My 21 year old cousin recently got married, and I'm feeling jealous and angry. I'm a couple years older, I have an advanced degree, a career, and own my own home. I worked effing hard for what I have, but did anybody ever throw me a giant party to celebrate? Nope! Exactly 2 people attended my college graduation, and 0 attended my grad school graduation. I got a total of 5 cards and $60 for both. And to top it all off, nothing I accomplish matters one bit in my family so long as I'm--gasp!--still single and childless. But along comes my younger cousin who did nothing but get horny enough to say i do yet keep her legs closed long enough to say it in the temple, and they treat her like a friggin queen. Honestly I think my family should be scolding and shunning her for dropping out of school to work a minimum wage job to support her husband while he finishes school, but noooo. She's doing exactly what good Mormon girls should be doing and I'm a bad girl for having a career and not being wed at such an advanced age. Hmph!

Talk about messed up values!

I worked with a woman once -- she was in her lat 30's, had a masters degree, a good job, etc, etc, but she was the most miserable human being to be around because she felt like failure because she wasn't married.

I would have come to your graduation AND brought you a card with money!!

Sorry your family (because of the morg society and twisted values) doesn't appreciate you as you should be.

Aw, you made me feel better already. Thanks :)

What you accomplished took tremendous effort. You worked very hard and deserve great kudos. Sometimes I wonder if they (family) have no concept of the work you did or are jealous because you have the fire in the belly to accomplish what you did.

Mormonism is in the 19th century. It's the easier path for women in modern day because it requires no thinking. Just obedience and having babies. Oh, get that RM, stay skinny and ignorant until you land that RM. You took the difficult path. You did the work.

You are an asset to society, you are a leader and an inspiration. Who cares who acknowleged your hard work? They have no clue of your investment and are incabable of either your accomplishments or even understand what you have achieved. They settle for the minimum, which is what they are indoctrinated from birth. They took the EASY path. No curiosity, no questioning, no deep thinking. If only they see you as an inspiration. cult. Anyway, take pride in yourself.

GM, sounds like you have created a great life for yourself. Anyone in your life who doesn't appreciate that or feel happy for you about what you have accomplished just sucks. :)

Just curious, but does your cousin's first name start with an M?

Yes, that stinks alright. But remember this..... you know how to take care of yourself. She never will and will only be a second fiddle. My convert daughter quit school too and only for one thing...to support her hubby in his career which he eventually went bankrupt in. Nice way to start off a marriage. These girls are not too bright upstairs to not think of themselves. My daughter did at least say to me 5 yrs. after she quit that she should have finished college. DUH!!!!

As for your family....show them as much affection as they show you. Do that any way you see fit. They should be ashamed and you have every right to see little of them. And enjoy the life you made for yourself. Let them just go on keeping women down....and know you were smart enough and wouldn't let it happen to you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/23/2011 02:15AM by honestone.

This topic makes me very sad. I once dated a TBM and she was trained to go the Mormon path to being a faithful wife and child bearer. I remember the conversations we had about having a career that was rewarding and enjoyable. She balked. Long story, we went our separate ways. She was smart, talented and a wonderful person.
I hope she did something with her life that benefited the world and not just been a pawn to her husband.
I really, really loved her and after 40 years still think of her often, and pray that the good Lord will always watch over her and take care of her. Love you Susanne S. from B. Wy.

You have every right to vent and be angry. At a young age, you've already graduated, got your own home and a career, hell yes you should be proud! Even if your family doesn't recognize your achievements, a lot of other people do!

My two oldest daughters struggle with the very same issues. Both of my girls have put themselves thru college and now graduate school. Both have fantastic careers and are self reliant, caring, goal oriented adults. Their tbm grandparents didn't come to their college graduations or send cards of acknowlegement or $$. When the grandparents talk to to either daughter all they want to know is if they have gone to church or if they have met a worthy mormon man.

I'm divorced from their father. He and his family did come to the graduations, tho that is about where his support started and stopped. He just can't wrap his mormon, penishood mind around the fact that they have worked hard for what they have, and where they are going.

My oldest daughter is a teacher (with a masters.) My second daughter is a forensic examiner (with a masters.) I'm very proud of both. But the church is just such a thorn in all of our sides.

It's okay to be frustrated, but try to keep your perspective intact. Whose life would you rather have? The party and the recognition were one day of her life. One day that is going to fade in comparison to the rest of her life. It's annoying, but you don't have to get up everyday and go to a minimum wage job to support some guy. You've already got your s! together while she's going to be struggling for years. I'd be more inclined to feel pity than jealousy.

Pista Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Whose life would you rather have? The party and the recognition were one day of her life. One day that is going to fade in comparison to the rest of her life.

Greenmonster, I felt the same way at your age. Girls who are marrying get a big party and tons of gifts. Persistently single girls get nada. What, we don't need nice things as well? I guess not.

I took comfort in the thoughts that Pista wrote about, above. The party is just one day. Life moves on.

My SIL has said that she thinks that young people need the household gifts whenever they move out on their own. Our culture has moved on from the days when young women stayed home until they were married, but our customs have not quite kept up.

My answer as a single woman is to never feel sorry for myself.

If you want nice dishes, china, etc. then select your patterns and start buying them for yourself. Request items in your pattern for birthday and Christmas gifts. If you want bling, then march yourself off to the jewelry store. What, you've never seen Paris? Buy the plane ticket and go. Obviously this doesn't happen all at once, but over time you CAN have the life that you want. Life doesn't sit around waiting for you to get married!

summer Wrote:

> Greenmonster, I felt the same way at your age.
> Girls who are marrying get a big party and tons of
> gifts. Persistently single girls get nada. What,
> we don't need nice things as well? I guess not.

And just when you think it couldn't get worse, then the grandparents start giving the grandkids sentimentally valuable items and you don't get any cuz you don't have kids. When my father died, my mother gave all his stuff to the grand kids. Me, his favorite, got nothing.

when the married women start bragging about their nice house and car, etc.--which their husband earned, and not they. In fact, most of my Mormon neighbors have never earned a dime, yet feel superior to me, because I have to work.

I'm proud of you! Cheers to you (lifting my glass).

As much as your family adulates your cousin, as much as she might adulate herself, by becoming Relief Society president--or whatever--she will never be as happy as you. I have lived both lives, and I'm much happier now, as a single career woman. (Even though it was not my choice, initially.)

Your cousin has a good chance of ending up on Prozac.

Studies show that the American happiness hierarchy goes like this:

Happiest--married men
Second happiest--single women
Third--single men
Last--married women

I wonder if they are factoring kids into the married statuses. (I am a very happy childfree married woman!)

Congratulations on your achievements!!! You're a better person for what you did.

Virtual hug!

She'd be braggin her head off!

Living well is the best revenge. -- George Herbert.

Remember this: if your cousin ever divorces her husband, she's screwed. No education, no job skills, no health insurance, etc.

Your family sounds like my Mormon friend's family. They make decisions that bring on economic hardships and then, somehow, resent people that don't live paycheck to paycheck.

You're also more wife material than your cousin is to men outside the cult.

green monster Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My 21 year old cousin recently got married, and
> I'm feeling jealous and angry. I'm a couple years
> older, I have an advanced degree, a career, and
> own my own home. I worked effing hard for what I
> have, but did anybody ever throw me a giant party
> to celebrate? Nope! Exactly 2 people attended my
> college graduation, and 0 attended my grad school
> graduation. I got a total of 5 cards and $60 for
> both. And to top it all off, nothing I accomplish
> matters one bit in my family so long as
> I'm--gasp!--still single and childless. But along
> comes my younger cousin who did nothing but get
> horny enough to say i do yet keep her legs closed
> long enough to say it in the temple, and they
> treat her like a friggin queen. Honestly I think
> my family should be scolding and shunning her for
> dropping out of school to work a minimum wage job
> to support her husband while he finishes school,
> but noooo. She's doing exactly what good Mormon
> girls should be doing and I'm a bad girl for
> having a career and not being wed at such an
> advanced age. Hmph!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/23/2011 12:42PM by newcomer.

Hmmmm? ;)

But she's so young and there is so much that she'll probably never experience because her youth and freedom will be gone. And she's unprepared to fend for herself if anything goes wrong in her marriage or with her husband's employment. How incredibly misguided not to finish school.

So throw your OWN dang party. You deserve it! Do something nice for yourself. You don't have to invite anyone, and certainly not those who would minimize you.

I was in your shoes. Older. Single. Graduated. Working. Now, I'm so glad I was able to finish school and get that work experience before having a family.

I'm with Pista and Summer. You have set yourself up to have an amazing life with myriad possibilities. Your cousin now gets to read hers from a script. I bet you're more fun to be with.

You have a great career, friends and a life. You probably also feel pretty good about your life and lifestyle, not withstanding not getting acknowledged for your sucess. That means you have guts and courage too. All great qualities. If that is your character, good for you! If it was not your personality but you worked hard to make it your personality, even more kudos to you!

I'm sure it's great to know that you can provide yourself with what you need and even some (alot?) of what you want. You do not have to depend on people giving you gifts.

Throw yourself a great party. Not everyone manages to accomplish what you did. If your family is not supportive that is their problem. Were they this way towards you since childhood, or is this because you didn't follow their expectations? IF it is a trend from childhood, you can't change them, you CAN change the way you think of the situation.

Have a great life!!!!

And yes, it is tough to be ignored by family and friends rather than applauded for such choices, while your cousin is fawned over for having conformed to the Mormon one-size-fits-all mold.

But 10 years from now… you will be thankful for having made the choices you made, as the benefits become more obvious than they may seem at the moment. You are off to such a good start in your life!