stick my twig and berries in a cuisinart.

Welcome to you from the California bay area

Welcome here,

It'll be nice to hear your perspective of in and out at the same time.

I've found this site to be interesting. Just remember, like any other social group this place will have good, bad and ugly (I'm the Ugly?). My experience here is there is a lot of info here on what is currently happening in the church.

However it can be depressing with a lot of the negative, flame wars and such that happen from time to time. Reminds me a lot of high school cliques from back in the day....

Have fun here, enjoy.