This continues from a certain thread or two, but I had to ask. Ok, so im not planning on telling my parents about my apostosy until after im out on my own, but I was just wondering:

Has anyone had a HAPPY conclusion after their family learned of their apostosy? I read all about just horrible situations like being completely alienated to outright hated. Ive also read some decent stories, but everyone seems to deal with high tensions in their families.

My family is important to me even if were not close. How should I deal with it when the time comes?

What are some things u wish u had done? What would u do in my situation?

How was your news taken? How long did it take for things to calm down?

I really dont even know how to start a conversation this important with my parents! I am completely lost at this point. Im not sure which path to take here, at ALL. Please, any advice, really



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/29/2011 01:04AM by missguided.

My parents didn't kick me out or ostracize me. I've got a job, I'm married, and I have spawned grandchildren. So from their point of view, that's mostly a happy ending. I even sometimes go to a non-LDS church for show and because it's kind of fun on occasion. So I guess all of that counts as a happy ending compared to some of the other stories I've heard.

My mom would used to sometimes mention to me (when I still lived with them 15 years ago - oh god, I can't believe it's been 15 years) that I should go to Sacrament Meeting, and I would basically ignore it. Then when I was out on my own and after I got married I think she was ratting me out to the missionaries. But so what? I live 2000 miles away. I invite them in, offer them a drink, and let them talk if I'm not busy. So again, that's a pretty happy ending compared to a lot of what I've heard.

I suppose it might have been a happier ending if my dad had said "yeah I don't believe this crap either" but then I'd be pissed that he had been lying to me all those years. I used to think that he was just living the Mormon lifestyle for mom, but recent evidence suggests otherwise. So... is this a happy ending? I guess...

I was honest with my husband. I resigned first then told him after the fact. It wasn't pretty and that is an understatement. No happy ending in near sight, but I remain hopeful.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/29/2011 01:36AM by suckafoo.

So funny that you should post this today of all days. Please see my recent post.

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,258450

Today I finally told my parents of my lost faith......the reaction was very good. I feel like a 1,000 lbs weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Cheers amigo. Do it sooner rather than later. I waited waaaaay tooo long and I suffered for years because I didn't deal honestly with those I love.

Hmm, read your post. I guess it's better to do these things when you're young and know it all. I mean, I think my dad is wrong about basically everything and I've thought that for a long time. When I was 19 I had no problem telling him that. Now I'm willing to discuss things, but it's not quite the same because even though I think he's wrong about everything, I still respect his life experience and I've mellowed out so that I don't have to tell everyone that they are wrong every chance I get. So I can see why it might get tougher to talk to your parents when you're in your 30s or 40s.

I stopped attending when I was about 18. I was at college but at home in the summers. My mother didn't like it, but she accepted it. I got some nagging etc, but it wasn't that bad. A lot depends on the parentsand how entrenched they are. My mom was not an overbearing type and was reasonably tolerant, but she did believe and was worried about me.

Broke my mother's heart, that's for sure. I begged to stop going to church when I was 12, finally was able to at 16. Completely resigned at 19.

I'm 23 now. My father doesn't really talk to me, nor did he come to my college graduation. I think he was kinda pissed it wasn't a school he approved of.

My mom and I have a weird relationship -- we talk a lot, so she feels like she knows me, but I highly edit everything I talk to her about.

4/5 of my siblings pretty much ignore me. My kid brother is on a mission, we were wicked close until he left. But now he won't write to me.

But, at last, one of my sisters and I are closer than ever. I don't have to censor things when I talk to her -- though for the most part I don't swear in front of her, and more than anything I think we can be honest with each other. Sometimes she asks me random questions -- like do I really enjoy drinking (I do love my whiskey) and obviously she'll ask me about boys, but I think that's just a sister thing. She doesn't mind that I hook up with said boys, too, but we talk about it. She's even said she's a little sad she's never had make-up sex, because she's never had a real fight with her husband.


So it all depends. If I hadn't been honest with the family, i wouldn't have the great relationship with my sister, but I might be in contact with them all. But I think if they're willing to throw you away simply because of religion, they aren't family at all.

Thank you all, this has given me something to think about. I do have some time before I have to face them, but it was good hearing some feed back :) everyones family situation is different...Im just going to take it slow then and hope for the best

For our own family -wife three children and myself- yes, very much so.

As for the extended family, sadly, no.

I was the first in my family to bounce. Everyone was cool with it. My brothers followed soon after.

My mom is still in it but she's pretty much a NOM though she won't admit it.

We're just as close as we ever were and we have much more fascinating conversations.

No drama. No tears. No nonsense.

After an initial shock by a couple members, things smoothed out and I've kept my relationships with family and friends. I was a young adult convert, married an RM in the temple in 1961 and raised a family in the LDS Church. Most had left on some level(some resigned) long before I did. I was in my late 50's when I resigned my membership in 2002.

We have congenial relationships with family and friends, most of the LDS family members live in different areas of the country. I live with and love Mormons, particularly my husband of nearly 49 years. It's a non-issue in our relationship. We respect our right to our beliefs and leave it alone.

My view is that leaving the LDS Church, especially if you are BIC or a very long time familial member is like leaving your heritage, your generational tribe. It seems to be done best with a very slow, understanding, careful, gentle approach, recognizing that the family very often takes your choice as a rejection of their whole core values: The Eternal Family and often see it as a betrayal..It's important, in my view, also to be respectful of other LDS folks in the family as they have the same rights as I do. It's not about right and wrong, good and bad, etc. it's about respecting the rights of each other.

So far it's been pretty okay with my family. I told them after I was moved out so they had to either accept it or lose me.

My fiance has had more trouble than I, as she still lives with her parents. Breaking the news to them shortly after we got engaged was and still is somewhat tumultuous. I think they're easing into acceptance mode. I love them all to death; I just think they're having a rough time accepting it.

On the bright side, we'll be married in two weeks and she won't have to hear about it anymore!

It went far better than I expected. My parents and particularly my mother were always active faithful members of the church (converts when I was 5).

My mother asked me why I stopped going to church and I told her. I explained that I had done a lot of research and briefly told her about Joseph Smith's polygamy, masonic parallels in the temple, the temple changes, blood atonement, the Book of Abraham, and so forth. I told her I had studied both anti & apologist literature and found the truth to be on the side of the critics. I respectfully explained that I no longer believed and felt that the prophets were not inspired men. Told her that I tried to believe that I researched trying to find the truth and prayed but to no avail.

She asked to read what I had and several days later she was clearly upset that she hadn't learned these things in church. She had my father read my research as well.

Long story short both my parents and my siblings resigned.

for a happy ending in a Korean Massage Parlor

It really depends on your family. My family is pretty laid-back. My parents always raised us to use our brains, and to think for ourselves. When we were little, my dad would give us little logic puzzles and quizzes to pass the time whenever we drove anywhere, or during dinner.

When I told my mom I didn't believe it, she asked me, "Is it that you believe that it isn't true, or that you just don't think you have a testimony?" "It's not true," I answered, so abruptly I surprised even myself. My mom nodded and said, "I'm proud of you for not just taking other people's word for it. I know the church is true. But I understand that you need to figure it out for yourself." (BTW, my mom is a REMARKABLE woman.) That conversation happened 3 years ago, and we haven't ever talked about it again since.

I was also worried about telling my little brother, because he's always been the most TBM out of family. He was on a mission when I left. I waited until a couple of months after he got home, for a bit of the shine to wear off, and then I told him. He was surprised, and I think a bit hurt. All he said was, "I don't really know how you want me to respond to this." I told him I didn't expect anything, but that I thought he had a right to know, and that if/when he ever did want to talk about it in detail I'd be willing. He said okay, then changed the subject. That conversation was over 2 years ago, and we haven't ever talked about it again since.

My sister and I never really talked about it. I knew she knew I wasn't going to church anymore, but we never had a conversation about why. When I moved to an apartment a few blocks away from hers, she wondered aloud whether or not we would be in the same ward. "Doesn't really matter," I said. "Either way I won't be going." She shrugged and said, "Whatever." A few months later, I talked her into going with me and some of my friends to the Pride festival. She saw me sampling some other people's drinks, and a few days later her RS presidency showed up at my door. I turned them away, but never confronted her about it. That was 2 years ago, and we haven't ever talked about it again since.

My dad was the only one that I talked to more than once about my apostasy, because he's the only one that asked me about it. He would wait until we were alone, and then ask me slightly random questions like, "So what do you DO on Sundays now?" or "Was that a wine bottle I saw on your counter? Did you drink the wine?" When I skipped a cousin's baptism just a few months after I left the church, he and I had a long talk about why I just didn't feel like I could stand to be there. About two years after I left, he made a passing comment, "You know, for a while there you seemed really angry about the church. I'm glad you aren't anymore." That was about a year ago, and we haven't ever talked about it again since.

So yes, sometimes there are happy endings. My family and I just have this unspoken rule about mutual respect. I won't bring up the reasons why I think their religion is stupid, and they won't bring up the reasons why they think my apostasy is stupid. I'm different from them, and that's okay (for the most part. They have all put a lot more energy into trying to convince me to eat meat than they ever would ito trying to convince me to go back to church :D). I think if both parties agree to this kind of arrangement (either just by understanding or by clear, vocalised, or even written intentions), it can turn out well. There is more to my family than just the fact that they are mormons, and there's more to me than just the fact that I'm not.

Only you can know if your family will take it well. I knew my family wouldn't disown me or be outright horrible to me, but even they surprised me with how well they took it.

I was lucky in that respect. My parents knew I was on my way out. They respected that and we had no issues. My oldest sister was totaly into the mormons and couldn't understand. She was friendly but distant.

I was 30 and had just graduated from BYU and taken an engineering job back in my home town. I told my parents as soon as we moved back so they would ask why we weren't going to church. My mother never made an issue of it and in fact, she became more and more convinced the church was made up the older she got, although she only shared this with me.

My dad said he would respect my choice. Next day he shows up with some book by Nibley, saying "if you have questions about the church, this book may be able to answer them...blah, blah, blah."

I didn't take the book from him, I looked him straight in the eyes and said "you said you would respect my choice, but here you are trying to give me a book that you hope will get me to change my mind and choose the church. How is this respecting my choice?"

He got a sheepish kind of look, agreed, kept the book, and didn't really bring it up again in a direct way. he would still make comments and use examples from the church in conversation, like I thought that was really something impressive, but I would always come back with something to counter his thinking, and he would get his deer in the lights look and either bear his testimony or just shut up.

He did send others after me....Elders Quorum guys showing up at 9:00pm, old scoutmaster calling me about not going to church, getting "friends" assigned to me from the local ward, etc. I basically told them all I was happy and to buzz off, That their testimonies stopped at the tip their noses and didn't extend onto me, so beat it....and take your testimony with you!"

Eventually as the years went by, his dimentia got severe enough that he pretty much forgot all about church and rarely even mentioned it.

Thank you all :) u guys seem like really smart individuals and Im happy u shared. Now i have somthing to go off of when i do break it to them. Im hoping for grudging acceptance, but I could see my mother attempting to strangle a testimony out of me (no joke)
Lol, maybe ill wait till after shes done with menopause...Does that ever end? seems like its been years now...
:D