Hello. I am a nevermo female that has known many Mormons throughout my life. I stumbled upon this website when I ended up with a Mormon boyfriend and wanted to try and learn all I could about his religion. Converting is out of the question for me, as I am a liberal-minded, non-religious person. So we couldn't have been in it for the long haul. (We aren't together anymore because we are both moving away, but we still care about each other and we keep in touch as friends.)

The more that I looked through the stories on this website, the more I saw parallels between what people on here would say about how bad they felt as a Mormon and the things he would/does tell me when he feels down. The thing is, I came to see that most of these ex-mormons didn't realize until they got out of the church that it was the church that was causing these feelings. He often says things like this when he's upset:

"As a kid, I never had any friends. I always thought it was because I was a devilish freak."

"If anything bad happens to me, then somehow I'm at fault for it, or else it wouldn't have happened. Friends don't abandon you without reason. How else can you explain it?"


"I'm doing what I can with what I've got, and no matter how hard I try or how much I dream, I always fail or end up alone."

"I'm sorry if I'm annoying you. (He wasn't.) I'll try harder to keep my problems to myself."

"What do I know?"

His parents also divorced when he was young, so I know that the church might not be the root or the real cause of this. He comes from a very devout family, and he seems pretty entrenched in the church, but he has also told me that he doesn't like Utah Mormons because they act like they're better than everyone else, even other Mormons, and he feels that they give Mormonism a "bad name." He has also told me that it sickens him that he has seen so many corrupt priesthood holders and bishops that use their calling as a status boost for themselves.

What do you guys think? Do you think that if his church is causing him to feel this way, he will eventually realize it and leave? Or is it pretty uncommon for most Mormons to leave the church even after they've seen the truth?

Also, he is going to leave for his mission within the next few months or so. I'm secretly worried for him because I've heard that some missionaries don't exactly live in the best conditions and/or aren't treated with much respect by other Mormons or anyone else at all. He already has a crappy self-image, and he's a very sheltered guy that has never left the area, (other than to go to Utah,) and I'm worried that this will push him over the edge.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/30/2011 05:57AM by smile11.

You can certainly get those ideas from Mormon culture. I'm sure the breakup of his parents didn't help any.

He might leave the church one day, but probably not because it depresses him. I think you are right that it's only in retrospect, after leaving, that you realize how much of their poisonous ideas added to the depression.

Good luck to him on his mission. In my case having some history of depression was not a good thing for a full time missionary. If you are ever going to get depressed, it will happen on a mission. When you have a companion you really get along with, then just about anything is tolerable. When you don't, you're in hell. But even if it triggers a more serious depression, he can get therapy and go on to have a happy and productive life. It will just take working on it and clinging to life.

Good luck to him! You could try writing to him to just let him know people DO like him back home.

The impossible expectations and guilt trips the church subconsciously (and overtly) imposes on the psyche is a big problem. Just look at the antidepressant use. How many times has it been intimated that our shortcomings are due to sin?

For this young fellow, I would suspect that his current states was created at home. That, and if he was one of those kids who gets beat up at school alot, he may very well have the notion that he is of lesser value. There could be any number of factors, but I'm gonna place the blame directly at the doorstep of his parents' house.

Kids by nature cling to their mothers and their minds are formed to the mothers personality. So when your mother tells you that you cannot be happy because you don't like to be happy, or that you can't stand it when other people are happy, or when you are told that you purposely ruin your happy situation, it takes a lifetime to overcome the selfdestructive subconscious sabotage.

I doubt that the church caused his depression, but it may not be helping much, either. I would urge him to seek counseling -- if he can't do it at present, then when he gets back from his mission (a college clinic is a great place to start if he is in, or will be returning to school.) The mission unfortunately may add to his depression.

Remind him to never forget that while on his mission, he is a volunteer, not an employee. As such, he should never allow anyone to make him feel badly if the baptism numbers are not what his superiors expect.

You sound like a good friend to him. I'm sure that you don't need me to tell you that there is likely no future together with him. The chances are overwhelming that he will marry within his faith.

Thanks so much for the input! I appreciate it.

We will definitely write letters back and forth while he is on his mission and I am starting college. I know he is worried about feeling alone and overwhelmed, and if I were in his place, I'd want to know that someone still appreciated me, too. I know that we can never be anything more than friends because of our very different upbringings, but I'm okay with that now.

I don't know if he ever got beat up. But as a kid, I remember him being pretty quiet, and a lot of people, including myself, saw him as very weird. (We grew up together in school.) But once he got into high school, he got more involved in stuff, and people saw him as geeky, but much more "normal." I was the first girlfriend he'd ever had as well. I just wish he'd see himself as the kind, intelligent person that he is. I do agree that his parents, chiefly his mother, probably contributed greatly to his attitude about life. She always seemed very outwardly nice whenever I saw her, but he would tell me that she was very secretive about her emotions and her past and that she would tell him to be the same way because it wasn't good to show bad feelings. That's just unhealthy and destructive to me.

I have heard the stories about guys on missions feeling unworthy if they don't baptize enough people. He's always been one to try really hard at everything and make sure that everything is just right and perfect, (another trait that seems kind of Mormony,) so I'm sure that that will be a problem for him . . . I will be sure to keep that bit of reassurance in mind!



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 07/31/2011 04:43AM by smile11.