I thought I could keep all my Mormon friends. We're friends, right? Our friendships have more to them than just church.

Despite my best efforts to keep up my friendships, most of my Mormon friends are shrinking away from me. I was not prepared for this. I thought if I just kept my opinions to myself, all would be well. For example, I called a friend just today and it was super awkward and she couldn't wait to get off the phone with me.

Even worse, my relationship with my mom is taking a turn for the worse. She is constantly needling religion into the converstation, which BTW, never happened before I quit going. She doesn't even go!!! Seriously, she doesn't go, but she's a believer and she wants me to go. She keeps telling my son that "eight is a special age and now he can be baptized." I distracted him from reading her birthday card to him because she had to bring it up there.

This morning, she called to remind me to vote. I told her I already had, and she wanted to know how I voted and then went on some rant about how we need to "send a message." I tried to jokingly tell her I wasn't going to tell her how I voted. Glenn Beck is her hero.

This is crap!!! I love my mom. Why does our relationship have to change?

To your friends, you might try saying, "I've noticed that you seem to be drawing away from me since I quit going to church. I thought that you liked ME, and I haven't changed any apart from my religious beliefs. I've tried to be respectful of your own beliefs. What's going on? Do you only associate with other Mormons?"

It might not change anything, but at least you'll give them something to think about.

As for your mom, at least she's still talking to you. :-) A lot of times, people retain an emotional tie to baptism even though they're not very religious otherwise. I would just sympathetically tell her whatever you've decided in that regard. Acknowledge that your decision may disappoint her, but remind her that when your son is grown up he's going to do what he wants to do anyway.

I feel ya. My TBM friends dropped me like a hot potato when word got out about my apostacy. It hurt very much and I took it hard.

In retrospect I now feel it was a blessing in disguise. I no longer need to waste my time on those superficial relationships. I am so much happier being able to be my authentic self. To be able to have genuine friendships with people who appreciate me for who I am. To not walk on eggshells is heavenly.

I'm lucky that my family is nevermo. I don't have any pressure on me and I don't have to hear those insufferable comments TBMs make and for that I am grateful.

My crazy ass TBM in-laws live out of state and DH doesn't make an effort to keep in touch with them, and for that I'm grateful too. I don't speak to them.

Anyway, I'm sorry you've had to experience this. It stings. But at least you come out of it knowing who your REAL friends are.

Sometimes I just want to rant. I'm still struggling with my passive tendencies. I'm trying to strike a balance of honesty and civility, and sometimes (a lot of the time) it's just easier to shrink away...

Even before I completely stopped going, the people who used to smile and say Hi started keeping their hands in their pockets when we would pass in the hall at church. No more did my supposed friends have anything to talk about. Although I do admit that they were much more friendly when I was in the Bishopric. (kissa__es ya know...).

But once we left and it was made public, they would ignore me on the street, they would suddenly turn to look at something at the store so as to pretend they weren't there or see me.

Nevermind the afternoon cookouts or working on each others cars or stereos and yacking about everything under the sun. All of that is gone as soon as you no longer have that one thing in common-church.

So they were not friends after all. Just favored associates.

Then finally I realized I didn't lose ANY. All that happened is that I got a chance to find out who had really been a friend and who hadn't.

I made a trip to Utah a few weeks ago and got to visit with my couple real TBM friends. After all this time, the church has no impact whatsoever on our friendship. I count myself lucky to have had that chance to separate the wheat from the tares, as someone once said.

To some people, other people are like props, and when you don't fit in their production, you get discarded or stored offstage.

When I made this amazing discovery that the church was lying to us, I looked around at all my friends and realized there wasn't a single one I could tell. I was very active in the ward and kept in touch with my friends from the past. I thought I had a lot of friends. But there wasn't one single one I could confide something that important to. So, although I was surprised at how thoroughly I was allowed to drop from the lives of most of my ward friends, I have to admit something. By the time they forgot about me I had LONG decided I had no use for them. Sure, I stayed and still stay "chatty" friends with a couple of them. I bear them no ill will. But they weren't REAL friends. That fact was totally obvious. That's when it hurt - when I realized just how shallow and stupid Mormon friendships really are. Not when they actually got too busy for me. By then I was just as done with them. The only one that hurt was when a very good couple friend didn't even bother to ask us why we'd missed so much church and then I found out the husband was telling everyone I was offended and keeping my children home from church because of it. That was a total lie - I was never offended. I just studied my way out. But they didn't even think to ask. They immediately believed I was that shallow and stupid that I would change my whole belief system and dump all my friends because one person hurt my feelings. That really made me upset because they were good friends - we even went on vacation with them. And he didn't even ASK what was wrong. He just assumed we were "worthless" and started bad-mouthing us. I can't even believe my DH still thinks the husband is a decent, but misguided guy. I used to look up to him too but apparently, he had no respect at all for me.

Today I had lunch with an inactive friend and WHAT a difference. We actually talked for over an hour - about important things. It wasn't an assigned visit, no one had to get to a meeting, no feeling of lunch being allotted a certain amount of time on someone's to do list. In fact, I rarely went out to lunch with my LDS friends. We were all so busy being mommies and doing church stuff. When I broke up with my Mormon friends, I was SO grateful for the non-LDS and inactive friends who really know how to be friends, be accepting, be loyal and be good people. There aren't many of them but the small handful are worth more than a hundred Mormon friends any day.

Funny thing, I had a long talk with my dad tonight and it was so reassuring to know that my relationship with him is the same. I was able to tell him about people pulling away and all he said was, "Well, now you know who your true friends are." It still hurts, but the truth isn't always fun.

I lost most of my "friends" too.My "best friend" from the ward ran away when she saw me in the store. Only 1 member is talking to me. But...the friends I have now (all never-mo's and a surprising number already knew what a wacky religion mormonism was.)are true friends. The difference in what we talk about and what we are interested in couldn't be more different than mormon friendships.And the intelligence and professions and aspirations of these new friends is unbelieveable. I am SO mush happier with me new friends.You will find some great new friends and the old ones won't be missed. Mine aren't

even with my family growing up.

There are just so many things that Mormons don't discuss. Certain subjects are off limits, and certain opinions are DEFINITELY unacceptable. So everyone plays their part.

But we didn't learn to share the less-perfect aspects of ourselves or accept differences. We were too busy protecting ourselves and trying to be acceptable.

Other people aren't LIKE that. When I've gotten to know non-LDS people I'm amazed by their warmth and acceptance and openness.

They were only the other people you went to church with.
Now that you have new interests that don't include them, they don't know what to do with you. It's your job to go out and find new friends to suit your current interests and tastes.

And don't think it's all your fault: Mormons are the most superficially friendly people on the planet. Heavy emphasis on "superficially." I'm sure you can do better than that in the friends department.

Unfortunately, the church emphasizes the cult above all else, even family. The road ahead will be tough, but I guarantee you that you will make true, genuine friends outside the church who won't care what religion, if any, you subscribe to. Now if only that could help soothe the sting of what you have to go through now.

Large e-hugs going out your way.

The shunning made me feel that something was wrong with me. The truth is, that there is something wrong with THEM. Mormons are a tiny group--certainly not the majority. You have the power of the masses on your side--all those other normal, kind, wondergul people that the Mormons feel are too inferior to associate with.

No one ever asked me why I left, either. Mormons clearly don't want to know. Like many others, I was accused of being "offended."

I had to struggle for years, to recover from the low self-esteem that comes from being a female, and then a single divorced working mother in the Mormon church. It was painfully obvious, that the couples didn't include me in their social plans. I was too happy being unmarried, and having a career, and that made the married people nervous. I was a very bad example. The only reason ward members were nice to me was because I would accompany them on the piano, and there were no other real organists in the ward. I always had a second calling, too, teaching Sunday school or Primary.

I think in my heart I knew, that if I ever stopped being "useful," that I would cease to exist. I felt the same way about God. I had to be useful to God's church, or I would not be included in the Mormon hereafter. Sick.

It took me about 6 years to reach the point where I don't care what the Mormons think. Friendship-wise, I have traded quantity for quality. The few friends I have are the greatest!

I appreciate my non-Mormon friends who stood by me, even though I was a member of a crazy, elitist, racist, sexist cult! They even stayed my friends when I tried to convert them! They must really like me!

Hang in there! Keep telling yourself: "It is nothing personal." We have all been treated this way.

It takes a while to make new friends, so you need to be patient. Don't beat yourself up for "shrinking away." I know that feeling well! Think of being alone as "solitude." You have more time now to do things that require alone-time, such as reading, studying, exercising, working on hobbies, gardening and housework (it is amazing how people disappear when there's work to be done.) Get to know your new non-Mormon self. Try on new beliefs for size. Welcome changes. Real friends accept you when you change, and will love the new queenofdenial as much as the old queenofdenial.

Believe it or not, I have had some longtime friends, without ever knowing what religion they are. Most of my non-Mormon friends that do talk about religion have switched churches several times over the years.

When you think about it, religion is a stupid criteria for choosing a friend, and stupid for choosing a spouse, too. There is so much MORE to a relationship!

Sadly, it's a fact of life and we have to make difficult adjustments after leaving mormonism.

I think your first step is to establish better boundaries with your mother. She needs to realize that it's unfair and destructive to send messages to your eight year old which conflict with parental directives. You can't let this happen. It's destructive to your relationship with her, but worse, it's bad for your child. It's a parent's right and responsibility to see that a child is protected and gets the best and most consistent training and messaging a parent has to offer. This isn't happening.

Unfortunately, exmos frequently can't fully trust believing grandparents to take care of children without proper established boundaries. You need to come to terms with what your mother can and cannot do.

Talking about baptism is unacceptable. You also need to decide if she is allowed to take your child to mormon church services, mormon recrational activities or if your child will participate in blessings, prayers, and family home evenings while visiting grandma. Just because a grandparent hasn't done these things in the past doean't mean they won't start now that you have left the church.

I have read about and talked to parents who say that grandparents sneak their kids to primary and start asking them to pray and give them mormon gifts as soon as parents leave the church. One exmo caught her mother hiding in a closet reading a primary lesson manual to a child while the mom was busy in the kitchen and running a quick errand. They also buy kids church clothes in hopes the kids will beg to have a place to wear them or they give Friend magazine or other church books as gifts. Be clear about what is and is not okay with you.

Sometimes parents have to limit time with grandparents who reject appropriate boundaries. Better to deal with this before it gets more out of hand.

I have to laugh at the "Grandma in the closet reading a Primary lesson," Cheryl! lol

Queen, I have been where you are now, except my kids are younger than yours. There was a time where my mom did not know where I lived or what my phone number was(in the days before caller ID.) I allowed her in my life when I chose and on my terms, or not at all. Now, 12 years later, the relationship has re-formed on my terms. I still will never let my kids stay at her house on a Sunday without me, the understanding being that she goes to church every Sunday and would "have" to take them with her. I formed new friendships with non mormons. That is an important step to realize what great people there are outside of Mormonism. I try to be nice when I see Mormon friends or family members around, greet them with a big smile. I think it makes them uncomfortable to see that I am not embarrassed to be out of the Mormon church. I just ignore the confused looks on their faces and know that I am truly happier in my apostasy than anyone I know who is still Mormon.