I was emotionally abused for 22 years. By a man who everyone called "Smiley". A man who made others think he adored me,but in fact said and did horrible things to me. For 22 years.....He TOLD me my kids didn't like me,that they would be better off without me. I was not worthy. Didn't need to say much,his actions spoke volumns.While I was close to dying of cancer I was "just feeling sorry for myself,you knew this would happen" and go days barely speaking to me. Emotional abuse at it's finest. I could go on and on.
Be careful what you say Bishop Rick. You are not endearing yourself to this board. Obviously you don't care.
Dear Loveskids and all the other women on this board who were emotionally abused by their husbands..... WE all know emotional abuse is REAL and insidious. I can relate with each one of you.
I divorced my husband of 24 years,who was serving in the Stake Presidency at the time, for emotional abuse. To the outside world he appeared, by design, to be the perfect doting husband.
I finally had the courage to get the divorce when the emotional abuse started venturing into physical abuse. Based on the the behavior, the judge granted me a 4 month long restraining order. As a result I was released from all my callings. I was "no longer a proper example to the women in Relief Society". My Ex was never even questioned as he continued to serve in the Stake presidency giving lectures in the wards each Sunday on, of all things, the topic of "marriage". 4 months after the divorce was final, he married another woman in the Temple. NO ONE ever held him accountable for the his failed marriage.
"NO ONE ever held him accountable..." Amen and Amen Not the girl you used to know. Makes me sick what these 'men' are allowed to get away with.
I'm sorry what you went through. No one deserves to be treated like that. Mine would never turn to violence with me. Instead he turned the violence on our 2 helpless children.
Emotional abuse is real can can be just as damaging as physical abuse. It also works both ways, women can emotionally abuse men and men can emotionally abuse women (and all combinations there of).
Just because some people play the "card" when it's not valid (just like some do with physical abuse) doesn't mean that it's not real or should be ignored.
I suppose there are times when it is a valid accusation. But imho those times are vastly outnumbered by the bogus claims -- and far more often levied by females as compared with males.
Finally Free! Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Be careful with blanket statements. > > Emotional abuse is real can can be just as > damaging as physical abuse. It also works both > ways, women can emotionally abuse men and men can > emotionally abuse women (and all combinations > there of). > > Just because some people play the "card" when it's > not valid (just like some do with physical abuse) > doesn't mean that it's not real or should be > ignored.
LOL@ ExMormonRon ;P Seriously though, constant emotional/verbal abuse by my ex (fueled by guilt and effed up Mormon teachings on sex, plus his growing up in a very dysfunctional family) brought our marriage to an end after 13 years and 3 kids. It took me 22 years to realize that TSCC was emotionally abusive as well. Once I recognized the red flags and put it all together, I was gone baby gone!
It has taken me years to work out what was going on in my relationship with an ex-boyfriend: humiliation, jealousy, psychological abuse, regular verbal 'lashings', being accused of things I didn't do, undermining me personally and professionally. I had no bruises. I spent years thinking I had wrecked my life because I stayed with a man who I knew could be nice to others but privately I had to deal with whatever mood he was in. My mind is completely addled from trying to work it out. Very much in the way that people study their way out of 'the church', a chat with a psychologist and reading some key texts, a book by Lundy Bancroft being one, I know now that I have indeed wrecked the last twenty years of my life either in his presence or reeling from the behaviour. We were together and heading for marriage for around five years: note I said 20 years trying to figure it all out. Emotional/psychological abuse is insidiuous and hugely damaging.
Oh can I relate....spouse could be nice to others but "I" had to handle any mood he was in. Yes, a recipe for emotional abuse and it took me forever to realize that I should have done much more about it. Sometimes you are enjoying your kids so much you just think that other person is an annoyance and it could be worse. IN the end, it was very serious and I am SO not missing it at all. He can spread his abuse to another fool or perhaps not get away with it since there are now no kids in the picture.
That's true, my ex was nice to others, but I had to deal with whatever mood he was in, as he showed me his real self. This was not "winning arguments," this was humiliation, badmouthing my family in an attempt to isolate me from them, trying to prevent me from working outside the home, and calling me every name in the book. He also blamed me for things I couldn't have done since instead of accepting responsibility for his own mistakes, he blamed me. There were no bruises at all, and at times, I wish there were since emotional abuse is often worse, since I became suicidal because of the abuse.
I'm fortunate that I got out before we had children, as he would have been abusive towards them as well, since his dad was emotionally abusive and even physically abusive. After I left him, the suicidal depression went away, and I haven't had any need for an antidepressant in 9 years.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/25/2011 03:03PM by adoylelb.
Except that we were married for almost 13 years and had 3 kids. I "converted" him into the TSCC, big mistake. I had no bruises, either, nothing I could show anybody.
My bish at the time said that he didn't know how I put up with it for so long. I replied that other bishes told me that I had to stay because of temple covenants.
Ah, I thought about annoyance but his bad behaviour escalated after I had a family bereavement. No sense that I might actually need some support or time to to deal with the practical things too. Interestingly, he is now married to a 'former friend' who he spent lots of time visiting when we were together (but who I never met). They have two young children so he has signed up for the long term - possibly. He wouldn't help when I was ill, didn't like me caring for my mum through her illness, didn't really make much effort to do the nice things in everyday life and spent lots of time accusing me of having affairs. Projection on his part and because I am single I am called now called all sorts (again without a shred of truth or evidence)whilst he hides behind a wedding ring and with a record of past behaviour that would horrify most people.
Bishop Rick Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > This is a card the woman usually plays when she > realizes her husband is winning most of the > arguments.
Well, if you really value winning arguments over having good marriage, go for it. However, if you value a good relationship, husbands who allow themselves to be influenced by their wives--husbands who listen to them and respond positively in some way to their perspectives and needs--are much more likely to be happily married than those who need to "win" arguments. By the way, my statements is supported by solid research into successful marriages, should you feel a need to argue about it.
I value intellectual honesty and transparency most in any relationship-- male or female, sexual or nonsexual. If there is a reason for an argument with a person who meets that descripton, rationality and honesty will 99.999 percent of the time effect a congenial and satisfactory conclusion. I see too many of my friends, mormon or not, acting like spineless shmoos, bending over backwards for their spouse (read: putting up with dishonest manipuation ) in order to keep the peace. What pathetic lives they lead. They are what I call "relationship slaves".
It sounds like your wife may be a cut above the rest, robert. If so, congratulations. But ask yourself if you put up with dishonesty and manipulation just to keep the peace.
By the way, I don't mean that I consider it just one way. Men are perhaps as much susceptible to being dishonest and manipulative as women. However, women have a stronger position in the courts.
robertb Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Bishop Rick Wrote: > -------------------------------------------------- > ----- > > This is a card the woman usually plays when she > > realizes her husband is winning most of the > > arguments. > > Well, if you really value winning arguments over > having good marriage, go for it. However, if you > value a good relationship, husbands who allow > themselves to be influenced by their > wives--husbands who listen to them and respond > positively in some way to their perspectives and > needs--are much more likely to be happily married > than those who need to "win" arguments. By the > way, my statements is supported by solid research > into successful marriages, should you feel a need > to argue about it.
Bishop Rick Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- "acting like spineless shmoos, bending over > backwards for their spouse (read: putting up with > dishonest manipuation ) in order to keep the > peace. What pathetic lives they lead. They are > what I call "relationship slaves". > > It sounds like your wife may be a cut above the > rest, robert. If so, congratulations. But ask > yourself if you put up with dishonesty and > manipulation just to keep the peace. >
Given your language "spineless shmoos," "pathetic lives," "relationship slaves," "cut above the rest" I am understanding you to be very hurt and pissed off. You may have every reason to be. What bothers me is the black brushing you give women--from your very first post.
My partner *is* wonderful--and she wouldn't put up much crap with me if I were inclined to give it. However, to say she is a "cut above the rest" seems to also say she is in a minority of women. I am left to believe you have had a very bad experience with one or a number of women and generalizing out of hurt and anger.
I'm sorry you've been hurt, though. It's happened to me, too. I hope at some point you will find someone, if you are so inclined, who you trust and won't have to win arguments with--and least not too often.
What's more important -- to be "right" or to be happy?
I don't think that's supposed to mean that you have to bend over and be a doormat, but there's the other extreme (and we all know one poster who practices it) where you harrangue and rant and fuss and feud because you're "right" by-golly and someone better admit it!
And then there's the issue of taking your hurts and generalizing them to and entire gender. When you reach that point you might want to seek therapy because you're so bitter and angry you're going to end up destroying any new relationship you try and enter into.
I'm a bit stunned by that comment - have you first hand experience of this?
I cannot abide point scoring at the ending of a relationship. For some there may be a lot of anger, and that cannot be dismissed lightly. I spent years trying to work out why I felt bad, couldn't get over the relationship, why I felt a sense of psychological torment way beyond what you could expect from being 'heart-broken.' I tried to explain to counsellors and MDs what had been happening in my life, the behaviour was so complex, so frequent and ever changing. It wasn't until I read books and articles by specialists in the field that I really understood - I have books littered with ticks against terms and phrases that accurately describe what what was happening to me. I no longer feel timid about or shy away from describing behaviours, I am always very speicifc when I say anything about my ex.
If indeed something happend that involved the children, a mother(or father if the case) needs to speak out and 'tell it' rather than making general statements. Few parents would want to expose their children to further truama without there being a solid reason for doing this.
There are a lot of divorced mothers on this forum, shall we ask how many made that accusation?
The reality is that SOME women have been known to play such dirty and underhanded tricks, just like some men have. It's hardly a majority thing.
You might want to get a little perspective too -- because you too are the sort who will sabotage your next relationship and just get angrier at women in general when it's really YOUR issues causing problems.