So I wanted to update everyone on my situation with my family. I posted not to long ago being concerned about not having my final letter from Dodge and after getting everyone's responses that I was "officially out" I realized I wasn't upset about not having the letter, but that my family would harass me. So I finally told them all through e-mail. I figured based on a lot of threads I've read that e-mail would be the best way to confront the issue initially then attempt to talk to them face to face if things went well (I haven't seen or talked to them face to face since Christmas 2010). I e-mailed all of them (parents, grandparents, etc) about my decision and told them the basics: I want to be respected, don't try to persuade me to come back...
That was last Saturday. I haven't heard a single response from any of them since. I did e-mail my little sister a different letter because I didn't want to her to receive the harsher e-mail I sent the rest of the family, and she e-mailed me back, but didn't mention anything about it.
Is it in anyone's experience that this has happened? Do you think they have been advised to not respond? Any advice?
I do feel so much better now that I have confronted the issue, I'm not hiding behind my decision.
Thanks.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/29/2011 06:18PM by csb.

It sounds like they discussed it together and decided to maintain a unified front. Does that sound like something your family does? Or maybe they're planning an intervention and don't want to tip you off. :-)

I would guess that they're discussing this among themselves. You've thrown quite a curve ball at them, and if they're like my family, they would talk together first so they get the "best" outcome. However, every family is different. They could be shunning you, or they could just have no idea how to respond. If you told them in your email that you didn't want to discuss your decision, then they might be respecting that. Without knowing what you wrote, it is difficult to know what they might be thinking.

leaving it alone and respecting your choice. I would hope that is it.
Or maybe, secretly, some of them want to do the same thing and don't want to tip anyone off...yet! :-)

Makes sense. I'm not a rm no way in hell was that happening. I know that they were told about my letter before I confronted them. So it wasn't really a complete surprise , I just don't understand them completely ignoring it. I'll upload sorta what I said when I can get to a computer and not my phone. Also they are hardcore mormon all the way back to navoo . My grandfather was a general authority and everyone has had high leadership callings so my guess is this was a good slap in the face lol. maybe they are trying to keep it as quiet as possible?

Maybe they are shunning you. Maybe they are circling the wagons for an intervention. Maybe they don't care.

Just be happy for now. Cross each bridge as you get there.

Thanks for the advice ill just wait and see how it goes ill post if anything changes

And I would talk about anything but your resignation unless they bring it up. That should give you a good idea of how you stand with them.

If it comes up, I would keep any discussion about your resignation as low-conflict as possible, i.e., "I respect your right to believe, and I hope that you will respect my right *not* to believe. I love you anyway, and I don't want it to affect our relationship. I'm still the same person."

The good news is that they haven't begun the questions and the weeping 'n' wailing routine.

It's entirely possible that they are stunned and not sure how to react. Those who got the letter are likely reading it to each other and trying to figure out what happened to bring you to this point. Maybe even plotting how to confront you.

The best thing I think would be to sit back and try to go about your usual routines and try not to worry yourself to death over any number of possible outcomes...yeah, I wish I followed that advice...they will contact you in some manner before very long. I would imagine that you should have a defense ready, but remember- rather than give them the idea that you are under the control of Satan, show that you are still the same loving rational person you have always been.

OK so I finally got a response. First of all I told them I no longer wanted to be part of the church about two years ago. ( I'm twenty now). I left for school and distance kept them from pestering me at school about church but I was harassed by emails and phone calls to the point I got a new number and did not give it to them. Under certain circumstances I could not formally resign from the church. To receive my student loans under my name I had to have their information (taxes , w2s, ect. ). The University knew the situation but I had to keep in contact to receive my loans. Now into my 3rd year of college I have been able to get up on my feet and support myself at school and do not need their information. So this brings me to now. I sent my letter this summer and still am waiting on the confirmation. I sent a letter telling my family that I had left and my reasons why. I was ignored for 2 weeks not a word about it until now. I received a email with them claiming they love me no matter what religion I am and its my decision and they still want to be in contact will me and be a family. This sound great right? (sarcasm...) They have made my first 2 years of college hell because of what I believe and not the church. Now that I have formally resigned they suddenly are acting like its no big deal? I was not expecting this at all. I really don't know what to do, I don't trust them because they have done this before then turn right around and pull their beliefs on me. I wanted to know if anyone has had a response like that from their family? They are hardcore members , leaders,bishops,GA,ect. Why would they suddenly do this? I doubt a sudden change of heart. Maybe gave up and trying? I don't know and I'd love any advice. Thanks for listening. Also I can post samples of they letters and emails to give anyone a idea of what they are doing.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/31/2011 08:42PM by csb.

The difference is that while you were still a member with doubts,there was hope of reclaiming you. Now that you have made it official, there is no reason to keep trying. It's like when you are dating someone the parents don't like- they can try to talk you out of it, but once you've said "I do" they have to face the facts and accept things as they are.

That's what it sounds like to me. The good news is that they say they love you no matter what religion/decisions you choose.

I would maintain a positive attitude unless they prove otherwise.

I really admire how you've handled your school finances. I've forgotten how dependent undergraduates are on their parents if they want financial aid. You've had to grow up quickly.

I think they have been advised to be very loving, act very kind and sincere. BUT my guess is that they are anything but. It appears there is too much long Mormon history in your family for them to be so nice. The love bombing, lecturing will come in time. I am sorry they will most likely do this. Just stand your ground. No one can make a person believe anything they don't wish to. And if they pester you on the phone just make an excuse that you must go study.

And yes, stay in school. If things get tough stay out a semester or two and work. Do what you must to be independent. I wish you well.

Yeah the system is quite ridiculous. My financial adviser really said unfortunately if the parents don't cooperate that even if the student wants to go to school they wont be able to get any aid without that information. Thank you I just hope to complete school.

To paraphrase a line in the movie "Soul Man" they have financial aid for people whose parents are poor but not for people whose parents are assholes.

and known to micromanage the way everything was done in my home growing up.

And he could really put on the pressure when people resisted his way of doing things. He could be VERY judgemental and condemning at times. But a funny thing happened when someone (as adults) stood their ground without hesitation or was blunt with him that they were going to do things THEIR way: He'd completely back off.

Sometimes controllers will do something unexpected . . . they'll capitulate to someone who seems more in control than they are. I think in this case that would be you.

You were up front about it and probably caught them off guard. They might be a little worried you might be aggressive about defending your decision.

I think their initial knee jerk reaction is to go into denial and pretend the situation doesn't exist. They know it could be awkward. They don't want what they value criticized. They might want to act accepting of you. Who knows.

Over time they might confront you but it sounds like you put your foot down.

I told one of my friends from BYU who I've been in contact with for 30 years that I left the church. I mentioned it in a birthday card I sent to her years ago. She has never said a thing about it. She probably feels sorry for me. I don't think she wants any more information. She continues to tell me about her many church positions. I don't talk to her about church stuff. Odd, but it works.

If they say they still love and accept you, I would give them the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise. I have plenty of LDS family members who do not cross boundaries or disrespect me just because I left.

It's hard for us to not keep our guard up however, and i'm not telling you to not be aware....but no need to react to words or actions that haven't taken place yet. You know what I mean? Maybe they will treat you like dirt, maybe not. Just enjoy the peacefulness you have at this moment.

Oh, and good for you for getting your finances in order!

You and your exit from the Mormon church may be the first time that any of your family members have had to learn to deal with such a situation. My experience, when I quit the church many years ago, was that most of my family simply forgot that I existed.

While that was not the scenario that I had wished for, it certainly was a lot better than having them perpetually treat me as a project for reinstatement in their church.

The very few family members with whom I stayed in contact have treated me with respect. But we have very little in common and really don't find a lot to talk about. I moved from Utah to the mid-Atlantic region eleven years ago and so now my only contact with family is an occasional phone call. In my eleven years here not one family member has chosen to visit me.

And yet I am happy and have a "new family" here, and I would not change a thing. I hope you can find happiness and contentment in life, with or without your TBM family.

The next problem I have with them is my GF. She's not a church member and never has been. We've been together for 5 years now, and I live with her family when I am home from school 3 hours away. (The problem with my TBM parents and sibling is that they only live a few blocks away from her house. They like to drive by every day and basically stalk out our house.) We have our own apartment now at school, and this is really only a problem when we are home for holidays and long weekends. She and her family have been extremely supportive and she's been through it all with me.

I'm more concerned about the respect towards her. They will disrespect her in e-mails to me, they've talked about her to other church members in their ward. It's been going on for the last 5 years. I've repeatedly told them they need to respect her and they just seem to blow it off or act nice for a little bit then go back to the way things were. It seems like they tend to pull the nice card around the holidays when they "expect" me to come see them, they'll be really nice to us, then we find out they are talking bad about her at church. They do the same thing with her parents as well.

How have you all handled situations like that?