I ran across this Dr. John Delony call with an LDS woman. She had 8 kids with her husband, sealed in the temple, the whole thing. They go on a trip, and the husband has a mountain bike accident, sustaining a traumatic brain injury. He's almost died a few times, but is now stable, yet has no short-term memory and no emotional connection to his wife or kids...

This woman asks whether she should remain with him or divorce him to pursue other relationships for this life, but not an eternal marriage, which she still strongly believes in. Dr. John also mentioned the marriage vow "in sickness and in health..." which really got my wheels turning.

So I'm curious: How would you counsel this LDS woman, given what you know about LDS theology and culture?

Video is just under 30 min.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gUUJN8bH-bg

To add a bit more context/flavor to all of this. A woman cannot be sealed to more than one man in Mormonism, but men can marry more than one woman. Both Oaks and Nelson are sealed to multiple women...

Are women ever encouraged to marry for life only in the LDS church?

As a side note, I know a woman who was married with a family, and the husband suffered a brain injury while riding a motorbike on a dirt road. He hit his head on a road; kind of fluke accident. He lost his entire memory and had to relearn everything about his life again. His wife remained with him, but said that she's now married to a different man than what she knew before. He was a good and kind man. His brain damage diminished his ability to work and other things but he remained a good kind man. Fortunately, his wife had a good job and is able to earn enough to keep the family finances going. He stays home and does what he can to run the household. It has been hard on her and my wife talks with her weekly to listen and give encouragement.

I would decline to offer 'finished' advice but perhaps, upon being asked, help with her decision process, but only 100% unbiased if I could.

if there was the right situation, possible questions:

* Do you love your husband? To what Degree?

* thinking about your children, what would you like to be their example?

* How about finances?

* if the 'eternal marriage' thing isn't as you've been taught, what outcome would you prefer?

* If the situation was Reversed, what would you do? What would you want? What would you expect?



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 03/12/2025 10:18PM by GNPE.

If they were sealed in the LDS temple, wasn't he brain-damaged when she married him?

LDS guys take risks that most guys don't. I'm not against doing dangerous things. However, you are responsible for studying all of the angles and not getting injured or killed. You can't leave safety to God or magic underwear. So, his condition is on him.

That's quite a thing to put on a family. Some women can take it, some can't. I think she answered her own question. Reminds me of a Kenny Rogers song.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tDOznxiEcdM

I really don't think that the Kenny Rogers song applies here, given that the gentleman is not even cognizant of his wife and kids. On the other hand, I'm very much inclined to agree with GNPE on this matter--the woman needs to determine what she wants for her kids and herself. That said, given the current looting of the U.S. government, one has to ask if there will be enough money to keep this man afloat should his LDS wife decide to leave him.

blindguy Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I really don't think that the Kenny Rogers song
> applies here, given that the gentleman is not even
> cognizant of his wife and kids. On the other hand,
> I'm very much inclined to agree with GNPE on this
> matter--the woman needs to determine what she
> wants for her kids and herself. That said, given
> the current looting of the U.S. government, one
> has to ask if there will be enough money to keep
> this man afloat should his LDS wife decide to
> leave him.

In staying with her husband, the journey will be hard. One can only imagine what the children could learn if love is allowed to flourish while they serve their dad and learn to work around his disability. While no children were involved, the movie "The Notebook" comes to mind. Pure love knows no boundaries.

Side note: Many years ago my wife worked at a nursing home. There was a woman in her early 40's who was mentally sharp but paralyzed from the neck down from a snowmobile accident. Her mom would bring her two teenage sons in to visit every other weekend. Her husband divorced her shortly after her accident. She told me that she understood, but it was easy to see the pain in her face. They had been married for 18 years. She said that when they moved her from the hospital to the nursing home, she never saw her husband again.

Yes, we need to stand by each other and support one another like never before in our lifetimes.

bradley Wrote:
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> LDS guys take risks that most guys don't. I'm not
> against doing dangerous things. However, you are
> responsible for studying all of the angles and not
> getting injured or killed. You can't leave safety
> to God or magic underwear. So, his condition is on
> him.

Re "...his condition is on him".

I think that's a bit harsh. Stuff happens.

Except that it's sudden not gradual I don't see this a lot different from a spouse/partner having Alzheimer's.

The tough part to these questions is how much of yourself do you give up before it is too much? So many in these situations. The trick is to find the balance. Martyrdom isn't always what it's cracked up to be.

She could hang around and see if he falls in love with her again before she decides.

GNPE made me laugh with this:


* Do you love your husband? To what Degree?
Please choose one. A. Celetsial B. Terrestial or C. Telestial
How strong is your love, baby?

Complicated situation. No right answer. What if she leaves and then he suddenly remembers all? She wants out but wants others to not judge her for it? So asking for advice when she already knows what she wants?

Like others, I agree that it's very complicated with no obvious right or wrong answer. Some people have the stamina and fortitude to stick it out.

To answer the question posed by OP, yes, getting married for life only is fairly common for second marriages in LDSdom. Utah law provides an additional twist in that first cousins can marry provided they are over a certain age (55?) and are too old to have children.

This was done because in rural Utah towns, practically everyone is related somehow, and older couples wanted to live together, and frankly, needed the mutual support to be able to live independent lives (i.e. not forced into assisted living or the home of one of their children). Living together without benefit of marriage was a non-starter, so the Utah legislature modified the law so first cousins could get married.

Rather than try to answer such a difficult question, let me pose another.

If celestial marriage is such a big deal, doesn't that make the relationship transactional? Do they marry for love, or for the mansion and servants in the CK?

I've known 2 couples who faced this dilemma. One was a neurologic disease (MS?) that the wife had. She was wheelchair bound. He was The Nicest Guy Ever, and worked like a dog to make her life as normal as possible, and she seemed to always be in an awful mood. They eventually divorced, and to tell the truth, I'm not sure who initiated the divorce. He married someone else and has been very happy ever since. That was 25 years ago, so it appears to have worked out very well.

The other case was young husband was injured in pedestrian-auto accident, brain damage, aphasia and various other neurological problems, and pretty severe personality change. They had just had a baby, added complication. She was Canadian and moved back to be with family in Ontario. I don't know what happened after that. I don't think they officially divorced. This all happened about 30 years ago. In the 5 years I was living in the same city after the accident, he was too disabled to work, and I figured that was going to be permanent, but I ran into a mutual friend last year, and he has recovered enough to live on his own. That was a surprise.

I don't know the status of their relationship, but I'll just say life throws some mean curve balls sometimes.

In most situations of health, I would support one not abandoning a spouse.

However, this one is different. To me married for eternity has no purpose in the final decision. If you are married for eternity, the doctrine says its holds unless you get a temple annulment.

My second wife has total memory loss going back decades from an accident that put her at deaths door. She had to re-establish all relationships she had from scratch. She discovered her husband at the time was abusive and a cheater with the new start. She came into my life after she divorced him.

What I learned from her experience is that we outsiders have no idea since we have not walked that path. So in this case I leave the decision to the person involved, because things will "never" go back to what they had been. Even to this day on occasion someone will run up to my wife and give her a big hug not knowing what happened to her. She stands there while attempting to stay calm and not freak out. I just stand close by to make sure she is OK while the situation is explained and the hugger kind of freaks out due to their new understanding.

> What I learned from her experience is that we
> outsiders have no idea since we have not walked
> that path.

A very important observation.

I don't think that anyone can or should give advice in a situation like this, except to perhaps help the individual consider all aspects of each choice. In the end, it's the wife who has to live with her decision.

The one, huge complicating factor is the eight children. How do you support and raise those children? I don't know how it is in LDS culture, but in the outside world, trying to find a new mate with eight kids in tow (and an ex who might not be able to support them) would be a challenge.

summer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I don't think that anyone can or should give
> advice in a situation like this, except to perhaps
> help the individual consider all aspects of each
> choice. In the end, it's the wife who has to live
> with her decision.


100%, summer; how can ppl learn & grow if they leave their decisions to others (like with ChurchCo)?

I would probably recommend getting divorced but... for financial reasons. Just because she's divorced doesn't mean she can't still love him and take care of him. The financial bills could be huge.

Bet some women would look at it as a way to train the guy to become just what they want - instead of what they got.

I'm sure that works both ways.

I'm still thinking this one over, folks. I don't know the answer. My cousin divorced his bed ridden wife. It caused a lot of tension in the family. I never met her but I was very uncomfortable when my aunt and cousin tried to justify it to me.

There is no answer, only questions. I hope you find peace with the questioning you are doing.

No, don't leave him when he is so hurt.

Nice to see you, Kathleen.

:)