I was thinking about moving in with him next year when I'm 19.... We've been together almost a year and it's really going well for us. I just fear that that my parents and other TBM family members will look at me in disgust or something... I mean everybody pretty much knows I don't go to church, so I guess it's not a big deal in that aspect, but I'll have to live with them thinking I'm going to have sex all the time and live in sin! ;D At least it wouldn't be like some people in the church that move out without a job, get married because they have to to live with each other, go to college and get pregnant, living on welfare. If I moved out, I'd make sure that I make fairly good income to be able to support me if for some reason I break up with my boyfriend. I'd love to get a place of my own and get away from my parent's lifestyle that I've always grown up in. But I definitely couldn't move out on my own, and I don't really have any friends that I would trust living with, besides my boyfriend.

Thoughts? Did anybody deal with the same thing?

depends on maturity...

what were the parents & families like?

was there 'open' communication? was sexuality discussed or 'hidden'?

what will schedules be? What will EXPECTATIONS be?

this... comes Sometime for most everyone; I don't believe there's a Magical Clock somewhere that tells when O.K. / not.

Maturity... comes by resolving new situations & challenges; there isn't an easy way.

Be Carefull. starting a new lifestyle will have benefits & challenges, whether with a bf or another gf.

Approach with (the aspects of) Love: Trust, Respect, Honesty, Kindness; Mercy & Compassion, the other good things will have a Chance!

good luck!

guynoirprivateeye Wrote:
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> depends on maturity...

I propose that this kind of maturity includes having a big picture view of one's life and the likely place this particular relationship has in it. Will it be the love of a lifetime? Probably not. You'll probably split after a while. So if you're both aware this relationship is probably temporary, then fine. Go for it. Or you might both decide you don't want to get that far into a temporary relationship only to have to go through the eventual bother of moving out (preceded by that uncomfortable period of knowing the relationship is nearly dead but you're still sharing space).

My general rule for developing into a strong adult is to live on your own for at least five years. Get out of the parental home and discover your true self and run your own life before merging it with someone you love (or just have the hots for). Otherwise, we risk being an incomplete person, always having our identity defined in connection to another person. We shouldn't be looking for someone to make us whole. We should already be whole.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/10/2011 12:44PM by Stray Mutt.

I'm with guy noir - it has more to do with maturity than age.

Also, unsolicited advice on an unrelated note - make sure to keep making friends that aren't your boyfriend. I invested my whole life into a relationship when I was 19, and when it ended I realized I didn't have much else going on. Not that yours will end! Just, all things in moderation I guess.

Sounds like you've already put more thought into moving in together than most Mormon girls put into marriage so I think you're great! Good luck!

I really have put a lot of thought into it. I'm a pretty organized person...so I'll make budgets, I plan everything years in advance... I'm told that's not a good idea and that I should live more in the present but I just like being prepared!

I'm really shy though, so making friends is difficult for me. With the church I thought I had friends, until I left. I should start an exmormon club at the college... there's an LDS one there. lol.

And thank you :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/10/2011 01:49AM by fancypants.

Wow, I feel like I'm reading something I wrote! I even plan things I could never control, like writing out what I want the weather to be like for the next week.

I'm not good at making friends either, so I know what you mean.

Just make sure you're not closing yourself off socially by moving in with him.

Honestone: Yes my parents really like my boyfriend! He's just like me, and my best friend. :) We get along great and have the same beliefs so we rarely argue.

and Amos: You're probably right about needing the social aspect. I never really had a social life, and it's not healthy for me to be alone all the time. I just don't know where to go or how to make new friends! I don't want to blame the church for my awkwardness/shyness... but I'm pretty sure that's where I got it from. I just generally feel uncomfortable with people I don't know. Something I really need to break out of..

(lol posted under the wrong reply, oh well haha)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/10/2011 02:38AM by fancypants.

If you do move in with your boyfriend, make sure that it is easy to move back out again. Things can go sour very quickly no matter how prepared you are to live in that kind of relationship.

It would be much better, in my opinion, to move in with some friends first. Of course, you need friends who are ok with things like sex happening in the residence.

Good luck.

I like the part whre you siad you wanted to be able to have a good job to take care of yourself if things don't go well with boyfriend. That is a responsible attitude. BE sure you discuss the bills before moving in....shared payments etc. and you will not be happy if he has spent money on other things before the bills. Listen if you have sex once that will set your family off so who cares if it is a hundred times. Don't let that bother you. I think itis always good to get away from family if they are annoying you. It doesn't mean ignore them but put some space between you. Do your family members like your boyfriend at all?

If those people who you thought were your friends are treating you like you are bad goods now that you don't go to their cult, then who cares about them. The most judgemental people in the world IMO are Mormons. Their love was conditional and who needs that. Good luck and I think in time you will weigh it all out and make a good decision.

...my experience was that it was a bad idea.

If you've never had the experience of living with a bunch of college roommates, you're missing out.

Expecting/demanding exclusivity is thin ice. I'm sorry to say it but it's true, the more you just want to be alone together and run away together, the more it's infatuation and insecurity.

It's healthier at your age to live with friends, to socialize with allot of people, to get a college education.

IMO living together is indistinguishable from getting married. Marrying too young is exactly what allot of people on this board find is a problem in mormonism in the first place. You're just doing what they do, skipping the VERY needed social and psychological development of a young adult, ie college, dating, finding your own self-determined place in the world, finding out what's over the horizon first. It'll change your mind on things, including love.

When we moved in together, I was 20 and she was 19. We got married about a year later.

22 years later, I think it was a good idea.

I do not recommend it to everybody, though. If you're not ready, it can be a disaster.

I, personally, think it best that kids move out of their parents home and live on their own for a while before shacking up with a partner. It gives a person time to develop as an adult individual

Just realize that there will be some work involved. :-)

Thoroughly discuss financials. Will only one of you sign the lease or will both of you sign the lease? If you both do, look for a clause in the lease that says, "joint and several liability." That means if he moves out you are still responsible for his portion of the rent and vice-versa.

Who will be responsible for seeing that the bills get paid? Under whose name will each bill be established? I recommend getting a wall calendar and scheduling bill payments on the calendar whenever a bill comes in.

Keep in mind that you will need a bit of a nest egg. You'll need first month's rent, possibly last month's rent, and a deposit on top of that. (Students often lose their deposits, sometimes justly and sometimes unjustly, sad to say.) Your electricity and other providers will likely want a deposit, so check on that ahead of time. Inquire about what an average monthly heating/AC bill will be when you are looking for your apartment. Heating bills can vary by hundreds of dollars!

Talk to your boyfriend about how you will handle food shopping and food bills, cooking, dishwashing, and cleaning. Whatever plans you make will be subject to revision, of course, but at least you'll have something to start with. Also start to think about how and where you'll get furniture and household supplies. Goodwill, the Salvation Army, or Deseret Industries would be good places to look. If you have any sympathetic family members, they will often help you as well.

Just some things to think about!

Also: Make sure that you are using a highly effective method of birth control. WebMD has a good chart -- "Effectiveness Rate of Birth Control Methods". You want one of the hormonal methods or the IUD if at all possible. I'd recommend the pill if it's suitable for you. Your school health clinic can set you up.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/10/2011 09:21AM by summer.

It's not a good idea and this is why: you are in the stage of life where you are individuating. You are finding out what kind of a person you are, what your values are and this is the time to experiment with lifestyles, ideas, etc.

I raised five girls and those who lived with a boyfriend earlier ended up not maturing much during those years. Those two are having to do it now, in their thirties, and it is MUCH harder to find friends who aren't raising babies, hang out, travel, get crazy and have adventures.

You will never again have the opportunity to live away from home in the college environment, a lot of people your own age talking about subjects that you are or could be interested in. You compare yourself with them. They are bored; you are interested. You see that you pick up this anthropology stuff fast but others are much quicker with math.

My 32 year old daughter who was with a boyfriend for seven years is struggling. She's in school in community college and is finding out she is very good at learning the parts of the human body. It interests her and she sees that others are bored. This has been very powerful to help her find her path in life. What did she learn about herself being quasi-married and working in an escrow office? That she hated office work, liked cats and suffered from constant depression she couldn't find a cause.

The cause was, she was living the life of a married woman, sacrificing her needs/interests for someone else's priorities.

Anagrammy

without reading the other responses:

If you are worried about what other people (your family) will think about you moving in with your BF, then you are not ready, in terms of maturity.

If you do move in, then be extra super careful about birth control.

I think that is way too young and I only say that because, when I was 19, I barely had the relationship skills to live with a same-gender roommate in a college dorm. Even that was kind of rough sometimes. There was no way I was capable of navigating a live-in intimate relationship. So I guess my advice would be: if you do this, expect it to not only not last, but you will not marry this guy. You're too young to be thinking about that anyway. But if he's anywhere near your age, then both of you will change and grow tremendously over the next 5 years. You will be a totally different person at 25 than you are right now. Believe it. The odds are not in your favor that you will both grow and change together and still be the right person for each other five years from now. Your needs will be very different and his probably will be too.

You said you wanted to have a fairly good income so that you could support yourself if need be. I'm sorry to tell you that the entire world is in a recession right now, esp the USA. Good jobs are hard to come by, and if you want to increase your chances of a WELL-PAYING job, then going to school and getting a degree will drastically increase your chances of being able to do so. Maybe that should be a priority before you start living with someone.
And what will happen if you get pregnant? Women get pregnant all the time by accident, even if they are using birth control. Will your man stay by your side and help you raise the child? Is abortion an option? If you do get pregnant and decide to keep the child, will your BF have enough income to support a family? If my own daughter were moving out to live with a BF, these are certainly questions I would ask him myself out of concern for her. And last, Do you really want to start a life partnership with this person, or is this just about moving away from your parents? That is a question you need to ask yourself, and only you can answer that for yourself.

There is really no right or wrong answer here, it depends on you and your boyfriend. There are many factors that will make a relationship work or not, like maturity of both of you, your ways to manage money and others. You'll need to weigh the advise and then find your own answer.

I read your post I wonder if you are moving in with him because you want to move out from your parents' home, or if you are moving in with him because you both want to move in together. If you had a great realtionship with your parents, would you still consider moving in with him? And what is his motivation for moving in with you?

I think you're young and my advise to any young woman your age would be, get an education, explore life, find out who you are before making a big commitment to someone else. As for being shy, a lot of us are, but I think that if you pursue your interests you will meet people and make friends who are not much different than you are.

The odds of the relationship lasting if you move-in together will not be in your favour, however I know people who have met and move in or got married and have life happy lives together. That's life, what works for some will not work for others.

Story 1
A girl I knew from when she was a little kid, as a teen she met a boy (nevermo) and they fell in love. She was living with his father and step-mother, not a nice one by the way. She wanted out and decided she was moving out when she finished high school. Then she said she was moving in with boyfriend the summer between HS and college. TBM parents freaked but finally said fine, but you're getting married, and so they did that summer. She started college, he went to work on family business. That was 7 years ago, they are still together and happy. No kids, just pets. She finished school and is working, he continues to work on family business. They were madly in love, and as far as I can tell they still are.

Story 2
This was my real estate's daughter. He said he was helping DD and boyfriend find a place, they were moving in together. Cool dad, nevermo, found them a place, they had move-in date, etc. I saw him a few months later asked about the family, he told me that his DD was moving back home and he was looking for someone to take over the apartment lease. A month after moving in she started to doubt her decision, and less than six months later she was back at home. According to her dad the boyfriend was fine, normal kid, both early 20's, they knew him for a couple of years. It just didn't work out.

Like I said, it works for some and it doesn't for others.

I just want to add that it is a sign of maturity and intelligence that you are thinking of doing this next year, giving yourself enough time to consider and plan, that also gives you time to think and to continue growing in the relationship, you don't need to decide right now but as time goes by you will know better what you want.

Good luck,
D

Wow, I can't believe so many folks are supportive of this idea! I think it's a TERRIBLE idea to move in with your boyfriend at 19. You're too young to commit yourself to a domestic life and too old to be playing house.

Please reconsider your decision! Take time to experience life without being tied down to one man and a life of obligation and responsibility. Spend your time, money and resources on exploring the world around you. Travel. Party. Be young and impulsive, just don't tie yourself down so early into life.

As much as I'd like to agree with the wonderfully supportive people on this board, age and maturity go hand-in-hand. It's biology; your brain at nineteen has not fully matured and won't for several more years. Time and patience are your friends.

Saying all this, people have a tendency to value information that supports their own preconceived notions over those that oppose them. This is called confirmation bias, and everyone is guilty of this. It's probable, then, that you've already decided to move in with your boyfriend and the best advice to be given are words of caution. So here goes: DON'T GET PREGNANT. Don't get married. Keep your money and possessions separate. This relationship may seem like it'll last forever right now, but you may very likely discover your 20's to be a time of transition from one version of reality to something starkly different.

+1

It's a bad idea. Give yourself some flexibility and options in your life. It's too young to be tied down.

As for maturity, it's nice, but at 19 a person lacks life experience, which is just as important.

I think it's better to move out on your own or with a friend first. There's a lot to learn and adding the dynamics of a love relationship is an awful lot and often turns out badly.

You will learn a lot about yourself, how to get along with others, communication, conflict, responsibility, discipline, how to be an adult.

I'll say the unmentionable stuff:

1--who is gonna clean the bathroom? Guys are NASTY creatures, full of hair, and most have no concept on how to REALLY clean the toilet. Guys don't SEE the crud (bathtub ring, soap scum, floss spatter on the mirror...I gotta quit, I'm getting sick here)

2--who will shop, who will cook, who will clean up in the kitchen? Most of the male population thinks that women have an auto-cook mode, and they just "naturally" take over the kitchen. And cleaning? Pfffffft. See bathroom, above.

3--laundry? Does he just drop his dirty clothes "wherever," thinking the Clothes Fairy picks them up, washes them, and puts them away in the drawer? Does he even KNOW how a washing machine works?

4--does he know how a vacuum works?

Here is sad reality. When a young couple, "in love," decide to live together, the guy usually gets the better end of the deal. ESPECIALLY if his Mommy did everything for him.

Deconverted told a story above about a dad who rented an apartment for his daughter and her BF, and the daughter moved home a month later. I'm gonna put all my poker chips on the line and bet that it was ALL ABOUT the topics I've mentioned.

Nothing cools off true love and best friend faster than the realities of housework.

~VOW

VOW, you rock. A slice o'life from reality. And here's more:

The farting, the lack of showering/shaving/brushing/flossing teeth/deodorant, the gargling, the spitting, the chewing with mouth open, the walking around in underwear (or worse yet) garments only.

The butt-picking, the nose-picking, the not closing of the bathroom door (leaving the seat up is the least of the bathroom problems, as VOW noted), the bad language and/or racism.

The leaving of dirty dishes everywhere and hiding them when the wife complains (I once found 4 lost dinner plates under the sofa, with utensils still on them and moldy food). Lack of concern regarding proper food handling. Like leaving chicken out on the counter all night and then sneaking it back into the fridge in the morning so girlfriend won't be angry---You make a sandwich at lunch, not knowing, and you vomit for three days, missing your biology final.

The talking about nothing (sports, cars, alcohol, video games, past capers, rock n roll bands, America's Funniest Videos- (did you see the one where the guy falls on his ass...)

Video games. OMG, my daughter married at 18 and used to ration her husband's video game time. If he mowed the lawn, he got an hour on the machine. She had a third child- him. He never grew out of it, finally pushing 30, she gave up.

And that doesn't go into religion or morals. The above are all just possibilities... that a star-struck 19 year old might not consider because they don't do ANY OF THESE when you are dating.


Anagrammy

my ex gf and my best friend's wife are the two most filthy people on earth. he and i are both neat freaks, i cleaned my house and he keeps his house up. as for cooking, i've never dated any female who had the slightest idea of how to boil water, let alone cook a meal then clean up after herself. if any exist, kindly let me know...

Neither one knows or cares about cooking or cleaning up and they live in filth...then she gets pregnant.

Happened to my eldest sister who eventually had to go the single parent route for the next 18 years til her son graduated high school. But guess what? He did the same thing as his dad did to her. Cycle repeated.

"Here is sad reality. When a young couple, "in love," decide to live together, the guy usually gets the better end of the deal."

Spot on. The guy usually gets a live-in maid, cook, and vagina, all at no cost. At that young age, most guys haven't grown out of the expectation that the most important woman in their life(most recently their mother) usually does everything for them.

As they say, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.

And why buy the pig when you can get the sausage for free?

:>)

By that I mean, find a girlfriend, get a place and live on your own. Continue dating and banging your boyfriend. Don't buy the pig. Do not sentence yourself to domestic apartheid.

or just "play house?" I think it's a pretty common stage around 19 to assert how grownup one is and settle down.

Vowweaver and Deconverted both brought up some very good questions.

I can only give you my experience- I moved in with my boyfrined at the age of 19. Part of it was because I thought I was in love and part was because my mother told me to get out after she learned I no longer bought into the cult.

It was a lot of fun the first few months- We stayed up late talking, I cooked dinner, and we had fun. Then reality set in- I started to see he was jealous, emotionally abusive, volatile, occasionally violent and had some very unnerving secrets I stumbled on. He spread some really nasty and vicious lies about me after he left me for another woman. He did some incredibly vindictive things including destroying my property and snatching an apartment I found.

I'm not saying these things will happen to you, but people sometimes change when you live with them and you can find out some suprises that the other person kept hidden.

I tried moving in with my boyfriend when I was 20 and my parents FREAKED out and basically forced us to marry. I wasn't out of the church at this point, though, and still believed my mom when she told me that, "3 months or a year down the road you will be miserable if you do this." So we got married. We're still married today, 3 years later, and are happy, but it caused A LOT of issues within our first year. It was hard. Of course, it may have been hard if we hadn't gotten married but I wish I wouldn't have rushed into marriage. I wish we could have done it on our own time, own terms.

Anyway, if you are going to move in with him just be aware your parents may freak but don't let them govern your life and don't believe any of the bullshit they tell you. It's hard living with anyone- boyfriend or just even a friend. I moved in with my best friend from high school for not even a year and our friendship completely fell apart, though it is a bit better now. So, it can be hard moving in with whomever.

Good luck!

After reading all these replies, I'm thinking of waiting until I'm 25 or 30 to move in with him! Haha! Thanks for all of your opinions!